Hello everyone and welcome to my life story,

I am mostly making this post out of a need for opinions as I am actually at a loss at what to do.

When i was very young, something along the lines of less than 5 years old, i had a nanny, who used to dress me up in my sisters clothing, ever since then I've always felt more comfortable in a girls role and in their respective clothing and activities.

Unfortunately i was born in a country where being transgender, or even gay/lesbian, is very frowned upon, given that something along the lines of 90% of the country is roman catholic.

Naturally my mother thought i was some sort of degenerate and sent me to a slew of psychologists and psychiatrists as is normal for a single digit age child (sarcasm).She ended up believing i had a "fetish" for girls clothing. I ended up having to grow up very quickly (matured mentally) because i quickly noticed that this place where i lived was not very accepting and or receptive of my nature.

I have a cousin who's gay, who became openly gay at something like 15 years old, which caused his parents to divorce, his dad to throw a fit and kick him from his house. Luckily for him, his mom was very understanding, mine, was not. She treated me as a freak, often actually applying corporal punishment (getting hit with a belt, slapped, punched, hair yanked, pulled/pinched ears, pulled/ripped off the root hair)

Growing up i always envied the opposite gender for being able to be loved as openly and as easily, considering that the same behavior from me, always ended up with a beating for me. My parents were very fond of corporal punishment as it were, with my sister still getting hit with belts till she was something like 20+

Naturally, given that any mention of being effeminate or gay in this country got bullies involved i retreated into myself, and before you ask, parents didn't give a crap, and actually encouraged the behavior from their child, because, wouldn't you know it, beating the crap out of a "->-bleeped-<-got" was apparently in the bible according to some of them.

As i grew older, i tried to be "normal" but pretty quickly found i couldn't find common interests with most boys my age, feeling more comfortable and more in common with girls, which naturally did not work because i was male and effeminate per say.

I'm the youngest sibling of 3, older bother and older sister, my family sucks in general. My grandfather was your average insane nut job, who also was a pedophile, so he molested pretty much every female cousin, and my sister.
This made my sister my parents favorite child, which is understandable, but it also made her a very spoiled child, as my grandmother to make up for it bought and got her everything she ever wanted as a kid. Pretty sure there's a touch of jealousy from my part in there.

I've pretty much have secluded myself and live in my own little world, I have 3 friends who are all living over 6000 miles away, I go to work, come home, read books, rinse repeat.

I want more, I've always wanted more, i wanted to be normal, and to live a normal life.
So here we are, where im having my existential crisis once again

Also I've had chronic depression since i was about 7 i should add.

I'm 28, almost 29, birthday is next month, and I'm considering changing my life entirely by starting self administered HRT (low and behold there's not a single trans help clinic here, or any support, or legislation).

Because of my depression, and lack of basic human interaction for the past decade, and basic survival needs, i don't know what to do. I don't even know what i am, am i even transgender, am i just a freak? I certainly don't know hence my search for others opinions.

My main concerns are, this country is way too small, and everyone knows everyone, unfortunately.
Other concerns are, I am basically a hairball, i detest my own genes because of it, my dad is Italian descent and it shows, because I'm pretty sure my body hair has its own body hair, i don't think I've ever met anyone else with hairs on the inside of their elbow joints or knee joints.

Other important points that may pertain to deliver a relatively informed advice is, I have been with and slept with a guy, i have had a girlfriend but not done very much. I cant say im sexually attracted to either or, as im pretty sure i was more jealous of her body and clothing/shoe selection than sexually attracted to her, and as for him, i loved the way i was made to feel, i didnt see the guy (or any guy) and go omg so hawt.

I'm not gonna lie and pretend i haven't thought about killing myself either, its been pretty much a constant hum in the back of my mind for the past 20+ years now, but i think I'm reaching the point where i no longer care anymore and just wanna try something different, maybe because i know that my current way of living makes me miserable and will probably end with a bang.

I genuinely don't know what to do.
Also another irony, i happen to hate my body hair because im way too hairy, but wouldn't u know it, I'm somehow going bald. I know some people wouldnt want to transition and lose the ability to bear children, for me thats a non-concern because i wouldnt want to curse a human child with my horrible genetics anyways.


To resume, I'm 28 (almost 29) and want to do HRT, im SUPER hairy, and not even remotely feminine looking <not allowed> think Sona Avedian but more hairy, and im not even sure what i am.

Thank you to those who actually made it to the end of the post, and have a great day!
Marce Z

Self dosing with HRT can be SUPER dangerous. Even lethal. Are there really no medical professionals of any sort that can help you in your area?

not really a possibility, the only possible way to do so is by flying to a more civilized country, which at the moment is out of my monetary capabilities.

How dangerous is it? from what i read its mostly risks for people over 40+ years of age. I'm from Paraguay, one of the worst countries for support for LGBT, as theres basically no legal rights for trans people here. Nevermind actual help. Discrimination is very much open and hash here.

I should also say i dont particularly care about risks and dangers when pretty much every time i go outside im hoping i get hit by a bus.

Quote from: marce_z on May 17, 2019, 11:04:13 AM
not really a possibility, the only possible way to do so is by flying to a more civilized country, which at the moment is out of my monetary capabilities.

How dangerous is it? from what i read its mostly risks for people over 40+ years of age. I'm from Paraguay, one of the worst countries for support for LGBT, as theres basically no legal rights for trans people here. Nevermind actual help. Discrimination is very much open and hash here.

I should also say i dont particularly care about risks and dangers when pretty much every time i go outside im hoping i get hit by a bus.

@marce_z
Dear Marce:
          I see that you have had become a member of Susan's Place and had submitted your very first posting here on the Forums.

          Please know that I am not trying to sidetrack your post and the questions that you asked but  First Things First ... you need to be officially welcomed and given important information and rules about the Forums that will help you to have a good experience here.   
           Other members will be along soon to exchange thoughts and comments with you about your questions.

    As you continue to post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

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@marce_z 
Oh, and another thing Marce...
Please plan to write a brief introduction in the Introductions Forum so that other members will be aware of your arrival... therefore you will be able to share your thoughts with more members here.
     
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will you have your thread back so that the exchange of conversation can continue.
Other members here will certainly be along to give you their comments and suggestions that you may be seeking

Hi Marce

Your childhood is very similar to mines. You are 28, almost 29. That's young. If you want change bad enough. You might want to consider raking up some coins and moving out of Paraguay. Prior to doing so, I'd recommend you do some research on where you'd like to go.

Welcome to Susan's place. The danger with self medicating is a risk of blood clots and liver damage. If caught early they can be treated and the risk is minimal. In addition, levels should be monitored for optimal results. Some people require a higher than normal dosage while others may need a lower dosage.

I suspect the treatment available to you would be much like it was when I transitioned. Most doctors wouldn't have a clue how to treat you but there are a few who are knowledgable and supportable. It might be difficult to find them but your best best would be with the aid of the LGBT community in your country. It's difficult to locate care when most of what you need isn't public but it's not impossible.

Hello Marce,

Self medication can have some very negative side effects health wise. Depending on the HRT it can cause DVT's and a host of other issues due to switching hormones too quickly. Long term, it can have very negative effects.

I was going to a place that is my primary care and they treat thousands of trans. They do not measure E in the blood. I was going to them for HRT for 6 years. I decided to switch providers. I was doing E subQ every 14 days. My E on the 13th day was 740 ng/dl. Transioning is 200 to 500 ng/dc. I am post op so I do take T and it was 100 ng/dl. They it like it to be 40 ng/dl. If pre-op you will need to be on an androgen blocker. Point is sometimes medical people can not be well informed or be somewhat lax. I am glad I switched providers.

In general you are given a blood test and T is measured and other markers. You are given an androgen blocker for 2 weeks and you return. They ask how you are feeling (if spiro, drink lots of water, avoid potassium and eat salt). Next they give you a low dose of E. At the three month mark they measure your blood and adjust the spiro and E. Over 6 to 9 months you are transitioned to a transitioning dosage. Blood is monitored until stable every 3 months, then every 6 months.

Hair
Body hair will diminish over a 3 year period. I have less body hair than most woman now. I started with little body hair. I shave my arm pits and legs very infrequently. Just my knees every two weeks get shaved. Also, my body hair is very fine and short. Italian woman tend to have more body hair and thicker. It is a part of being Italian and love who you are.

Head hair,
Androgen blocker can help reduce hair loss. There is finasteride that can help too but it can have very nasty side effects. You mentioned suicidal ideation so finasteride is something you should avoid like the plague.

Hormones
You may try a telehealth method to get medical supervision. Perhaps they can help. Perhaps a medical provide will assist from the USA. They may know of a sympathetic doctor in your country. Are there any LGBT agencies where you live? Try them.

Being 28 and soon to be 29 (Hello Gemini) does not mean you will not have a serious health consequence from taking self medication regardless of the medication.  Going to a medical professional does not mean they will provide the care you would expect they will provide.

Perhaps checking with endo doctors in your country may provide some assistance. I would definitely check with an LGBT group or center. Even in another country boarding yours and they may know of a doctor that can assist. Use the internet and telehealth if possible.

Sorry, you do not have support in your country. Safety is a major concern so confidentiality is a huge issue too.

About transition, in 5 years you may not recognize who the person looking back at you. Then you realize just how far your changed. Hair is a huge gender marker so I would try to keep what you have ASAP.

Best,
Rachel

I'm very sorry to hear about the trauma you had to endure as a child.

It sounds like HRT is there right path for you but please go about it safely. You don't want to rush your life. If you have to move to another country it sounds like that wouldn't be as bad thing leaving and moving forward without ridicule.

Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk

Hello Marce

It truly saddens me to read such an unhappy story.

I strongly advise against any form of self medication as that is potentially very dangerous.

I am truly sorry that Paraguay has a bigoted attitude towards transgender people and that you have no support or suitable therapy or doctors experienced with trans patients in your location.

All I can advise is that you research online and see if can find both support and therapy (perhaps followed by supervised HRT) from an online endo or doctor in another country near to Paraguay.

I wish you success and resolution to your problems.

Hugs

Pamela

If you research enough, read and understand what you are reading about blood tests, HRT and the effects between them and then you get your blood tests done at some clinic I don´t think the risk is that huge. Well there is a risk, but not a big one, just as long as you understand why something is happening with your bloodwork.

That´s how I did it and still do.

The other options that you have been offered are no good. You are struggling with depression and not happy. I consider some blood clot much lower risk than suicidal feeling from depression, which can be fixed with HRT.

And the other option that someone mentioned above about moving to another country. Please dont. At least if you cannot secure a job before moving to the destination of choise. You do know very well what kind of work your sisters from Paraguay and from nearby countries like from Peru do in Europe...not that there is anything wrong in that work, but if you end up moving to Europe, please at least research the country and choose a safe country to work in that field. France, the popular destination from South America for some reason, is not safe!

I agree with the opinion that self dosing is dangerous.  There are risks even while under professional care.  Don't risk things like getting a stroke and living the remainder of your life like vegetable. I would never attempt to do it on my own.


Good luck in your journey,

Brian

Good afternoon, marce_z!

Hormones are serious drugs, and you should be under the care of an endocrinologist if you're going to start altering your body chemistry by using them.  Trying to figure it out by internet research and then using trial-and-error with drugs that you can find access to (and that may be of doubtful purity and authenticity!) is NOT a good idea.

From what you write, it sounds like not much is holding you in Paraguay.  The culture is backwards, the medical care you need is not available, and it sounds like you are pretty much alienated from your family - for good reason.

Why not leave?  From what I've read, Uruguay is remarkably more trans-friendly than Paraguay.  It's only 1,000 KM away.  Same language and general culture, so it would likely be easy for you to fit in.  After a period of dictatorship a few decades ago, democratic norms are now well established in Uruguay.  Take a look at the following:

"Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) rights in Uruguay are among the most liberal in both South America and the world. Same-sex sexual activity has been legal with an equal age of consent since 1934. Anti-discrimination laws protecting LGBT people have been in place since 2004. Civil unions for same-sex couples have been allowed since 2008 and same-sex marriages since 2013, in accordance with the nation's same-sex marriage law passed in early 2013. Additionally, same-sex couples have been allowed to jointly adopt since 2009 and gays, lesbians and bisexuals are allowed to serve openly in the military.

"In 2016, Americas Quarterly named Uruguay the most LGBT-friendly country in Latin America, calling the nation "a model for social inclusion in Latin America". It also hosted the first international LGBT rights conference in Latin America in July 2016, with hundreds of diplomats, politicians and activists from around the world addressing LGBT issues.[1] A large majority of Uruguayans support same-sex marriage.[2] . . . "

See more at:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Uruguay

So what about packing up and making the move . . . to Uruguay?

It is an unfortunate and often repeated story that is all too real.  So many of us find our options limited and attempt it on our own.  I hear you say that worst case, it would end just the same.  Death is easy, I welcomed and wished for it several times.  Death isn't scary.  What is scary is purposefully making choices that could leave me crippled or mentally impaired for life.  I typically have a very critical view of the world and would not/ could not trust that anyone would care enough to actually care for me should I have a stroke.  It is not scary to die but it is scary to be reliant on someone's mercy for my survival and well being.  I would not willingly put myself in such a position of being helpless, that is scary.

I wish i had some great advice that would alleviate your pain and give you the hope you lack but I do not know what to say.  I will pray for you and ask that you find peace.

Brian

The risk with self-administration is that you do not have qualified professional monitoring of your results.  You will not know if damage is starting to occur until you show symptoms, which may be too late.

Read, read and make sure that you understand everything you read. There is more than enough resources online for that and you can also reach doctors, other transwomen etc. via internet.

Your situation is difficult, but not impossible!

<Note from moderator: please read and understand Susan's Terms of Service:>

8. The discussion of hormone replacement therapy(HRT) and it's medications are permitted, with the following limitations:
       A. You may not advocate for or against a specific medication or combinations of medication for personal gain. This is strictly prohibited.
       B. You may not discuss the means to acquire HRT medications without a prescription. The discussion of self medication without a doctor's supervision is prohibited.
      C. The posting of recommended, or actual dosages, is strongly discouraged to prevent information obtained on this site from being used to self medicate.

We cannot in good conscience condone the self administering of these medications. Not only may self medication be illegal, but HRT medications can cause serious health problems, and many have the potential for life-threatening side effects that can only be detected and prevented with proper medical supervision.

For HRT to be effective and safe, you really should be under the care of a doctor who can monitor your levels. Certain imbalances potentially make one MORE prone to suicidal ideation (so I've read). So proceed with caution. I'm very sorry that you feel so trapped - sometimes even though you aren't able (yet) to physically leave an area, you can still stay connected with people who understand and won't judge you (such as a forum like this).

Also though - the grass is not always greener in another place. I live in the US (but in the Midwest) and have a lot of the same issues that you described - not accepted, family issues, etc. Difficult people (people who think you should conform to the way THEY think and feel) are virtually everywhere you go. I'm trapped in my current location just as you - so I'm "hidden" in a lot of ways, just like you.

Luckily, I'm blessed with very thin and light hair, but it still annoys me. A big part of my personal journey is simply accepting that I can't be EXACTLY who/what I want to be - so I have to settle for being me. We play the and of cards we are dealt. With all of my heart, I WISH I could have been born female - and brought up in a supportive, healthy home. But that's not who I am - maybe in my next life I will get to live that life. So - we make the most of the situation we have and we choose to be thankful for the good things we have (family, friends, etc.)  I do hope you can find inner peace.

Quote from: marce_z on May 20, 2019, 11:41:40 AM
The risks of HRT seem tied to HRT itself though, it doesn't seem independently connected to the self administration of the treatment as much as it does to the treatment itself.  My plan was to start with spironolactone at <removed>
along with finasteride at <removed> for hair loss, that i would have taken independently of HRT anyways. Along with <removed> of 17b estradiol.

The only real benefit of paraguay is that farmacies don't care at all about anything so they'll sell you any drug.

<Dosages removed by moderator>

You are aware that spiro is potassium sparing and this can cause life threatening kidney conditions?  You know that Finasteride is linked to increase of prostate cancer?  You know that estrogen makes the blood more sticky and can be the cause for DVT, which can be deadly?

It is never a good idea to fumble around with the bodies endocrine system without monitoring the blood values of the different substances very well.  There is a reason that most family physicians or even internists don't fumble around much with hormones and refer their patients to endocrinologists!

I just heard of something today that may or may not be of help to you. Try googling "rainbow railroad" and see if they can help you as they have resources that this site lacks. They might be able to assist you in moving to another country where you can receive treatment.