Steph, what a great re-visit. I'm not sure why you were surprised to be instantly recognized, you are pretty memorable. At least they didn't wait for you to bare your chest before exclaiming

Quote from: Faith on March 05, 2019, 05:43:02 AM
well, thank you for that. If that's the case, I'd prefer silent appreciation. The whistle creeped me out. I was very uneasy until I made it around the next corner.

As for you being called beautiful. You don't give yourself enough credit. Stop looking into your own mirror, let others decide for you. Yes, I know, everyone tells me the same thing. If I have to listen to you and them, you have to listen to me .. so there.

Finally doing some catchup (no, @Laurie, not the savory tomato-based relish you despise so much!).

Okay, Faith, I listened to you. I think I have actually gotten to the point that I accept what others say, despite those days when the mirror isn't my friend. When that happens I put on my best face and go out into the world, letting stranger's faces be the mirrors that reflect my smiles. It works every time, and always elevates my mood. It's gotten to the point where I crave human interaction, even if it's in the grocery aisles at Walmart.

Now... I'm rubber and you're glue!
"Stop looking into your own mirror,
let others decide for you."

The ball is in your court. You've got this, girl!

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 20, 2019, 11:06:09 AM
Finally doing some catchup (no, @Laurie, not the savory tomato-based relish you despise so much!).

Okay, Faith, I listened to you. I think I have actually gotten to the point that I accept what others say, despite those days when the mirror isn't my friend. When that happens I put on my best face and go out into the world, letting stranger's faces be the mirrors that reflect my smiles. It works every time, and always elevates my mood. It's gotten to the point where I crave human interaction, even if it's in the grocery aisles at Walmart.

Now... I'm rubber and you're glue!
"Stop looking into your own mirror,
let others decide for you."

The ball is in your court. You've got this, girl!

Stephanie

I don't play ball, I will this time. I accept the challenge. I honestly have been getting better at it  .. as long as I don't look for myself   I cannot help myself, I smile at people. It just pops on there without thinking about it. Now, if I could just to that to a camera!!

In recent weeks I've been bouncing around Susan's , sticking my nose into other threads and making inane comments, but I haven't done anything here to document my own life, for what that's worth. So, if for no other reason than to supplement my own poor memory, here's an update. So much has happened!

March 1, Meeting with a Susan's Friend

Friday was another HNT day, and after my electrocutioner gave up at 2.5 hours (her back was hurting), I drove back to Tarpon Springs to meet up with our friend @Denise! We had a great conversation and she is looking so good! @SassyCassie and I will be seeing her again in August, when we go to Chicago.



It was a beautiful day in Tarpon Springs, and Denise got a shot of me with the boatload of paparazzi hoping to catch pictures of us.



March 2nd, Bike Ride with Aerial Photography

On Saturday @SassyCassie and I went for a 24 mile bicycle ride, with the added fun of using a drone for aerial shots of us pedaling away. Cassie is a real pro with the drone!


Ready to Ride!


Besties, Taking a Break.


Aerial View!

March 3rd, Working with My Bestie in the Shop

Cassie came to my shop on Sunday to help me with my latest project, the plane I wrote about that my friend had bought and who had hired me to finish rebuilding it for him.
She was so much help and we had fun working and cooking out in the hangar. No pics other than the project itself.



We also had more fun with the drone. I did some flying myself, though my feet were on the ground.



March 5th, More Work on the Project

The owner of the plane came over and helped clean the cloth in preparation for painting. I got one of the wings up on the rotisserie in the paint booth.



March 5th, Trivia

Another trivia night, and this time we won first place! Besides getting our picture taken and earning bragging rights, we won a $40 gift certificate and a slot in the "Trivia Super Bowl" tournament of champions coming up on March 24th.

I'm not sure why, but the light in the ladies restroom at the restaurant is perfect for photos.



March 7th, Bunco!

Another all-ladies Bunco night at my house. This time I made a batch of dark chocolate chip cookies to share. I tried an experiment, too: for the last batch of cookies I mixed in instant coffee. I couldn't really taste the coffee, but it really enhanced the flavor of the chocolate. I claim that as one of Stephanie's Savory Specialities!



March 9th, Working on an Old Friend

I was hired to drive 100 miles north and work on the plane that I'd built back in 2003, by the guy who now owns her. She was the nicest thing I'd ever built to that point, and won many awards at the Sun-N-Fun airshow, culminating with Grand Champion Lightplane in 2009. It was good to see her again, though a bit sad to see how she'd aged, and it brought back many memories. Some were good, involving the fun we had flying together; others not so good, as I was reminded of the noise in my head back then as I struggled with dysphoria. @SassyCassie went with me and was a huge help. We make a great team!



We got an AirBNB room to stay in that night, because the next day...

March 10th, Visiting with Dear Friends

We visited with friends L and G. L is my heroine, who builds the most beautiful planes you've ever seen. She was the second person I came out to, and has been awesome, to the point that she donated a bunch of her clothes to my wardrobe (I wrote about that trip to Kentucky about a year ago). We had a wonderful breakfast together, then went to their hangar home, and flew her plane (which is the same model as the last one I'd built). It felt so good to get some air time, and L agrees with me that Cassie is going to make a wonderful pilot!



March 11th, Another Bicycle Ride, and Talking with Bankers

I needed to get downtown to talk to the local bank about getting my name changed on the account for the flying club I'm president of. It's four miles into town, so instead of driving, I put on my riding duds and pedaled there. On the way I saw a sign I couldn't resist getting a picture in front of.



The bank manager welcomed me in, and said, "Watch your step, ma'am," as I went down the two steps into his office. He asked what he could do for me and I just laid it out. "I need to get the name changed on the account, and, well, this is awkward, but..." as I handed him the card with my old name on it. I think he got a little pink, but was completely professional and friendly as we worked through the details. He called me ma'am again as I left, so it seems that first impressions are lasting impressions.

March 13th, Therapist Appointment

I had lunch with Cassie, then went to my monthly therapist appointment. By the end of the session, we both agreed that things were going so well that there was no need to come back every four weeks. We set the next appointment for six weeks out, with the thought that if things are still going so well, we might switch to on-demand sessions.

March 14th, Working in the Shop

Time to get more work done, with a new uniform to stay cool!



March 15th-17th, Visiting with Friends and Another Compass Rose

Friday and Saturday night Cassie and I stayed with dear friends who live across the street from my old home about 50 miles away. D is the friend for whom I'd built the white plane you've seen before here, and his wife E is awesome. Their home radiates love, and it was such an enjoyable visit.

On Saturday we met up with multiple chapters of the Ninety-Nines, the international women pilots organization, to paint another compass rose on the Sun-N-Fun campus, now only a few weeks before the big week-long airshow and pilots gathering. We were welcomed in and had a wonderful time meeting the other ladies who had such cool stories to tell. Cassie brought the drone and was a hit and the center of attention as she got aerial shots of the project. Here it is in all it's glory, with some of us posing with it. I'm SE and Cassie is ESE.



March 19th, Visiting with the Mother Ship, and Trivia

Despite the continuous deadnaming and misgendering by my Mom's husband (all accidental but never-ending), I had a nice visit with them. Trivia wasn't so nice - we didn't do too well, but it was fun anyway as I'm accepted as just another member. Some even appreciated my off-the-wall sense of humor.



Cassie says that since my FFS my Mom and I have matching noses. Darned if she isn't right!

Well, there ya go, pretty much up to date. I spent the morning typing this up and now it's time to get back into the shop. The cooler weather is conducive to actually getting some work done.


Stephanie

double-post in case we missed it the first time?  HAH!!  That was a lot of catching up to do, I only read it once though

Quote from: Faith on March 20, 2019, 01:04:42 PM
double-post in case we missed it the first time?  HAH!!  That was a lot of catching up to do, I only read it once though

Strange. I don't know how that happened, but one is gone now!

Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 20, 2019, 01:09:17 PM
Strange. I don't know how that happened, but one is gone now!

I had actually included this in my earlier update, but decided that it would be better in its own entry...

March 18th, Purge

I was finally forced to face a decision I'd been thinking about but deferring for a while. My Facebook page had very few entries from when I first set it up in 2009. Then in October 2017 I posted my coming out manifesto, and starting including posts about my transition.

Now I'm a member of multiple women-only groups, and while I know one of them is transwoman friendly, I don't know about the others, and frankly, I'd rather they not know. It's very possible that sooner or later word is going to get around about my past, but if I can do as @Alaskan Danielle has done and stay stealth long enough for people to get to know this happy woman, the better chance I'll have of continuing my joyful relationships even after that point.

The problem? I'm getting Facebook Friend request from the ladies I've recently met. My choices were to either ignore the requests, which seems rude, accept them and have my past immediately revealed, or do something about the posts that out me.

I sat down late Monday evening and began purging.

There's an option to keep the posts, but hide them from the Timeline, so I went through every post and started hiding. It became very emotional as it seemed that I was erasing my past, hiding post after post of joyful, sad, or simply informational posts about my life. A few of them had me sobbing as I hid them away, despite the knowledge that I could get them back if I wanted. When I was done my feed was a sanitized timeline of Stephanie just living life, and anyone reading it would just see a semi-retired woman who likes airplanes and has some unusual skills for a lady.

Once done, I started accepting Friend requests. It feels so good to be making so many ciswoman friends who only know me as Stephanie. While it's an awesome feeling to be seen as my true self, it's still a bit sad to bury so much of the experiences that have made me who I am.

No purge is ever easy, but I guess it's time to move on.


Stephanie

That March update was perhaps the single best update I have ever seen in my (short) time here on Susan's.

It was REALLY fun to read, and especially so because of the pictures.

Thanks for sharing!!!

Kate

Quote from: KatieP on March 20, 2019, 04:43:21 PM
That March update was perhaps the single best update I have ever seen in my (short) time here on Susan's.

It was REALLY fun to read, and especially so because of the pictures.

Thanks for sharing!!!

Thank you, Kate! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Just life mostly-post-transition!

Stephanie

Well I hope "Fed by Purina" is not literal for you, chickie   That was a fun update, thanks.

Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Quote from: RandyL on March 20, 2019, 05:53:09 PM
Well I hope "Fed by Purina" is not literal for you, chickie   That was a fun update, thanks.

It's okay, Randy. They pay well. It ain't chicken feed!

Wow! I've missed a lot of your thread Stephanie. I have a bit of catching up to do. It looks you have your work cut out for you on that new plane project. At least most of it looks built?

Hugs.

Ladies Lunch

In some of my earlier scribblings I may have mentioned a local lady - let's call her P - who I've known for a long time and who has a terrible habit of accidentally misgendering me at group functions. So, though she's nice, it was kind of a relief to hear that she was going to move away.

Then I got an invitation. She was asking all of her lady friends to join her for a going away luncheon last Friday.

I was the first guest there and sat with her. I'd brought her a card, and in it wrote:

Big changes are hard,
But the good ones are always worth it.

She thanked me, and I whispered in her ear, "I have experience with big changes." We shared a secret smile.

There were about 10 ladies there, and all but one knew my story. (The one who'd never met "him" was the one who, when she'd found out I worked on airplanes, exclaimed, "You go, girl!") Yet there wasn't a single incidence  of misgendering for the entire meal.

After the meal about seven of us sat around and talked about anything and everything, and despite my constant under-the-surface problem with latent imposter syndrome, it just felt so right.

I had never felt that way with a group of men; in fact, I'd always felt uncomfortable and out of place around them. So many of them take for granted the unstated misogyny, the chest-thumping oneupmanship, the easy testosterone-flavored king of the hill mentality. It wasn't me, and I was singularly unsuccessful in my attempts to emulate it, to go along to get along. So I usually smiled and nodded and kept my mouth shut.

Here I felt at home, just as I had when all of the women in the marketing and sales departments had taken me to a farewell luncheon when I left my last real job.

When our guest of honor had to go and we broke up, some of us ended up in the parking lot bantering for a little longer. I gave P a big hug and thanked her for including me. She looked surprised and said, "Of course!"

Now I feel guilty for being glad she's leaving.

Stephanie

Something occurred to me as I reviewed my last post. I'd noticed it occasionally before, but I hadn't fully realized how pervasive it was until just now.

Men have almost always treated me like a woman. I don't mean in a sexual way, but in a male-superiority kind of way.

The more I think about it, the more instances I can come up with. I'm a pretty good driver, evidenced by my lack of accidents or tickets. I'm pretty good at parallel parking or towing trailers, including backing them up. Heck, I've parallel-parked a car and trailer. Yet just about every time there's been a guy watching when I'm backing up a trailer, they ask if I'd like them to do it. And this was in the before-times. It's even worse now.

I've restored antique cars. I've built countless airplanes. I've helped put up buildings. I ran an IT department for a decent sized company, wrote databases, and designed and installed networks. I've sailed boats. I fly. I know my way around a toolbox. And I've done it all through sixty years without even breaking a bone.

I work slowly and deliberately because I can't stand having to redo something due to being in a hurry, and it seems guys can't stand that. So often in my life I'd be working on something and a guy would walk up and say impatiently, "Here, let me get that!" - then get offended if I tell them it's fine, I know what I'm doing.

I wonder if they unconsciously saw the "me" in the shell, and their natural tendency to discount the skills of women popped out. Maybe I wasn't hiding myself under the male facade as well as I thought.

Things that make you go, "hmmmm."

Stephanie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 26, 2019, 12:15:19 AM
...
Men have almost always treated me like a woman. I don't mean in a sexual way, but in a male-superiority kind of way.
...
I wonder if they unconsciously saw the "me" in the shell, and their natural tendency to discount the skills of women popped out. Maybe I wasn't hiding myself under the male facade as well as I thought.

Yup!

I noticed how I was treated way back in my teen years.  Even when passing as male, I was low on the privilege ladder.  I think there were probably dozens of tells, from my 'nerdiness', to the ways I spoke, moved, even the way I reacted to others in pain.  Not alpha male material!

We don't hide all that well sometimes.

Quote from: Michelle_P on March 26, 2019, 01:37:56 AM
Yup!

I noticed how I was treated way back in my teen years.  Even when passing as male, I was low on the privilege ladder.  I think there were probably dozens of tells, from my 'nerdiness', to the ways I spoke, moved, even the way I reacted to others in pain.  Not alpha male material!

We don't hide all that well sometimes.

That pretty much describes my early years

Quote from: Steph2.0 on March 26, 2019, 12:15:19 AM
I wonder if they unconsciously saw the "me" in the shell, and their natural tendency to discount the skills of women popped out. Maybe I wasn't hiding myself under the male facade as well as I thought.

Add my "Yup!" to the chorus.  Realizing that that was how I was treated and how I interacted among men was one of the things that helped me erase my doubts about being trans.  Every facet of my life in the before-times was coloured by it, even when I hadn't a clue.

And yet, I can't think of any guy who didn't say, "I had no idea!" when I came out. Whatever cues they were using as guidance on how to treat me had to be operating at some level below the conscious.

Or maybe that's just the way males treat any person they perceive to be weaker than them. I was certainly never an "alpha."

Ditto!!! I always felt I had to be very careful and do my best at acting like a male when around others. I was always treated as the weaker one in the group anyway so had my secret come out,,,, well let's just say it would not have gone well, as it rarely went well anyway.

Hugs Steph.