Hi. I haven't posted in here in a while.

I need to get this off my chest.

I keep on asking myself why I did not know I was trans and gay when I was younger. I decided to dress more androgynous (in order to not look like a girl) at age 18. About the same time, I fell for a girl for the first time (I'm bisexual). I faced difficulties with my therapist because I did not have some obvious negative feelings about my body. Now, I get them sometimes, because there is nothing else that indicates that I am a woman. I've been on and off about changing my name. I got some people call me a masculine name, I'm wondering whether to make it official, because darn, it makes me seem female. I sometimes feel like my clevage gives me away too. And... like... all the other things, like facial features or the voice. The voice isn't that bad, actually. Back on topic, I sometimes see queer girls in the street, someone with a rainbow bag or teen lesbians holding hands. I wonder: why didn't I fall for a girl earlier? I wanted to. So much. I hated dating boys. They insisted so much that I shoudl be girly. I hated being feminine. I wasn't a trans kid either. It's not that my family was homophobic or transphobic. It just didn't cross my mind. But why? Now I wear men's clothes and I hang out with guy friends to play some shooters and hit the gym. I wasn't girly, I always liked sport and never wanted to be a housewife and didn't like skirts. But still, I keep on struggling with not having... expressed this transness in the past... and keep on asking why.

I too, ask the why not earlier type questions.  I don't have a therapist, and it would break my wife's heart to tell her all...

I can't guess your age, so I hope we can avoid the generation communications gap.  I know with certainty why I 'didn't express earlier.'
 
1.  I am a product of my age.  We baby boomers were raised in social revelation; in a time of bigotry; during a period of recovery and participation in war.  Especially sensetive to America's government 'being right,' my formative years were smack dab in the late hippie era.  Free love and recreational drugs!  Oh, the horror!  My folks were Great Depression era kids, survivors and victors of the greatest international war ever fought and purveyors of the prim and proper.  They continued trying to pursue the 50's view of the perfect Amnerican family and live the Dream.  Why you ask?  Because they were raised that way.  What choice did we have as kids?  They were struggling to preserve a perfect world vision and they painted thier children in their colours.  God forbid we should be anything else but proper tin figures.  We sons and daughters of the establishment simply were not allowed to consider any path but the strictly defined gender roles they built for us.

2.  I was taught that anything other than the acceptable gender roles was a perviersion... by family, church and school.  How is a child supposed to fight that?  The result isn't a child that knows his place in the world, but one that is afraid to deviate from the teachings of the immediate world in which immersed. Not that those perversions were descrpbed..suffice it to be anything else not 'normal.'  I certainly didn't watch Walter Cronkite.

3.  Try being called in front of ones female parental unit, as a naked 9 year old, and then to be set upon and struck about the private parts with a wooden ruler for an undetermined, unidentified, unspecified reason?  Welcome to my world. Oh, by the by, this was while my dad was in 'Nam. We won't mention the rape by my much older step brother.  No we won't mention that.  At least not today we won't.

4.  Raised with unpredictable sexist discipline, then followed by a career in the homophobic military of the 80's/90's.  Do you still wonder why I had little time for reflection upon my gender identificaiton or dysphoira?

For me there is no wonder as to when or why I began heavily closeted, thinking as the world was telling me, that I was a pervert or worse.  Telling me that I had no choice but to marry and play my parrt in society to support the oppressive, rancid commercial and governmental institutions that obviously don't care about children or people whether 'normal' or not.   You find me some 40-50 years later with some sparkles and unicorns...but still subject to the whims and controls of others.

My story is different and the same as all of you here.  The stories posted to the forums presented here are not fiction, nobody could dream this *stuff* up.  Can anyone help me turn this into a book? 

Do you really wonder at why any of us did or did not "express" as a child.........perhaps the tears streaking my cheeks at the moment tell all.

-Richelle

My apologies if this is not the place to do this... but where else?  Luckly my shirt will dry first and no one will see.  It may take a bit more for my bra to dry out, though. Thanks, Susan, for giving me a place.

Don't beat yourself up about not figuring it out sooner.  While I started to wonder in maybe my 30s, I always managed to talk myself out of it.  Naw, no way, I couldn't be trans because only weird people were trans.  Yes, internal transphobia will do that.  So will societal pressures that make people laugh at, ridicule, bully and abuse trans folks.

And kids are programmed to believe their parents, no matter how ridiculous the parental guidance.  My parents told me that I was a boy.  Why would they be wrong?  All my life, I wondered why I was different from other boys.  I knew I was different, but I couldn't tell what was different.  And I thought that it must be a character flaw on my part that made me different.

It took meeting a trans person in real life and realizing that she was not a freak to break through my transphobia.  That happened at age 60, if you can believe it.  And it turns out that my experience is pretty normal.  According to some surveys, most trans people come out between ages 35 and 50.

There is no reason at all why you should have figured it out as a kid.  That is a lie that the 'phobes try to feed us.  You were just a kid, for heaven's sake.  It is only truly exceptional kids who figure it out that early.  You figure it out when you figure it out.  And here you are.

If you aren't already seeing a gender therapist, I would highly recommend it.

Its rather more common than you might think. I was born in the 70's back then the concept of being trans was seen as even more left field than it is now. Services would have been hard to get etc. Now I knew I was trans even then, but the pressure from society to conform was huge. So I decided I was gay because I knew I could not conform to a model that did not fit me. That alone wasn't nearly enough. In the end it took over 36 years to really accept the truth.

I'm in my mid twenties.

Hmmm. I'm sorry to hear all of this, damalie. I have never faced any of this myself, but I you have my compassion.

It never crossed my mind that anything could be going on with my gender until puberty. I was not a girly girl, but I was not very masculine either. At the beginning of puberty I started to feel like I must be a boy inside. But I phrased it differently. In my mind, I couldn't be transgender, because transgender folks know since kindergarten and felt clearly and literally that they are the opposite sex. I did not have that clear coviction.

But it's not only the cisgender people who claim that you need to know since an early age and display obvious signs of being transgender in order to be it. A lot of transgender people say this too. Like, you're not really trans, you're just confused and talked yourself into it. Not to speak of mental health professionals. There is this whole "childhood onset gender dyshoria" thing after all.

My environment wasn't in any way discouraging of the LGBT. And that is what makes me the most confused. I can't recall any transphobic or transphobic comments (let alone anything more negative) or pressuring into gender roles too much.

Thank you all for your responses.

Jamie-lee, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I didn't have any questioning of my gender until I was 11 or so, when I started learning about puberty. Nevertheless, the gender therapist I just started going to a couple of weeks ago (she's my first!) isn't in the least bit concerned about that, and fully accepts me as transgender.

The "knew from when they were a toddler" narrative just doesn't fit all transgender people, and as you can see from the members of this forum, many don't fit that narrative, and have been able to transition and are accepted.

I'm one of the people who "knew" since I was a toddler. But I did not have words for my dysphoria until I was 27.

I knew I was in the wrong body. But did not have anyone to ask about it. I hid it well behind being a bisexual butch.

Internet made a huge change in my life. When I found other transgendered people online I finally understood myself.

The feeling of doom from Crashing my family (husband and two kids) too much work (workoholic to forget) and that one of the kids having autism made my world crumble. I almost committed suicide. Was thrown behind locked doors at the psych ward for 6 months with a full blown psychosis.

6 years later I have recovered enough to have a perspective on life. And went to my psychiatrist and said I need to see the gender specialist team.

So. I'm 41 today.  I just got my diagnose. You need to have a diagnose in Sweden to get access to treatments. I'm on my way.

Just because you know since childhood does not mean you transition early.

Sometimes you need to have a different perspective on life. A life changer. A point of no return.


Tony

Quote from: jamie-lee on April 10, 2019, 08:56:22 AMHi. I haven't posted in here in a while.

I need to get this off my chest.

I keep on asking myself why I did not know I was trans and gay when I was younger. I decided to dress more androgynous (in order to not look like a girl) at age 18. About the same time, I fell for a girl for the first time (I'm bisexual). I faced difficulties with my therapist because I did not have some obvious negative feelings about my body. Now, I get them sometimes, because there is nothing else that indicates that I am a woman. I've been on and off about changing my name. I got some people call me a masculine name, I'm wondering whether to make it official, because darn, it makes me seem female. I sometimes feel like my clevage gives me away too. And... like... all the other things, like facial features or the voice. The voice isn't that bad, actually. Back on topic, I sometimes see queer girls in the street, someone with a rainbow bag or teen lesbians holding hands. I wonder: why didn't I fall for a girl earlier? I wanted to. So much. I hated dating boys. They insisted so much that I shoudl be girly. I hated being feminine. I wasn't a trans kid either. It's not that my family was homophobic or transphobic. It just didn't cross my mind. But why? Now I wear men's clothes and I hang out with guy friends to play some shooters and hit the gym. I wasn't girly, I always liked sport and never wanted to be a housewife and didn't like skirts. But still, I keep on struggling with not having... expressed this transness in the past... and keep on asking why.

I'm answering this without having read any other responses, so be warned.

First off, calm down, its okay.  You did what  you thought was expected of you in this society.  It's okay, many, many of us fell for that.  don't worry about the past, the past is just that.  Past.  Instead, start looking towards the future.

What can you do to be happy with yourself?  Will taking hormones make you happy?  Surgery?  Social changing only?  Either way, I think you should find a gender therapist to speak to about your troubles.  Don't worry, it doesn't mean you're crazy or anything.  they are simply there to help you find your true self.  That person that resides under all the layers you had to put on in order to "fit in."  If those layers aren't making you happy, then maybe its time to throw away those layers and let the real you come out.

There's nothing wrong with falling for a girl.  Nor with being bi.  Both are normal sexual preferences.  Be with whomever makes you happy.  That's what's important.

Not every trans person "hates their body."  I certainly don't.  Some trans people, myself included, simply accept what we're born with.  sure, I plan on changing some surgically, but I definitely don't "hate" my chest.  It's simply not needed.  It gets in the way of me being able to go topless in the summer.  It makes me sweat under three layers (binder, sleeveless undershirt and t-shirt) in the summer.  It means I have to wear a binder and a t-shirt when I want to go swimming.  My chest is simply in the way.  so I'm hoping to have top surgery a year from now to get these "obstructions" out of my way so that I can live my life the way I want.  Nothing more.

If you found a name that works for you, wonderful!  If not, keep searching until one "fits" before you change it.  And even after you legally change it, it it no longer works, change it again!  There is no law on how many times you can change your name legally, as long as you have the money for it, change it as much as you need to.

Have you found a binder for yourself yet?  It sounds like you are lowkey looking for one.  If so, feel free to ask about where and when to get one.  There are companies out there that have excellent customer service, and would be more than willing to help you measure properly for a good fit.  If binders aren't your thing, then that's also okay.  Some men wear sports bras.  some wear nothing.  The choice is yours.

If you go on HRT, chances are your face will change to become more masculine.  Depending on your genetics, you might end up looking more like your father, brother or some other male member of your family.  Its difficult to say, but you'd more than likely lose some of the facial roundness that many females have.  The same with your body fat distribution, again depending on your genetics.

Don't let anyone "tell you" how to dress!  You wear what feels good for you! 

Don't worry about "not being a trans kid."  Some people don't realize they're transgender until well into adulthood.  Everyone is different.

Men's clothes make you happy?  GOOD!  Wear what makes you happy!  Want to play shooters and hit the gym?  GOOD!  Again, do what makes you happy!

Bottom line is this: as long as you're happy and you don't hurt yourself, it's okay!

Many of us have been where you are, so feel free to talk to us here.  That's what this forum's for, to help each other and give each other support...among other things. 

Take care and be happy! 

Ryuichi

Hello Jamie-lee

As it happens I knew I was trans as a child but I promise you that is not a qualification for being trans. You can realize you are trans at any age from 4-84.

Secondly most of us (but not all of us) and the medical profession today consider gender identity and sexual orientation to be separate unrelated subjects. A transman or a transwoman may be attracted to a man or woman or to neither or both.

So please do not worry about these 2 points. As others have advised, consider help from a gender therapist but most importantly live as you wish to live and enjoy life.

I wish you every success on your journey.

Hugs

Pamela

It's reassuring to hear that there are many people like me.

It was also the case that I didn't have the words for it in my teens.
I came out at 20, though.
True, my story also had a turning point. I was trying to be a girl in order to get a boyfriend. I got a boyfriend. But I felt so fake. Like it wasn't me. I wasn't happy with where pretending to be a girl got me, so I quit it. I came to understand why I feel like a mere observer in that.

Thank you for such a detailed reply Ryuichi.

I'm already seeing a gender therapist, but it doesn't solve everything, it seems.

I can remember knowing I was supposed to be a girl, but was in a male body. This is from a very young age. It wasn't spoken of, in the 70's and 80's when I grew up. I hid everything. I knew if I expressed myself, it would be my doom.. I'm so grateful for this new era if you will., where it can be expressed, and while the understanding isn't always there, it's getting better.

Quote from: jamie-lee on April 11, 2019, 01:46:33 PM
It's reassuring to hear that there are many people like me.

It was also the case that I didn't have the words for it in my teens.
I came out at 20, though.
True, my story also had a turning point. I was trying to be a girl in order to get a boyfriend. I got a boyfriend. But I felt so fake. Like it wasn't me. I wasn't happy with where pretending to be a girl got me, so I quit it. I came to understand why I feel like a mere observer in that.

Thank you for such a detailed reply Ryuichi.

I'm already seeing a gender therapist, but it doesn't solve everything, it seems.

Yeah, you may be in a tiny minority of Society, but you're definitely not alone! 

I did similar.  I got married, had a kid and tried to "fit in."  And for a while, it worked.  Of course, I was in total denial at the time, but once I decided to be true to myself, my authentic self slowly came forward.  In the '90s, there weren't a such thing as "transgender," so I thought I was the only one "born in the wrong body."  It actually wasn't until 2014 that I found out I wasn't alone.  That was a major turning point for me!  I researched, left my home state to be with my (transgender genderfluid) boyfriend, am in the process of transitioning into the man I should have been born as, and I haven't looked back! 

So to some degree, I was where you are/were, jamie-lee.  I totally get it. Many, many of those here on the forum "get it."  Trying to fit into Society and lying to yourself isn't fun.  Thus we seek ot places like this, and eventually many of us end up become our true selves. 

I'm glad you're seeing a gender therapist, good ones are truly a godsend! 

Take care and be well!

Ryuichi

Quote from: Stephk on April 11, 2019, 07:08:57 PM

I'm so grateful for this new era if you will., where it can be expressed, and while the understanding isn't always there, it's getting better.

I agree completely! This new era (which in my opinion started around 2005) is so much better such that we may express our true selves. Things are certainly improving.

Hugs

Pamela

I was born in 1957, it wouldn't have happened in the 60s or 70s

I was a tomboy growing up and my parents were super liberal about the whole thing so I never ever was told I couldn't do something because i "was a girl". As a result, right up till puberty my gender had no real significance to anything. I think I might have been far more miserable and dysphoric had I been forced to wear dresses and play only with dolls and not permitted to roll around in mud and stuff lol.

I was super awkward around girls for sure, but I was never excluded from having male friends either. But the older I got the more bewildering I found female interaction for sure. I felt like an alien, an imposter among them. I just didn't understand. Of course as an adult I now know there were several things at play there. Not only my gender identity but as a demisexual panromantic austistic I didn't really stand a chance with preteen girls right?

But puberty was traumatic. I always assumed it was traumatic for anyone. I didn't WANT to be a woman and I didn't want to grow up but I didn't really understand. I was under the impression I had no choice, my body was changing and I hated it but I didn't really know WHY I hated it beyond that it made me feel "like a freak"
I hated being different, I hated having boobs and I resented a body that was changing around me in such confusing and unpleasant ways.

I could never admit I was menstrating, I was SO ASHAMED. I wore tight vests to hide my bust. I only started to shave because the other kids started to tease me in the changing rooms and made me self concious about not looking "right"
And even when the other girls started to go through puberty as well I still just felt horribly awkward and uncomfortable about the whole thing.

In my teens I found I got on better with guys, they made more sense to me. I didn't feel quite as much of an imposter around them. I could actually be ME, the me that's not at all feminine or particularly good at the whole female communication thing (socially girls really do communicate differently to guys, it's kinda wierd actually)
I found girls petty, two faced and vindictive and grew to resent them because of my unpleasant interactions with them unfortunately.
I couldn't understand WHY I didn't fit in with them. It wasn't that I particualrly wanted to, I just thought I was SUPPOSED to.
Social conditioning is a powerful thing.

Once I fell out with literally every girl in my class at a party (eugh) and was forced to have to hang out with the guys instead I found myself honestly a lot happier.
Ultimately, that horrible experience I think did me some good. It pushed me across the gender divide by neccessity and I realised I vastly preferred that side of the fence.

As I reached my late teens I started to joke that I was "a boy brain in a girl body" and everyone around me would laugh and agree. NONE of us put two and two together.

I didn't present with any major dysphoria. I was under the impression that to be transgender you had to literally sit in front of a mirror and cry and want to rip your own skin off! That's what media and society had told me! Gender dysphoria was greatly traumatising and painful, and I wasn't traumatised by being in my body. I didn't much like it sure, but I assumed ALL women weren't overly enthused about being female. I mean we had the whole pms and periods thing for a start, which always sucked, and societal expectations and sexism and all that. What was there to like about it?
But because I didn't want to rip my own skin off I assumed this was just normal "bah, down with the patriarchy" thinking.

At the time I NEVER noticed my behaviour wasn't normal, my kinda numb "it's all i've got" attitude toward my body wasn't totally normal and that my "i'm a guy in a girl body" jokes weren't really jokes.

I grew up, I had kids, I battled with my poor health as a result of my biological sex (Hormonal disorders suck) and I grew to resent my body sure, feeling like it was failing and betraying me and wishing more and more I didn't have to deal with it, but I was still in this denial fog. I was depressed for many reasons, I was struggling with life in general and that took priority. Caring for my children took priority.
I became the least important thing in my own life and so I sank into a dull routine. Slowly my sense of self started to just disappear all the more and it wasn't till recently when I finally got given antidepressants that WORKED that the fog started to lift and I came to realise that i'd really just been going through the motions for so many  years. That i'd been wearing a costume all this time, a mask to just get by. Several really. A neurotypical mask. A girl mask. A "i'm happy really" mask.

I'd lost myself. I wasn't me, I was who other people expected me to be. For so many years i'd been told "oh you're such a HAPPY person" (I wasn't), "you're so CONFIDENT" (I never was), "you look nice" (I didn't think I did.)

I was wearing clothes I was given because it meant I didn't have to go clothes shopping, a process I had, over the years, found increasingly more and more distressing. I found trying on clothes that didn't suit me or didn't fit me incredibly depressing and stopped wanting to do it. My mother would still try to drag me into stores but I resented it. I hated it. I felt she was torturing me without really listening to me telling her "I don't want to be here, I don't like this."
But just taking items she gave me meant I didn't have to set foot into a shop, even if I didn't really like it, it was clean, it was clothing, it was free.
And it would be ungrateful not to accept.
So I was wearing clothing that wasn't me, clothing I just sort of tolerated because it wasn't massively uncomfortable and I didn't really need to look at myself.

I'd ceased looking at myself in mirrors, banned people taking photos because I didn't recognise myself (Weight gain contributed a large deal to this) and supressed a flinch every time my mother found some new fad diet to follow and commented that I had "lost weight" (i hadn't, she was lying)

I didn't know myself anymore. I was just a shell, functioning but not really living.

But as the fog cleared I started to realise that that feeling I got when I DID look in the mirror and remarked "wow, looks like someone photoshopped my head onto someone else's body" WAS dysphoria.
that dysphoria didn't always look like how the media portrayed it.
That sometimes it's not "i want to rip my skin off" but a more subtle insidious "I don't quite feel right and I don't know why" feeling.

and I think growing up female masks and awful lot of the worst sensations of "not fitting in" or "not being quite right" because girls are actively encouraged to BE gender non conforming anyway.

And so you explain things away, justify things to yourself, wrap yourself up in a big ball of denial because it's easier and because nobody TOLD YOU there was any choice, nobody told you what you felt WAS dysphoria.
Nodody ever asked "hey, you think maybe you might actually not be a girl?"

And when I told my husband this, over the next few days we both started to unravel my past and both of us would go "wait.. how'd we never see that before?"
All those times i'd called myself a boy. All those times i'd mentioned I couldnt' write female characters because I found it really difficult to get into the mind of a girl (eugh), all those times i'd complain that something a woman in my life had done made no dang sense and I didn't get women at all (I don't, women bewilder me), all those times i'd said things like "I wish I had a penis" or "Damn I wish i'd been born a boy". All the times i'd described myself as a guy in a girl's body.

I grew up in the 90s but to be honest, it wasn't till the mid 2000s I really started to pay much attention to lgbt stuff.

It doesn't help that for so so long all the trans narratives weren't just "trauma, trauma, dysphoria is such torture" but were ALWAYS MtF.
the idea of FtM wasn't something on my radar till much later.

I'd dip into that world, facinated by the transformations, but what just hormones alone could do to someone's features and how confident and happy these youtubers seemed to be and then i'd go back to my shadow of a life without making any connection.

In fact it wasn't till I read someone saying "if you've ever questioned your gender identity, you're probably not Cis" that I started to think "Oh... maybe i'm not"

I flirted with gender fluidity, for years i've had "boy days" where i'd dressed in a more boyish way but that was always just a bit of fun... I thought.
I mean I am a person who for years also had "today I am a pirate" and "today I am a zombie" so...
it was just "another costume"

Right now i'm still working things out, figuring out who the real ME is but one thing is certain, I never was and never have been a GIRL.
It took me over 30 years to work that out and stop doing mental gymnastics to lie to myself.

and it's rather liberating to realise I don't HAVE to be a girl and I don't HAVE to be the person other people want me to be.

For the first time in so so long I can look in the mirror and see a face I actually recognise.
I'm still more feminine than i'd like to be of course, next month I intend to cut my hair AGAIN (I only just had it cut to shoulder length as a sort of test to see how I liked having it shorter, having never really been permitted to have my hair cut dramatically in my youth and believing my mother when she claimed i'd regret it and it was too much work. She lied, and it's MY hair. The past couple of years i've finally accepted that it's MY body and she had no say. But that's been a difficult process. I suppose I still do care about what she thinks, desperate for her love and approval. Which is sad)
I feel like once my hair is a bit more androgynous I should be able to judge what I want to do next a bit better.

I went clothes shopping for the first time in a very very long time and I bought ONLY male clothing and you know what? I actually ENJOYED it. I enjoyed being able to put on pants and have them FIT and be comfortable. I enjoyed going through all the garments i've always loved but never been able to convince my partners to wear (turns out I just wanted to dress them the way I wanted to dress hahaha) and i've felt more comfortable in my own skin than I have in well.. ever.
I bound my chest for the first time in a changing room and let me tell you, I NEVER expected to almost burst into tears trying on a compressing sports bra but I nearly did.
I assumed i'd try it on, go "yep, that'll do fine" and move on like I do with t-shirts and stuff. I didn't expect such a surge of emotion. I left the changing room GIDDY!

and that right there was my confirmation. I never realised how much I hated my breasts till that moment.
All my life i've just sort of had this dull dislike for my body, a detatched numbness. Like.. it's just there.
I tend not to look at it much.

tl:dr, I think it's actually not that uncommon to not realise as a child. Quite a lot of people don't come to know their true selves till they're older. That stuff takes time, but we're also very very good at lying to ourselves.
Very good at deluding ourselves and conforming because we feel that's what we're MEANT to do.

I've had a lot of realisations about myself in my adulthood. I realised I was bi when i was about 17 or 18 but I didn't really realise I was actually demisexual till I was in my mid twenties. I knew I didn't experience primary sexual attraction but honestly I thought that was NORMAL!
I didn't realise! Nobody ever told me!

I didn't really understand I was dypraxic till about 21 when the problems I had in university got too much and I sought help and assessment from the university itself. Suddenly those years of sitting in class sobbing and feeling like a moron because I couldn't remember how to do something I could do perfectly the day before made sense. My inability to tell left from right or read clocks wasn't just me being stupid like i'd always been made to believe. I had a learning disability!

and it wasn't till I was in my late twenties I came to understand that i'm also quite probably autistic. It explains SO MUCH about my childhood and the older my kids get (who ARE diagnosed) the more of me I see in their behaviours and stims.

But in the 90s, in NZ, even in the big city, these things we had no real understanding of. They weren't talked about, they weren't mentioned, in many cases we didn't really have the words in common knowledge. Much like being trans, I knew nobody who was anything other than straight or gay, I knew nobody who was dyspraxic rather than dyslexic (I have NO dyslexic traits at all apparently, which is unusual), I knew nobody who was autistic or even really what aspergers WAS.
I didn't know. Nobody knew. We didn't have the vocabulary or the understanding.

Knowing those things, so much makes sense. had we known back then, so much would have been different. I wouldn't have been punished so much, i'd have had support. I wouldn't have grown to hate myself quite so much.
but it didn't, we didn't know.

Later generations are fortunate that we DO understand a lot more than we did 20-30 years ago. My own children are SO LUCKY that they're growing up in an era that understands neuro divergance, that understands gender non conformity and isn't so scared of it. When my youngest declared himself a girl for 6 months everyone just rolled with it, when he said he was going to be a boy again we all just went "okay cool" and went with it. Even his nursery and school genuinely don't seem to care if he goes into school wearing a skirt or carrying a handbag. I've had NOBODY ever say a thing about it other than to smile and remark upon how confident and happy he is.

Point is, there's so much more acceptance and understanding and I hope that means that later generations are going to find it far easier to find the words to express who they really are, find the support and community.

I look forward to that.

and in the meantime, for those of us only just finding those words? Well, better late than never right?

Thanks Ryuichi!

Filrting with gender fluidity. Well said. Me too.
I felt like ripping my skin off at times, but I was quite emo as a teenager at times, so nothing too outstanding about it. I had all sorts of dramatic and depressive thoughts. Oh well, at least I can write poems, lol.

You should definitely give short hair a try FMP. It's just hair, it grows back if you don't like it. But if you like it, short hair is really the best.

I feel the same about men's clothes. I had such a problem dressing myself as a girl! I was extremely picky and the clothes made me feel uncomfortable. When I go to the men's department, I can actually enjoy the shopping. I'm also not as picky with menms clothes. I can grap pretty much whatever and be happy with it. It took some time, though, to get past the notion that oh my, wearing men's clothes would make me look like a man and I will be unattractive and won't have a boyfriend. And to get past the notion that those clothes don't fit me and get used to the looser fit, the style. After all this time being told that loose clothes are ugly.

I used to also not understand girls especially in puberty. I guess I developed more understanding and emotional awareness in general as an adult already.

Maybe it played a role in not realising being trans that my parents were very liberal too. Gender had no real significance for me too until puberty.

My story growing up was so much different to the one of most writers here.  When I was born, somebody (parents had no say in this) decided I should be made into a male.  A little cutting and stitching, and a fine male baby was created.  My parents told me that they wished i would have been a girl, and they allowed me to grow up like one along with my 2 years older sister (I wore her hand-me-down stuff).  All that ended when I had to start school, because I had to be a boy now.  This did not bother me, because I cannot remember that I had any gender identity for most of my life (seems to be pretty common with intersex popele).  I was told that I am a boy, I tried to be a boy.  The real traumatic times started when puberty came, all my friends did change into manly beings, getting tougher skin, and getting hair all over their body,  and developing a deep voice, and growing an Adams Apple.  And here I was, not developing any secondary sex characteristics, no hair on my body (just a little timid pubic hair with the typical girl type growth pattern), no deep voice, no Adams Apple, just a girlish looking rather tall person with wimpy muscles.  I never liked to participate in any team sports or other rough boys activities, I preferred to hang out with the girls, but they did not really want me either, because I was supposed to be a boy!
And I always liked to go shopping, buying clothing for me was one of my highlights (and it still is, I was the guy who owned 30 pairs of shoes.  My girlfriends know they just to need to mention shopping, and my eyes start to sparkle). 
My acceptance by females increased quite a bit, when the dating age started.  I was always well groomed (my dad complained that I would spend way more time in front of the bathroom mirror than my sister did, and today I know that I actually always was the more girlish person of the two of us), and emotionally I was way closer to the girls than the other guys.  I almost could feel what they would want me to do or prefer.  I had no problem to get a girl friend, keeping her was my problem, because as soon as the girls expected me to act manly, I failed.
I found a wonderful, very beautiful, and feminine wife, and we had one son.  Our marriage lastet many years, mainly because my wife was, as feminine as she looked, more of the butch type, and I was happy about that!  Our marriage exploded eventually, because my body allowed me no longer, to act as a man (I had a female menopause), and my wife did not want to be in a lesbian relationship. 
After our divorce I slowly stated to become a woman, and put my body back into the condition it should have had all along.  I still need some surgery to correct what was done to me as a baby.  But I am living as the happy woman who I should have been all my life.  And I finally have a gender identity!
I am a female!

Note:
I have wonderful XX female chromosomes, if jut that one pesty Y would not linger around anymore inside my body!

Well I know why I didn't express it when I was young - it's because I didn't know the word for it or that it was a thing. But I knew I didn't connect with others and I knew I was different in some inexplicable way.

Unlike most people though, I did not even try to fit in. I accepted my difference in my own head from day one, as an unfortunate reality. I also accepted the idea that my body was female, and decided to ignore it for many years. I still think it's female, quite honestly - it is. It's an XX human female body, no matter what I do to it. However, that doesn't matter when you live life how you need to, and present how you need to. I know that what I am as a whole probably defies any current satisfactory definition in the science/med/psych field, but that's okay because I know who I am and what I want in life. You don't have to find the "philosophical answer" to what you are through other people's definitions. You also do not have to transition to find the answer.