Well these days my partner is trying that I patch things up with my dad I must send him voice notes on messenger.

This disgusts me in a way because why must I reach out to him and crawl back.

If he wanted to be part of my life he would have done it out of his own.
Why must I prove to him that I am worthy of being part of his life.

I didn't turn out to be the image of what he wanted me to be. He said things that really hurt me and he will never ever say sorry but I must say sorry for what I said to him say sorry each time I get upset or angry if he misgenders me or dead names me or feel he have the right to dead name me because it is his right as a parent because that is the name he gave me.

It is so dramatic and ridiculous because my mere existence is enough to hurt him in his words being transgender and transitioned it hurts him.

I was told it would have been better if I am dead. Now I must do what say sorry.

I must try to patch things up with him when he is actually dead to me. The only thing that will make him happy is if I live the life he intended for me to live and there is no way in this world that will ever happen.

My dad will go out of his way to help my sister in buying her a car and things but for me he can't even give me a call to ask how it is going.

I called him on his birthday and he again intentionally dead names me. When my siblings use my name he corrects them and they must use my dead name when referring to me.

So why on earth must I try to rekindle a relationship with my dad I am asking myself when I actually have no interest in wasting my life trying to convince one person on this earth just to accept me and love me for who I am.

In my opinion it is a two way street you can't receive the whole time but never give back.

You do not have to allow toxic people into your life just because they're blood.

I hope your partner stops trying to pressure you into this because you have ZERO reason to want to associate with this man.

If he cannot accept you for who you are then he's not worth the energy.

It hurts of course, but ultimately dealing with the toxic behaviour will hurt you more. Why should you subject yourself to that?

I'm so sorry your father hasn't behaved like an adult about this. But you know, ultimately it's HIS problem not yours. You've done nothing wrong and never ever feel guilty about being the best possible you.

You are right of course, in all that you have said. He has hurt you and has hardened his heart against you. You are totally justified in closing the door. That said, please let me offer a point or two, not in his defense but in your potential life opportunity. He is a man and incapable of seeing past his view of the world. He has spent his life living with testosterone poisoning and severe male socializing. He can not understand what has happened to you and without time and help, will probably go to his grave not getting the chance to meet and love his daughter. This is not a justification, just a truth. Why would you need to continue to reach out while he won't? I expect that it is more that he can't and with your woman's heart are probably more able to reach across the painful barrier.

You have no obligation to help him "See" you in a true light and perhaps even with continued effort he will still never be able to come around....and that will hurt. But maybe, just maybe, he may be able to get past his own bigoted arrogance and see your truth....  My dad was unable to accept me (a whole other story) and created a huge distance between us, literally several thousand miles. When he moved back to the states fifteen or twenty years later, my partner and I began trying to dig through his barriers. It took years and we finally made some progress. He would still not call me but he seemed happy when we reached out to him. Then he died before we could finally close the breach. I still kick myself for waiting too long and not trying hard enough. What I miss is the potential to know this man and to be loved by him. This is my story not yours and you need to do what you need to do for your own heart and soul's protection. Good luck with your choices.

Tia Anne

Quote from: Amoré on April 06, 2019, 06:27:34 AM
In my opinion it is a two way street you can't receive the whole time but never give back.

I can relate and suffered similar, I called this my "asymmetrical relationship", it becomes lopsided and essentially hopeless, where you pour all the effort into someone and they essentially snub you. I agree with the others above, it's probably time to cut your losses and move on.

It's a toxic wasteland of emotions, so sorry.

hugs

C -

I have no advice about whether you need to continue to pursue your father.   But I would add that for your sake it is important to try and find a place of forgiveness toward him in your heart.  Otherwise it leads to bitterness and resentment and then collateral damage in your life.   This has nothing to do with his behavior, it is all about you and your emotional health.

Thanks all

Well I will have a chat to my partner and ask him why he is doing this.

I made peace with my dad and all and said it is for the best for both of us if I stay away.
In the past I wanted to go and visit and was shot down. He knew I was transgender from my teen years by ending up in a hospital for injecting battery acid into my privates. It took about 6 months of drainage and stuff to heal up because the needle was also not sterilized.

He always looked past my pain never listened and I always had to do as I was told. He even chose my career for me after school. He is part of why I was trapped until the age of 27 when I actually wanted to be a woman and was very feminine from a young age.

The problem is even if you try to talk to him told him but you knew he denies it. I was told when I was a teen it is just a phase and I will grow out of it. Really then at 27 when I said I had enough it was apparently also a phase. Yeah what a phase that tortured me for my whole life. I didn't need any figuring out to know who I am or who I wanted to be from the age of about 6. That time there was no such word as transgender. It wasn't visible at all.

At 27 I just had enough of living a life that everyone else wanted me to live.Being a male when you are naturally female behaved is hell. You feel so excluded because men just generally don't talk to you. Gay men fall over their feet for you.

Being a woman fits like a perfect shoe. I can behave natural because I always behaved like a female.

How can he turn a blind eye to me being so feminine wearing makeup when I was male. My behavior. People telling him your son is gay or something.

Did he or is he still living under a rock because OMW the writing was on the wall my whole life. Instead of helping me he made my life a living hell.

Can't he just call it what it is and look back and say okay I see all of it makes sense now.

So was it really that big sup prize or just his sheer pride and ego. Hoping that a wife and child and money will let me want to be a man and fix me somehow.

I heard it all from I am selfish for doing this because what about what everyone else wants. Ummmm my life here does that count for something?

People have cut their parents out of their life if they find they are so toxic that they can't be included in their life. There is another alternative. You can slow the process down by maintaining contact by snail mail. There is something about writing a note that helps you consider your words more and the ability to revise your wording makes sure that you say what you mean. In your case I would suggest that you write a letter then set it aside for a day or two. Review the letter before sending to be sure that's what you really want to say.

If this is the only communication open to your father, he will at least need to consider his words more carefully. There is also something about the written word that makes it sink in more. Probably it's because the delivery is at the rate your brain can process it where as voice comes at the delivery rate of the other person. I don't know if it will solve the problem but maybe it will slow the communications down enough that you can tolerate the harsh words that might still come through.

Your wants and feelings in this life matter Amore.

Reading through your posts here is painful.

But I think you are brave to face this pain.

I have been so ashamed by the disgusted expression on my dads face, and the tone of his voice, that I have portrayed myself falsely many times and many years. Chicken.

Totally agree with all sentiments here that encourage any level of  peace with your dad, for YOUR sake and long-term health, if not for his or anyone elses