Hello, this is my first post.   I am somewhere on the transgender spectrum but it's confusing sometimes.  My wife, my therapist and sometimes even I do not quite understand this transition and my goals.  To be clear I feel female, in my minds eye I see myself as female.  There are times where the simple sight of my hands or hairy forearms sendsme into a depression as they do not fit my reality. 

I started HRT almost three years ago but had to stop as the blood tests with no insurance were killing me.  I recently got insurance and I talked the PCP at my works clinic into starting me on spiro again.  She also said that she would run the blood tests at her clinic, no cost if I found a doctor to oversee the HRT. 

My wife and councilor are supportive but seem confused that I don't want to go all the way.  Given my age 50+ and my build, my deep voice and all...I don't see full transition as a practical reality.  Right now, I am content to just be moving more in the direction of being more feminine. 

Is it odd to feel that way?  Both my wife and councilor seem to understand the desire to fully transition but operating somewhere in the middle bothers them.  It bothers me a little that I cannot picture or articulate what my end goal is.  For me, it's enough to say that I seek to be happy and content with myself and to hope that I will know what that is when I get there.   

I see so many new names and terms popping up and some are quite confusing.  My question is this: am I transgender, non-bianary or something else? Or does it even matter, is it possible to just be on a journey and not know the destination?

Hello again Bea! 

You are so brave, and you are very lucky to have the support and the love of your wife in this "complicated path". The most important thing is to feel in peace with yourself, you don't have to do anything that you are not sure or comfortable about it. There are a lot of different types of transitions and all of them are right. Just let the time pass and you will know what you really want to be happy.

Hug. 

Hi Bea1968 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

I'm 65 and also have doubts about transitioning.  I just started HRT on Wednesday and hope to get some developments in that regard.  Cost is not an issue for me, as I live in Ontario, so the only cost to me is $4.11 dispensing fee on prescriptions and gas/parking when I go to the endocrinologist.  Parking alone was almost as much as a months supply of Estradiol would be without the drug plan.

That is quite fortunate, my first set of blood tests cost around $900.00.    There are many out there who face similar challenges. I am glad I found help.  Just being who we are should not cost all we earn.   

Hi, Bea.  Congratulations on restarting HRT!

Don't worry about labels,  You'll know the right label when it fits.  I don't think there is much doubt that you are transgender, but where exactly you fit is for you to determine.  You can be binary, non-binary, gender-fluid; you can transition part-way or all the way.  It's all good.

This journey that we are all on is about feeling good about who we are.  Like any journey, it begins with a single step, and it continues one step at a time.  Relax!

I am 64, and I came out to my wife three years ago.  At that time, I wasn't sure if I wanted to transition fully or what I really wanted.  As time passed and I took more steps, the next step seemed to get clearer each time.  Now I am waiting to get a surgery date.  The important thing is that I am happy with the direction that my life is taking.  Being happy with yourself is the goal.

Bea Thank you for having the courage to post what many reading probably feel.

KathyLauren gave you excellent advice.  I will add my 2 cents. Well in my case it usually turns into more like 25 cents 

This is a journey and the path is foggy. It takes time to figure it out.  But you have started.  I have some thoughts about your post.

Your therapist may or may not be the right one for YOU.  Their job is not to tell you the right or wrong path or how you should do this.  Their job is to help you find that for yourself. 

I believe gender is a spectrum.  Cis, binary trans, non binary, gender non conforming etc etc.

You are who you think you are.  But you have to search yourself and it may not happen overnight.  Listen to your heart. You know the answers deep down.  What blurs our insight into ourselves is fear.  What will people think?  How will I look?  Will people think I am crazy? On and on and on.

We have to live as who WE are.  You have one life don't spend it hiding.

You mention your appearance.  Mine kept me in the closet for 55 years.  I am 6'2"  200+ pounds - I look like a football player.  That is why I told myself I didn't transition.  The real reason I have learned is I cared what people thought about me.

It is tough to beat down that fear.  That is the reason for my signature line below.  We can help you but most of all it has to come from within.

I have only had an orchiectomy and HRT.  I am no beauty but what I am is a woman.  Legally - my birth cert DL etc etc.  but more importantly I know who I am.  Deep down you do too.

I am going to post a couple pics of me below to prove my point.  If I can do this ANYBODY can do it including YOU.

1st pic a day before I started electrolysis.  2nd about 6 months into transition wearing a wig. 3rd sometime last fall with my hair grown out.

Do I look that different?  Not really.  No surgery, no shorter just an orchie and HRT.  You can do this.

Welcome to Susan's Place. Sometimes people don't know at first where they are on the gender spectrum. In cases like that, you just keep doing a little at a time and you will know if you went too far. There is nothing wrong with not doing a full transition as long as your happy with your life. Our WIKI may help your sort the terms out and then it's just a matter of matching how you feel to the terms. The non binary can be confusing because the non binary is so varied that there may not be a term that describes how a person feels. Just keep chipping away at it and you will find where you belong.

I'm trans but am unlikely to start HRT, as I'm 5'3, 108lbs, with an hourglass figure. And my voice "passes." The risks just aren't worth it for me.  Everyone is different.  You need to  figure out what is right for you.  It may help to talk about stuff with your  SO.  At least keep her informed as best you can.

The perfect transgender person don't exist, and gender is a spectrum who can be binary or no, just be who you are and be happy

if you hate ur hair in your arms, just depilate it

Welcome 

Going slow and allowing your wife the time and space to process the changes, not a bad idea...

There is no time schedule, no deadlines, no competition, only you being comfortable with yourself.

Do enjoy your time here at Susan's place

Hugs

Cynthia -

Hi Bea.  I started dealing with my gender issues at 45.  I like to think of it as a train trip.  at each station, i get off for a while and see how comfortable i am living there.  after three years on the journey, i think i have one more stop (ffs), and then i'll have found a new place to call home.

one thing i've learned along the way i though is never say never.

Thank you everyone for your honest answers and support.   

Hello,

I have come to understand that we all have a mental image of who we are. Reaching that image may or may not be achievable with the current level of medicine and technology. Not everybody has the same image and not everybody needs to have srs to feel comfortable with themselves. Do what you feel you need to and can. Leave the rest.
That said, what you want today may change tomorrow.

I think just about everyone here can relate to body dysphoria on some level. Mine is of a kind where I will eventually have SRS. Time will tell if I can have FFS as the scars from it are hidden in the hairline which I no longer have. Interestingly enough, my hypothyroid condition resulted in all of the hair disappearing from my arms and legs. Electrolysis is working on my face, albeit slowly.

The only label I concern myself with is "me". I know that "me" is a trans woman who really dislikes her nose and male bits. Someday I hope that I can get both addressed medically.

You may not know what your "me" is yet, but it sounds like you have some ideas, and that is a great place to start.

Ricki