So this post is a combination of a few things in other threads and my own thoughts on the subject.

In a different recent post there was a discussion regarding telling a boyfriend our history - ( no secret which thread but this is about more than just that )

Anyway part of the discussion was about disclosing or not that we are trans.  There is also Emma's thread and her enormous concerns for her wife and their relationship.  I know many of you share that as well.

So the reason for this topic is I was just watching a romantic movie and I kept thinking - that will probably never be me again.  I started thinking about wanting to be stealth in a relationship.  My opinion as stated in the other thread has not changed but I certainly can understand the motivation to not want to disclose.

This path we have chosen increases the odds of being alone both romantically and sexually.  I know we are a varied group and this is not the case for everyone.  Ashley for example has married post transition to a great guy.    I know others here have sexual partners - male and female - and others have stayed together with their wives post transition such as Moonflower and Blue Star.

But for many of us including myself this path has some major drawbacks.  For me the biggest one is that I expect I will never have another significant other.  Yes I guess I could find 'someone' just to have sex - a couple of admirers have pursued me but I don't want to be someone's fetish.

The vast majority of the population is not going to be romantically or sexually attracted to me.  It's not a pity party it's just a fact. 

Do I regret my choice?  Absolutely not.  Are there drawbacks such as this? Absolutely yes.

I comment frequently about finding the courage to live authentically and I think that is the most important thing. But for those that consider transitioning I must be candid about both the positives and negatives.  Anticipating the possibility that it may be tough to find someone is something that must be taken into consideration.

Is it impossible to find someone?  NO.  Do I expect to? Not really.  I still hope.

Hi Kim!

Important topic little sister!

Here are a couple quick observations from my perspective!

QuoteAnticipating the possibility that it may be tough to find someone is something that must be taken into consideration.

Good advice... this can be a large part of the pie and should be given worthy consideration... I thought that despite transition being my only path forward to a life that held any real meaning to me... I was also likely closing the door on meaningful romantic attachment... yet... here I am... My husband and I will celebrate out 3rd wedding anniversary in six months.... we move into transition with hopes and fears... listen to them both but, don't let fear monopolize the conversation...  Hope should always have her voice heard as well...

Quote

Do I expect to? Not really. 

I am going to now administrator a loving kick in your rear to get your attention and submit, for your consideration... the possibility that when we view our probable outcome in the manner quoted... we may not pursue possibilities with the fervor they deserve... we may shy away from opportunities out of FEAR that they will lead only to hurt or disappointment...  I think you see where I am going...  every decision we make changes our reality to some degree and we are all victims or beneficiaries of those decisions.... You are walking one of life's boldest paths little sister... don't stop striding forward boldly now!... Find what you want in all of this!!!

Hugs and Lotsa Love Always!!!

Yer Sis!!!

A 🙋‍♀️💕🌻

@KimOct
Dear Kim:
Ahhhh.... the subject of Romance and endeavors of the heart.   This is a subject that all women and men deal with sometimes successfully and sometimes with ensuing issues....  and of course with a transgender partner or partners the issues can certainly be more complicated and confusing for sure.

In my old thread I had lots of postings regarding my romantic trials with several male and female suitors.  Even though I had be living as a full-time woman for 2 years and finally after personally stressing a lot about coming-out and revealing my trans secret to everyone that I came across in my town and in my past life sure made things much easier and more successful as I continued forward with my developing relationships.  I now have several romances going and I am carefully navigating how to handle all of that.  We all know that even cis-women don't handle all of that very well at times.   I have to follow my heart but with careful thought.

Romance can come your way, a loving partner can come your way, and a sexually fulfilling relationship can come your way....   put away your doubts and put away your fears as much as possible, think positive, and put yourself out there.   I know, that is all much easier said than done for sure.

Of course going forward with a satisfying relationship can be tough as you stated... but please don't give up... 
Never surrender, never give up.
Always have hope..... hope springs eternal.

Please keep us all updated.  I will be eagerly looking for your next reports... please keep them coming.
Thank you for sharing.

Hugs, and well wishes,
Danielle

Nice hearing from a couple of well respected sources. 

Yeah Ashley you know me - I pull in the driveway sometimes ( inside joke )

I never give up hope - ever - I don't know how to live without hope.  But I am always pragmatic.  There is something to be said about self fulfilling prophecy though so I will keep that in mind.

I didn't post this for sympathy - I have felt it since starting transition 3 years ago, rather I want to always discuss the pros and cons of transition.  That's mostly why I am here.

Love to everybody. 

I think romance or the right person is a little harder when you are trans but I wasn't short of offers for sex, and, when Alicia came along I found someone I never dreamed I'd ever have.. an almost perfect match. So I disagree... while it gets more complex there is always a chance!

Quote from: KimOct on March 10, 2019, 09:59:45 PM
Nice hearing from a couple of well respected sources. 

Yeah Ashley you know me - I pull in the driveway sometimes ( inside joke )

I never give up hope - ever - I don't know how to live without hope.  But I am always pragmatic.  There is something to be said about self fulfilling prophecy though so I will keep that in mind.

I didn't post this for sympathy - I have felt it since starting transition 3 years ago, rather I want to always discuss the pros and cons of transition.  That's mostly why I am here.

Love to everybody. 

Keep eyes wide open Sis... between the social contacts you will be making through having time now to return to your group and... a new job with new people!!!...  possibilities are expanding in exponential manner!!! 🤗🙏💕

Kim, I am pretty much like you, I don't think that i will find another partner again, and will stay alone for the rest of my life.
Being lesbian does not make it easier, to find somebody who wants to share her life with me.  I missed the boat for a new relationship after my wife and I separated 16 years ago, but for the longest time after that I was not ready for a new relation, because I still loved my wife and did not want to betray this love.
I am told that I was a good looking guy, and I could have had other women, but I did not want to.  Shortly thereafter I started my transition, and now that I feel very much that I arrived, I am to old to attract many other people.
But I am a woman now, and I am happy about it.  I am very secure in my femininity, and any further bottom surgery is of cosmetic nature to me only.
The price I may have to pay for this happiness, is being alone, but over the years I got used to being alone.  Most cis women of my age are alone, because they lost their husbands.  I am just one of them!

Would I have done anything different, yes, if I would have had control over it, but I did not make the decision for transition, I occupied only the body it happened to.

Goddess, I hope this doesn't sound pedantic.

A psychologist named Erich Fromm once wrote a book called "The Art of Loving," in which he made the thesis that the need to love is greater than the need to be loved.

I am finding that to be true in my life. Don't laugh, but as my femininity emerges – after a literal lifetime of being repressed – I find that I am more myself when I assume traditional feminine roles. I work in a service industry, and I really enjoy helping people, giving to people. I don't see myself as a drudge; I see service as a joy. It's like letting positivity flow through me to the people I give to.

Compared to receiving, this is much more fulfilling. I've discovered – at least, I think I have – that one of my life-lessons is letting go of control, or, perhaps more accurately, the illusion of control. This may sound funny, but it turns out that releasing control seems to be one of the keys to releasing my femininity. Perhaps freedom in one part of my life is releasing freedom in another.

I know there are many ways to be a woman. I'm just glad this one is mine.

But it's an old adage that the best way to find love is to stop looking for it. I think that when we focus on other things, find joy in life being who we are, we become attractive and draw love to us. But that can't be the reason we do it, or it won't work. We must truly surrender, or it isn't real.

Another middle of the night post. Ugh.  Trying to flip to a day schedule.  New job starts early Wed morning.

Thanks for the input Ashley. Linde and Ann I thought all of you contributed good insights.  And yes Ashley my world of people is about to grow again significantly.  Also going back to my Sat nite trans group will be both fun and who knows what else?    I had a crush on one of the women in the group but she is into guys only.

One of the things I have noticed since transitioning is a big reduction in the 'need' to be with someone.  I always needed a significant other.  I was always longing to be loved romantically.  Since transitioning that need has abated.  I have some theories on why and I think there is a connection.

So now I am more interested in a relationship for the companionship and the intimacy.  Not so much for the sex but sure that works too LOL, but I mean intimacy such as cuddling, kissing, hand holding.  I miss the physical contact.

Can I live without those things and find fulfillment? Sure but I do miss them.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones: my wife is sticking with me through this whole adventure.  But I can definitely relate back to my old dysphoric male days when I thought I would never find love.  (I met my wife at age 44, and married her at age 49.)

After too many years alone, I realized that I would have to make changes in order to find someone.  I decided to get involved in group activities that I would enjoy, and not to seek out dates per se.  That put me in touch with people with whom I shared a common interest.  Worst case, I would be doing something fun.

If I were thrown back into the dating pool, I would follow the same strategy again.  It worked so well the first time around!

The winning activity in my case was a hiking club.  After a couple of years doing some really fun hikes with some neat people, one day, I noticed a cute new member on a hike to the top of this mountain:

(Don't worry, we didn't go straight up the cliff!)  The new member, though a beginner, was spunky, and successfully negotiated this stretch:

At the summit, I sat with her as we ate out lunches, and a relationship was born.  It will be 20 years this June, and we are still together (16 years married). 

There's a lot to be said for ensuring that a partner has "the right stuff" before getting into a relationship.

(Photos are not mine.)

Quote from: KimOct on March 11, 2019, 03:27:32 AM

So now I am more interested in a relationship for the companionship and the intimacy.  Not so much for the sex but sure that works too LOL, but I mean intimacy such as cuddling, kissing, hand holding.  I miss the physical contact.

Can I live without those things and find fulfillment? Sure but I do miss them.

This is exactly what I am missing, I call it skin contact.  I still don't have any libido, so sex is not even part of my thoughts, but being together with another human being, is what I miss. 
I have a lot of friends, all of them are cis women and widows, and none of them wants any relation anymore, they want to enjoy their freedom.  I have this freedom for 16 or so years now, I am getting sick and tired of it!
But I might as well settle with the idea of being a happy, but lonely woman for the rest of my life.