Hello. I am Lunalei... I am really just beginning my journey of self discovery after a lifetime of self-imposed suppression due to anxiety and fear. I am a 42 year old father of 2 and really feel that I can't let any more time pass without finding and living life as my true self. Life is too short.

I don't really know what I am. I suppose you could say "gender questioning" at this point but ever since I seriously started down this path it feels more and more that I am putting up a facade to go about my daily business. I feel like I'm putting on a uniform when I get dressed in the morning rather than the polo shirt and jeans that used to be my normal clothes. I don't even have a proper feminine outfit yet.

I have been wearing women's underwear daily and leggings when I can get away with it for some time now. Though that was really all before I consciously decided to pursue my femininity. I consider my first real feminine purchase to be a pair of shoes that I ordered online a few weeks ago. As soon as I put them on and saw them on my feet, I lit up inside with a swirl of feelings. That was the moment I knew this was not just a curiousity.

I can remember wishing that I was a girl and wanting to wear girls clothing at a young age. However, I kept that very private and had never told a soul about any of that until recently (My wife was the first to know).

I love my wife and children very much and have been open with them with what I'm going through. The kids seem to be doing relatively well with the idea but my wife is troubled. It hurts me to see her going through what she's going through. I am planning to see a therapist soon. Hopefully they can help in some way.

I grew up in the south in the US (read: Bible Belt) and was taken to a Church of Christ at least once a week in my formative years. I also attended a Lutheran school up until 6th grade. While the school was good quality, I believe I had a lot of ideas drilled into my head that I have come to disagree with later in life. I believe a lot of my personal issues stem from the conflict between how I was conditioned to think and how a deeper part of me knew more and more how wrong that was for me.

I have had severe social anxiety for a long time. I have a crippling fear of interacting with others in social situations where groups of people are involved. I am very uncomfortable talking to people in general (even strangers on the phone) unless it is someone I have been around for a while. I find myself wondering now if that isn't somehow connected to the male/female inner conflict that I have just recently acknowledged. I think I have been afraid to be me... Afraid of other people's judgement... Afraid of my own judgement

Whew, I didn't plan on this being so long but it does feel good to put all of this into words. Thank you for reading if you've come this far. Long days and pleasant nights

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Welcome Lunalei, and nice to meet you. Your intro post had many familiar themes to me, also being established in a family setting. Reaching out to others is a great step, you will find like minds and souls here at Susan's Place. Best advice I received from others when I joined an online forum a few years back, was to take it slow with family, there is no hurry, no deadlines, only you being comfortable with yourself. I also questioned many of the messages I received as a young person later in life, it's like a time to get to truth of things, and being honest with yourself can be so empowering. Social anxiety was also part of my equation, it's something I had to work on, it's not easy when the wires get crossed.

I hope you enjoy your time here with us and I look forward to reading more of your posts Lunalei

Hugs

Cynthia -

Hi LunaLeigh 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Quote from: CynthiaAnn on April 03, 2019, 10:17:33 AM
Welcome Lunalei, and nice to meet you. Your intro post had many familiar themes to me, also being established in a family setting. Reaching out to others is a great step, you will find like minds and souls here at Susan's Place. Best advice I received from others when I joined an online forum a few years back, was to take it slow with family, there is no hurry, no deadlines, only you being comfortable with yourself. I also questioned many of the messages I received as a young person later in life, it's like a time to get to truth of things, and being honest with yourself can be so empowering. Social anxiety was also part of my equation, it's something I had to work on, it's not easy when the wires get crossed.

I hope you enjoy your time here with us and I look forward to reading more of your posts Lunalei

Hugs

Cynthia -

Thanks for the insight! It's so hard to take it slow. I feel like I'm moving at a snail's pace while my wife just commented today that it seems everything is happening so fast.

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There lies the differences in perceptions. Allowing your mate plenty of time to process things, and then assess where you are is a good general plan. I know it can be exhilarating when added on something new, or changing this or that.

I hope you have a great day !

Hugs

Cynthia -

Quote from: CynthiaAnn on April 04, 2019, 08:17:30 AM
There lies the differences in perceptions. Allowing your mate plenty of time to process things, and then assess where you are is a good general plan. I know it can be exhilarating when added on something new, or changing this or that.

I hope you have a great day !

Hugs

Cynthia -

Thank you so much!

I feel like the wife and I had a really good day yesterday. We went out for lunch and made a Target run and really communicated.

I also finally gathered up the courage to enter the Sephora store in the mall and ask for help yesterday. I walked past the entrance 4 times before forcing myself to walk in. They were so very nice and welcoming. It was a big relief and sort of euphoric going through that short but sweet experience.

I think I'm going to start one of those journal posts in a different forum. I like the idea of documenting my journey and being able to look back on my progress

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Oh my gosh!  Another sister   Go as fast as you can, but each of us has a timeline.  Your story is so familiar!  I'm envious that your spousal unit is supportive.

Best of luck and best regards,
Amalie

Quote from: damalie on April 04, 2019, 12:19:32 PM
Oh my gosh!  Another sister   Go as fast as you can, but each of us has a timeline.  Your story is so familiar!  I'm envious that your spousal unit is supportive.

Best of luck and best regards,
Amalie

Thank you. I feel like I want to do everything all at once but I'm trying to pace myself. I just watched some voice feminization videos with my wife earlier. I am really lucky to have her

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