This has been a rough road for me. The mental stress caused a hospitalization of 2 weeks for a mental break down. Nothing was turning out like how people on the boards say theirs do. I would get called she, then he, then she, then on days where I didn't want to be trans; I would wear a mens polo golf shirt, (girls pants but no way to know that besides the fit since guys pants don't fit anymore) and all other guy clothes. Hair tied back under a hat. I will still get called she most places. Even after I talk, but I do have a soft tone and speak eloquently. But they didn't happen before hormones I would have noticed and liked it.
I thought through 100+hours of weekly therapy with a LGBT trans specialist and trans only doctor I go to the point where I could accept being trans female on the inside but knowing I would never be female. I lost my eye sight got used to that, lost my mobility and became perinatally disabled always in pain got ?getting through that. So I just treat trans like one of those other bad things I would fix through therapy CBT cog therapy.
So over the last few months I decided to go back on to low test and quit trans therapy. Last week I was ready to call the doctors that day. But then going to my eye doctors EVERY person called me miss/maam, and I was wearing all male clothes (I have been on HRT for 1.5 years and they have been working really well, BUT DAMNIT I want to look like a hot CIS girl not just an OK trans girl or plain cis girl!!! EERRRGGG WTF this made lots on anger in my life)) I walk with a blind stick since I'm legally blind and was at my eye doctors and went into the mens room. As soon as I opened the door all the guys stared at me and said "wrong bathroom" "this is the mess room" They though I was a blind lady in the wrong bath room, but now that I think about it I WAS IN THE WRONG BATHROOM. I felt totally uncomfortable in there as its weird to pee around men just always felt that way, never got over it in my 30 years. I would use the private bath when ever I could. Mind you when I dressed female I could never step foot in a mens room with every person grabbing my arm (I'm 5'2" I cant really fight back) to help the poor blind girl find the ladies room. I love chivalry and 50% of the reason when I transitioned was just to enjoy it
So today was supposed to be the day I called up all my doc therapists and groups to tell them I was going on the straight and narrow. BUT I couldn't. All those interaction were calling me female? I have a nice set of boobs and butt and the fat on my face has changed along with legs and well really everything, no way to undo all that the boob and butt would require sugary plus the fem face on an already fem jaw cheek bones.
It's 3:00AM here right now I get up at 3:00AM and go to bed at 7:00pm (like an old person) I never stay up this late but I have been doing my make up putting on different out fits (Right now I have a one piece dress/classy but not formal/ that really shows off my chest some thing it didn't do when I bought this in my cross dressing days: it looked just awful hugging to the non curves.
I digress. Think long an hard about it. For the first time in three months I have my hair done up all my make up done up (body hairs not really a problem since laser and HRT) Mani Pedi looking cute wearing heals just around the house because I can. I had to give it up other wise I think I would have ended up DE transitioning later in life when beauty is not so kind. Everyone calls sees treats me like a women, I have always wanted to be one since age 4. I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO
I write this so that other who feel this probably 90% will to some degree can read this and realize it was the right thing to do. A caveat : During the whole time I have been on HRT I never skipped dosses or went off then on, that wreaks havoc with you body and mind and is a night mare for your doctor to treat. I got on HRT so that I could look feel physically like a girl. A week into them I realized that regardless of the physical effects I had to stay on the E because it was fixing depression 100 other SSRI SSNRI tricyclic tera cyclic mood stabilizer seizure drugs. TMS magnetic therapy couldn't improve my mood as much as one week of estrogen. BUT in my case the estrogen changed ever part of me but before this sounds like a magic solution everyone can be like this. I have had endocrine problems since in the womb where now scientists are finding out that's what causes transsexual babies. We knew at age 4 if you experience isn't like mine this might not have any bearing on you. My goal one day is to write a set of encyclopedia volumes in the style of the Bentley auto motive repair guides.
If my parents had a manual I would have had a vagina at age 18 with no regrets. After this weeks realization I might have one here.
Thanks for listening: I found I was trans be seeing a trans girl who had about 6 other DSM and quirks like me and that got me to listen to what she had to say
I forgot how good/natural it feels to be in the right clothes. I'm never wearing pants again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
