I was sick and tired of putting up a persona that many people saw right through. It was taking a toll on my health.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on March 31, 2019, 10:37:54 AM
Having realized this past year that I am a woman and not really gender fluid, or a mixed up cismale, I have continued my gender therapy.  I have to be myself as a woman. 

I have taken this mtf transitioning very slow and methodically.  Some know but I have friends, associates, and acquaintances whom I know think that transgender is wrong, so I have not disclosed to them.  I am not prepared yet to lose them.

I also am still squeamish about surgery and down under electrolysis.  So I have been taking baby steps.  I am hopeful of going full time, but I have to address my objections or unwillingness to do so before I can take the leap.

I know that there are some TG people that may think that is rather whimpy but as this is very personal, I have to be ready myself to go forward.  Fortunately those that do know of my mtf situation are very supportive and respectful.

For all of you that have been supportive here of me, thank you so much.   


Hugs,

Chrissy

Chrissy,

Baby steps and going slow is NOT wimpy.

Our lives are like cooked spaghetti between our internal heart and soul, and our external relationships.  If you don't want to just bust or cut the tangles, it takes time.

My transition coach (therapist) has to constantly remind me to slow down.  It's because I have some relationships that I don't want to lose.  They are equally important to me as becomeing my true self.  So I can only move as fast as those relationships will allow.  When I move too fast, I needlessly stress them.

Your not wimpy. Your balancing potentially conflicting priorities in your life.

And it's your life to live.

I don't believe there is anyone on this forum that would say anything different.

Kate


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Tic toc, tic toc, tic toc, tic toc. How much time do we have and how do you want to live it?

This thing everyone calls transsexual was my life, there was never anything else. I always had to live with it and everyone knew about it, no relationships or children. What else would I do?

All of that seems kind of silly though. It's what I am. Twice I have had doctors say that I had to stop transitioning or I would die, they don't bother anymore. This is who I am. Whatever it is I will live with it or die with it, but the moment I found out transition was possible all others possibilities ended.

You have all played Tic Tac Toe certainly, it can't be won. There is only one move left, you can't win, all you can do is put that last O in that last box and move on to something else. Well...


O

The reason why I transitioned was because I determined that it made everyone's life better, including my own. The other option was to live half a life and keep people around me living in a lie. In my case I could see it breeding bitterness that no one understood the root source of, which turned our frustrations upon ourselves.

For me it was dysphoria, especially the social part. Socializing with people felt very awkward and wrong as a guy...

I totally didn't like ''guy's talk'' or interests, and I was immediately shutting down friendship to anyone threatening (even joking about) shaving my long hair... and then found me rather cautious around them...

Girls always ended up my best of friends, sharing interests and all... but some wanted more than being just friends and tried to play games to get my (nonexistent) male self to the chase or being obnoxiously flirty... breaking the relationship in the end...

Or even friends and/or coworker gossiping and starting a rumor about me going out (dating) with a female friend of mine, creating tension in the friendship...

I learned what ''Netflix and chill'' meant the hard way... got tricked into it when I didn't know better. I ran away when she tried to get into my pants... Y'know... I need time to warm up to sex... like an actual woman.

The ''guys can't be friends with girls without sex'' social construct really did it for my dysphoria... I grew weary of starting new friendships over time, causing isolation and loneliness... I actually embraced (voluntary) celibacy, declaring it loud and clear to everyone all the way up until... well... now. I'm actually opening up as the real me nowadays!

Quote from: jkredman on April 05, 2019, 12:20:32 AM
Chrissy,

Baby steps and going slow is NOT wimpy.

Our lives are like cooked spaghetti between our internal heart and soul, and our external relationships.  If you don't want to just bust or cut the tangles, it takes time.

My transition coach (therapist) has to constantly remind me to slow down.  It's because I have some relationships that I don't want to lose.  They are equally important to me as becomeing my true self.  So I can only move as fast as those relationships will allow.  When I move too fast, I needlessly stress them.

Your not wimpy. Your balancing potentially conflicting priorities in your life.

And it's your life to live.

I don't believe there is anyone on this forum that would say anything different.

Kate

Kate,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. 

I wish everyone would be accepting.
I will always so kindness and love to all though, even if I do get a cold shoulder or worse from those who are not accepting.  I do tread slowly.

Onward we go!

Chrissy

Quote from: Sabrina Rei on April 05, 2019, 06:59:03 AM
The reason why I transitioned was because I determined that it made everyone's life better, including my own. The other option was to live half a life and keep people around me living in a lie. In my case I could see it breeding bitterness that no one understood the root source of, which turned our frustrations upon ourselves.

Sabrina,

This was well stated.  I have similar reflections. 

I wonder if I could forever be a womanly spirited guy, content to be lovingly feminine with a few wonderful people while portraying to be a regular straight guy with the rest of my world.  I find that routine to be harder to do as the months pass by.  It would be manifesting a lie or denial of me being the woman I am, simply a nice, responsible woman who is attracted to women.

Over time, this will work its way out.  I hope well.   

You continue to be be very photogenic!

Hugs,

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on April 07, 2019, 07:26:11 AM

Sabrina,

This was well stated.  I have similar reflections. 

I wonder if I could forever be a womanly spirited guy, content to be lovingly feminine with a few wonderful people while portraying to be a regular straight guy with the rest of my world.  I find that routine to be harder to do as the months pass by.  It would be manifesting a lie or denial of me being the woman I am, simply a nice, responsible woman who is attracted to women.

Over time, this will work its way out.  I hope well.   

You continue to be be very photogenic!

Hugs,

Chrissy

You might remember that I was able to jut flipp flop between guy and woman without any problem.  Well, somehow it seems not to work that well anymore.  It started out with a few male fails, and now that the results of my orchi seemed to have kicked in fully, I do not have the desire to be a guy anymore, not even going into an auto repair shop!

I need an oil change done next week, and will go here as a very assertive and knowledgeable person, and this person is a woman!
I am afraid that my guy days are over for good now!  I don't think that going as a guy would cause dysphoria for me, I just don't feel like it anymore!
I used to have to decide every morning if I would want to start the day as a guy or a woman.  That indecision is gone now, and there is no question in the world anymore that I will get up and dress like a woman, because I am a woman!

I am pretty sure that you will reach this point, too!  There will be no question, you are a woman!
Hugs
Linde

I chose to transition because I'd always known since childhood I was different, just not how I was until later. I spent years trying to be something other than myself, and ultimately became a recessed shell of a person. That road took some dark turns, and I very nearly didn't get off of it. But ultimately all those years were a learning experience, and and got me to the point of saying "...well that didn't work", and caused me to reflect on what great personal failure I felt I was running away from: that I wasn't how I was 'supposed' to be.

Now, I'm running as fast and hard as I can in the opposite direction, to being my truest self at all times. And even though it's terrifying, I'm loving myself more now than ever.

In the childhood and teens, I did wish I was born a girl, in my teenage years I did experiment with cross dressing, I wore pantyhose and cheer leader skirt, with panties of course.. but never more than that.. I always interacted better with women than men.. I never considered transitioning.. Then at the age of 19 something changed..

I dressed up fully as a woman for first time with help of a friend.. I wore a blue long sleeve knee length dress, black pantyhose, blue 2inch heels with a wig. That evening was also the first time I wore

-makeup to hide that male face
-shaved my legs
-I wore nail polish (Red) to make my hands look more girlish.
-home body shaping garments, plus bean bags for boobs

I remember looking in the mirror for that first time loving the girl I saw in the mirror. I loved every second of being dressed.

After that night, I just wanted to be that girl more and more and I dressed fully every chance I got.. i hated wearing a wig, so I started to grow my hair, i actually from that night kept my legs shaved. Soon after that night, I got my ears pierced, I wanted to wear earrings as well. I loved being noleen and soon evenings dressed turned into entire weekends dressed, which turned in week evening too. It got to a point, where if I was not at school, I was noleen. I constantly worked on my look to look more female.. breast forms etc..

What I loved, I went from a shy guy, to this outgoing woman..I loved being girly and I ended being a very girly girl.. (I love makeup, nail polish, 4 inch high heels, dresses etc)  The idea I was actually a girl trapped in a shy mans body formed in my head at this time... My friend found a gender therapist for me, and I soon started with hormones.. and around two years after that.. I had my vagina installed..

I have never looked back from that night in the blue long sleeve dress. I actually still own that dress, it does not fit anymore, HRT gave me plenty of hip and bum fat, plus D cup breasts (Typical of the women in my family), so the dress struggles to go over my bum. I will never get rid of it.

I cant imagine myself as a guy anymore or being in a typical guys role in a relationship. I am married to a man, and I love being his wife and being in the wife role. I love dressing up and looking pretty and sexy for him and I run our household on top of having a job. Yes he does know I was born a man, but he says.. I look and act like a woman, so for him that is what I am. The one women thing I cant provide, is giving him a child. I would love to fall pregnant and give birth to his child. We do want to adopt.. and we are registered. I would love to be mum. If I end up being a house wife looking after the kids.. I would be the happiest woman on earth.

Quote from: noleen111 on April 12, 2019, 03:28:04 AM


I cant imagine myself as a guy anymore or being in a typical guys role in a relationship. I am married to a man, and I love being his wife and being in the wife role. I love dressing up and looking pretty and sexy for him and I run our household on top of having a job. Yes he does know I was born a man, but he says.. I look and act like a woman, so for him that is what I am. The one women thing I cant provide, is giving him a child. I would love to fall pregnant and give birth to his child. We do want to adopt.. and we are registered. I would love to be mum. If I end up being a house wife looking after the kids.. I would be the happiest woman on earth.

I have many of the same feelings you have, except for me, I don't want to have  a man in my life.  I am very glad that i was able to eliminate the one who was co-sharing my body, I do not want another one of that species near me anymore.
I might have some resemblance of an uterus inside my body, who knows with my funny makeup, but I also do not even consider having a child, and i am still of rotten a housewife as I was when I was a man.
I always was a go getter, and that has not changed with me being a woman now.  If any partner, i would want a houseman or house woman, and I can be outside in the world,  and do my things!

I am beginning to speculate that dysphoria is not a thing that only takes place in one's head. 

Much of it is how the rest of the world perceives you.  I have a not entirely pleasant go of it as a man; in my limited experience (11 days!) out as a women it is much easier for me.  There are many reasons for this, but as my wonderful French Canadian friend likes to say:  "life is talking to you." 

I live and act in a way that is (to society anyway) perhaps not in harmony with my gender and it "bothers" others arguably more than it bothers me.  That a lot of the unpleasantness I experience on a day to day basis is the world telling me something.  Something that was not entirely clear to me.  It's getting to the point that my female co-workers are complaining that I am too "girly" - that actually happened! 

I need a 40 year plan to not only survive in this world but to thrive.  I do think there is a duty to make the best of it in this world.  So, onward and upward.

Ultimately my goal is to live a life free of anxiety, anger, and depression brought on by being separated from the person I knew myself to be at 5. I am pleased with my progress so far.

Selfish reason:
Much like I am studying how to act as a girl, I attempted for decades to live up to the societal expectations of acting male. My inner bitch right now is taking (almost) sadistic glee in being aware of who I am and still being perceived by the unknowing masses as "cis male". I know that eventually I will no longer be able to do that at which point people will learn I am ok with who I am now. Yeah, I still have some anger issues. I am aware of what it is caused by, and I am letting it run it's course.

To live compared to merely exist. x

I've spent 50+ years trying to find a solution to this pain, depression and anxiety.  The only thing that has ever helped is my low dose E and the hope that one day I'll transition.  If I think for a moment of giving up the E or this goal, everything gets much darker and life seems pointless.

Have a nice day.
Paige 😊

Life wasn't quite hard enough so I spiced things up with an extra challenge.

For me , the ultimate reason I began my transition was to be the woman I have I have always felt like on the inside.

Last year, I finally decided that I was going to live my life the way I wanted and break free from the gender box that some other felt I should be in. Since coming out, my depression has improved and I actually feel happy. Plus being a woman really rocks! (At least for me anyways, lol)

I support anyone who wants to finally be the person they have dreamed of becoming. And if they are happy with the way they currently are then that is perfectly fine as well. Plenty of love to share with everyone.