Hi!
I have yo-yo'd with my gender dysphoria for some time now while living as a male. Last December was kind of a breaking point for me. About week and a half before Xmas, my job decided to tell me they were transferring me to a new hospital, new department, new schedule, 40 minutes further into NYC (Already drive 45-55 minutes now). I broke the news to my managers the same day and was lucky to have support from them and several doctors who protested the move. HR was pressured to stop the transfer and was told I'm staying. The following week my father had a heart attack on the train ride home and literally only survived because an EMT worker and Resident Doctor were taking the same train to go to work. I think all these shocks to my system kind of planted the seed of what am I doing with my life? What if I or someone I loved passed away tomorrow feeling unhappy with myself on a daily basis and never telling them how I feel?
Earliest memory I have regarding these feelings was when I was 4 years old, laying in my parents bed to go to sleep because my older brother was doing homework in our room. I turned to my moms side table drawer that had all of her socks in it. I saw a sparkly stocking and for whatever reason I HAD to try it on. I put it on and quickly hid my leg under the blanket and it felt so nice. But growing up with Irish/Italian parents and a brother that was 5 years older then me, I was scared of the torment, hatred, anger I assumed I would face and quickly took it off and never told anyone.
Every birthday after that, I would always wish that I would wake up as a girl the next day. (It never seemed to work darn it) I went to Catholic school and remembered seeing all my classmates in their skirts and pantyhose and being so jealous to the point I'd stare and just daydream about myself in their uniform.
Fast forward further through the awkward attempts to put on my mothers clothing and shoes when no one was home, putting on nail polish and struggling to get it off before someone came home, forgetting to put a pair of stockings on my floor back into my moms drawer. I was kind of a late bloomer and had wicked acne during high school. I loved anime and drawing which helped me get through 4 years of an all boy High school. Most of my friends were all solely girls as a hobby and trying to score with them. I was definitely also attracted to girls but I kind of just wanted the bond more, having someone that genuinely wanted to be with me.
After graduating and going to college, i met my first and only girlfriend. Seven years later we got married. 2 years after that we had our first son, and 3 years after that we had our second son.
My pent up dysphoria pushed me to the point that I told my wife I had a kink, I liked cross dressing and it made me horny. She was shocked at first but wasn't surprised because of several drunken encounters and some halloweens were I dressed up as a woman. It seemed to make me feel better temporarily but I began to see discomfort in my wife's eyes. There would be several times I asked if I could dress up for sex and she would say no (buzzkill). I stopped doing it and went back into hiding soon after.
Now here I am today. I started seeing a therapist in January this year (thanks to wonderful stories I've read on her and looking up so many wonderful MTF transition photos). I started dieting and feeling so much better about myself. I came out to my wife recently that I am transgender (about 3 weeks ago). Since then I cry on a regular basis and struggle to maintain a healthy relationship with my wife while trying to be the best parent for my two babies and be a competent nurse at work. I'm not sure if my marriage is going to survive and I'm not sure I can be truly happy not seeing my kids everyday. That is my story.
I am Sabrina, thanks for having me and hearing me out! <3 ^_^
