So, I've had a bit of an interesting experience this last weekend.

To set the stage a little, I was in a monogamous relationship from 2011 until this past January.  We split up, I moved out, got my own apartment and I'm living fine on my own.

One of the issues that lead to our break up was sex.  I guess the issues there started when we had three issues kinda come up around the same time.  His dysphoria got way worse and he could barely stand to be touched (he's F2M).  Also, we moved into a super crappy apartment around that time and there was no mood for any kind of romance in there.  Lastly, because of those issues and a few other issues, I really started letting myself go and I turned into the kind of slob that he wasn't attracted to anymore.

Fast forward to 2016.  We're out of that apartment, we moved to my hometown (a few hundred miles north), I have an amazing job with amazing benefits that could easily get insurance for both of us.  But I needed to lose weight or surgeons wouldn't touch me.  So I started hitting the gym HARD and went from 325lbs to around 245 over 6 months.  No, it's not exactly where I want to be (doctor says I need to get down to 220), but it's a big step in the right direction.

More than that, I'm really proud of my hard work and the transformation it's made on my body.  And that sexual desire that had basically disappeared?  Well, it's coming back now.  My new body feels so much better in so many ways and the desire to show off, to be touched sensually, to be desired, that's coming back strong, too.  But my ex wasn't into it.  Again, his dysphoria is bad and if I attempted to hug or cuddle him, he would recoil in discomfort.  That, combined with a few other unrelated issues led to us splitting up and me moving out.

So, I'm on my own, single, still wanting to experience sexuality with my new, better, healthier body and that's when I find a sex club here in town.  Technically, it's an ordinary bar but on Saturdays there's a sex club that basically takes over.  They have a big, fancy room next door with several beds, nice carpeting, bondage toys, lots of clean sheets and towels and it's just a really surprisingly nice, well kept room.  And, yeah, that's where people can go to have sex, have fun, stuff like that. 

So, this was the first time I EVER went to something like that.  I was a little nervous at first but after a drink or two, I really got into it.  And that's where the situation came up.  See, I had always told myself that before there's sexual contact with a guy, before there's kissing or touching below the waist, I tell him.  It's being honest to him and it's keeping me safe from a guy who might otherwise react with hostility. But last weekend..... that door went completely out the window.  A guy came over and he started touching me.  Well, he didn't reach for my genitals so I don't have any complaints.  I enjoyed it.  We started making out.  Well, I couldn't complain then because my mouth was full of his tongue.  And we kept going like that for a while until he told me he wanted to eat my pussy.  That was when I don't think I had a choice in telling him because there was a reason he wasn't going to be able to do that.

Fortunately, he didn't react with hostility.  He wasn't into it (I wasn't especially disappointed) but he was ok with it.  Well, it was a kink scene, so I'm probably safer there than I would be in a more vanilla environment, but it has had me thinking.  I had a rule I set: no kissing, no touching, not if he doesn't know.  It was so easy to keep that rule before; I was in a monogamous relationship from 2011 until just recently and before that, I looked like Eddie Izzard; coming out wasn't necessary because people all just knew.  Now, now it's an issue.  So, why couldn't I follow that rule?  What can I do to help myself follow the rule when I need to?  I don't plan on doing ALL my dating or hook-ups in the kink scene; what can I do to keep myself safe or how can I make myself tell guys before we do anything?

Past that, are guys justified about feeling hurt or upset if I don't tell them?  Is it being dishonest or deceptive to not let him know if sex is part of the plan?  What if it's not sex but just making out I'm after?  Is he obligated to know then?
Or should I hold to my standard and tell him when it comes up?  Or do I have the right to not tell?  If so and I get surgery (scheduled for November), does that mean I won't have to ever tell guys?  How do I protect myself from a guy who might react with violence when they find out?  Part of me has been kicking myself for not adhering to my own standards.

I'll say (my opinion) that you should be upfront at the very beginning. I mean right at the start of any kissing or body touches.

I know that there was a time in my history that if I was getting to like a girl and started kissing and doing body touching and I found out during, or in the heat of the moment, I would have really been pissed. So the moment that the kissing begins, tell the person what is ahead, in case it should go there.

Now, however I wouldn't mind and would keep going. 

I know this is a sensitive subject for many here, just a few days ago it came up in a different thread and I got push back for my opinion so I will try to be a little more thorough explaining my thoughts.

I am currently dealing with my lack of intimacy and the body dysphoria related to that.  As someone that often does not pass disclosure is not an issue for me.  I am opinionated regarding it but I also try to consider the other point of view.

Would I like to have the ability to be stealth - absolutely - I would be lying if I said otherwise.  In some ways I am glad I can't but that's a topic for another day.

Regarding disclosing to a partner or even potential partner I really think it is necessary.  Obviously our own safety is important but it is just a question of being fair to that person.  If your privacy is of paramount importance then that is fine but then don't let anything physical start if you are not willing to disclose.

I am not talking about telling everyone that you are trans.  Stealth is a choice and I can understand that choice but engaging in any level of sexual contact without the other person knowing to me is not fair to that person.  They have the right to make that decision themselves regardless of how short sighted, close minded or backward it may be.

This is my one topic that tends to piss off others in our community but I speak my mind on everything else so I want to be consistent.  The overall subject of being stealth is a different conversation and I think there is more room to make a case for choice but when it comes to a physical relationship I think it is only fair the other partner know before engaging in anything.

Quote from: TaraJo on March 11, 2019, 07:40:11 PM
Past that, are guys justified about feeling hurt or upset if I don't tell them?

To be honest, no they are not justified.  In an ideal world, it wouldn't matter.  But we don't live in an ideal world.

Quote
How do I protect myself from a guy who might react with violence when they find out?

Your only protection against violence is to tell them up front.  That is the reason for your self-imposed rule.  You tell them because you want to avoid violence.  Reminding yourself of the reason for the rule is the only way to make yourself follow it.

Of course, even telling them is no guarantee against violence.  Being in a public place when you do tell them helps minimize the risk.

Quote from: KimOct on March 12, 2019, 08:11:19 AM

...Stealth is a choice and I can understand that choice but engaging in any level of sexual contact without the other person knowing to me is not fair to that person.  They have the right to make that decision themselves regardless of how short sighted, close minded or backward it may be.

Amen.