Not so long ago I, once again, purged my female clothes to try and suppress my feelings of wanting to be feminine.  I didn't have much of a wardrobe that I got rid of but today I found myself on Amazon looking at clothes and making some purchases.  One of these days I'm just going to have to realize this isn't something that's just going to go away and I need to really deal with it.  Am I the only one in this boat or is this fairly common?

I keep thinking of how much therapy I could've paid for with all the money in clothes I've replaced over the years...  Oh well c'est la vie.

I have gone through several purges in my life.  Some self imposed, some a reaction to my ex wife's attitude about me.  It hurts.  It's a sad time.  It's always about taking something important about myself and denying it. Hiding it.  Hang in there and persevere.

Bea

@Katie V
Dear Katie:
Best thing that you can do is to sort out your desires and do be aware that personal decisions about transitioning are very serious especially if HRT, hair removal, eyebrow shaping, surgical procedures, etc are done... they are life changing alterations.   
So, to answer your last question... many of us that are transitioning or have transitioned went through moments of self doubt, hesitation, and uncertainty.   
You are definitely not alone in that regard.

Please keep us all updated regarding your future events.
Best wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Katie V on April 30, 2019, 02:19:21 PM
Not so long ago I, once again, purged my female clothes to try and suppress my feelings of wanting to be feminine.  I didn't have much of a wardrobe that I got rid of but today I found myself on Amazon looking at clothes and making some purchases.  One of these days I'm just going to have to realize this isn't something that's just going to go away and I need to really deal with it.  Am I the only one in this boat or is this fairly common?

I keep thinking of how much therapy I could've paid for with all the money in clothes I've replaced over the years...  Oh well c'est la vie.

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Acquiring a wardrobe and purging it is a cycle that many - perhaps most - of us go through.  It was the realization that the urge to dress was overpowering and couldn't be stopped that convinced me that I had to do something.

Dysphoria is like that.  It doesn't go away, no matter how much wishful thinking we engage in.  And it gradually gets stronger over time.

Quote from: Katie V on April 30, 2019, 02:19:21 PM
Am I the only one in this boat or is this fairly common?

Not only common but pretty much darn near universal.  We've all been thru purging.  It's part of the journey.  It's based on the idea that "there is something wrong with me."  Which is a false assumption.  There is nothing wrong with you.  You feel bad because of the social stigma associated with being transgender.

It's bargaining (see Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief). 

It basically amounts to doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Hello Katie

It is common and indeed customary for millions of us. I crossdressed and bodyshaved for decades and thought I could keep my transgender status at bay. The trouble is the GD can only be temporarily suppressed and comes back usually at a higher rate each time. My GD became so dominant that I was forced to seek therapy aged 62 followed by HRT and I am publicly transitioning in Summer aged 64. I suggest that as you suspect, it would be really worthwhile for you to seek help from a gender therapist.

I wish you happiness and success whichever options you choose to take.

Hugs

Pamela

I agree with what the others said... seems to be very common. I purged about 4x in my life so far... including keeping clippings from magazines and newspapers of trans related articles. I had a photo of myself fully dressed and burned that too. Genuinely thought I had it under control but was deluding myself.  Add a host of other things to the list too... like growing a beard, full contact martial arts, weight lifting, and so on. Doesn't make the dysphoria go away... just makes it come back worse than ever.

Best to deal with it properly through specialists as young as you can instead of trying to suppress it. Nothing I would like more than to crawl under a rock and hide again... but for how long before it hits me worse again. Needs to be dealt with now. 

Katie,

    My heart goes out to you. I don't know your age, but I have been in the cycle you mentioned for over forty years. I would buy some clothes to wear (just one outfit usually) and then guilt would come and I would purge everything. I am not exaggerating but I probably did this well over a hundred times. I would agree with everybody here. The desire doesn't go away. It may go underground, but it is still there. Katie, I wish I had faced up to this reality much earlier. Katie, thank you for sharing your struggles with us. There is a lot of understanding here. 

Marsha

Probably be harder to find someone here that transitioned over the age of 40 that hasn't gone through this. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Thanks for all the replies.  I'm 46 and was married up until 6 years ago so the buying clothes and then dumping them is a fairly recent thing for me (although I've been dressing with "borrowed" clothes since I was 10) but I've still tossed my clothes probably four times since then.  I figured this wasn't abnormal but is still nice to know I'm not just crazy.  Now to figure out where to go from here...