Hey, my name is Vance but I go by 'V'. I've been a long time lurker but never posted, mostly because I've been fighting myself over my gender for forever.
I'm 33 yrs old and finally beginning to let myself accept that I'm a trans man.
  I was raised by fundamentalist Christian conservatives. So I've spent most of my adulthood working to undo all the brainwashing I consumed as a kid. I didnt accept that I was bisexual till I was 22 and didnt fully come out till several years after that. I've been questioning my gender for most of my adulthood but I didnt realize it. I always felt like I was trying to so hard to be a woman, it wasnt natural to me and i put so much mental effort into trying to perform correctly. I had never even heard of the word transgender till I was in college so I had no frame of reference. Thanks to the beliefs I had absorbed, in my mind, you are the gender you are and it was 'part of god's plan'. I just thought I sucked at being who I was supposed to be, a woman. Which in my parents' belief system, meant i wasnt being obedient or trying hard enough.
As I've started accepting who I am, I've begun remembering all these events from my childhood that make so much more sense in retrospect. It's been very weird to look back and see how hard the adults in my life were working to control my gender expression/identity using their religion. I was often compared to my younger sisters, they seemed to embrace their gender and perform so naturally.
  Anyway, long story short, over the last few years due to some moments of crisis and hardship I came to a decision. I am not a woman and ignoring that will not make it go away. I am a man and I accept this about myself. The problem is, it honestly feels like since I've stopped fighting myself, I've realized just how trapped I've bee . For so long I didnt understand on a personal level what other Trans people would mean when they talked about needing to transition. I kept thinking that I would be fine. I could shove these feelings deep inside, ignore them and they would go away. That has so not been true for me. Its like those feelings went deep inside and tried to kill me. I went thru some very dark days where the idea of living the rest of my life like this made me want to kill myself. I'm now taking some anti depressants and talking to a therapist (not about my gender stuff yet tho) so I am okay. But I've come to realize, that for me, some level of transition is medically necessary. I dont think I can live the rest of my life playing the part of some other person that I never was and never will be. I personally no longer believe in a god or religion, so for me this life is all I get. I dont want to spend it like this.
So yeah, I've only come out to one person IRL so this is like my second opportunity to do so. It feels pretty great.
Hi everyone, I'm Vance and I'm a trans man.

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Welcome!!  I've only been here a few days, but I can't even begin to tell you how much these people have helped me already!

If you haven't already, read  Warrior Princess by Kristin Beck. She was a Navy SEAL when she was Chris Beck.

It's an amazing bio and her upbringing sounds very similar to yours - conservative Christian, etc.

I'm glad you're here, V

Hi Vance or I should say 'V'  glad you are here and found the courage to start posting.  It is one step in your journey.  While lurking can definitely be helpful getting the opportunity for direct feedback to what you are experiencing is even better.

Sounds like you have had a challenging journey.  Yeah not to go into religion too much but I grew up thinking religion was about love not hate.  I have moved away from most organized religion because of the overall non-acceptance of the LGBTQ community including my own religion.  I thought we had no problem.  After doing some research I learned that sure we are welcome to attend but are not allowed to marry within the church.  Huh?  Is that really acceptance?  OK off the religion topic.

Even though you are seeing a therapist for other concerns definitely add this to the mix.  I think the right therapist is very helpful in helping us find our path on this journey.

G'day Vance,

Great to see another transman!

Transmen rock!

Best regards, Kirsten.

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Hi V 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hugs

V M

@CallMeV 
Dear V:
     I see that you have just become a member here and have now posted here in the Introductions Forum.

     I also see that our lovely member  @V M  gave you a warm Welcome to Susan's Place.
    As you post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    Our lovely member V M  has attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will let you have your thread back so you can pursue answers to your questions.
Other members here will certainly be along to give you their comments and suggestions that you may be seeking

Welcome Vance! (I've always liked the name, even considered it for my own chosen name)

You should be able to get good support from all the wonderful people here.  I read much more than I post.

Good for you to decide to put your well being front and center. I never was good at being a female and stuffed all the other realities down, mostly due to fear. That led to a life that was devoid of much happiness. Finally decided to take responsibility for the remaining years of my life. I've been on testosterone for 8 months now, started at 61, and am wrestling with insurance to get approval for top surgery.

Hope to see you around the site.

Perry

Thanks everyone for your kind welcome! Right now, this forum is my only connection to the trans community and it's been like a breath of fresh air to be here and hear from others.
Thanks again : )


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