I tried not to for the sake of my family, but my dysphoria was getting stronger, and last year got to the point where I became sick. For 6 months doctors scratched their heads, unable to figure out why I wasn't getting better, so I went to a psychologist, got referred to an endo, started HRT, and 3 weeks later I got over my illness. This was a harsh lesson for me in the power of dysphoria and depression. I thought I could manage my ->-bleeped-<- and not transition, but I was wrong. Don't get me wrong, after being trans all my life, I couldn't wait to put on my first patch, it just wasn't a decision I made.

If you are suffering with strong dysphoria and depression, get help. It's not just in your mind, it can destroy your health, or worse.

Allie

Quote from: Kylo on February 15, 2017, 05:31:01 PM
"Know thyself"

When you know yourself as well as I do you know when you've been down every avenue and seen it doesn't go anywhere but Dysphoria Street or Misery Blvd. or Don't Fit In Plaza. Might as well try the mystery door in the wall.

As a child I could get away with acting like a girl.

In my 40s I discovered I didnt really know myself. I had an entire side of me I kept locked in a box for a long time.

I ended up facing my young self again and the unfinished buisiness that got stowed away in 1982.

I am still coming to terms with my whole self every day. I seem to be transitioning on  autopilot.

I wish I had your ability to be authentic from the very beginning, Kylo



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I transitioned because I didn't have the strength to keep up the denial any longer.  I kept telling myself that I couldn't be transgender until I started to realize that the path of transition looked easier and happier than the pain and depression that surely lay at the end of the denial road.

Something I've read in more than one place


"transition is nobody's first idea, or second, or third; it's usually the last resort."

This particular version is from "Yes, You Are Trans Enough"
By Mia Violet.

I'm about 3/4 through it and even though we had vastly different experiences growing up, quite a few things have struck me as "wow, that was me".

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I'm doing it to feel well again. Both mentally and physically.
To become the best ME I can be, so hopefully i stop wanting to just crawl into a pit and die.
I'm doing it to make living not only tolerable, but actually worth it.

And because I can't put the damn genie back in the bottle now i've acknowledged the feelings i've bottled up for so many years.

I think a major factor in the increase in issues for me stems from 1: FINALLY getting appropriate antidepressants to lift the fog I was living in and finally after years being able to actually SEE
and 2: the loss of self depression and life had caused. At university I really was trying to find myself but all that got sidelined when I got sick and then had a kid and life and responsibilities all crashed down around me. That mask of "parenthood" came down and it was ALL I was for so long. Just "Mum" and much as I love having children, it resulted in me losing myself, any identity I was trying to find slipping from my grasp and replaced by societal expectation and responsibility and obligation.
I ceased to exist for a long time, just sort of going through the motions of life but not really living.
My self exploration, my ability to SEE myself had been shoved aside. Other things were more important. I was lowest priority and so I put my own needs last to a point I pretty much forgot I even had them.
Depression and chronic illness took away what little I had remaining and left me well and truely in a fog.

I finally got the right drugs and bam, it's like the world is suddenly technicolour and for the first time in over a decade I feel like i'm back and able, at long last, to actually look at myself and assess my own needs.

I will be a better parent, a better spouse, a better child and sibling if I feel well and good and confident in myself and already the change i've seen from simply reverting to a more masculine presentation is astounding.
I don't feel like i'm wearing a mask or a costume anymore, something I did for so so long to hide the "me" I thought I loathed.
I've acted my way through so much of my life and i'm tired of it. It's time to retire from the stage and live as the real me.

I'm doing this because I want to LIKE myself.

Quoting Sense8

maybe I realized... I'm slowly dying of survival.

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Just because I want to look normal, female body  (for me) is not normal.