Hey guys, hope you're doing well.

So the past two days I've called out of work right before my shift because I just can't stop crying. I work in retail, and lately I've been crying at the drop of a hat. (At work, at home, I just can't stand being in public lately.) Every time I go into work I'm terrified to have a breakdown. (not to mention there's been a lot of managers being ->-bleeped-<-s to us lately.)

This started a few weeks ago, I developed a crush on a girl and suddenly had the thought, "I could never get a girl like that, HRT or not." It just destroyed me completely. As a pre-T out guy who's out on the job, my confidence is all I have, and my inner saboteur snatched it from me. I've been manic depressive ever since, and I'm already on SSRIs to boot.

I'm just not even sure why I'm here, it just helps to hear from people who know how it feels to be in this deep. (I have an appointment at planned parenthood in a few weeks. I'm just hoping they can point me in the right direction.)

Hi hellboi,

I wish there was something super insightful that I could say to make things better but I am at a loss.  I used to work retail so I know it can be intense.  I moved to manufacturing which is more rewarding for me personally.

I have my down days/weeks.  I spent most my life feeling alone and limited.  I can hear that self talk " a guy like me will never attract a girl like her".  I have heard that many times.  I guess it's easier to shoot myself down than have them do it.  It sucks to lose out for never trying.  I'm 50 now and although I still many years to go, I have amassed so many regrets over losing out for not trying. 

Hang in there.  Pick an up day.  Tell that inner voice of doubt to STFU and take the chance.

Just so you know: many more guys than you think feel the same exact way.

Quote from: Hellboi on April 24, 2019, 03:12:27 PM
Hey guys, hope you're doing well.

So the past two days I've called out of work right before my shift because I just can't stop crying. I work in retail, and lately I've been crying at the drop of a hat. (At work, at home, I just can't stand being in public lately.) Every time I go into work I'm terrified to have a breakdown. (not to mention there's been a lot of managers being ->-bleeped-<-s to us lately.)

This started a few weeks ago, I developed a crush on a girl and suddenly had the thought, "I could never get a girl like that, HRT or not." It just destroyed me completely. As a pre-T out guy who's out on the job, my confidence is all I have, and my inner saboteur snatched it from me. I've been manic depressive ever since, and I'm already on SSRIs to boot.

I'm just not even sure why I'm here, it just helps to hear from people who know how it feels to be in this deep. (I have an appointment at planned parenthood in a few weeks. I'm just hoping they can point me in the right direction.)

@Hellboi
Dear Hellboi:
    I am so sorry to hear of your recent difficulties...  emotions in this business of transitioning can raise havoc at home and at work... especially at work with the pressure from managers and bosses.   
Then of course the runaway emotions of romantic affairs and crushes.   I am wishing you well with your Planned Parenthood appointment next week and I will be looking for your updates as you feel comfortable posting them.

    I am happy to see that back in November 2016 that you became a member of Susan's Place and that you have posted comments on various threads a few times.   
    I also see that you were officially welcomed by our lovely member @Dena ... and on her Welcome Message she included important and information LINKS telling you about the Forums rules and ways to navigate safely around the Susan's Place Forums.

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things.

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    I have taken the liberty to include the updated informative and important LINKS and I have included them below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that most members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. It can be really hard to work a customer service job while dealing with dysphoria. Ive certainly called in plenty of times myself because I just couldnt deal that day. You are definitely not alone.I hope you feel a little better soon, hang in there!

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

Thanks so much for the support guys. I really appreciate it.

"A guy like me will never attract a girl like that" is very very common thoughts. I have a friend who has the same thoughts. She thinks she can't attract anyone because of this and that. (She has a chronic illness). I always push her to try, I have told her she really is attractive, it is just in her head. But it is hard. Low Self esteem is hard to fight.

I used to think like that too. But then I noticed people do look at me. I look back. On the bus or subway. Complete strangers. But it never goes any further nowadays, I am married. But I feel good for being noticed, they feel good for being noticed.

Hang in there. Life goes up and down. You are down now but soon it will bring you up the hill.


Tony

Hi hellboi

Hang in there!  I am really feeling down today as well.  Second day of insomnia, crying solidly from 2 am to 4 am.  In my case, I think it is mood swings as a side effect of hormone treatment.  I feel like a have two voices in my head, one saying "You are inadequate.  You will end up alone and broken-hearted.  You will never be a proper man and you can only cause damage to yourself and your family by trying..."  The other voice says "You are a man.  You just need to be patient and let the treatment settle down.  You have a family and friends who love you.  Nothing lasts forever, and this time of feeling down and out of control will pass."

When I watch my thoughts, instead of letting them own me, I realise that the first voice is just exhaustion and medication side-effects talking, and that the second voice is the one that I need to listen to.  Being down like this won't last forever.  I just have to hang in there until it passes. 

Just breathe through it.  We're on a tough journey, but we're not alone.  I think it is all going to be worth it.

Anil

Sorry youre feeling down! The right person will be there later on when you find them. Life is an adventure, dont rush through it.

Also, I lucked out. My partner is a Pansexual so shes super supportive of my process.

before I started HRT, my body had already begun to be chemically different from AFAB.  This certainly causes moodswings easily. Have you thought about seeing an Endocrinologist, if you feel you are having trouble regulating emotions?

Or here is a really good idea.... maybe some Trans Support group or a Trans peer/counselor.

What youre going through bites. I relate, heavily. I have a Work From Home position now, which cuts out a lot of interacting with people who would judge me or assess me. Stay strong and remember its all part of a process where you will feel much better later. You should focus on making changes for yourself that are better for you right now. Have you considered different type of employment?