I finally got to talk to a Psychologist today and after 45 minutes she said she had no doubt I was a woman, and recommended my next step is to make an appointment with an Endo to start HRT. Now, while this is good news, and along the direction I wish to go, I am not an alone in the decision to go forward. In a Utopia, I would already be female, but I have to consider my wife, kids, and grandkids. It's official, transitioning is right for me, but it only throws negatives to my family. My wife supports me talking to the Endo, but has a real fear that I will change from the person she committed (and I agreed ) to spend her life with. Coming out may get past my children (in their mid 30's) but may cause them friction or embarrassment from their spouses, or extended families and friends. My initial need is to get past the increasing dysphoria, and maybe hormones will assist. So I am going to discuss options with the Endo which may not include full transition, but to see how far I could reasonably go and still present as male when needed.

Every individual case is different, and I realise I could never completely pass, so it's not about reaching a goal, just managing the background noise.

Fingers crossed..

Allie

Quote from: Allie Jayne on February 19, 2019, 05:48:08 AM
I finally got to talk to a Psychologist today and after 45 minutes she said she had no doubt I was a woman, and recommended my next step is to make an appointment with an Endo to start HRT. Now, while this is good news, and along the direction I wish to go, I am not an alone in the decision to go forward. In a Utopia, I would already be female, but I have to consider my wife, kids, and grandkids. It's official, transitioning is right for me, but it only throws negatives to my family. My wife supports me talking to the Endo, but has a real fear that I will change from the person she committed (and I agreed ) to spend her life with. Coming out may get past my children (in their mid 30's) but may cause them friction or embarrassment from their spouses, or extended families and friends. My initial need is to get past the increasing dysphoria, and maybe hormones will assist. So I am going to discuss options with the Endo which may not include full transition, but to see how far I could reasonably go and still present as male when needed.

Every individual case is different, and I realise I could never completely pass, so it's not about reaching a goal, just managing the background noise.

Fingers crossed..

Allie

Sounds like you have really thought about this and are considering all the possible outcomes from a transition. Maybe some HRT will be enough to deal with your GD. I understand the fears you talk about as I had similar. My transition did cost me a fair bit personally however my family is intact and I am happy. I say this just to say it can be done. Take your time and find the answers to these questions you may well be surprised how your kids react and you can always test out the waters to see how they feel.

My wife and I are still together but our relationship is very different than it was. We are closer now than we have ever been. Not all relationships end up that way and many split. It takes a lot of work and patience.

Good luck with everything and I will be following along with you.

Liz

Quote from: Allie Jayne on February 19, 2019, 05:48:08 AM
Every individual case is different, and I realise I could never completely pass, so it's not about reaching a goal, just managing the background noise.

Allie, congratulations on getting referred to the endo! 

Don't discount passing as a possibility.  I am probably not too different from you in age (no kids or grandkids, though), and I didn't think I had much chance of passing.  Yet, here I am today, never being questioned in public, and getting occasional feedback that people I meet had no idea I was trans.

I understand the need to go slowly with your wife.  Keep talking to each other.  Most people's personalities don't change a lot when they transition.  I was lucky that my wife realized early on that I would still be the same person (for better or for worse! ).

Thank you both for you reassuring words. My wife knew I was trans before we married, and has tolerated me living as a woman at home. Of course, me doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and sewing helps! I try to keep her informed as much as I can, but she was distant as I told her about my session, and I sensed a distrust. We haven't had marital relations for a decade, but she has always believed she will grow old with a man by her side, no matter how he dresses at home. This development threatens that future. She is also terrified I will be found out and she will be embarrassed to be associated with me. I made a commitment to her 20 years ago, and I intend to honour that commitment. I just have to find a way to keep myself alive and work hard at reassuring her.

My children love me and respect that I raised them on my own (my first wife left when my youngest was three), my daughter calls me 'Second Mum' and I am her first call for baby-sitting and general family advice. It's her in laws I worry about. They are closed minded, and love to degrade others, so if I came out, I'm sure they would put pressure on my daughter to keep me away from my 3 grandsons, and I could not risk not seeing them.

I have read different accounts of the power of hormones, from amazing results to poor results in aged people. This is why I will sit down with my Endo and outline my aims to see if they can be achieved. Bottom line is that my wife and family are my primary concern, and my transition comes second, as it always has. I'm scared, there are risks in every direction. I'm taking these steps as my GD is making me unwell, and could take me away from my family in a tragic way, so I have to walk the line between my own welfare and that of my family.

It is so good to have somewhere friendly to unload my burdens, thank you again!

Allie

Alle,

  I'm a lot a like.  I've been married 30+ years and told my wife before we were married that I was a CD but didn't know what the future.  The last 10 years I have been more and more going toward transition.  I don't want to lose my wife but she is a lot like yours in that she pictured growing old with a man.  I've been on HRT for 2 years and it was the best decision I've made.  Really made me love life and I really haven't felt this good for a long long time.  I'm trying to approach a path with the wife but it is really hard on her.  I've told my 3 children about me a few months ago and it went pretty well.  This has helped my wife a little in that she isn't the only one to know about me.
  HRT is very slow for any changes that people can really see.  You skin will probably become softer and body hair could be less (not face). 
  Grand kids is a factor.  Right now I don't have any but the wife and I have talked about things in that area.

Good luck on your path.

Julie

Thanks Julie,

You may have given me something to work on with your comment about wife not being the only one to know. She would feel scared and isolated, and where I can't eliminate the fear, I may be able to ease her isolation. Saying I'm not out to anyone else is probably not right. I haven't told anyone I'm trans, but have hair down to my shoulder blades, long nails, contribute way more than a man can to female conversations, and I cry easily. The girls I work with have made me an honorary woman, and I'm sure many others have also realised who I am. I will look for someone my wife trusts and see if we can at least ease her isolation.

Honestly, until this forum, I was in isolation, and I can feel the relief from having someone to talk to.

Allie

I just wanna say -- it bewilders me that so many people on here are always talking about a "wife" and how there's trouble with "the wife" accepting transitions.
From my perspective: how do you even get a wife??
My embrace of transgender is rooted in a paralyzing fear of women and lifelong, virginal, sexual frustration. It drove me to the point of suicide, I realized I should either commit suicide literally, or kill my male self who couldn't get laid to save his life, and then be reborn as female. As female I don't have to hate myself as much. But getting a wife, let alone a girlfriend, let alone a date has been the most impossible tasks that I've encountered in my life.

Allie, congratulations on your 1st Therapist appointment. Remember this is a process, enjoy the ride. Open a window, grab a cup of coffee and settle in. There will be plenty of interesting scenery, crying, anger, frustration, resentment, joy and even some jumping up and down because you can't believe how happy you are.

I have entire days I walk around feeling "high" on life; a warm cozy feeling of belonging envelops me and I'm the happiest girl on the planet. I wish you the best in your journey. You ALWAYS have your friends here on SP to talk and belong.

All the best.

Sophia

Quote from: Swanson777 on February 19, 2019, 07:28:32 PM
I just wanna say -- it bewilders me that so many people on here are always talking about a "wife" and how there's trouble with "the wife" accepting transitions.
From my perspective: how do you even get a wife??
My embrace of transgender is rooted in a paralyzing fear of women and lifelong, virginal, sexual frustration. It drove me to the point of suicide, I realized I should either commit suicide literally, or kill my male self who couldn't get laid to save his life, and then be reborn as female. As female I don't have to hate myself as much. But getting a wife, let alone a girlfriend, let alone a date has been the most impossible tasks that I've encountered in my life.

Swanson,
                 I think it's important to accept that everyone is different, exposed to different nature and nurture, and even different times. I knew all along I was a girl, and my Mother told me never to tell anyone else because back in the '50's it was 'treated' with shock therapy. So I grew up in fear I would be found out and tortured. My first attempts at being with a girl felt very wrong, so I stopped trying. My family started setting me up with surprise dates which almost all were disasters. Even in my late teens I desperately wanted a baby, and of course, needed a wife to accomplish this. My first wife (another blind date) gave me 2 beautiful babies, and then left me to raise them. I was single and not looking for a long time, my focus was my children, then a close friend decided she was my soulmate, and realised she wasn't looking for anybody else either.

I told her I was trans and she cooled off for a bit, but decided having a husband who cooks, cleans and does the laundry was too good to walk away from. I was desperate to have someone else in my life, as transitioning wasn't a feasible option, I married her and committed to be with her for life. These events formed my life, and any number of variations could have made huge differences.

Don't look at other people and ask why isn't that me?  Look at yourself honestly and figure out the range of situations where you can have an acceptable life, and work towards getting it. We are owed nothing. Don't be fooled by some posts and stories you may read where people have achieved nirvana as it simply isn't true for the long term. Life always throws us challenges as we, the people around us, and the world changes.

My dream was to be pregnant (to a Paediatrician ), deliver and nurse my own babies. That couldn't happen, so I found an alternative which was both challenging and rewarding, but now I have changed, and face new challenges and, if I make the right decisions, hopefully rewards.

You may not achieve all you want, but there is happiness waiting if you work towards it! Look for the good things and don't waste time on the bad.

Allie
 

Quote from: Sophiaprincess2019 on February 19, 2019, 09:27:17 PM
Allie, congratulations on your 1st Therapist appointment. Remember this is a process, enjoy the ride. Open a window, grab a cup of coffee and settle in. There will be plenty of interesting scenery, crying, anger, frustration, resentment, joy and even some jumping up and down because you can't believe how happy you are.

I have entire days I walk around feeling "high" on life; a warm cozy feeling of belonging envelops me and I'm the happiest girl on the planet. I wish you the best in your journey. You ALWAYS have your friends here on SP to talk and belong.

All the best.


Sophia

Thank you Sophie!
                             I'm not sure why but your post has me crying, but good tears that I am not alone!

Allie

Quote from: Allie Jayne on February 19, 2019, 09:42:56 PM
Swanson,
                 I think it's important to accept that everyone is different, exposed to different nature and nurture, and even different times. I knew all along I was a girl, and my Mother told me never to tell anyone else because back in the '50's it was 'treated' with shock therapy. So I grew up in fear I would be found out and tortured.

You may not achieve all you want, but there is happiness waiting if you work towards it! Look for the good things and don't waste time on the bad.

Allie

Hello Allie Jane

Like you I always knew I was trans and told my grandmother aged 4 in 1959 that I wished to be girl. As you say it was not understood and greatly disapproved of in 1950s and 1960s. I crossdressed and bodyshaved all my adult life and as dating was usually unsuccessful, I never married but I never felt either fear of women or sexual frustration as I was/am virtually asexual.

Fortunately the transgender subject is now better understood medically and the anti-reaction from society is not as great as it was; we are gradually gaining acceptance. I sought therapy in 2017 aged 62 and then HRT in February 2018. I shall be publicly transitioning later this year aged 64.

I wish you success both from a family perspective - wife and children and grandchildren - and from HRT should you choose that route.

Hugs

Pamela 

Quote from: Swanson777 on February 19, 2019, 07:28:32 PM
I just wanna say -- it bewilders me that so many people on here are always talking about a "wife" and how there's trouble with "the wife" accepting transitions.
From my perspective: how do you even get a wife??

I grew up not knowing what was "wrong" with me.  I didn't date much at all, was still a virgin at age 30, and never even thought that I might be transgender until well into my 30s.  Even then, my internal transphobia said no way.

I figured that the reason I wasn't married like everyone else I knew was because I hadn't tried hard enough.  Being an analyst by nature, I analysed the situation and came up with an action plan to find a compatible partner.  That plan was successful, and I got married at age 49.  All that time, whenever the subject of being trans came up in my mind, the answer was "no way".

After 13 years of marriage, I woke up and realized that the correct answer had been "hell, yes" all along.  My analytical approach to finding a partner had been more successful than I thought, and I discovered how much my wife had the "right stuff" when she stuck by me as I have started my transition.

And that is how this trans woman got a wife.  YMMV

Quote from: Allie Jayne on February 19, 2019, 04:58:59 PM
Thank you both for you reassuring words. My wife knew I was trans before we married, and has tolerated me living as a woman at home. Of course, me doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and sewing helps! I try to keep her informed as much as I can, but she was distant as I told her about my session, and I sensed a distrust. We haven't had marital relations for a decade, but she has always believed she will grow old with a man by her side, no matter how he dresses at home. This development threatens that future. She is also terrified I will be found out and she will be embarrassed to be associated with me. I made a commitment to her 20 years ago, and I intend to honour that commitment. I just have to find a way to keep myself alive and work hard at reassuring her.

My children love me and respect that I raised them on my own (my first wife left when my youngest was three), my daughter calls me 'Second Mum' and I am her first call for baby-sitting and general family advice. It's her in laws I worry about. They are closed minded, and love to degrade others, so if I came out, I'm sure they would put pressure on my daughter to keep me away from my 3 grandsons, and I could not risk not seeing them.

I have read different accounts of the power of hormones, from amazing results to poor results in aged people. This is why I will sit down with my Endo and outline my aims to see if they can be achieved. Bottom line is that my wife and family are my primary concern, and my transition comes second, as it always has. I'm scared, there are risks in every direction. I'm taking these steps as my GD is making me unwell, and could take me away from my family in a tragic way, so I have to walk the line between my own welfare and that of my family.

It is so good to have somewhere friendly to unload my burdens, thank you again!

Allie

Hi Allie

I read you posts with a certain amount de ja vu and see the similarities in your thinking's and situation as mine The fears you express are both normal and natural for the situation. It is definitely a hard row to hoe.

My wife and I had an discussion around how things are for us now that I have transitioned 32 years into marriage. She misses the male in her life but loves the woman I am and all that comes with it. My adult daughters struggled for awhile but as the changes took effect and I began to change they also began to embrace the happier more fulfilled person that emerged. They have had to deal with friends who won't understand but have found most are rally supportive.

I say this stuff only to give you a positive view of how things can turn out. I have lost friends and Family but to be honest those I have lost were probably never going to be there for me anyway.

Transition is full of pitfalls but I sense such a caring attitude within your posts that I feel you will do you well. Looking after yourself is important but so is balancing the needs of your family. I sincerely hope you can keep those who are most important to you with you on the journey. It is fraught with pitfalls and personal potholes I hope you can if make it through to a place of happiness and keep those around you with you.

Take care

Liz


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Again, thank you all for your responses, each one reinforcing that I am not alone, which is so comforting. Liz, did you tell your daughters you were transitioning? I am envious of you retaining your loved ones and wish I could jump ahead 5 years to see how I do!

My life journey started with the realisation I was different, but when I look at how it has progressed, I realise I had few options along the way. I think this is still the case. My dysphoria has increased to bouts of depression, and my immune system is so weak I am sick more often than I am well. I must decrease my dysphoria, and my psych agrees that HRT is my only way forward. Having said that, my families welfare is so important to me, if I caused negative impacts to them, or worse, couldn't see them, I believe it would cause more depression and illness. So I have to find a path which goes some way to satisfying both. I know HRT will feminise me and my family will notice, so I have to be sensitive to their reactions and be prepared to alter my plans.

I already have learned so much from this forum, some great ideas, and some life lessons from reading accounts of those who have travelled this path before me. As much as I detest my beard, it is at least light so I have decided to keep it until my family has shown they can accept me. Very little of this is what I want to do, but what I must. With this Forum, I have learnt the value of sharing my feelings and fears with others, and I am going to look for someone else in a similar situation I can talk to face to face. (not so easy as I'm a country girl and there's not much in the way of support in my area). I am also going to look for someone my wife can share her feelings and fears with as she is also going through my transition.

I read in the threads the joy others have at starting their transitions, and the frustrations that it's not happening fast enough, and you'd think at 65 I'd be in hurry also, but I think time is my ally in keeping my family close, and I am not allowing myself the dream of living as a woman full time. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Allie

Quote from: Allie Jayne on February 20, 2019, 04:51:21 PM
Again, thank you all for your responses, each one reinforcing that I am not alone, which is so comforting. Liz, did you tell your daughters you were transitioning? I am envious of you retaining your loved ones and wish I could jump ahead 5 years to see how I do!

......
Allie

After coming back from my disaster of a trip to New Zealand to come out to my parents I sat my daughters down. They were 20 and 21 at the time and told them what I knew. They were naturally concerned for me and my wife (their mother) but I promised I would keep them informed and involved if they wanted to be. At this stage my wife had told me she was not going anywhere and we would have to work this through. We were very realistic  about how difficult this was going to be and I knew I had to take my time...I did the best I could and did not present myself as Liz for a long time. I have had some really hard conversations with my daughters about how I was feeling about the world and my place in it. Slowly but surely as I began to change and they began to understand how important this was for my ongoing health and happiness.

My daughter said to me the other day I would much rather be having you here as Liz than visiting a gravesite.


I have lost my brother and to a certain extent my parents. They have been over here for the last week to visit and I have spent only 2.5 hrs with them. This is the only time they have found free to see me ...it has been very difficult not just for me but for my wife and daughters. The last time they were here pre my transition they were here every day spending time with me and my family either together or separately. It has been a horrible difficult week culminating last night in a failed attempt to get together for dinner. I may or may not see them before they leave to go back to New Zealand on Friday but the damage has been done.


Liz

Liz,
       I so feel for you as the support of parents is so important, and our similar lives make me feel close to you. I lost my parents over 20 years ago, and I know my Dad would never have accepted the real me. Mum knew me, and treated me as her daughter by passing on domestic skills, then leaving me her jewellery and crystal and such when she died, but she would never actually say she saw me as her daughter. I have 3 brothers who I think would accept me, as coming out would help them make sense of the brother who cries too easily, and does girly things, but I think one of my sister in laws would have a big problem.

So I know things won't be perfect. I look around at other families who are 'normal' and see bickering and all out fighting over things as insignificant as a misunderstood comment, and I realise to some extent, it's human nature and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I can survive without my brothers, but I really need my wife and children, so I will do what I can to keep them. It may not work, but I have to know I did my best.

There are no guarantees in life, so I've learned you have to concentrate on the happiness you have around you and don't waste time wallowing in negative emotions. Celebrate your relationship with your wife and daughters, look around and see how lucky you are, cuddle them and tell them how much they mean to you. Love and hate are reflected so put out the one you want to get back, and who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Hugs

Allie