hello disclaimer that there will be some sensitive material or talk of a sexual nature in this post. thankyou for anyone who takes the time to read this, its my first time reaching out to anyone for help with this and my brain is such a muddle i know this will be a messy ramble so please bear with me

my partner of 10 years told me a month ago that he believes he would be happier as a woman and identifies as bisexual, i say he because he is still identifying as male for the most part at the moment and i say believes because i dont think he is even sure. he keeps flip flopping between what he wants and what is easiest and if it is really worth it, he doesn't want to loose me or our 6yr old son and is worried he wont pass as a woman and will be bullied for it for the rest of his life as he has always been quite vain and cared a lot about what others think of him often worrying about the opinion of strangers over what the people he cares about tell him. however he has been dressing up at home when our son is asleep, talking to other trans people, created a female FB account and has gone to the doctors to get the ball rolling

i found out when one day about a month ago he said he would like to try dressing up as a woman again ( a few years ago he wanted to play dress up role reversal purely in the bedroom for about a week then it all stopped but he kept the stuff in a draw) i said that was fine and he dressed up for the night and we had some fun and i thought no more of it till the next day we were going out shopping and he was still wearing ladies underwear. i realised this wasn't a bedroom thing and was more than that and the next day i asked him "is this a fetish or are you transgender" and he told me he felt like he really was a woman and wanted to transition, i went up to the bedroom and cried for a while as i wasn't really expecting it and it was a shock. i started thinking about it as rationally as i could and came to the conclusion that i loved him unconditionally as long as he was still the same person regardless of what body he was in and although I'm not bisexual I'm more attracted to the personality then the look anyway so i went back down and told him this. i said i would do everything in my power to help and support him as long as his personality didn't change so much that he wasn't anything like himself any more and under the condition that we take it slow so i can adjust and he said this was fine and seemed really happy that he wouldn't loose me and that he could take steps to becoming a woman.

however the very next day he asked about the possibility of a threesome in the future because he had a fantasy of giving a man a ->-bleeped-<-, he even suggested him finding someone to experience it with to get it out of his system without me, he acted like i should accept that information as well as i did the information that he was transgender. i dont think he would have ever said anything like that to me before all of this as i am a tad overweight and quite insecure about how i look but he knew this and always used to try his best to make me feel like the only woman in the world for him. after that he started to talk about wanting to go out to a trans friendly night club to meet some people like him, he wanted to wear a short dress and a thong and didn't want me to come with him. all of this made me incredibly insecure and left me feeling like i could never fully please him and i wasn't what he wanted any more and as we are both geeky stay at home gamers the idea of him in a night club was totally alien to how i normally view him. i told him how i felt about a week in and although he seemed to understand why i was upset he seems to resent me now for telling him that if we were to stay together he had to be happy with only ever being with me sexually.

i should point out that he stated at the beginning  that he felt no dysphoria in regards to his penis and would like to still be able to use it after transitioning although he understands it will shrink and may not work but he said he still is attracted to me and women in general and the thought of our sex life in whatever form it takes

however from day 1 he stopped doing any of the things he used to do to show his attraction towards me, he would always grab my bum if i bent over or raise an eyebrow at a suggestive comment, i had a low libido so if i even hinted i was in the mood he would jump on me. now the only time he has got excited naturally is when he asks if i could use a vibrator (mine) on him (i dont mind doing this), we have had sex together a few times but it is always soon after me voicing my displeasure for our lack of intimacy and feels very forced on his behalf even with him asking "was that ok?" or "is that what you wanted?" after the act, he is clearly doing it to keep me happy rather than because he wants to and that is what is driving me mad. his sudden change of personality from dominant to submissive and complete lack of attraction to me are to much for me to bear coupled with the knowledge of his fantasies. i told him i like it when he grabs my bum because it makes me feel appreciated and affirms that he still wants me. he said he didn't want to do it any more as it wasn't something women did, i then reminded him that i have always grabbed his bum too and he just looked annoyed, all the things he says he doesn't like about himself because its not feminine are things i have or i do and it makes me fell like less of a woman and very unattractive in his eyes.

i am very aware that he is discovering who he is right now and i would understand the lack of libido if only i didn't know about his fantasies and the fact that he can want to play with toys and masturbate but want nothing to do with me in yet still say he is attracted to me as much as he was before
i dont know if his lack of desire for me and fantasies are something that just come with the initial figuring out who he is phase and will pass and if he is telling the truth when he says he is still attracted to me and still loves me or if he is staying with me because i am familiar and comforting and its easier but then he is going to transition and up and leave me for a man. i have told him this and he just gets angry at me for not trusting him. he says he understands my point of view but i feel like he barely listens to it because he will ask what he can do to make me happy then never do any of the things i have suggested even though i spend most my time these days doing things to make him happy like looking up info about transitioning, booking drs appts and going with him for support, waxing his legs, finding where to buy clothes and wigs etc, it feels like i am doing all the hard work supporting him and being understanding but getting nothing in return and its making me snap at him over little things that dont matter.

are we doomed or does this sound at all familiar to anyone who is still in a relationship with their mtf spouse? what would you do if you were me? any help appreciated and thankyou for anyone who took the time to read all of this ramble

@Emerald24 
Dear Emerald:
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and that you found the Susan's Place Forums.

    As you continue to post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

@Emerald24   
Oh, and another thing Emerald...
Please plan to write a post and tell us more about yourself in the Introductions Forum so that other members will be aware of your arrival... therefore you will be able to share your thoughts with more members here.
     
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will let yoou have this thread back so that the exchange of conversation, thoughts and questions can continue.
Other members here will certainly be along to give you their comments and suggestions that you may be seeking

Hi, Emerald, and welcome.

Almost anyone will tell you that when someone is considering whether or not they are transgender it is important to have a qualified gender therapist in the loop.

Welcome to Susan's Place. While you have provided a good deal of information, there are still a lot of unanswered questions. It is possible for a person not to feel dysphoria or at least not understand what they are feeling is dysphoria. Another possibility is that they could be non binary where they are a mix of both genders. If you look at our our WIKI you will see how varied our population can be.

In either case, I would suggest a visit to a gender therapist where your partners feelings can be explored and both of you can determine how your relationship will be redefined.

I, too would strongly recommend the help of a professional.  It is not all hat common that being trans is used as reason for sexual adventures.
Gender identity and sex are two pair of shoes.  For me, and that is my opinion, dressing up in a thong, and going in a miniskirt into a tans bar has almost the flair of a fetish.  Or the threesome desire, in my eyes it is also a fetish.

I definitely feel that professional help is required!

Good luck for the two of you!

thankyou all i must say i think i left out a lot about how he feels. I'm no expert of course but i know that although he says he feels no dysphoria regarding his genitals he does wish they were smaller, he is disgusted by his chest being flat, goes above and beyond to remove all his hair, his muscles make him sad, he takes pictures with a snapchat filter to try and make his chin appear shorter and has been growing his hair out. he has also always wanted to fill a more female stereotypical role, he wanted children and i didn't when we met, he is a stay at home dad and takes care of the house (with a part time cleaning job he recently started) his ambition is to start HRT and eventually if possible funds wise (or nhs if possible) to get FFS, breast augmentation and facial hair removal if he still feels he needs it after hrt for a few years.

i realise his need to talk to a specialist to determine if he is in fact transgender but i hope these details help as i realise i made it sound like this last month has purely been about sex and fetishes when we have spent a lot of time talking about getting married as wife and wife, changing his name, going clothes and makeup shopping together, how we will tell other people about all this etc. its been about 4 times over the last month that we have talked about anything sexual only twice done anything sexual regarding his newfound tastes as he is still unsure about what he likes and what makes  him feel uncomfortable, i guess its just my biggest issue as my biggest fear is loosing him

its not all been doom and gloom it was just that particular part of it i needed help with.
thankyou for all the kind replies

Hi Emerald, I'm a SO of an MTF whose world was turned upside down a couple of years ago. We are still working through things. He's been on hormones for 9 months, and has developed quite obvious breasts - like your husband, he hates the flat chest and body hair, but doesn't have genital dysphoria at all. However, he hasn't taken on any 'female roles' (although we've always shared household/child rearing roles anyway), doesn't intend to come out publicly and has no interest in changing his name or pronouns. I guess he's more gender fluid than 100% female.

Some of what you've mentioned does sound a bit fetishist - which I think is quite a common thing in the early days of figuring out what it is he actually is. I don't think it lasts - he is experimenting with his feelings and his sexuality. Like others have said, a good therapist should help with that. My partner (UK too) went to GenderGP privately, as to get into the NHS system takes around 2 years. They have therapists.

Feel free to PM me (but you have to have made a few more posts on the forums before you can).

Sending love
Syl

I don't want to bring anyone down. I read a lot in the original post that I didn't like. To me these things don't spring out of nowhere with transition, they've been there and transition gave leeway to let them out.

I have curiosities
I have fantasies
I have certain unexplored desires.

along with that

I am monogamous
I love my wife

I would never pursue exploration of alternatives at my wife's expense, I cannot even fathom it. To be clear, she did suggest that I probably should (more than once).  She is also monogamous, to investigate alternatives would mean that we'd be 'married friends only'. To ruin what we have is not an option for me.

I know that last line sounds odd considering that I dropped the T-bomb on her. One is about marital infidelity, the other is about who I am.

I know that this post isn't a lot of help in dealing with what you are facing. Truth is, I am as lost as you are in comprehending some of it.

Hey!   I'm a cis person that's the ex spouse of a trans (mtf) spouse. 

On the sex subject: My spouse didn't express a desire to experiment sexually with other partners, however, did buy a dildo that I was expected to use to perform anal on her.  She also began to lose interest in penetration (claiming she never liked certain positions anyways- let the gaslighting begin, as this was certainly untrue.)

I ended up divorcing her because I couldn't take the emotional abuse and the fact that her loyalties to her sibling (the 'other person' emotionally, even if not physically) were stronger than to me.  It's a long story and is probably lurking in various places up here.  If not, find me on discord or pm me. 

I will say that a lot of what you are saying sounds like the I WANT IT NOW!! ME ME ME! That I experienced when my ex came out to me.  (If you talk to some of the trans folk on here, they sound like they were absolute angels with their spouses by comparison to mine.) 

What I would say you should remember: (and more can follow if you need.)
1. You are allowed to have feelings and respect too.  Feeling devastated/ widowed by this process is NORMAL.  I ended up divorced, but my understanding is that even the still married folks have a grieving period.  You will likely even be able to pinpoint the stages of grieving if you look for them.  If this helps any. 

2. The marriages that survive happily seem to feature a trans spouse that orients their transition on some level to accommodate their cis spouse.  That doesn't mean your spouse changes their body to accommodate you necessarily (remember, some trans folk are literally willing to die for this, and for all, it is a NEED), it just means they take your feelings into account in some fashion(something worked out with a therapist's help I suppose?  Never reached this point with my spouse because it was her way or the highway in too many other areas of our lives.) My guess is what form this takes will really vary. 

3. Warning! I have encountered, and have read stories of other cis spouses where the therapist is decidedly not empathetic to our feelings.  This is awful, given that even under the very best of marital conditions, this would be a serious adjustment to make.  I bluntly explained this to two different therapists and got agreement, that it can be difficult to find a therapist that understands the process of transition and the emotions involved (necessary, even for you), while still being empathetic to the cis spouse that just got hit by an emotional bus.  With my current therapist, I explained the situation and bluntly asked if he would feel comfortable/ could empathize with a cis spouse. 

4. Sexuality: remember: Your sex life shouldn't feature suffering.  There is a difference between  creativity/compromise to keep each other happy, and spending a lifetime feeling miserable and dissatisfied.  While I don't have data on this- I disagree with the notion that if you love your spouse enough, you sexuality will conform to their new body. 

5. There are plenty of marriages that survive this process.  Must go for now.  Feel free to PM me. 

Emerald, welcome to Susans. I have been thinking about since last night what I was going to share with and tell you.  Despite knowing that my spouse was likely trans before we got married I still wasn't prepared when they came out as genderfluid to me. I can relate to many of your concerns especially since early on I was concerned by where the fast changes were going to lead them. If I wanted them to stop, then they would have however I wanted them to be happy so they could express themselves as they need too. I was definitely concerned though that their transition would take them away from me. Like with your spouse, my spouse has requested changes in the bedroom too. It's true that to a degree some of this was present before, now they are wanting to take that to an even new level. As Faith mentioned, this could be due to that they couldn't feel free to express or experiment with certain things before. My spouse hasn't asked for a threesome or anything like that lucky, however ithey are bi in the fist place. The fact is you need to look out for you first. You can't help if you haven't take care of yourself.

I know how mentally draining it is because it really took me time to get used to how they presenting and living now. I suppose I have gotten used to my spouse presenting female basically all the time.  Secondly, you need to set boundaries to allow your self mentally to be able to cope. I know for me that allowed me the time and space I needed to be able handle all the changes that were going on. There is no doubt you will see them try things at they try to figure what they need, however you need to take care of your needs to and make those needs known.

My spouse and I lucky have grown closer together than we were before instead of far apart. I can only hope yours does eventually. It's has been a lot of work though for that to happen. Some of that is give and take and allowing them to explore themselves. I was concerned they would lose interest in me as a result and they have been more interested in me since their transition. My spouse. like yours, didn't have any dysphoria in regards to their penis and mine is keeping  theirs.

In closing, you need to take care of yourself first and please yourself because trying to do otherwise is clearly not working and leaving you not happy at all. I can only hope things change for both of you and they grows closer to you eventually, however it sounds like the exact opposite is happening right now for you. You need to mentally prepare for that fact in case it happens, but I do hope they move closer to you eventually instead of further apart.

Quote from: Emerald24 on March 10, 2019, 09:11:23 PM
thankyou for anyone who takes the time to read this, its my first time reaching out to anyone for help with this and my brain is such a muddle i know this will be a messy ramble so please bear with me

Thanks Emerald for unmuddling your brain here. Many people read the posts here who are living through stories like yours, but keep their muddle to themselves. You are at the beginning of a journey that many readers can relate to and learn from.

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my partner of 10 years told me a month ago that he believes he would be happier as a woman

When my partner told me that he was trans, we explored together what that meant, other people's stories, resources, etc. I don't recall ever feeling like our partnership was threatened by his/her gender status, but my memory might be selective. Like you, I was more interested in continuing loving my partner than trying to find someone better for me.

I always felt securely loved, never threatened by the news, or afraid of the impending changes. My only fear was that more secrets might come to light.

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and identifies as bisexual, i say he because he is still identifying as male for the most part at the moment and i say believes because i dont think he is even sure. he keeps flip flopping between what he wants and what is easiest and if it is really worth it,

My partner continued to present as a male in public until one year after she retired. Not because she wasn't sure; she knew that her gender identity was Female since she was 4 years old. She felt overwhelming pressure to be a man, and she did her best to be one in public. She wanted to transition, but knew that it was too hard. But when she was retired for an entire year, suddenly she felt free to start expressing her true self publicly, and we're in the early stages of that now.

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he doesn't want to loose me or our 6yr old son and is worried he wont pass as a woman and will be bullied for it for the rest of his life as he has always been quite vain and cared a lot about what others think of him often worrying about the opinion of strangers over what the people he cares about tell him.

You represent your partner's thoughts and feelings well. You clearly understand the ambivalence and fear that he's feeling.

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however he has been dressing up at home when our son is asleep, talking to other trans people, created a female FB account and has gone to the doctors to get the ball rolling

I notice and appreciate the closeness between you two as you are aware of his efforts to sort out who he is and what to do about it.

Quote
... he told me he felt like he really was a woman and wanted to transition, i went up to the bedroom and cried for a while as i wasn't really expecting it and it was a shock. i started thinking about it as rationally as i could and came to the conclusion that i loved him unconditionally as long as he was still the same person regardless of what body he was in and although I'm not bisexual I'm more attracted to the personality then the look anyway so i went back down and told him this. i said i would do everything in my power to help and support him as long as his personality didn't change so much that he wasn't anything like himself any more and under the condition that we take it slow so i can adjust and he said this was fine and seemed really happy that he wouldn't loose me and that he could take steps to becoming a woman.

Such a moving story! You are clearly attached to your partner. I thoroughly understand the part about being more attracted to the person than the body; the person is more important than the gender for me, too. Your pledge of support must have been so reassuring to him! Such a relief for you, too, to figure out what was important to you, and find a way to accommodate the news.

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however the very next day he asked about the possibility of a threesome in the future ... he seems to resent me now for telling him that if we were to stay together he had to be happy with only ever being with me sexually.

This part is over my head. What a challenge! What difficult feelings to sort out! You did great telling him what your limits are! He will have to decide whether to honestly honor your limit, shamelessly test it, accidentally cross it and regret that, deliberately disregard it...and only time will reveal what he will do. Such a difficult time for you. How can you divert your attention from worrying and feeling insecure, to focusing on your options and feeling strong?

Quote
... from day 1 he stopped doing any of the things he used to do to show his attraction towards me ... we have had sex together a few times but it is always soon after me voicing my displeasure for our lack of intimacy and feels very forced on his behalf even with him asking "was that ok?" or "is that what you wanted?" after the act, he is clearly doing it to keep me happy rather than because he wants to and that is what is driving me mad... all the things he says he doesn't like about himself because its not feminine are things i have or i do and it makes me fell like less of a woman and very unattractive in his eyes...

Such a confusing time for you! If only you could actually get inside his head and see for sure what's going on! If only you could see into the future to find out how this will all work out! It will work out, you know, somehow, and perhaps in a way that you can't imagine, no matter how wild your imagination might get.

I hear you saying that his commitment to you and your monogamous relationship is very valuable to you, and you have a tendency to need a lot of reassurance. Own that. Feel proud of that. Make sure he knows that and remembers that.

I understand that most couples split during the early stages of transition as they find that they have different goals and targets and hopes and values. I am familiar with stories of women who ended the marriage because they want to continue the relationship that they thought they had. I haven't heard any stories about trans women leaving their miserable wives no matter how demanding or criticizing they became. A few marriages survive, like mine, and I'm working on identifying the distinguishing characteristics of marriages like mine. Any thoughts?

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... he will ask what he can do to make me happy then never do any of the things i have suggested

This makes me feel concerned. I am getting the idea that he was super attentive and eager to please, but now he is transitioning into a person who is inconsiderate? Is that right?

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even though i spend most my time these days doing things to make him happy like looking up info about transitioning, booking drs appts and going with him for support, waxing his legs, finding where to buy clothes and wigs etc,

Aren't those great fun times?

Quote
it feels like i am doing all the hard work supporting him and being understanding but getting nothing in return and its making me snap at him over little things that dont matter.

are we doomed or does this sound at all familiar to anyone who is still in a relationship with their mtf spouse? what would you do if you were me? any help appreciated and thankyou for anyone who took the time to read all of this ramble

I value most of my experience with counselors and therapists. So, I echo the advice:
Find a counselor!
You both could benefit from professional support. You might find one who will help the two of you stay together by giving you homework assignments that make all the difference, and you might find one who says you are doomed. You might find one who is perfect for you, and your partner might never find "the right one", or vice versa. All sorts of possibilities. All sorts of things to worry over.

In the meantime, your son is certainly aware of the tension, and needs a lot of reassurance now. Give him lots of special attention to distract yourself from wondering how this will all turn out. Give your worrying mind a break often by focusing on your precious son and his concerns.

thankyou for all the kind replies. to update for anyone else who comes here looking for answers to their own problems and for anyone wondering what has happened.

we seem to be in a better place. he seems decided now that he is a woman. we bought a couples toy and have had much laughs and fun trying it in the bedroom and just that seems to have made him happy with our sex life as he has gone back to doing all the things he did before, less so but i understand, however he no longer seems to be trying to please me at the expense of his own pleasure and we are back to enjoying each other in new and old ways.
he has stopped talking to other trans people on Facebook as the group he found was very opinionated and one member even messaged him warning him not to transition and telling him i would leave him for a man! very suspicious and weird. i think a lot of his fears and outbursts have been coming from there and what people have been saying to him unbeknownst to me. he decided we could go out together to trans friendly places in the future and meet others face to face however he did make a few friends he still messages and they seem nice.
we are waiting on advice from the doctor after the first appt as the doctor didn't really know what to do, we will try the nhs route however i have been looking into things like gendergp shared care etc and although we may struggle to afford it i have started saving for him. he seems happy at the moment to take it slow and try new things gradually.
he doesn't dress up as much but is growing his hair out and had his chest waxed professionally and that has made him happier.
overall the first few weeks were a storm of trying to understand each other and work around our feelings and going way to fast but now we are going along at a slow pace, waiting to see what happens with medical help whilst occasionally trying something new, we both play games together a lot and he has started playing as female characters and that is fun and helps him a lot.
to everyone who has suggested counselling i said that too but he is wary of it, he had it in the past although for unrelated reasons and ended up walking out after 1 visit as they were very rude to him acting like his problems were stupid and making out they couldn't help. i am hoping i can find someone but we cant afford private and you cant be picky with the nhs if you can even get one so we will have to see.

either way things seem to be looking up for us so fingers crossed and wish us luck. i will try to post an update every now and then to help any spouses who are in my position in the future

I've been away from Susan's for a while, but it's great to see your progress. You sound so much more peaceful!  Please keep us posted, both so we can continue along with your journey, and so silent readers can be inspired.

Wishing you well,
Grace

thankyou moonflower. it was my birthday on the 2nd and i got some new nail polish so i painted his toe nails
things have been going ok, he has on a few occasions decided to pack it all in and go back to just being a man but its never lasted long, i think sometimes he sees the road ahead and is scared to travel it and i understand why although i do wish he wouldn't for his sanity and my own.

i don't know how we are going to get any medical help and i have convinced him to be prepared for years of wait and eventually getting to the GIC rather than hoping for shared care with a private doctor as every time i look into it, it gets less and less likely. the dr we went to originally who said he would get back to us never did so we need to make another appt and see what is going on and if he has even made a GIC referral but given the lack of haste or apparent care i dont believe we will be able to convince him to help us with shared care for a private dr. i really dont know what route to go down as there is no GIC near us and we dont drive and i have heard awful things about the GIC and NHS care like them requiring you to prove you are trans by changing your name by deed poll and living as your gender for so long before they will even consider hormones and i cant see him being able to come out to his workplace and colleagues etc without having at least started towards his transition. i worry a lot about this because i know hrt isn't just about making you look a certain way it also makes you feel more like yourself and i'm sad that he will have to do really tough stuff like come out to his work and friends and everyone before he can get hrt to make him feel better. we were hoping for shared care between gender gp and out doctor where the nhs would do the blood tests and maybe even prescribe but gender gp would do the rest. seems like our only option as gender gp offer skype and phone sessions and neither of us drive and given our work hours and childcare responsibility we dont have the time or money for him to take several hours long public transport trips to clinics and back but it also seems out of our grasp as i know dr webbley has been in trouble recently for prescribing to under 18's and that will make it so much harder to convince our doctor to help with going with gender gp. if anyone has any stories to tell or advice to give on getting to the hrt stage in England that would be amazing

Hi Emerald, my partner is with Gender GP. He doesn't go there, all his consultations are by phone or email. He has his blood tests at the local GP, who is a middle aged Indian GP, who definitely doesn't approve! But he does the bloods, which get sent to Gender GP. I don't think a doctor can refuse to do the blood tests/shared care....The oestrogen patches come in the post, so no need for prescriptions or chemists. It seems to work ok. I don't even think he's on the list for GIC.

Good luck
Syl

that's really nice to hear because that's all we want really just for the nhs to do the blood tests i might make him another appt with the same gp and bring it up because honestly our gp is really nice and quite young and open minded but he is unsure about how to treat a transgender patient so maybe the idea that all he has to do is blood tests would be ok for him

I think it's awesome the way you are supporting your husband.  I am MTF and my wife supports me.  It has not been easy on her as it was not something she was expecting or looking for/ wanting.   She has had trouble envisioning our marriage and what it will look like as time moves on and more changes become obvious. 

I read somewhere (maybe even here) a few years ago that having a transgender spouse is like raising a teenager all over again.  They will be awkward, unsure and experimenting with things.  Maybe even throw a tantrum when you veto an outfit. Clothes, makeup, hair and more will be outrageous, gaudy, inappropriate even as your spouse tries to feel out and learn what works for them....really they have to figure how much those things either define themselves or if these things are just secondary. 

I went through some stages where my wife was "you sure you want to wear that out!?" Or something like that.  It's kinda funny to reflect back on now but it was a little bit of a tug of war at the time with me trying to assert that side of myself and her trying to keep me from going too far and making a damn fool of myself.  Every once in a while she might call my attention to something I am wearing or planning to wear and give me some guidance.

Welcome to this forum.  This is a great place to ask and answer questions that we all have.  The folk here are pretty open and friendly.  Do not be afraid to ask or share things as you two go through this experience together.

With regards to the intimacy.  I can relate.  Our time together is still awesome but it seems both of us have sort of slowed down on the frequency of desiring that time.  Sometimes it is just all the things going on in life that get in the way, bad timing, maybe one of us isn't quite feeling well.  What works for me personally is two things.  One, I envision us as lesbians and that kinda ramps up the play/fun pretty well, especially if we have girl/girl porn on. I let her pick what she wants on and just go,with it.  The other thing is sometimes I like to try and pretend I am her, I know sounds weird.  Try to imagine what it feels like for her, how,each thing I or she does feels from her perspective.  When we actually have sex I sometimes try to mentally swap places with her and that is a turn on.  I picture myself as her and her as me.  I am not especially interested in being with a man but that mental flip flop does get me going and the payoff is that I have become much more perceptive as to what really gets her excited so now I can please her with greater certainty and skill and that in and of itself is a huge ego boost and a very good incentive to want more play time.


I think the lack of attention is that teenager stage I was speaking about earlier where much of their waking thought is on themselves and figuring out their issue.  There are many times my wife will comment that I am being quiet or that I seem withdrawn.  I admit this is a challenging issue that does demand a lot of my attention and I do kinda escape into myself in an egocentric sort of way.  I mean every day I am thinking, can this go any slower! I am constantly unhappy with how I look and the fact that I have to play a masculine role at work and with most my family.  I am always fussing about my transition worrying about if I will ever really loom passable.  Those things are on my mind constantly and when she asks "what's on your mind" I say nothing.  I have shared my unhappiness with myself and my apprehensions about my future many times.   I just do t see the value in articulating those thoughts to her twenty times a day as its not going to get better any time soon.

I would Reccommend counseling.  Couples counseling.  Something that acknowledges his dysphoria but does not focus on it.  Need to focus on communication.  Focus on talking about expectations, feelings, desires.


The threesome thing or the notion that hooking up with a guy will get it out of his system is unfortunate and a bit selfish.  I struggled with my identity, my role, my gender and my orientation. For quite some time.  I am fortunate to have tried hooking up with guys a few times prior to my relationship with my wife.  I discovered that I am definitely not into guys at all.  In some instances it's a cool fantasy but reality is quite different, awkward for me and in all instances very unrewarding.  I'm glad I know.  I am sad he waited until after marriage to try and find out.   It places all sorts of strain and uncertainty on you and that is not really fair at all.  I understand he has this need but the incidence of outside relationships really places a lot of extra strain on a relationship.

What I am about to say will probably suck badly, so I will apologize upfront.  I am expressing my view of reality and the disclaimer is that I didn't create it. I'm just going to take a stab at describing it.  I hate, hate, hate the idea as it goes against what I believe in but:

Probably should let him try out the guy thing.  Before you do, give it a lot of thought and be sure how you feel about it.  Best case, he decides he does not like it and then his focus returns on you and your relationship.  Worst case, he decides that is what he wants and goes.  If that is how he envisions himself, his needs and his life then you really cannot change it.  That's going to bite badly if that is the reality.  It would be best and most loving to cut him loose if that is the case.  Let him move on and be happy as trying to force the marriage to last will be exceptionally painful for the both of you.  There is the odd chance of a compromise.  You will find couples that have found a way to make things work.  They are inventive and make their own rules.

One such couple I read about had the understanding that the husband would dress up, go out and hook up with a guy once a month and they found they could live with that.  If you search you will find other examples. 



I have to remind myself that women are generally more nurturing, caring and talkative, they share and if I am to be anything on the gender scale that encompasses some aspect of feminine then I need to embrace those things as well.

Best regards,

Bea

This post keeps weighing on my mind.  I have probably edited my original answer several times as I keep thinking on the subject as it is keenly personal to me as well albeit from the other perspective.  He is damn lucky to have you just as I feel quite fortunate my wife has stuck it out.

Is your husband on this site? Does he read/research anything on the subject of relationship issues that transisition creates?

I want to thank you as your heartfelt post has caused me to reflect on my relationship and recommit to making an extra,effort to show my appreciation to my wife.  It is my
Thought and hope that he may experience an awakening if he reads posts similar to yours (not yours specifically) and is maybe made more aware. 

Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going.

Bea

no he is not on this site. a while ago it all got too much for him, we were falling out a lot and he told me he was going to stay a man, a few days later he asked if it was ok if he continued becoming a woman but said he was worried it was what was making us fall out so much so i sat him down and told him why we had been falling out from my point of view i explained all the things he had done and said that had upset me in that first post and exactly why i was upset and he understood, he agreed to continue as just us and to not talk to me about his desires for men, he also assured me that he is still very much attracted to women and has shown that on many occasions since. i really couldn't let him go try out being with a man, the idea of him in bed with anyone but me makes me feel distraught and i know even if he decided it wasn't for him i could never trust him again if he did it as i would always feel as if i were not good enough and he was after something more. i explained that if his desire for men would be something that would cause him to hold resentment for me or if he saw himself needing it so much he would want to bring up doing it again in the future then he needed to leave me as i wasnt happy staying with someone who didn't consider me to be enough for them. i did tell him i was more than happy to do any kind of thing he wanted to try in the bedroom with me and i would do all i could to help explore his desires in the way we can both enjoy, we bought some toys that allow me to penetrate him and its very much like 2 lesbians with a double ender works wonders for both of us and i think helps me fulfil some of his fantasies.