Hi Everyone,

I'm new... i mostly found Susan's Place because I'm beyond depressed.  I've begun self medicating because a doctor isn't an option, right now, but I'm low dosing hormones and... I'm surviving.  Of course everything I've read says I'm crazy and well... maybe I am.

Can anyone relate to me?

Quote from: kellymonroe on March 03, 2019, 05:34:54 PM
Hi Everyone,

I'm new... i mostly found Susan's Place because I'm beyond depressed.  I've begun self medicating because a doctor isn't an option, right now, but I'm low dosing hormones and... I'm surviving.  Of course everything I've read says I'm crazy and well... maybe I am.

Can anyone relate to me?

Hi Kelly,
   My name is Moni. I'm glad you decided to post. I hope you feel comfortable here. It is so hard when we bundle things up. Letting it out can help and this is a pretty safe place. I think you might find many here who understand. I don't know you but I doubt you are crazy. Dysphoria can kick your butt. Talking is a good positive step. I hope you will continue.

Quote from: kellymonroe on March 03, 2019, 05:34:54 PM
Hi Everyone,

I'm new... i mostly found Susan's Place because I'm beyond depressed.  I've begun self medicating because a doctor isn't an option, right now, but I'm low dosing hormones and... I'm surviving.  Of course everything I've read says I'm crazy and well... maybe I am.

Can anyone relate to me?

You're only crazy if you don't think you're crazy. Being that you think you're crazy... You're not crazy. Isn't that crazy?

         kellymonroe you haven't missed the boat perhaps it's late and just won't ever leave the dock? We all probably started same as you (no discussion of self-medicating allowed) so if think yer ready for the cruise of yer life untie that knot, hop aboard and see what happens! Assume you've done a lot of reading here already?

Welcome!

Thanks for the response.  I'm a mess. I hate to even start talking in case it just starts a flood.   I'll try for the short version.. I've been trans my entire life; I've known it but I've lived in such shame and fear.  I was beat pretty thoroughly as a child for it.  It is what it is.  I've lived a life of sadness and pain and trouble and now I'm 50.  I barely got here.  I pray for a miracle that puts my brain in the right body and have everyone just accept it but of course I know it's not going to happen.  The older I get the more I realize that I never lived my life at all - and probably won't.   It's so overwhelming.

But i have a family that I care everything about.  I don't want to hurt them.... embarrass them... it's such a horrible situation.   How do you cope?

Quote from: kellymonroe on March 03, 2019, 06:43:42 PM. . . older I get the more I realize that I never lived my life at all - and probably won't . . . I don't want to hurt them.... embarrass them... How do you cope?

       One day at a time! I've been doing what your doing "for the last 40 years" and sometimes while I also feel haven't "lived my life at all" IT SIMPLY NOT TRUE and the ones you don't want to hurt are living proof! Keep doing what your doing sounds like time is finally right now DO FOR YOU cause ya prolly deserve it!

While an "early onset" myself was around your age when finally got real serious I still have a nice family and ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS (lol why 'ex spouse" is an entire other story!)

Hi, Kelly!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

There are many of us older transitioners here.  Many of us are in our 50s, 60s, or even 70s.  I am 64, and started this journey by coming out to my wife at age 61.  It is never too late!

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	Cautionary Note	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

No, My life was in a mess too. Now, I live a good life as Taylor coming out as bigender 10 years ago.

Quote from: kellymonroe on March 03, 2019, 05:34:54 PM
Hi Everyone,

I'm new... i mostly found Susan's Place because I'm beyond depressed.  I've begun self medicating because a doctor isn't an option, right now, but I'm low dosing hormones and... I'm surviving.  Of course everything I've read says I'm crazy and well... maybe I am.

Can anyone relate to me?

I knew I was trans at least 30 years ago and just... existed. The day I started in HRT was the day  really started to live! So get on board, find a doctor (safer and lots more effective!) and enjoy the ride.

Quote from: kellymonroe on March 03, 2019, 06:43:42 PM
Thanks for the response.  I'm a mess. I hate to even start talking in case it just starts a flood.   I'll try for the short version.. I've been trans my entire life; I've known it but I've lived in such shame and fear.  I was beat pretty thoroughly as a child for it.  It is what it is.  I've lived a life of sadness and pain and trouble and now I'm 50.  I barely got here.  I pray for a miracle that puts my brain in the right body and have everyone just accept it but of course I know it's not going to happen.  The older I get the more I realize that I never lived my life at all - and probably won't.   It's so overwhelming.

But i have a family that I care everything about.  I don't want to hurt them.... embarrass them... it's such a horrible situation.   How do you cope?

Kelly, your story is very familiar.  I made it to 62 while hiding everything, and finally crashed, seeking help at the last minute almost exactly 3 years ago.  I came out to my wife and family.  There were issues, and I am divorced now.  I am also living my life, completely and fully as my authentic self, and am the happiest I have been in my adult life.

Yes, I have hurt others.  Discovering that I had been hiding my true nature hurt others more than anything else, and there is a sense of betrayal that those who were closest to me have felt.  Therapy helps, both for them and me, and has made this transition to my new life less painful.

I am living my life now, and I hope others see this is for the best for me.  I am sad that I caused others pain.  I do believe it would have been at least as painful for them to have had to bury me, however.

Quote from: kellymonroe on March 03, 2019, 06:43:42 PM
Thanks for the response.  I'm a mess. I hate to even start talking in case it just starts a flood.   I'll try for the short version.. I've been trans my entire life; I've known it but I've lived in such shame and fear.  I was beat pretty thoroughly as a child for it.  It is what it is.  I've lived a life of sadness and pain and trouble and now I'm 50.  I barely got here.  I pray for a miracle that puts my brain in the right body and have everyone just accept it but of course I know it's not going to happen.  The older I get the more I realize that I never lived my life at all - and probably won't.   It's so overwhelming.

But i have a family that I care everything about.  I don't want to hurt them.... embarrass them... it's such a horrible situation.   How do you cope?

Kellymonroe:

I first understood I was different at age 3.
 
I'm Roman Catholic and attended parochial schools until college.

I married; fathered 3, divorced, remarried...

I've lived the shame, pain, fear, anxiety & anger.  20 + years of antidepressants only gave me the side effects.  I got into self-medication to kill the pain.  Last July an emergency hospitalization opened my eyes to how my coping mechanisms were killing me.

I had a choice; keep doing what I was doing and die early, or accept who I am, and try to live authentically.  I decided I was dead either way, coping mechanisms, suicide, or be true to myself.  Being true to myself gives me the best chance at a long life and if I'm truly loved - I'll be accepted.

I came out to my wife.  Just know doing that is equivalent to setting of a WMD in the marriage.

It was 4 months of hell!!!!

Then one day she told me she was at peace and that the 25 years we've been together doesn't change because I present & feel more female.

She went with me to my transition coach (counselor.)  She went with me to the endo.  I'm on HRT.  We talk about how I feel, not just physically (painful breasts) but emotionally.  We discuss our feelings.  I cry tears of joy, and I truly empathize with others.

We're on the road to adding girlfriend to best friend, lover (though that will fade), & spouse.

Kelleymonroe - I share this to give you hope that life can be better.

I'm 59 and accepted the true me last September.

Don't sell yourself short, and don't settle for living in pain, anxiety and repressed anger.  You have the rest of your life to live as authentically as possible.  I can't say what you should do, I can only say is you need to decide.  Happiness is initially illusive. But it is there to enjoy if you but reach for it.

Kate


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

It took 64 years for me to finally break down and seek the answers to the questions I've had as long as I can remember. I thought I could not begin my transition because of health problems. Thanks to the  great advice I received by some wonderful people on this website I am now over 2.5 years on HRT. Having constant depression is a thing of the past, I am finding something I did not have much of. Friends. People like myself actually do exist. The thing that makes me successful pulling this off is my wife of 35 years. Yes, she has imposed some restrictions on me, but for the most part I am free to express myself enough to keep the dysphoria at bay. I go to two sometimes three support groups a week and I have established a wonderful group of people I care very much for.  I do regret I did not come out in "84" when I first attempted to find a gender therapist but none existed at that time. In fact transgender was not even a term until the late 80's.  The last three years have been the best of my life and for once I am lucid enough to know what happiness is. Antidepressants suck.

Hi Kelly,

There are a lot of folks here that can tell stories of crazy and being totally lost in how to cope. Most of us have made it through to places that are relatively stable. Please continue to reach out to those of us on Susan's Place and we will help in any way we can.

But I highly recommend you finding a lgbtq+ familiar and capable counselor to help you understand more of the path you are on and to give you some information and tools to work with.

Best of luck on this journey,
Tia Anne

Yeah I missed the boat...then I dove in and swam after it for all I was worth.

You'll find me dancing on the Lido deck.

Hugs, Carly

I also just turned 50.  I also finally got up the nerve to to look up a lgbt friendly doctor that did gender affirmation.  I just about laughed when I learned MY doctor was one.  I got up the nerve at my last appointment to tell him I was transgender and wanted to try Hormone Replacement Therapy to see if it relieved my Gender Dysphoria.  He made another appointment, asked me a few questions, then prescribed them.  As discussed in another thread here, experts believe we are transgender due to having testosterone during the first portion of our growth in the mothers womb, then not having it when the brain was developing later.  Ergo, the first time frame gave us male body, the 2nd time frame gave us a female brain.  The Hormones we take seem to give the brain the needed chemicals it needs to be at peace and not in distress.  It is not just about changing our bodies, although that also seems to help with the distress.  Many here share your story, and many have gotten relief through HRT.   Many also get relief by talking about it here, which is a good first step to not feeling alone, or not feeling like you are doing something wrong.  Our condition is normal, it is just much more rare.  Many after they embrace who they are are thankful for the insight, the feelings, etc. of being a little bit of both genders. 

   I don't know about your doctor problem now, but there are newer ways to legally get prescribed HRT without going through the older long process with the old gate keepers of the medicine.  Informed Consent is a path many take.  Finding a LGBT friendly doctor is a start.  HRT can be tried to see if it will relieve the stress and anxiety in your brain for a few months without any noticeable or lasting changes.  If you stop taking them, your body just changes back.

Here is a link where you can do a search for LGBT medical professionals.  They can help you get the meds you need safely.  A blood clot that sends you to the hospital or worse is a bad way to start a new life that is waiting for you. 

Welcome to the board, you are among friends and kindred spirits who know a lot about what you are going through and will be here to listen and help you if we can. 

https://www.outcarehealth.org/ 

Hello Kellymonroe

You have not missed the boat. It is never to late to take action.

I have always known I am transgender and told my grandmother aged 4 in 1959. I crossdressed and bodyshaved all my adult life and suppressed and buried so many times and like you was constantly miserable and depressed. It became so dominant in 2017 that I had no choice other than to seek therapy aged 62 followed by HRT. I am publicly transitioning later this year aged 64.

It seems you are at the point I was at in 2017. I suggest you seek a gender therapist and if you both agree then try lowdose HRT to explore further. You should within a few weeks or months know if HRT is right for you as it is for me and for many respondees.

I wish you every success whichever route(s) you chose to take.

Hugs

Pamela

Hi.  After many years of denial, repression anxiety.....I finally accepted my nature.  At least better.I am in my 60s fighring regrets over lost opprtunities. Is a losing path.  I am new on here. Great to know I am not alone.  You aren't either.

Quote from: GinaG on March 04, 2019, 10:43:26 AM
Hi.  After many years of denial, repression anxiety.....I finally accepted my nature.  At least better.I am in my 60s fighring regrets over lost opprtunities. Is a losing path. I am new on here. Great to know I am not alone.  You aren't either.

@GinaG
Dear Gina:
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and this is your very first posting.   I am happy to see that you found the Susan's Place Forums.

    As you post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

@GinaG   
Oh, and another thing Gina...
Please plan to write a post and tell us more about yourself in the Introductions Forum so that other members will be aware of your arrival... therefore you will be able to share your thoughts with more members here.
     
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will let you have your thread back so you can pursue answers to your questions.
Other members here will certainly be along to give you their comments and suggestions that you may be seeking

Quote from: CarlyMcx on March 04, 2019, 02:08:02 AM
Yeah I missed the boat...then I dove in and swam after it for all I was worth.

You'll find me dancing on the Lido deck.

Hugs, Carly

Oh, it was you who asked me for that dance when it was pitch black out there!