AGGGGG help.  Lately I have been feeling very insecure about myself.  When I first went Fulltime I was confident and relatively fearless.  However in the last few months I have been having bouts of debilitating insecurity.  Basically if someone even gives me a sideways glance I get worried and insecurity hits me full force.  It can make for some tough days let me tell you.  I am not sure what to do about it.  I talked to my therapist about it, and that was completely pointless,  he went off on some other tangent like he always does and totally missed the point.  Which leads me to another rant.....

Anyway I dont really know how to get out of this mindset.  SRS would certainly make my body more congruent.  Maybe thats part of it, knowing that I am really male down there.  I don't know any thoughts.

Audrey

My only thoughts are - I'd give you more than a sideways glance and it wouldn't have anything to do with 'reading you' or anything like that. You're a pretty girl. That's why people are looking.

Yeah, I know what you mean.  That's partially why I decided to have SRS before doing any FFS (I know I don't really need it, but some of my features still make me feel insecure); I figured that if I had FFS first, I would feel even MORE incongruent with having male parts down there.  As bad as it is trying to avoid potentially sexual situations now, it would be even harder if I wound up a knock out 

Lia

Audrey,
  If that is your real picture, you shouldn't have anything to worry about. This is just part of the process that you will go through. It happens to most of us and some get over it faster than others. It is hard and I do know what you are talking about but you have to own who you are. People look at others for a lot of different reasons. It could be that they liked what you were wearing or your hair style. It could be for a number of reasons and not the one you are assuming. You have to start thinking that way and like I said, you are a woman, always have been, so own it.
Sheila

Hiya, Audrey.

Insecurity? A therapist who's more interested in the workings of his own mind than in your difficulties. *sigh* Sounds about par for the course, on both counts.

I have a notion about insecurity. It revolves around the sense that we are 'play-acting.' Often that is enhanced by boards. We meet lotsa different people going lotsa different directions on boards and the mix can sometimes be confusing.

There will come a time when you will not remember your life as ever having been anything other than what it is -- the life of a female. Your very memories will look entirely different than they may now, and certainly than they did before you started.

And there doesn't seem a need for SRS or FFS or whatever to get all people there, others, yes, it requires both and then maybe even time after that as well. I wish I could tell you exactly what sort of mechanism is involved and how you can 'put yourself there.'

It occurs over time. My thought is it has to do with living the life of who Audrey is. Getting up you are the woman you are, at lunch, throughout every day, you are simply Audrey, woman.

Keep with that and I believe the 'change' simply naturally occurs. No, not a delusion or a lie or anything like that. You simply become you. And you are a woman. Kinda too simple, no?

But, it works. People who take longer I believe simply have to 'convince themselves' they are women.

Others of us have always 'known' and the living merely reaffirms what we always knew. So, we just go about being ourselves.

People talk a lot, I have talked a lot, about self-confidence. I'm thinking though that the crux is self-knowing. As one knows who she is, she becomes herself and her life follows with her.

Arcane, maybe. But, it's real.

Hugs,

Nichole

Quote from: Audrey on April 19, 2008, 11:50:42 PM
AGGGGG help.  Lately I have been feeling very insecure about myself.  When I first went Fulltime I was confident and relatively fearless.  However in the last few months I have been having bouts of debilitating insecurity.  Basically if someone even gives me a sideways glance I get worried and insecurity hits me full force.  It can make for some tough days let me tell you.  I am not sure what to do about it.  I talked to my therapist about it, and that was completely pointless,  he went off on some other tangent like he always does and totally missed the point.  Which leads me to another rant.....

Anyway I dont really know how to get out of this mindset.  SRS would certainly make my body more congruent.  Maybe thats part of it, knowing that I am really male down there.  I don't know any thoughts.

Audrey

Wow, I've posted almost the exact same concerns. I've learned a couple things about myself, which may or not work for you:

1) Experience doesn't help me. It's not a matter of me getting out more and "getting used to it." I've been fulltime for a year without anyone ever saying a nasty word or obviously reading me, and yet... I'm never convinced. The experience won't accumulate. Every experience feels like a "first time out" for me.

2) Because of that, I've realized that my problem isn't in knowing whether I pass well or not. My problem is in obsessing on passing itself. It's not a matter of convincing myself I pass, it's a matter of just not thinking about it, and just doing whatever it is I'm out to do. I try to remember that passing is a means to an end, and NOT a goal in itself - at least not for me.

3) To do THAT, I've realized that I just have to relax and allow myself to be Kate, without artiface, without "emulating" anything, just being me. Not a woman, not a female... just Kate, whomever and whatever she is. No one can question that, not even me. Being read as born-male doesn't change it, nasty comments wouldn't change it, nothing can. I AM Kate, and that's that. Which is why I personally run away from the idea of "emulating women" and all that. Passing is *convenient*, but it doesn't make me who I am. It's just an EFFECT of what I've done, but not a goal or cause of it. I pass because I'm Kate; I'm not Kate because I pass. As long as someone is "trying to pass," there's just NO WAY to avoid feeling fake while doing it. They go together, reinforcing one another.

4) To do THAT, I've realized that I really mostly worry about things in *anticipation* of events. What if this, what if that, how do I look, yadda yadda. But once I'm actually there and doing whatever (dining, shopping, getting pizza), I really don't worry anymore. In fact, the more engaged I am with people, the more I talk and interact, the LESS self-conscious I feel. So I make it a point to say hi, to wish someone good morning, to do whatever to stay involved and connected. Life and living isn't my problem... my overactive imagination and "wrong thinking" about passing being a goal-in-itself (for me) is.

Oh, and yes, the SRS thing is dragging at me too. I know it doesn't define who I am, and no one else (normally) sees it, but still, *I* know I'm still not correct anatomically. And I personally feel that I'm not female, whatever that means, until SRS. Sooooo... until that happens, I'll always feel a bit "fake," not just to others... but to myself.

IMHO and all that...

~Kate~

Freedom to be myself.  It seems that that feeling is evasive.  Basically I have felt that freedom, however, it seems like as soon as I feel ok for maybe a few days the insecurity comes back.  I think I may have to get over what other people may think about me and be myself, however difficult.

Thanks everyone for the support.  Kate thanks for the help I have felt the same way.

Audrey

Same problem for many years. Went to gender therapy and learned alot! First and foremost, what others do or say about me does not determine my worth or who I am. I decided then if it took me another decade to "practice" saying that mantra in my head over & over until I realised it was true, it would be worth it. But it didn't take that long, a couple years maybe, but my life is so much better now that I've come to know this. Just be who you are. If you know in your heart you try and be honest, compassionate, and kind to others, then you are going to become secure with yourself! Good luck, you can do it!

Audry, this is part of the transistioning. You are a pretty girl. I would be overjoyed if ppl give me glances like that. As it is I only get looked at part of the time. Your therepist sounds like he is interested in his own agenda. I would seek out another more sensitive to your needs. Perhaps a woman. I am more comfortable discussing with a woman anyday. Just my thoughts.

Linda Ann

Love being female

I also remember the early days of transition, I lived in a bubble and felt invincible and in a state of high achievement.  Recent months have been rough though with many difficult moments.   At times, I had to retreat into less feminine clothings so as not to invite unwelcome comment or looks etc, then soon afterwards I am back into skirts etc as if I was born to it, confidence restored again.

The worst thing was how when I heard people laughing, I thought they were laughing at me and I felt very exposed but realised that they were not even aware of 'what' I am if at all bothered about me but laughoiing at something unconected with my life and fears and insecurities.   

I would estimate that 90% of the time, people see me and treat me as a woman of a certain age, elegently dressed and unremarkable within the crowds......I am 48yrs but look younger 

Audrey, you dont me nor anyone else to tell you that transition is a rough ride but I hold onto the sure fact that at some time or other, transition ends.  Then life really begins......    Good luck, you are Audrey, a woman and you have the right to be who you are so the next time someone get arsey with me, I shall think of you and realise that I am not alone but with friends in the same situation and I shall my head high and strutt my stuff 

Audrey i think you can do  anything you set your mind to . and it might be a little hard at frist . but i think

you can over come  any  insecurity , just keep the faith and hope Audrey