<deep breath>
I have to apologize from go as I have no idea how long that this instruction may turn out. When I think I will be succinct, I write a tome. When I prepare myself for a novel, I find I have less to say than I thought. I suspect that this will go on for a bit. Not because I'm all that interested, but because this is that restaurant a hungry urchin gazes at for years. This place has been part of my life for almost as long as it hasn't. I've guested here since I was in my early twenties. The place, and the internet, looked MUCH different back then in 1997. I hadn't met my wife, I was a few years into a degree I would eventually despise and was already a master of the controlled chaos in my mind. During this period, I somehow stumbled on this site thanks to a casual mention on UseNet.
This place looked soooo different back then. Then again, so did most websites. I was absurdly shy back in those days. This was before the years would force that to a level of reserved curiosity. Basically, there was little chance I would introduce myself. I knew who I was inside, though I didn't quite know all the terminology. Things like presenting, dysphoria, passing, etc. were not in my vocabulary. I still knew who I was, or rather desperately desired to be. I'll save the self-discovery bits for a later time, as I think most of them are so familiar that we could probably etch a bunch on them into stone tablets at this point. Oh .... yeah this is going to be on the long side. Maybe grab some tea now. I'll wait.
So basically, I lived vicariously through this site, through this amazing place that Susan built. I couldn't be that geeky nerdy college girl that would one day become all the rage in pop culture. You all helped me deal. At least until I met my wife. As we started dating, I let her know early on. I didn't want to become too invested in a relationship when I spend so much time internalizing on the possibility of actually shedding the facade, we all seem to have at some point. She was supportive, albeit somewhat pragmatic. She suggested that I was a person who was amazing and should be who I am, but since it was early in the relationship, she wasn't about to commit to anything of course. In short order we both fell in love. Curiously, and probably because of her Psychology major, she the role switched, and she became ultra-supportive. I became a bit cautious and pragmatic. Both of us came from traditional and religious families. I also worried about employment prospects. I made the decision that now wasn't the time. She supported that, though made it clear that she felt I may still just need to build up confidence. Shy girl was shy.
We got married, started a family, and started our careers. Over the next decade and a half there were many conversations about the possibility of transitioning, but it wasn't until my children were teens that I finally decided that things were right. My wife and I talked at length how to approach telling them, but before we could do so, my oldest child pulled my wife aside and revealed that he was transgender (AFAB). Yep. We have always put the kids first, and this was no exception. After allowing enough time for this new experience and giving my son the support and safety we felt he needed, as well as the reassurance that we would support him in his transition at the pace he felt comfortable with, I told him about myself. His mother and I, along with his sister, helped him navigate this time in his life. We started making sure that there was a fund for him should he make the decision to transition beyond pronouns, names, and binders. I could wait. I have to say that I knew surprisingly little about being a transgender young man, so it was really a learning experience to say the least.
A year later my wife was diagnosed with liver cancer, and all treatments didn't seem as effective as we hoped. In January of 2017 my wife passed away in our arms. The two years that followed were the most difficult in my life, but I got through them. We got through it together. My son has been on HRT for over a year and is in his first year of college. He is doing amazing. My daughter, who is a senior in high school this year, came out as gay to me not long after her mother passed, and she seems focused on pursuing the same field of study as my wife, albeit in research and not as a clinician. Over the last year I thought of transitioning but had to work things out mentally. You would be surprised at how much guilt there can be at finally taking this step without the person who cheered me on to do it for so long. She was always a fan of those old sayings that you find on pillows and home decor. One keeps coming to mind, "The best time to plant a tree was twenty years ago. The second-best time is now."
So here I am, 42, and next week I have my second appointment with my endocrinologist. If the labs come out fine, Spiro and E, and all of the many many things in front of me. I've slowly been telling my closest friends and family, with the typical mixed results. But the gauntlet I've already walked seemed to have gifted me with the ability to keep things in perspective. The most important people in my life are behind me. That's all that matters. I'm a tad older than I thought I would be when I started this process ... but I'll lie to myself and say it was just patience and not fear holding me back all these years.
Well, that wasn't nearly as long as I suspected. Ha! Anyway, while I have certainly had some stormy days behind me, I certainly thank the heavens for the healthy helping of serendipity that punctuates so much of my life's experiences. I appreciate anyone who took the time read this jumbled mess of words, and more importantly, I thank you all for allowing this woman to be a voyeur here for so long.
<Exhales happily>
