Hi Marsha!
Faith seems to be a common theme among a lot of trans folk.
I, too, tried to fit faith into my life. I did not grow up in a religious household, whatsoever, as Easter for me was about decorating eggs and later finding them, as well as getting a pretty basket with a trinket in it. Christmas was about decorations and music and TV cartoons and, of course, presents!
Still, I prayed and prayed and prayed that I would one day wake up in a fully female body. Sadly, that never happened.
I always thought I was a great pretender early in life, but looking back at photos of me in my younger years I wonder how no one ever said anything to me. Later, I became
very good at pretending. I was an atheist by this time, but even though I used the guise of a rocker as an excuse to grow my hair long, no one questioned my identity. I married an evangelical woman (interesting dynamics when it comes to an atheist and an evangelical Christian in a romantic relationship) and one day I simply broke down in bed with my wife. I hadn't cried in years and my wife noticed. I told her all about my real self. She was all for it at first, but it soon became too real to her when I talked about going full-time. Upon the very real possibility of losing her forever, I threw myself back into a deep, deep closet and joined her church. I was all-in. It became apparent that I did not fit there and people could not accept me, not because of my identity, which only the pastor knew, but because they couldn't seem to accept that I had never really been to church before and I didn't know all of the ins and outs. I will say that attending that church and trying my level best to rid myself of my trans-ness, I found myself praying to rid me of these feelings for the first time in my life rather than the other way around. Nothing seemed to help, and I really did have at least a mustard-seed-sized amount of faith at the time.
I'm sorry for you to say that I'm back to atheism, but I do know of a lot of trans men and women that have retained their faith. After transitioning, had I gone back to church (and I'd considered it), it would have been at the church that my parents tried to attend a few times when I was a child that eventually became led by an FtM trans pastor.
Surprisingly, most of my extended family is rather religious and almost all of them have been my strongest supporters, even if I couldn't hold that faith, myself. My ex's family, friends, and church never would have accepted me, but my family sure has other than a couple of hyper-masculine hold-outs.
I hope you're able to live your true life. It's freeing, but for me, not without its own issues.
Whatever your path, I hope you're able to stop pretending and be as happy as you can be!
