@judiBlueEyes , Hi Judi, I need to do an Art Museum meet up. Did you look under LGBT or just Art Museum in meetup?

Thanks for the compliment. I am going to the gym for several reasons. 1)  I want an awesome body or at least a nice body. I am in good condition but I want to be in great condition. 2) I have an operation in April and I want to be in great condition. 3) I want to make friends. 4) I want to do high intensity work outs. I need to get back in the sauna.

Today at the gym I was put in a group phone number to save our bikes if we are going to be late. Odd but we get attached to the bike we use all the time. The thing was I was asked to join. Another woman said how she was apprehensive to join the gym, then spin and that she found a friend in spinning. This was a different woman. Another woman asked if I was going into the Main gym tomorrow. I said yes and she said great. So I am making friends. Friends have friends and I hope they will develop into social contacts.

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With the super cold and snow I have not been rucking. My neck is getting better. So in a little while I will join a rucking meetup or hiking meetup. I am hoping the people there will become friends and friends have friends.
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So I really want to make a few friends to do things with and I am hoping they can introduce me to their friends. Time will tell.

In my Meetup profile i've listed Museums, Performing Arts, Weekend Adventures, Women's Social, Conversation, and some outdoor things.  I'm in a Museum group and an Art group.  They seem to overlap in their activities which is fine by me.  I have struck up conversations with a number of women in them.  I'm trying to show I'm approachable and interested in friendships.  We'll see where this takes me.  I'm optimistic that these are good groups for that.  I recently joined another walking and social group that is closer by my home.  I'm hoping to do more of the outdoors activities like hiking and kayaking in the spring. 

I think the thing I've had to do is push myself out.  Once I'm engaged in the talk and all I'm fine.  I think you're on the right track! 

I went to therapy Tuesday. I go every other week. I cried about 30% of the time.

I talked about group and how I can no longer go there. I feel out of place there in that I am at the end of transition. and feel really good about the place I am now and no longer think about gender or suicide. I no longer have questions about procedures or coming out or HRT. I guess that is normal. I cried as I miss the group and friendship. I think most of all I miss the acceptance from others like me.

Marriage, I think it is better we are divorced. I know I feel safer and do not have constant negative comments and a threat of violence. That feeling of dread walking into the house is gone. I cried there to as I am lonely. I know this sounds odd but I liked having someone there and going out to eat.

Being alone. I talked about being alone and how it is difficult. My therapist said when I am ready I will reach out. So I must not be ready. I am close. I never will get married again. I never will allow anyone to be in a relationship with me and constantly put me down. Physical violence, never again.

Voice is about the same. I see Dr. Satloff in a month and find out about the injection into my left vocal fold to loosen the scar tissue. I do not recognize my voice. I am getting use to it but it is very different than pre-op. I can only use my head  voice. There is no vibration in my chest, just in front of my face. My base HZ rages from 205 to 230 depending on humidity and temperature and how hydrated I am. Hopefully the vocal fold loosens and I will no longer be horse. I will be ecstatic then.

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Now for something completely different.

I went to spinning today and will do so Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. I love to spin and I like having different instructors. My goal is to get to the Gym at little before 7 and work out then spin and go home. I definitely see positive body changes occurring which feels great.

I joined a poly meet up group. I doubt I would ever go to a meet up but maybe. It looks like mostly woman and just a few guys. There are a lot of members and when reading their information it is apparent it is a very friendly group of accepting people. There was a meet up at a hotel by the air port today. I did not go as it felt like a hook up. I think this type of meet up is not for me. So am I a prude? Am I cloistered? Is meeting people with the opportunity and motive to hook up a normal thing? Bad enough I have body issues ( I think I am to heavy) let alone meeting people and then just hooking up. Am I out of touch with current norms? What happens if a lot of people hook up and I am there and no one connects with me? I would feel so bad.

Hello Rachel, I'm glad to hear you still go to therapy.  Sounds like its still beneficial to you.  I haven't been to my groups for a while.  I think I've reached the point where I need to focus on living life in the world outside my door.  I don't have the issues and fears many of the others that go have.  I'm not sure I can contribute as I had in the past.  I too miss the friendship but I need to branch out, as I have mentioned here. 

As to the poly group, I looked in to a number of lesbian meet ups but decided this type of group isn't for me.  I'm not looking to meet anyone in a romantic manner which is what I think they may be a door to.  Keep searching and you'll find your place.   

Hi Judi, I am searching, but not too hard, thank you.
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I was at work today and a guy came up to me and said his divorce came through. Lets call him Mr. X. Well Mr. X discussed how the now Mrs. X treated him and the reason for the divorce. She was not a nice person and took advantage of him to put it mildly. There was the infidelity and other things too. Anyhow, I started to get the feeling he was interested. I got the feeling of oh no what do I do now.

I see him just about every day in the morning. He has always been very nice to me and now I think he was hitting on me. Kind of an awkward situation, do I encourage him? Anyhow, it is nice to have those feelings.

He did ask me a personal question but said if it was out of line to let him know. He wanted to know if I was with anyone since my change. I said that it was ok to ask. He then asked if I was able to enjoy sex. I said yes and that I was able to have a O.

The conversation was for 15 minutes and nice. He shared some very personal stuff with me.

Anyhow, this has me thinking. Should I seed him with some thoughts? What if he askes me out? That quick something can go from blizzard to tropics.
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Chest x-rays for the April revision 2 work are done.

Thursday electrolysis at Market street and Monday Papillion for 4 hours of electrolysis.( I hate growing my hair out. Just when I look I the mirror and see a woman looking back then it is hair growing time). Cardiologist and EKG next week too. The operation is getting close and I am getting nervous. I will need to stop spinning for a while. I stopped rucking due to my neck injury and the cold (mostly cold, my neck is improving). So maximum exercise for a while to get in absolutely great shape.

I had my insurance blood test and measurements done. My blood pressure was 90/60 and that was just after getting stuck with a needle. My BMI is 25 but I have a lot of muscle. My triglycerides are 70 ( very good is less than 200) and HDL is very high so I am doing good. I feel awesome too. Depression is 5 out of 100 (my score). Which is the lowest I can remember since I was very young. I no longer think about suicide but on rare occasions and just in passing. I sometimes cry but I think that is normal

SOOOO, there is this guy and I think he is interested. What do I do? He is cute and he is nice and he is direct. I never want to lead someone on or play games. So what do I do? How do you flirt?

Rachel

Mr. X may be honest with you but it's best not  to commit to a relationship until the ink on the divorce papers is dry. It's now possible for you to become the other woman in a relationship and unfortunately there is only one way to be sure you don't. Far too many women have been drawn into a relationship with stories about how their wife doesn't understand them or we are parting ways.

You have been through a lot emotionally so be very cautions with Mr. X until you can be sure you won't be harmed.

Hi Dina, I have been thinking about the guy and being at work. I think I will stay clear and be friends. I had vibes he wanted more but it would could become really awkward. Thank you for the support.
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I am using the main gym after spinning and there are a lot of guys there. There are a lot of very pretty cisgender woman there too. Maybe someone will be interested. After spinning today and yesterday I did some weight training in the Main gym. Both days there were a few guys the were looking. I look trans so and I do not know what they were thinking.

In the 6 or so months I have been spinning I have only heard one negative comment a guy said under his breath very low as I walked by. In thinking what he said and the volume he said it he must have felt awkward saying it. Why else would he not say it loud and to my face? They guy made the comment yesterday.
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I have some visceral fat. Not much and I have lost 4 inches from my tummy circumference in the past year. If I lose 2 more I will be at the healthy high limit for woman. I am 2 inches below the healthy high limit for males. Anyhow, I was thinking about going kito. I eat about 1/2 to 2/3 kito already but eat bread two or three times a week and rice. I do time restricted eating now, 18/6.

I have been making good progress and feel awesome. I do not have experience going keto and was wonder if there was anyone that has and if they have any advise.

Thursday will be my final medical checkup for the revision 2 surgery April 3rd. The exam is with a different doctor than my usual doctor so there is some apprehension.  In the past the exam is very very quick. I have no idea if this doctor will quick or by the book.
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I see Dr. Sataloff March 27. Last time I saw him he mentioned he would inject me with a steroid to release the vocal fold on my right side. This is so it will meet the vocal fold on my left side and my hoarseness will go away.  My pitch is fine but I am hoarse due to the vocal fold issue. I would love to have a clear voice at 200 to 230 hz.
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I had a mid and lower face lift with my FFS. Because I had mandible and chin shaving the lower face lift was 80% effective. I knew about this going in. Thinking about next year and I may look to have the mid face lift redone.
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I have an issue going out to places where there are singles and guys. I stopped at a place Saturday at 5 PM and had dinner. Later in the night it is a very popular night spot. There is a band and DJ and a lot of middle aged singles.  I know that people are there to meet others and socialize but I am extremely apprehensive. So next weekend I plan to go there at 6 pm. Either that or go to the gym.
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The worse part of being alone is not having someone to share with.
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Rachel

Hi Rachel,
I'm sorry I'm missed your earlier post.  I have to agree with Dena about Mr. X.  Take it slowly.  You're new at this and he is rebounding.  Thats good that you feel your depression is low.  Keep looking forward.  Sounds like your health is on a good trend also.  Good for you!

Unlike anything in life we seem to get out what we put in.  I understand breaking into dating and a whole new life is difficult and we're all in unique situations so I cannot comment directly except to offer my support to you.  I think you will get over your apprehension as you get out and mingle a little more.  Take is slow, just chat with folks.  You control the speed you wish to go, which I understand is slow.  You need not feel rushed by any guy (or gal) you meet.  You're recently divorced as well and just breaking back into this world.  Things have changed and you need time to absorb it all.   

You might focus on finding a gal-pal; someone to hang out with, be a wing-woman when you go out and maybe confide with.  This may be an approach that helps you learn the ropes again, gain little confidence, and develop a close friendship with someone you can trust.  These relationships can be easier than with a guy.     

My voice is not where I would like it either.  My mother always comments on it. (I know she worries about me.) But is seems I do well in one on one conversations.  I don't think surgery is for me, I just need to practice at keeping my head voice rather than chest voice.  Easier said than done.

Don't stress over your upcoming surgery.  You'll be fine. 

Hugs, Judi

@Rachel 
I do not have all the surgeries you had, and i am very lucky that I will never need them, because mother nature was very friendly to me and made me rather female looking from day one. 
But I have the same problems you have, I am also alone, an I am alone for 16 years now!
I can only agree with the advice of JudiBlueEyes to find friends who are your support group and who are there or you and with who you go out with.  We are a group of 3 to 4 women who go out together and have fun together.  If mr./mrs right is on location,  they will find you, or you will find them, while still being in the protective environment of your friends!
This gives you a chance to have fun, and still be "prowling" a little for your partner, while having a fall back base and security if mr or mrs right were not that right as they seemed to be on first sight.

Good luck finding a partner!

@judiBlueeyes and @Dietland , thank you for your support. I agree with both of you in finding friends to help me get out and experience friendship and help in this part of my transition. Thank you.

VOICE
I was at Dr. Sataloff's offices yesterday for a visit with my speech pathologist and singing coach. I had some questions and needed some clarifications.

1) Dr. Sataloff had said during my last vocal fold check that the scar tissue is the front and what was the back is now the front. I assumed he meant that he had stripped off the vocal fold material on the whole vocal fold and made a web on part of the stripped vocal folds. I was completely wrong. He with a scalpel removed about 60% of the anterior mucosal membrane and sewed it together. The mucosal membrane is 100% intact from the posterior vocal folds.

2) There are two injections that he can do. One would be into the scar tissue of the web which would soften up the scar tissue and break it up. The web then would be flexible and the folds would hopefully move in unison together.

3) There is another injection he could use either alone or in conjunction with the first injection. It would add volume to the right vocal fold such that it touched the other vocal fold.

4) The injections would most likely be done in an OR. I distinctly heard the doctor say if I tolerated it he would try it in the office.

My base pitch is spot on between 210and 230 HZ. I have no chest voice. My vibration is around my nose area. I have no low pitch and can not access it. When my vocal wed scar tissue is softened and or material is injected into my vocal fold then I will have a clear voice too. My hope and plan. 

I hope it works out for you Rachel.  Sounds like my problem with issues of clarity, but stiffness due from medications.  I can get my pitch to a good place but struggle to hold it as I get comfortable talking.  I most likely need to work with a speech coach or therapist.  Since I'll be on these meds for some time I don't know if surgery is an answer.  That's great that you cannot access lower pitch.

Hi Judi, sorry you are having vocal issues. I know how frustrating it is. all I know is if you ever have any vocal work done do it with eyes wide open. I would have done it much differently.

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TRIGGER WARNING
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So last night (Thursdays) after work I was doing my routine. After work I go to the gayborhood and do an hour of electrolysis. It is with a trans woman my age and post op. She is a friend. While having the electrolysis I mentioned I had all my pre-work completed for my revision surgery next month.

She then asked when will you happy? When will you have fun? When will you stop the surgery and like your body? When will you be proud to be trans? She also mentioned that I am thin and do not need to lose any more weight so stop trying to lose weight. She repeated herself  4 or 5 times. Somewhere in that I got emotional and tears poured down the side of my face. She realized she had hurt me and apologized. I had a difficult time get the words out. I said there are some things I can not talk about.

I then got out, So how do you feel about Trump? That changed the subject and she went on the rest of the session about Trump. I just tried to not think about anything.

I park 8 or 9  blocks away for free. I got to my car and cried. The ride home I cried and I had a lot of dark thoughts. When home I got to bed as soon as I could knowing today it would be better. Last night I was back 2 years ago in dark thoughts.

Today I am much better. I had thought about stopping electrolysis with her. Then I realized several things:
1) I could have asked her to stop.
2) She has had a very hard life and is blunt.
3) What she said is true.

So I had a thought that going forward I will not share anything with anyone anymore. Then I had a though that perhaps I should work on some of the things she said.

@ Rachel, if she is a friend who had gone through all this, she certainly was honest, not very diplomatic, but honest.
If I would be you, I would sit back and reflect very well on what she said, and if she was right, I would correct my life into this direction.
But I don't know you, and thus, can say only what I would do, maybe our thoughts jive and you will do it, too!
Hugs
Linde

Rachel I think your electrologist's opinion may be completely honest from their point of view, and wrong. 

They are also transgender but does that make them an expert in deciding who you are and how you decide to manage your future?  Do they have an identical background and life experiences and goals?  No.

I have sometimes reacted to people and later on realized, why was it all on me?  Instead of answering a personal question should I say "you asked, so you go first."  And if they provide the answer would I tell them they are too fat or too thin?  They should cancel surgery they believe is their best option?  Of course I wouldn't because that is literally none of my business.  I can tell them what I would do, but that's me and I am not them.

@Dietlind and @Kendra, thank you for your support. I have been doing a lot of thinking. Yes, she was not diplomatic and it was not her business to critique. I would never have been so critical of another. I would have made constructive comments in the coarse of conversation, if I felt so compelled.

She has noticed some of the issues I am working on.

I have body issues. I am tall and I want to be the best I can be. I know I will never look cis but it is something I have dreamed about.

I want to be beautiful, enough said.

Yes, I have had some surgeries to align. I will have more.

I have had vocal surgery that will need some corrective action. I had a vaginal revision, second in a month, and both proposed by the surgeon that did my GCS. I did not request it. Yes, I will have a very nice looking vagina when done.

I love going to the gym and I love working on making my body more beautiful. I enjoy it.

I like cloths and shoes. I love to dress for work and apply a little makeup.  I like to shop.

The biggest challenges I have is getting my voice 100%, toning and having a great beach body.

Will I have a breast augmentation 2, I doubt it. Will I get more hair grafts, I doubt it. Will I do major FFS, no way in hell. I will do minor FFS. Will I get liposuction. Most likely I will not need it by spring.

Will I ever like being trans, no. Being female and expressing, absolutely every second of every day.

Will I ever be happy, maybe, maybe not. I went from such a negative position all my life and I mean all my life and now I am in a much better place. I do not have suicidal ideation and I am not majorly depressed. Not bad. Happy, never say never. I am so much better off than I was in 2012. It had been an awesome journey.

Rachel

Rachel, the most important thing is that you feel comfortable with yourself and the body you live with.  I see that you did reflect about her suggestions, and you reached your conclusions!  They are yours for you and your body, it is nobodies business to tell you they are right or wrong!

From looking at your picture, you look pretty female to me, I would not misgender you at all looking at that picture!

I know what you mean with being tall, I am 6' and I like to wear heels, and they make me really tall.  But I don't care,  and all my cis friends tell me it is not a big deal for them either.
Talking about shopping, specifically shoe shopping, I used to be they guy with 30 pairs of shoes, and  I am on my path to be the girl with that many shoes!  I like to be dressed well, and a little with it, it seems as if you and I are similar in that aspect!
Nature was nice to me with my voice and my female looks, ad allowed me to keep all my hair on my head, and that made it easy for me to transition.  But otherwise I have the same issues most trans women have, self confidence, and being my own biggest critic.
I seem to be at a point at which i pass 100% all the times, but being older that seems to be easier, because older women are expected to have some wrinkles, and also, very important, they have lower pitched voices.  I know quite a few cis women who have a lower voice than I have!

But I think the biggest single issue for us is the self confidence.  As long as we tell ourselves, we might not pass, we will be so nervous around other people that they start to look for clues, and they might find some.

I wish you good luck, and that you achieve the body which your mind wants to have!
It is your body, and you have to live with it, nobody else has, and nobody else has a saying about it!
Hugs
Linde

Hi Linde, thank you for the support. You are lucky.  There is another thing I was thinking about. Where I work it is 80 to 90% woman and the vast majority of people are professionals. It is super competitive and they hire extremely bright people. Also, I am 56 and most are younger. So when I compare myself to others the pool I am comparing myself to is with very beautiful young intelligent woman. I wonder how many other woman where I work feel somewhat like I do?

I switched my HRT provider from Mazzoni to Papillion today. Papillion moved there offices to a much larger and beautiful suite. It is still at the Village Center. Also, Dr. McGinn operates out of Capital Health Hospital in Pennington (Hope Well) NJ. It is very close to New Hope. Capital Health is a beautiful Hospital from what my sister said.

My primary care is still with Mazzoni. I wish there was a LGBT primary care in my area where I live. Mazzoni is close to where I work so that is OK and convenient.

I am feeling great. I had electrolysis, 30 minutes, Tuesday night, 3 hours today and 1 hour this evening. This is a full out war on face hair. It is getting better and I do see improvement. There is hope.

I am on my 3rd week eating kito. I feel great but miss bread. I make kito bread, roles and tortilla chips but they are not the same. Ok, I miss chips and peanut M&M's as a treat. I miss apples, pears, grapes and dragon fruit too. I ate a lot of sugar in the form of fruit. Beach Body, beach body where are you?

I part my hair on the side now and I have receive lot of compliments. I am starting to love curly hair and blond hair I love.

My T is 26 and I am going to try to shoot for 40 ng/dl. I am horney now so what will happen when I increase my T about 60%, I do not know. I wish T came in a syringe with a cap so I can meter out a more exact amount. I may try E cream, I do not know. SubQ injections have worked very well.

Back to feeling awesome

Rachel, if you're using the androgel or a generic equivalent, which is what I take,.try this ...

I squeeze the packet into a 3ml syringe, then use that to administer exact amounts daily, as seems normal for me, I need a tiny dose to hit feminine mid-range so a packet would last me several days. Also I'm going to be making a placebo for double blinded cycling of T so I needed to get it into identical syringes anyway.

Hi Sadie,

I thought about putting it into a syringe. The T gel I use is clear so if it became cloudy I could discard it. Do you notice any change in color or consistency in the T gel? Thanks for the suggestion. I will load a syringe up tonight.