Life just keeps getting ->-bleeped-<-tier and ->-bleeped-<-tier and the more I get to know people the more I forget what it's like to love someone. Is it an unbelievable amount of bad luck? I don't know. But uh, more and more the quick solution just seems so much better than to keep fighting for an uncertain future. I mean, look at me: I'm 28 years old and I never had a boyfriend, never fallen in love, never lived a romance, never had proper sex, always been a loner...I pass and all but the only part of life I get to live is working and that is consuming me. I don't know, it just seems so inevitable to give up. It feels like I tried hard enough. 

Hi Dany, Suicide is never the right option. Killing one's self is not going to solve anything. I could easily fit your description myself. I am 30 and never have had a proper boyfriend or even had sex. I also have meant a few horrible people. My so called friends as of late have been turning on me and causing my life to be miserable. My only friend who doesn't ->-bleeped-<- on me is my hound dog. She has been my best friend for the last 8 years. I am going to be completely devastated when she leaves me. This world is a cruel place and ->-bleeped-<- can get you down so fast it's not even funny. It's imperative to try and find the bright side of life and only concentrate on the good in your life and not the bad.

Lisa

My wife's brother killed himself about age 22, back over 50 years ago. She still feels the pain and guilt ("How did my actions contribute to make him feel so bad?") even though she knows it had nothing to do with her.

This permanent solution to a temporary problem would leave a gaping hole and a lot of pain behind you. There is a lot of help available, from short term help lines to full-on therapy. If you can find a way to take a more positive view on life, others will be more likely to step up and help you, and be your friend.

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You say you've tried hard enough. I say perhaps you need to let go. To stop "trying" and just live. Find a way. We all despair. If I wasn't a Christian I would have offed myself already. What I've found though, is that it does get better. Please seek out a hotline, etc. They can explain this better than I. And remember, we here care. We really do. You are not alone. These people here have taken me in and accepted me. I no longer feel alone.

Please don't give up.  I know the pain, the loneliness, and the rejection.  Almost word for word you told my story.  Sometimes I still get depressed and dark.  I understand.  But please hold on for just one more day.  We need you!!!

Big Hugs!!


Danielle

Your post describes me so well at that age.  Okay, not the passing part - I was still closeted, even to myself at that point - but the rest.  At age 30, I had never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend), and had never had sex.  I could count my friends on the fingers of one hand, with at least four fingers left over.

But life does get better if you give it a chance.  I had to wait a long time.  I was in my 40s when I got married, and in my 60s when I discovered who I really am.

Please talk to someone.  Not just online, but in real life.

Hello Dany

Please do not give up; please do not allow the despair to win. You can fight this!

I have been depressed for most of my life - I am 64 now - and there have been some terrible events and people I recall.

I suggest you seek help either from a hotline or better still professional help from a doctor or therapist.

You may think everything is a waste of time but believe me professional help should at least improve things and of course they can also provide medication.

I do sympathize with you and I know it is painful both mentally and physically. I have been there. Please seek help. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain! I promise you life does get better!

Hugs

Pamela  xx

You're young. I didn't get married until 32 and met my wife at 31. Give it time and find a competent gender therapist. It'll be ok. You have a lot of years ahead of you with great potential.


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As someone who has been exactly where you are:

I tried to kill myself when I was 26, I'm 61 today.  That's a whole wonderful, extra lifetime I got because I reached out and asked for help. My advice is this:

Pick up that 900 pound telephone and ask someone to help you.  Walk into an emergency room any time.  They are open 24 hours every day and they were built exactly for this purpose. To save lives.

Anti-depressants work for me.  They can take a few weeks to kick in though.

Not asking for help is not BEING STRONG.  It's being TOO STRONG.

There is a whole world of people out there waiting and willing and wanting to help you.  The 4 most powerful words in the English language are: "Will You Help Me."   They are 4 magic words that other human beings can not resist.  We survived as a species because we are hard-wired to respond to those words.

You are young.  Your future is bright and full of light and good things.  It'a all a gift.

People here care about you... you are not alone in the world and the world would be a much sadder place without you. As people have said, love comes to those who are not trying desperately to find it. So don't try so hard and just enjoy being you. You say that you pass and that's 90% of the battle won right there... so just be you, have some fun, and try to bring back that smile and I guarantee you that love will find you.

Despair at least is a feeling... and if you can feel one emotion, there is a symphony of others waiting to explore and love will arrive at the ball sometime when you least expect it. Usually right after laughter. Don't put your life on hold or end it while waiting for love to arrive, just be patient.

If you need to chat then feel free to pm me. I am happy to be your friend.

love
Alice

People here are so sweet. They trying to help you and looking for reasons to live. But nobody can tell you how to live and why you even should, it's up to you to found out that. You think humanity is bad joke and no one care about you? So what? Trust yourself and love yourself, get yourself free, and it will give you a lot of options to consider - from hatred to love for everyone. You're most valueble person in your life, and if you can't do it for yourself, don't expect same from others. Without that, it's likely, you'll really will die by feeling sorry for yourself.

If you will kill you, you definitely won't finish your transition. If you will keep fight for uncertain future, it might turn out that you will get what you need and will be happy. That's simple. I'd suggest you start from some local support group where you might find some new friends and move forward with their support.

Hi, I want to talk about some of the things I have noticed about myself and what I am doing to work on them to change outcomes.

Background
I do not have close friends or a SO. I go to work long, stressful hours, and nearing the end of my transition. ( I have a research subject rescue Kerry Beagle (about 80 pounds) and he is a love. ). Putting the stress of transition, losing one's family, coming out, a lot of surgeries and learning to love myself; I too am on a journey of changing my relationship outcome.

If I do the same thing over and over I can expect similar outcomes. Making objectives, making steps to achieve the outcomes, measuring the effectiveness of the steps, changing steps and receiving different outcomes is my plan. Instead of a business plan it is a relationship plan.

I may eventually get a wingman/woman to help me execute the plan if I find I continue to not be happy with outcomes. It is helpful to get feedback from another person that has your interests in achieving your goal.

This is me and in no way am in insinuating this is you.
1) I look at myself and see the glass 90% empty.
2) I look down on myself and it is a deep seated bad behavior (repeated actions become habits, habits become behaviors and behaviors are easier to think and do as the neural pathways are linked).
3) Creating new habits are hard. It requires efforts and thinking and risk. Sometimes the risks pay off at least partially. It is an unknow outcome as opposed to doing the same old thing which had an unsatisfactory outcome. The known activity is easily chosen even though the outcome is known and unsatisfactory. I think, I am the issue and partly I am. I need to plan, execute, evaluate the outcome and adapt the strategy.

I joined a gym. I do 3 spinning classes a week. I was out 5 weeks due to surgery. I started back up Monday. Monday and Wednesday I received such warm welcomes from the spinning friends. There were about 8 or so woman that made me feel special. I was thinking, those 8 woman have friends and family. I am single and looking for a nice guy. Maybe I could let them know. Their friends have fiend too. Another words I am making a network at the gym. I want a healthy and active SO.

I joined POF. I am overwhelmed by the responses. I almost connected this weekend but I did not think he was a good fit. I blend well but do not pass. He is a Surgeon. In public he wants to be seen with a woman that passes. My voice is in recovery from a glottoplasty and I am hoarse. I did not want to do a video meetup before we meet in public. I stopped further communication. I want a guy that will love me for who I am.

I need to start yoga at the gym . This is another strategy. Health and network. There are other classes too that I could take. My goal is to meet people and network.

Suicide, I had my share and this is what I found out. I want to live and be happy. For a very very long time I struggled to surpress being trans. That nearly killed me. Transition nearly killed me. Now sometimes I get depressed because I am lonely and want certain things. I know how to change the outcomes and I need to work on that end. I can change my outcome. I hope sharing this with you shows you that you are not alone and what I
am doing to change my outcome.

Change is difficult and scary. Change is also invigorating and in time addicting. I can do things many many cis can not do. It is a strength I am finding out.