Good Day to you all, Sisters of the mind!  What a wonderful place to be!  Mixed bag of blessings, no?  Here we all are, earnestly reaching to a virtual community for validation of true self, our inner identities peeking around corners.  Some of us fully engaged, others lightly touching.  How fascinating that there are infinite variety of stages, of recognition and of acceptance here on this site.  So glad to have you!

Thank you all for guiding me.  I finally ... I think it's time ... Argh!  What angst. This note is my introduction amongst the cacophany of the like minded.  My covername is ...A hopeless romantic, in private I call myself Amalie (old German for Amelia) - Emily for you English   In my late 50's now; underdressing full time for the previous 10 years, sneaking the same off and on with purge cycles since 17.   Married to my best friend, 21 years. Three smart, well adjusted children.  Happily far far seperated from a first wife whom I fired, I mean divorced, some 27 years ago.  One exquisite daughter from that marriage.  The first wife never knew the real me, and I was steeped in the transphobia / homophobia that prevailed through my formative years in the 60' and '70s, continuing as I built my first career in the U. S. Navy.

Now?  On Spiro alone for 1.5 years.  Really, really, REALLY wanting HRT but not able to move very far beyond spiro since my beloved tolerates the femme underwear ...but just about melted down the only time she thought I was already on transitioning hormones.  I stepped back into the dark quickly on that one.  Some nine or ten years ago she took me shopping for bras, she being sensetive to my desires, depression and as a careing and tender person in her own right.  She believes undergarments are far enough, that I should be satsified with that compromise.  I'm so dependent on her happiness to find my own, even though it stifles me.  It's not that I could ever pass, or "male fail".  I know what I am... a middle aged fat man that wished he never was.

How much farther should I go in this initial message?  I have so much more I want to say!  I need to get it out!  To let it drop in pumbled peices on the deck... I did have a few sessions with a therapist and got the letter to support a transition, but northern Utah isn't really a trans friendly place, especially in the medical community.

I'm truly sorry if I my deression is showing... perhaps more later?  Do you want to see more of the story?  As with all of you girls... there is always more back story.

 

@damalie 
Dear Damalie
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and that you have started posting in the Forums.  I am also glad to see that you have told us more about yourself by posting in the Introductions Forum.
     
    As you continue to post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

     For sure this is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

     I see that our lovely member  @KathyLauren  has already welcomed you on another thread that you first posted on, but please allow me to also warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    Attached near at the end of  KathyLauren's  Welcome Message are important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Hi Damalie,

I'm new here too. I can relate to being trapped in the body of a large man, and transition isn't really an option for me either right now. But even in the pain I take joy in knowing the real me is who I see when I close my eyes, not when I'm looking in the mirror.

And yes, I'm sure we all have so much more to share about where we came from, so if you want to share more, I'd be happy to listen. *hugs*

Blessings,
Alla

Hi Damalie 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Damalie, welcome from another lady who has an old German name!  I am pretty close to he end point of my transition, and hope you can get there one of these days!

Hi  Damalie

Welcome to Susan's, Hope you enjoy your time here 

There are lots of great people with valuable experiences and only too happy to share them with you.

Take care 

LizK

Oh, My!  How my heart flutters!  I never thought to get such a warm welcome!  I notice that a few of you are also following Rachel's journey?  Wow!  It felt like reading a Summerset Mauhn novelette.  I left a longish post there this morning in appreciation and acknowlegment.

I feel so insignifigant when compared to those of my sisters that have taken the plunge to full transition!  I see time and again the similarities between us..... yet am so cognizant of how private the struggle is for each and every one of us as as individuals.  I guess I'm envious of you and very upset that the GD in me just won't go away! 

My most recent struggle is how to determine whether I should count my lucky stars ... or try and move on to low dose HRT.  I still have youngsters about at home and my soul mate seems to want to preserve her man for all intents and purposes.  Working with in a limited and bigoted insurance system isn't helping.  I've really got to find a happy medium somehow.

So, I'm not very familiar with Forums.  Do I respond to individual posts or people?  Or can I only add to a chain?

Quote from: damalie on April 04, 2019, 11:27:47 AM
So, I'm not very familiar with Forums.  Do I respond to individual posts or people?  Or can I only add to a chain?

You add a post on a thread but as I did, you can quote text or part of the text from another post if you want to refer to something farther back in the thread. To include the text, just use the quote button in the upper right hand corner of the post you want to include in your post and edit out anything you don't want.

Greetings from another middle aged (man?) with a little extra around the middle. You can't wish you never were because your children wouldn't exist without you and you wouldn't be where you are now without your past experiences.

I find myself wondering how I've wasted so much of my life living a facade but then I think of my kids and there's no way I would trade them for memories of being a young woman, or whatever the hell I end up being...

Sounds like you are a kindred spirit in any case and I'm happy to have encountered you.

Long days and pleasant nights. You will be beautiful

Sent from my Pixel 3 using Tapatalk

So true!  I still live for them and that can bury the angst for a spell.  Its just getting harder to do that, 'cause life is short.

Quote from: damalie on April 02, 2019, 10:34:28 AM
I know what I am... a middle aged fat man that wished he never was.

I don't often reply to intro threads. We have far more eloquent people who do that. But I have to say this. The quote above is 100% wrong.

Who you are is a beautiful, valuable human being. You know who you are. You know who you see when you close your eyes. No one can ever take that away from you, okay? Not even you. You can change how you look, how you appear... but you can't change who you are.

The fact that you're here means you don't believe that quote. You know the truth. And knowing that is half the battle, sweetie. Hold on to that. Wherever your path takes you, never let that go.

I believe in you. Now I need you to believe in yourself. *extra big hug*

Quote from: damalie on April 02, 2019, 10:34:28 AM
It's not that I could ever pass, or "male fail".

There's a lot of myself that I see in your journey, particularly being in a family and trying to make choices based around that.

I wanted to comment on this particular bit, because it reminded me so much of the first time I ever said anything to anyone, last fall, when I talked to a therapist for the first time. And I just remember saying over and over again how ridiculous I must seem.

And I guess I still can relate to feeling that way. But maybe I feel that way a bit less now? And I'm taking that as a sign of some progress. I mean I haven't done some of the things you have, and who knows if I ever will. For me just doing some things with my clothing and hair and self-acceptance, what small amount I've been able to achieve, have been able to quiet at least a bit of that voice shouting inside of me that I was ridiculous. It's still there I think, and I don't expect it will go away. I just know how painful that voice is, and hoping you the best at quieting it. It's really a nasty beast, that one.

Oh boy.  What have I started?  Thanks to all that are kind enough to help.  No.   Really!  Thank you!

I tell myself that maybe just a few little things will be enough.  But to know I'll never be that cute 30 something is painful.  Nonetheless, I have MANY blessings.  MY wife and kids will drag me out of my funk and you foks will keep me sane.  I am astonished at the comfort you ladies are bringing to me.

Now I start the battle with the VA.  I'm anecdotally told that there is a good program, but I bite my nails to think of the riducule at their hands.  But I can't just sit here with my head in my hands.  Now where would that get me?

Quote from: damalie on April 08, 2019, 04:12:25 PM
Oh boy.  What have I started?  Thanks to all that are kind enough to help.  No.   Really!  Thank you!

I tell myself that maybe just a few little things will be enough.  But to know I'll never be that cute 30 something is painful.  Nonetheless, I have MANY blessings.  MY wife and kids will drag me out of my funk and you foks will keep me sane.  I am astonished at the comfort you ladies are bringing to me.

Now I start the battle with the VA.  I'm anecdotally told that there is a good program, but I bite my nails to think of the riducule at their hands.  But I can't just sit here with my head in my hands.  Now where would that get me?

I myself find myself wishing daily that I could go back 20 years and start this journey from there instead. I feel like I've missed out.

Sending love and wishing you the best. You are beautiful

Sent from my Pixel 3 using Tapatalk

I really try to stay away from coulda, woulda, shoulda and the grass is always greener.
With the love of a good companion and some responsibilities, I've always been surprised how far we've made it. Thanks for being in my world, baby!

Luna,

We can drip tears in our adult beverage if we like, but that ain' gonna make my tits bigger   What craziness is this?  laughter?  Already this morning?

Richelle