Quote from Nightfall-
 
I still have must haves that require disclosure though, like when I got my mammogram last week and had to go through the Q&A. Have you had children? When did you first get your period? Yeah, no I am transsexual, no period.
  After I always wonder if there was an answer that would not divulge everything. I think medically it is best that they know everything, but it still feels weird. With everyone else after I get to know them enough, I don't want to mislead them and it stresses and worries me until I tell them the truth. I tell them that I prefer that it not be common knowledge and ask if they could keep it just between us. I know that they can react badly, struggle with it or tell everyone. I don't want everyone to know and I don't want to be treated differently, but I have to tell them.

   I went to urgent care two days ago for a toe infection. I am by nature a rule follower. They asked if I had had any surgeries. I listed my hernia from way back, mentioned my facial surgeries, even told of my breast augmentation. In past occasions I felt obligated to include all my information and would include my GCS surgery. This time, I said nothing about it. What does a toe infection have to do with the disclosure of having had vaginoplasty? It is unrelated.  The breast surgery, yes, because of the risk of capsular contracture, but I don't need to out myself to this tech for no good reason. You mentioned mammograms, Nightfall. I go next week. I will probably not mention being trans unless asked specifically. If they ask of periods, I will just write N/A. I don't argue you telling them if you are more comfortable that way. I used to tell and to some extent it made me relax because I ...I guess I didn't want to feel like I was lying to them. I did have a colonoscopy this summer and the experience modified how I viewed things. I tried to get them to change my legally changed gender to female on my paperwork. First visit, they said they would work on it. The next visit the day of the procedure, they said they couldn't. Arrrrrr! Okay, so I go in, get on the table, and there is a monitor for all to see. People traipsing through, all saw my name and underneath, 'male.' I was highly embarrassed and humiliated. I get done with the procedure, days later, I talk to my GP. I tell him about it. He was so apologetic. He said he would fix it so that would not happen to anyone else. One day later the doctor who did the colonoscopy called and profusely apologized. He said his staff would be retrained. It started to dawn on me that WE DESERVE RESPECT. We do have to stand up for ourselves and for those who follow. We just have to get it through our heads that we don't owe any stranger any explanation of our story if we don't want to. We are not lying if we don't enter the building with an 'I am trans' sticker  on our forehead. Please, Nightfall, I am not saying your way is wrong. Your story was my jumping off point for my story where I get something up my butt and start yelling about our rights. (Ah, the rare literal and figurative comment combined. lol) Ya know something? It felt kind of good to have stood up for myself.
   
   Thanks to F-P-M, Pamela and Nightfall! F_P_M, sorry for that trouble you are describing. I am curious. Nightfall, sorry I made you cry, but I am so happy that you are sharing. We all are working on ourselves I think. Sometimes we have to realize, "Hey I AM a good person and I DO deserve love and respect. Your post touched me and I hope you continue to seek and find peace within yourself.

Love to all,
Moni
Wow, my best colonoscopy story ever! Whoop whoop! 

Moni,
  Hahaha! Well to take anything positive out of a colonoscopy is an achievement in itself.
  Sometimes I feel like I am the the most adamant rule follower ever. I don't think it is all about the rules but doing what I believe is right. I don't mind bucking the system if I think they are wrong, I still owe a cell phone service because they wanted to charge me a whole month of service when I left. My friend who was on my plan got an IPhone on our new plan and Apple had an additional contract that she had to sign, I was on their plan for 8 hours past the billing month. 8 hours! I was willing to pay any sum below the full amount but they would not accept anything less than the full amount. I can pay the stupid thing no problem, but I won't. I am pretty bad for anything else. I broke a window when I was little, my brother and his friends were throwing rocks at a house and they had let me tag along that day but I wanted them to stop so bad that I threw a rock and broke the window they were trying to hit so they would stop. They were not sports people but I was forced into Little League very young. As soon as I got home I told on myself and spent the summer working for the people who's window I broke. I have never gotten better about it either.
  It was a verbal Q&A, I have never been able to stand up for myself that way. No problem with a direct attack but other than that, not as much. I have fought the VA about my male status, I did win but now I have to hear my primary care physician reminding me that I should use birth control. Fair trade I think.
  I am working at loving myself. It sounds so easy but...

Thanks for thinking of me. 

What is this hormonal balance of which you speak

When I was a youngster (back in the early 70's, I was cloistered, abused and extremely naive.  By the time I left home for the Navy, I just thought there were two sexes and that gender was a word interchangeable with sex.  By the time I was 17 i'd definitely heard of 'homos' ... the ones that were outside the norms of society.  Sound familiar to any of you?  I hid and I conformed.  Hormones weren't even a word in my vocabulary.  I agree with he thrust of this conversation.. we suffer from a hormone imbalance, surely!

I am occasionally just furious with the world for what I am now.  There is a raft of individual people that I've not forgiven.  I really don't want to be bitter.  Yet in spite of all, i am grateful for my blessings.

Truly I'm sorry for maybe hijacking a wee bit...  but your theory is sound.

   I had lunch with two good friends today. We all happen to be M to F trans people. If one were to take a totally clinical view of who was in that booth, it could be said that there were three genetic males present. It occurred to me as I sat watching my friends and feeling what was going on in my head that that description was so totally wrong for who was actually there. I could say there were three trans women there. That would be accurate, I guess. I could also describe the spirit of who was there as well. Result? There were three women there.       
   Please allow for a bit of a tangent for a second. When I was in college years ago I had an English class. Now, I was interested in math and science and psychology and sociology and who know what other fact based types of subjects. English, more specifically, literature had so little meaning to me. Yuk, I thought. Well, this professor was a little gifted I guess. He had a way of showing that the soul of the world was just as important as my logical view of the world. Things don't break down to a bunch of ones and zeroes. Humanity is more than the collection of people or body parts. I'm not good with the words to describe this soul or spirit, but it is important. It is really important. I have to remind myself sometimes that this spirit is important. The last three years as I worried about this surgery, those clothes, that look from someone, coming out to this one or that, it can start you to minimize this 'literary essence thingy' that is in me that is so important. My essence, my 'more than just the sum of my parts' is a female entity. It needs no qualifiers. It may have sprung from different soil or been fertilized in a way than other female entities, but the result is an unqualified female me. There were three women in that booth today.

Quote from: HappyMoni on April 07, 2019, 06:00:39 PM
  . There were three women in that booth today.

and that is it, we are women!
It happend that three of us did some stuff together this afternoon/evening, too.  I was, however the only trans woman, while the other two were cis girls (one of them a visitor from Nice in southern France).
If some person would have had to guess, who looked most masculine/trans in the group of us three women, they would have guessed that the lady from France was it.  She is a big boned person with broad shoulders and really big hands, and otherwise also rather masculine facial features, but she is as cis as they come.
And that is it, the entire passing thing is a piece of ******, as long as a person feels confident in her being, she will pass and be seen as a woman!  Facial features don't really say anything, as don't big hands and broad shoulders!

We are women, all of us!

Thanks Linde, you are right. I sometimes think  that we logically know of our legitimacy, but society psychs us into emotionally wrestling with it. The longer I live it, the easier it is.

Quote from: Nightfall on April 02, 2019, 06:37:36 PM

  I think that you are either better with words than me, are more imaginative/creative than me or more than likely both! I never came up with anything that good. I won't lie but there was a time when I spent a bunch of time looking for non-lie responses. I have not had anyone confront me in a very long time so I haven't had to worry about it. I still have must haves that require disclosure though, like when I got my mammogram last week and had to go through the Q&A. Have you had children? When did you first get your period? Yeah, no I am transsexual, no period.
   

@Nightfall

   I had my mammogram today. On the sheet they ask when your last period was. I wrote N/A. The woman who saw my paperwork just asked, "You're not menstrating now are you?" I said no. I think that's all they want to know. If asked further, I'd say I'm too old. I saw no reason to say I am trans. I think she thought I was cis based on the way she spoke to me.
   My first mammogram with implants was fine, not painful!
Moni

I like the N/A answer. Hope it keeps working for you.

Just thinking that there are other reasons for a female (of any age) not to get periods..?.  I was in a long-term relationship with a woman who only got them when she was kicking and off drugs.  She said it like she hadn't had them in years, and she wasn't quite 30 at the time.

HappyMoni, one way is to say they all in my pass now.  You could be in menopause or had a hysterectomy. N/A covers them all nicely.

Quote from: HappyMoni on April 11, 2019, 05:12:49 PM
@Nightfall

   I had my mammogram today. On the sheet they ask when your last period was. I wrote N/A. The woman who saw my paperwork just asked, "You're not menstrating now are you?" I said no. I think that's all they want to know. If asked further, I'd say I'm too old. I saw no reason to say I am trans. I think she thought I was cis based on the way she spoke to me.
   My first mammogram with implants was fine, not painful!
Moni

Moni,
  I like how you handled it. I don't know why I didn't do the same. Probably because when unexpectedly confronted I just don't think of it.
  I wasn't expecting mine to be painful, the first two were not at all the biggest problem was how cold the contraption was. ! This last one was painful though I don't know why or what was different.

Some of the discomfort could be from the skill of the technician, I would think. We are lucky these days. It used to be they would squeeze them between two metal plates. Now they use the plastic, curved surfaces on the machines. Much better!

I think when I was new at all this, I was so conscious of throwing right out there that I'm trans. Now, I am standing up for myself more and realizing I don't owe anyone that disclosure. Now if I chose to, that is different. I have to go to a new dentist soon. If it comes up, it does. There are places in this country trying to push  (or have) these 'religious freedom' laws. They want to discriminate in the name of religion. (What's next, separate water fountains?) Stuff like that makes me say, "Hell no, it's time to stick up for our rights." I guess it is my previous white, male priviledge talking, but it is hard to imagine hearing, "We don't serve your kind here." It blows my mind!

Hi Monica, Awesome topic.

I had 4 operations with Dr. McGinn. All of my insurance CPT codes were for intersexed. I was not denied any of the procedure requested. I do not consider myself intersexed. I have body size issues but not something people measure. I gave up competitive swimming when 12 because I was embarrassed to be in a bathing suit and I could not get changed and would not shower or change in a locker room. I  am was extremely small. An innie not an outie. I consider myself transsexual and female. Female more recently.

I had a gcs follow up procedure recently and the patient after me is a friend ( she had a very difficult revision surgery, I am very lucky). She was an advocate and now is stealth. We texted several times about the subject last week. I fully understand her reasoning. I thought and realized I had stopped going into community a year ago. I do not disclose to people I am trans unless it is for medical reasons. My last three operations, last week and two vocal operations I was asked repetitively, when was the last time I had my period. I tried to imply I was post menopausal but they started asking more invasive questions like do I have spotting and wanted specifics about the last period date. Anyhow I disclosed and that stopped it.

Last week I realized I had gone through the enormous change but now I have become use to or coped with or just became me. There still is change but not to the scale I had to deal with. My doctor said last week that next she would do xxxx and I told my doctor last week I am done. I am just done, no more. The words just came out. It is not that I do not want to look better down there. It is that I am done.

I think we all change and at some point are ourselves and are done. We may want to be xyz but reality sets in and we are just us, comfortable in our bodies more than the need to alter ourselves to align.

I no longer will disclose unless directly asked. The exception is if I find a male suiter.

In terms of respect within the medical umbrella I had a rather... interesting experience. Going in for orchiodectomy WITH all my legal records and gender registered as female (and yes I do 'pass' for that matters) there were multiple occasions from more than one nurse of being misgendered. Now I wanted the surgery so I just reminded them I am not, and never have been male. Also, that the chart said gender confirmation surgery and surely it was disrespectful regardless of the procedure to misgender me.

In terms of declaring all your procedures I think its probably safer to do so in that if I were to have an accident and there were gender specific procedures they are going to find... discrepancies. I'd rather ensure I get the right treatment.

Quote from: krobinson103 on April 12, 2019, 06:17:55 PM
In terms of respect within the medical umbrella I had a rather... interesting experience. Going in for orchiodectomy WITH all my legal records and gender registered as female (and yes I do 'pass' for that matters) there were multiple occasions from more than one nurse of being misgendered. Now I wanted the surgery so I just reminded them I am not, and never have been male. Also, that the chart said gender confirmation surgery and surely it was disrespectful regardless of the procedure to misgender me.

In terms of declaring all your procedures I think its probably safer to do so in that if I were to have an accident and there were gender specific procedures they are going to find... discrepancies. I'd rather ensure I get the right treatment.

That was the reason that I went in as a kind of male looking person.  I was misgendered twice while there and addressed with ma'am though!
I did not have my legal name change done though.

Quote from: Rachel on April 12, 2019, 05:03:04 PM
Hi Monica, Awesome topic.

I had 4 operations with Dr. McGinn. All of my insurance CPT codes were for intersexed. I was not denied any of the procedure requested. I do not consider myself intersexed. I have body size issues but not something people measure. I gave up competitive swimming when 12 because I was embarrassed to be in a bathing suit and I could not get changed and would not shower or change in a locker room. I  am was extremely small. An innie not an outie. I consider myself transsexual and female. Female more recently.

I had a gcs follow up procedure recently and the patient after me is a friend ( she had a very difficult revision surgery, I am very lucky). She was an advocate and now is stealth. We texted several times about the subject last week. I fully understand her reasoning. I thought and realized I had stopped going into community a year ago. I do not disclose to people I am trans unless it is for medical reasons. My last three operations, last week and two vocal operations I was asked repetitively, when was the last time I had my period. I tried to imply I was post menopausal but they started asking more invasive questions like do I have spotting and wanted specifics about the last period date. Anyhow I disclosed and that stopped it.

Last week I realized I had gone through the enormous change but now I have become use to or coped with or just became me. There still is change but not to the scale I had to deal with. My doctor said last week that next she would do xxxx and I told my doctor last week I am done. I am just done, no more. The words just came out. It is not that I do not want to look better down there. It is that I am done.

I think we all change and at some point are ourselves and are done. We may want to be xyz but reality sets in and we are just us, comfortable in our bodies more than the need to alter ourselves to align.

I no longer will disclose unless directly asked. The exception is if I find a male suiter.

   Thanks for sharing this @Rachel! I am so happy to see that you have gotten to this peaceful place with yourself. I think we kind of both wondered if it would ever happen for a while there. My last real battle to get to where I want to be is coming next week when I pick up that phone and call about voice therapy. I don't know why it intimidates me so. I drew a few lines for myself though. No voice surgery and no fat transfers like body sculpting. I would love the latter, but (butt) no!
   As for disclosure on questions about last period date, "I have no idea!" sounds like a response I would give. I do agree with @krobinson103 that if it is a health issue and my trans past is important, I'll squeal like the dirty rat I am. lol
   Linde, @Dietland we are in different places of our journey's. At this point, I'd prefer being regarded as a woman, am quite okay with being seen as trans (sometimes pretty proud of it), but I am past the point of being able to be considered male. I can't stand it. Thank you for your comments about being intersex. I don't think being trans or being intersex is easy in any way.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on April 13, 2019, 07:16:30 AM

   Linde, @Dietland we are in different places of our journey's. At this point, I'd prefer being regarded as a woman, am quite okay with being seen as trans (sometimes pretty proud of it), but I am past the point of being able to be considered male. I can't stand it. Thank you for your comments about being intersex. I don't think being trans or being intersex is easy in any way.
Moni

Moni, I don't know what is of more importance for me personally, being intersex, or being trans, because I am kind of both.  My intersex syndrome made it definitely easier for me to be a woman, because I did not have to undergo all those changes, most trans women have to do.  But I still was socialized as a male, and had, like all other trans women to redo this into being female ( once in a while I still see me slipping back into that male thing - I still do mansplaning a lot to my girlfriends).  For me, intersex and trans did more or less blend together in making me into the woman I am currently.  Of course, I can never stop being intersex, because that is the biology of my body, but I hope that one day, I do not consider myself anymore to be trans, but to have arrived.  I see this one day being the day that I got SRS.  Once i had that surgery, I would feel equal to a cis woman who had an hysterectomy, after all, I have the same XX chromosomes cis women have!

My goodness!  You girls sure say a lot of what is in my mind, that I don't have the courage to say or type.

Particularly that we were concerned if Racehel would ever be happy with herself.  She has put herself through the wringer again and again.  Much like Christine Jorgensen back in the day.  Can you imagine what it would have been like, back in the 50s?  We just have to follow Rachel's story to to share the struggle and the angst in our modern world.  Thanks Rachel, for pouring it out on the table for us.  Better therapy is hard to find I think.

Oh my.  I have a bone to pick with the world!  I get so mad having to justify my self!  Can't we just be "people?" "Persons." "Friends."  I want to be able to display whatever side of me is working for that day.  I want to get up and just...be.  Who I am. not so much of what I am.  Sweatpants or suit, bra or no bra, flats or heels.  I identify ME, not those other folks.  Why the hangups?  Oh my.

Quote from: HappyMoni on March 31, 2019, 09:29:26 PM
   I have been thinking about the different situations in my life.  ...  I then started thinking about a different explanation of my situation. I thought, what if I said that I have always had a genetic hormonal problem that has had the effect of masculinizing my body in certain ways. I thought about it. I think it is a different way to say what my situation is that is truthful, even if it isn't the explanation commonly given, loaded down with the scientific facts and labeling. If pressed I wouldn't hide being trans, but to me this describes my situation from the stand point of my brain. My brain has always fought to be female despite me running from that fact for so long. Essentially, yeah, my genetics caused my hormones to change my body in ways I never wanted. I wanted none of its masculinizing effects. This is really an explanation that a female brained person would give. Society says I'm this thing called trans (and that's okay) but from my perspective the genetics (and resulting hormones) took things to a whole other place, one not matching my brain. Since my brain is the essence of who I am, the genetics to me are way secondary.

Moni

Hi Moni:

I bookmarked your thread and have thought about it a lot. 

I need to come out to my daughters very soon.  That means also coming out to my son-in-laws and grandchildren.  Your 'New Way to Look at My [Our] Situation' is a Godsend to me.  It gives me a basis on how to approach the upcoming conversations.  Thank You!

It's funny.  I'm not worried about my daughters or grandchildren.   (Actually I think my 15 year old granddaughter may be figuring me out - based in this past weekend.). My worry is my Son-in-Laws response and the pressure that could put on my daughters and grandchildren.  I know I can't control that.

So the plan is to talk to each of my daughters individually starting with my Nurse Practioner middle daughter.  I'm going to use your description and probably add to it the DES effects.  The DES should not be much of a surprise since I've been forwarding them the research (albeit very limited research) on DES grandchildren.
Assuming my middle daughter is understanding, my hope is she can help make the case to her sisters that i am dealing with a medical condition - or a birth defect.

Again, thanks for your post!

Kate



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Quote from: Emma1017 on April 02, 2019, 11:34:55 AM
"I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.

I am not becoming a woman, I've always been one, I just want to stop pretending to be a man."

Wow! that was so beautifully put Emma!! ...Almost cried. Please can I borrow that for my coming out letter?

Quote from: jkredman on May 07, 2019, 01:29:11 AM

Hi Moni:

I bookmarked your thread and have thought about it a lot. 

I need to come out to my daughters very soon.  That means also coming out to my son-in-laws and grandchildren.  Your 'New Way to Look at My [Our] Situation' is a Godsend to me.  It gives me a basis on how to approach the upcoming conversations.  Thank You!

It's funny.  I'm not worried about my daughters or grandchildren.   (Actually I think my 15 year old granddaughter may be figuring me out - based in this past weekend.). My worry is my Son-in-Laws response and the pressure that could put on my daughters and grandchildren.  I know I can't control that.

So the plan is to talk to each of my daughters individually starting with my Nurse Practioner middle daughter.  I'm going to use your description and probably add to it the DES effects.  The DES should not be much of a surprise since I've been forwarding them the research (albeit very limited research) on DES grandchildren.
Assuming my middle daughter is understanding, my hope is she can help make the case to her sisters that i am dealing with a medical condition - or a birth defect.

Again, thanks for your post!

Kate



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Hi Kate,
   I'm so glad you found this useful. I'll be pulling for you with your coming out process. As I think back to my coming out now with hind sight, I see that at times I felt like I bent over backwards to get people to go along with me on my journey. At certain points, I almost felt apologetic. In the sense that I was sorry for putting people like my immediate family through a possible ordeal with me, I see the apology as legitimate. Causing others distress is not what I like to do. I think I was able to draw a line when I was thinking more logically (and less with emotion)  that, damn it, I have nothing to apologize for for my life. I did not hurt anybody. Whether the reason I had a female brain with a male body had a cause (DES, hormonal imbalance, genetic disposition, or witches spell), it really doesn't matter. I have this situation. Judge me when you have dealt with it yourself. It is no sin, no perversion, no trend, no whim! It is my life! Kate, I don't know if you are familiar with Emma's thread. I recently posted my coming out letter on there. It was very much a statement of "Okay I am tired of running, running doesn't work, this is the pain and shame I've dealt with, and I have to start living for me and not worry about the approval of others." It is not a "screw you if you don't like it" but more of a "I'm going to hold my head up high, proceed with as much class as I can, and you are invited to come along." I think the passage you quoted was very about us having a way  to hold our heads up high and dismiss the shame we don't deserve. Good luck Hon! Thanks for bringing this thread up again, I enjoyed it.
Warmly,
Moni

I think it is always tougher for folks, 'supposed to be guys' for so long, to quite the fraternity and tell 'other' guys. It is just harder.