Scene from a (trans) marriage #4351

We've had an issue with Directv all week. I will not go into the details, other than to say after two days of troubleshooting on my own, I admitted defeated and called "technical support" - when I really should have just banged my head against the wall.

But after two more days, I had an epiphany (based on reading more about the new laws on content in the recent Hollywood settlement) and came up with a creative workaround that would require extensively recabling our home theater system.

So we spent a few hours working on it this morning, and I kept getting 75% there, but always something not working, and at one point when I started to get a bit frustrated, my wife simply said:

"You know, I think it's likely that the hormones have removed your ability to set up home theater systems."

For the record, I did NOT laugh, although I did begrudging smile and tell her later that it was hilarious.

Now I do find that funny!

That's a good one, Allie!

Quote from: imallie on January 06, 2024, 09:14:49 PMAnd I know that, objectively. It's just sometimes... I can be monumentally pig-headed. And we made a plan to tell the boy over the holidays...and it's been 16 months since my wife has known, and nine months since hormones... and I just feel like it SHOULD have happened by now.

I totally get it.  If you refer to MY old blog (oh wait! It's not there anymore!), you'll remember that I would fret over each and every person I needed to out myself to.  I knew that I had a bigger plan on when I wanted to be "out" to the world, and I needed all of these tier I, II, and III people to be completed before I ripped the band-aid off.  I remember that being a pretty stressful month or so.

~Sara

Quote from: imallie on January 06, 2024, 09:14:49 PMBut she made a great point that of which I need to keep reminding myself. Like you said, it's fine to bask in this... and even though I'm not technically taking big leaps right now (even though I assume I will be bumping HRT levels up this week!), she said the psychology of knowing that I COULD at anytime, by my choice, is a lot different than that "trapped" feeling we all had in the beginning. So that's partially why this feels comfortable. Because it IS progress, just on my timetable.

My therapist told me about a client that was in the military, presenting as/assigned at birth as male, but who knew they were transfemme. The nature of their work environment prevented them from taking the steps they wanted to, so they painted ONE pinky nail. It was enough to offer some relief for their dysphoria. In my case, it feels like pushing the envelope with HRT-induced changes while still boymoding out in the world...for now.

O&C's point about reaching a tipping point is valid, of course. But aside from keeping that in mind, I want to do what feels comfortable and I try hard not to feel like I'm not keeping up with others, or doing "enough."

Quote from: TXSara on January 07, 2024, 05:20:58 PMI totally get it.  If you refer to MY old blog (oh wait! It's not there anymore!), you'll remember that I would fret over each and every person I needed to out myself to.  I knew that I had a bigger plan on when I wanted to be "out" to the world, and I needed all of these tier I, II, and III people to be completed before I ripped the band-aid off.  I remember that being a pretty stressful month or so.

~Sara

Makes sense and I do remember that Sara. I try to kind of put that out of mind a bit. Partly because I have honestly felt, from the start, that if my wife knew and was ok with it and our son knew and was ok with it, that was literally all I needed.  Everyone else was gravy.
But the other aspect is the strong instinct of my brain to turn things into a project I can organize, catalog put on a timetable - all the stuff I used to have to do when I had a million things on my plate. So AFTER my son, your phase II, III, etc idea is exactly what I'll turn to. But I know I'm going to fret about how do I tell this sibling before this one? This friend before this one? All the logistics of it will be an obsession. I just know me. 🤦�♀️

Quote from: Courtney G on January 07, 2024, 07:26:36 PMMy therapist told me about a client that was in the military, presenting as/assigned at birth as male, but who knew they were transfemme. The nature of their work environment prevented them from taking the steps they wanted to, so they painted ONE pinky nail. It was enough to offer some relief for their dysphoria. In my case, it feels like pushing the envelope with HRT-induced changes while still boymoding out in the world...for now.

O&C's point about reaching a tipping point is valid, of course. But aside from keeping that in mind, I want to do what feels comfortable and I try hard not to feel like I'm not keeping up with others, or doing "enough."

Smart therapist and you obviously took it all to heart, which is awesome. I don't think I'll worry about keeping up with the Joneses, so to speak. It's all my own internal clock.

As for the fingernail idea? I am awaiting a new pair of glasses we ordered last week.  They are pink women's frames, but not like bright hot pink. They're subtle and my wife thinks they'll look nice.  I assume I'll wear them around the house and we'll see how much they go out for a walk. But I think that's my new "fingernail" 😉

Good for you! The glasses sound fun!

Another thing: I have a trip coming up. I'm headed to a far-flung place in which no one will know me. Stuff is gonna happen. Stay tuned for that in my blog thread.

But you know, doing that doesn't mean I have to come out to all of my high school friends. We can just dip our toes (pinkies?) into the pool and see how that water feels.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 07, 2024, 07:44:07 PMGood for you! The glasses sound fun!

Another thing: I have a trip coming up. I'm headed to a far-flung place in which no one will know me. Stuff is gonna happen. Stay tuned for that in my blog thread.

But you know, doing that doesn't mean I have to come out to all of my high school friends. We can just dip our toes (pinkies?) into the pool and see how that water feels.

Yeah, I'm a big fan of playing the cards in front of me. So as mentioned, I'm trying really not to spend too much time thinking about the steps after telling our son. Because the results of that, and his input into the whole process, will have a big impact as to what follows. So no need to spend time fretting about it now.

It's why I changed my tag line to "Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe."  But to be honest, being a Nutmegger born and bred (meaning I was born in CT, just a stone's throw from his birth home), there's really a good Mark Twain quote for ANY situation...

By the way, because no one asked, probably my favorite Twain quote has always been:

"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."

Quote from: imallie on January 07, 2024, 08:24:29 PMBy the way, because no one asked, probably my favorite Twain quote has always been:

"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."

Heck, yeah!

Quote from: imallie on January 07, 2024, 08:24:29 PMBy the way, because no one asked, probably my favorite Twain quote has always been:

"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."

"Education is what you have left when you have forgotten everything you have learned"

"Everyone complains about the weather, no one does anything about it"

are personal favorites.

There is also support group logic that you may like Allie-- everything is worse in your head.

Jenn

Was hesitant to post this. Mainly because I feel a bit emotional about it, and I'm not 100% certain I'll correctly convey what I'm trying to share. So, apologies in advance.

I found out this evening that someone I knew and worked with for a long time passed away. I'm very generous with the word "friend", and so I would absolutely describe him as a "friend" normally, but in the case of a loss, it makes it seem like there was a closer relationship than there was. We worked together for more than a decade, and in the last 10 years we just stayed in touch via Facebook, that's it. I knew he'd fought off cancer, but as far as I knew he was well.

In fact, his birthday was on Christmas. And I'd just wished him happy birthday on Facebook, and he replied to the post. And he passed a week later.

The reason I'm sharing this, is I have this thing I do... that some of my actual real in person, everyday friends kind of mock me for - I wish happy birthday to everyone of my Facebook friends. It takes me 10 seconds every morning to check the list and to post the message. And obviously I don't know/remember even how I know some of them... but hey, the idea is... I don't know what people are dealing with. 99% likely it's meaningless that I do it. But maybe someone is having a bad day, and if even once a year someone is surprised or even a tiny bit happy that I did that... it's worth my time, since it costs me nothing.

I know that when my wife told me of this person's passing (she read the obit in the paper), I recalled that I'd just had some interaction with him... and looked back to see the birthday thing. And while I don't necessarily think posting the birthday message made me feel any better, I know had I NOT done it, and heard he passed.. I would have felt horrible. He obviously was sick again... so maybe the bunch of people who did offer wishes was a nice thing.

This is no way to say "oh hey, look at the nice thing I do." Because, let's be honest. What I do is so minimal to even register. But it just really brought to mind how important it is to tell the folks important to you how you feel, and to stay in touch with those you care about.

An occasional call or text, or email. Just SOMETHING. Don't think about doing it and not do it. When it comes to mind, do it. I'm guilty of not doing that many times myself, and this is a bit of a kick in the pants to me too.

And so I guess I just wanted to share it, in case it resonated and made others think to reach out to friends and family they haven't contacted in a while to at least just say "Happy New Year."

Love,
Allie

Quoteit just really brought to mind how important it is to tell the folks important to you how you feel, and to stay in touch with those you care about.

An occasional call or text, or email. Just SOMETHING.

That's a wonderful reminder, Allie. Thanks. I'm now going to text a pal I haven't seen in a bit and invite her over for eggs and taters!

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 09, 2024, 07:59:02 AMThat's a wonderful reminder, Allie. Thanks. I'm now going to text a pal I haven't seen in a bit and invite her over for eggs and taters!

I made two calls this morning myself.

Allie, one thing that my current circle of friends taught me is make thank-you's for gatherings tangible. So, when I'm going to dinner or a party, I always take Godiva chocolates, toffee, or a Woodwick candle. I often take several gifts and they do the same, arriving with flowers or baked goods or whatever.

It's a way to say without words, "Thank you for remembering me. I also remembered you."

Your attention to social details, Allie, is why you were successful in communications and also why you'll be successful in the female role. Socially successful women attend to the details. Heck, your success in baking is all about the details too.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 09, 2024, 12:06:41 PMAllie, one thing that my current circle of friends taught me is make thank-you's for gatherings tangible. So, when I'm going to dinner or a party, I always take Godiva chocolates, toffee, or a Woodwick candle. I often take several gifts and they do the same, arriving with flowers or baked goods or whatever.

It's a way to say without words, "Thank you for remembering me. I also remembered you."

Your attention to social details, Allie, is why you were successful in communications and also why you'll be successful in the female role. Socially successful women attend to the details. Heck, your success in baking is all about the details too.

Very wise, and of course, on brand. 😘

As you can probably guess, it's not uncommon that we arrive places with something I've baked. 😉

New glasses arrived today. I think we consider them a success on every level.

As we were opening the package, we recalled that we'd nearly forgotten that I needed to order them... so we did this on Jan. 31, so it was completely online. So my wife and I were entering all the numbers we THOUGHT we were supposed to from the prescription I had in my wallet, but really had no idea if a) I'd be able to see out of them, b) they'd fit on my face and c) they'd look good.

So far so good (although they're a bit tight on my head after a few hours... but that might be me being oversentative to things on my head (thanks migraines!) and the difference between men's and women's frames.

Here are my old and new frames:



What I don't know is if these will be my everyday frames or not. Not being out, maybe they're over the gender line too much. But honestly I don't think so. My wife thinks they look really nice.

Tomorrow I have electrolysis, and Thursday endo - so I'll certainly wear them out to both of those. Friday we'll go out to dinner. I'd imagine there as well.

Saturday, the funeral for a friend's father, and then lunch with some old friends. I'm guessing that's where I might feel like it makes more sense to go with the darker pair. But we'll see (pun intended!)

Love,
Allie

Hi Allie!  Love the new glasses!

Definitely need to go "dark" for the funeral LOL.  Everything else, though, is fair game!  I'm glad you're enjoying the slow progression and being present for it all.  It's nice, isn't it?

~Sara

I like them, Allie. A lot. I wish they were my glasses. My glasses came from the women's section, but are pretty masculine. I bought them because they hook behind my ears and won't fall off in my active life.

Yours are girly, so keep that in mind when donning them.