Very jealous, Sarah!

I can tell by just how much a little thing like my glasses makes a difference, so it's clear to me how huge having hair like yours would be. Glad it helped your landing be a bit softer!

My grandfather had a thick, healthy head of hair until he passed at age 99. Unfortunately, he was totally gray at 20. My dad didn't gray until his 40's... but by the time I was in high school, his hairline was retreating faster than a vegan from a pig roast.

I got the WORST of both worlds. I was gray at 16, and while my hair was really thick in my 30's... after that, it just decided to abandon ship.

So ... while it's still thick on the sides, and growing out in the back, I'm going to need some solution up top. And with our plan to be living at the beach, we'd prefer something hale and hearty that can handle beach life. So my therapist put me in touch with someone who is an expert in the state... and I reached out several months ago.  But now that we've told the boy, hopefully we can schedule something and start exploring more.

Still probably can't do something until more people know, but we can be ready to do so.

Had an excellent, productive session with my therapist. After the "recap" portion of our program (she has been telling me for a year that the boy would be fine... and I'm sure most of me knew she was correct) I really wanted to talk to her about strategies for next steps, and she was really helpful in suggesting some different methods that my wife and I can modify to suit our needs.

Our specific challenges are:
We both have extremely large families (a dozen combined siblings, nearly 30 nephews and nieces)
ALL of our family are out of state (most are with 90 minutes, but some much further)

We have some very close friends we'd like to tell directly
All of those are out of state (most of those are at least 2 hours away, many further)

She suggested setting up "buckets" - grouping like folks together into lists and then writing a basic letter/email for each group (that could be customized as needed for the individual).

Then, we could either just click "send" and boom it's over... (but that won't work for us)..

Or more likely, for the buckets we want to tell in person, we could send them the note in advance of a setup meeting (or zoom... which was an excellent idea) so they wouldn't be forced to confront something in person if they were uncomfortable. They could then chose whether or not to still show up.

There are more variations on this, and I've got them all noted, and mentioned to my wife that I had this conversation with my therapist and that we can chat about it and she was happy about it.

I am curious how others handled both their families and their larger communities when it came to getting the word out. Would appreciate hearing the different successes and/or lessons learned.

Thanks!
Allie

QuoteI am curious how others handled both their families and their larger communities when it came to getting the word out.

I could only have so many face-to-face conversations. They were just too hard on me. So, I told a core of people that I thought would be good ambassadors and had them tell others. My problem is the runaway nature of "good" ambassadors. When you share something as juicy as this, they don't want to stop sharing. Many people like to be seen as a hub of information. So, when they step into that role, they don't want to step out and like a game of telephone, the more a story is told, the more it's deformed.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 27, 2024, 10:16:46 AMI could only have so many face-to-face conversations. They were just too hard on me. So, I told a core of people that I thought would be good ambassadors and had them tell others. My problem is the runaway nature of "good" ambassadors. When you share something as juicy as this, they don't want to stop sharing. Many people like to be seen as a hub of information. So, when they step into that role, they don't want to step out and like a game of telephone, the more a story is told, the more it's deformed.

I had mentioned to my therapist the idea of telling my sibs, and then allowing them to tell their kids (my nephews/nieces).  She said that no matter how well-intentioned a game of telephone is... people always get things wrong in the telling.

So what she recommended was that I give them (my sibs) a separate note aimed at their kids (or just the generic one for "others") and let them know they can share it with their kids whenever they wish. So it still empowers them to be ambassadors but it keeps us in (relative) control of the messaging.

Have not discussed this with the wife, but that's the advice, anyway.

It's funny how you both used the "telephone" game analogy. 😁

Quote from: imallie on February 27, 2024, 09:57:18 AMI am curious how others handled both their families and their larger communities when it came to getting the word out. Would appreciate hearing the different successes and/or lessons learned.

Thanks!
Allie

I think it's really important to stay in control of the narrative. As O&C experienced, having others spread the word often allows misinformation to sprout and spread.

My situation was a bit unique, most of my family lived nearly 1000 miles away. I told my wife first (well, my electrologist was actually first). It stayed between us for several months. Eventually I told my manager and got HR involved, and they allowed me to control the timeline. Several months later, when I knew I would be transitioning soon, I told both of my daughters when they were home for Christmas (one had moved to another city, the other was in college). A few months later I came out at work, and sent a note to everyone that I worked with. About a month later, I made a trip 'home' to tell my parents.

I expected a poor reception from my dad. When we arrived in town, I came out to a niece first, then her mom (my brother's wife, Kathy). We met my brother the next day, and filled him in. I had written a letter for my parents, and I asked Kathy to deliver it. I thought that was a better option than showing up at their door as Jessica, since I was expecting a negative reaction. Luckily, I was wrong. After hearing that my parents were OK with the news, Susan and I went to my parents home so I could introduce myself.

A few months later, I decided to mail letters to all remaining family and friends who weren't close enough for personal visits.

That may not be the best sequence of events for everyone, but it worked well for me. Good luck.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Allie,

As with every aspect of our transition YMMV. I do believe that with your communication skills everything will work out great.

My experience is very different as I do not have close relationship with my family. Once my late wife came to terms with it, it was not an issue telling anyone else in my or her families. In fact, I already fully transitioned both legally and at work before I told my sisters. And it only came up since out older brother died. Work was very supportive, and I just started telling the neighbors that I had changed my name to Ellen. There was no surprise since I was already presenting as a woman for some time.

Wishing you the best as you complete your transition

Hugs
Ellen

QuoteIt's funny how you both used the "telephone" game analogy. 😁

Consider this possibility: I am your therapist. Bwa-ha-ha!

QuoteI do believe that with your communication skills everything will work out great.

I can wrangle words, but I'm just a creaky, ol' cowgirl. You, on the other hand, are the Will Rogers of word wrangling. You're Dorothy Parker times Oscar Wilde with Mark Twain on top. With you skill set, as long as you can hold up, do the telling, sweet Allie. Do the telling.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 27, 2024, 02:22:41 PMConsider this possibility: I am your therapist. Bwa-ha-ha!

I can wrangle words, but I'm just a creaky, ol' cowgirl. You, on the other hand, are the Will Rogers of word wrangling. You're Dorothy Parker times Oscar Wilde with Mark Twain on top. With you skill set, as long as you can hold up, do the telling, sweet Allie. Do the telling.

If you are my therapist, I obviously owe you A LOT for our sessions on here.. not sure how I get THAT through insurance...

As for the telling? While I appreciate the kind words, telling ALL those people? What about a carefully, hand curated and lovingly picked out emoji? They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. So... I mean, if I send everyone:
🍆😭🤫🤔🦄🥰🎉👍

Isn't that enough?

Quote🍆😭🤫🤔🦄🥰🎉👍

People use LOL willy-nilly, but ^this^ was truly laugh out loud funny...and a revelation for me too. I never knew that emojis can explain everything.

QuoteIf you are my therapist, I obviously owe you A LOT for our sessions on here.. not sure how I get THAT through insurance...

I only bill for online sessions in baked goods. That's the way it's done throughout the therapy sector.

Hi O&C

You said:

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 27, 2024, 02:22:41 PMConsider this possibility: I am your therapist. Bwa-ha-ha!

I can wrangle words, but I'm just a creaky cranky, ol' cowgirl. You, on the other hand, are the Will Rogers of word wrangling. You're Dorothy Parker times Oscar Wilde with Mark Twain on top. With you skill set, as long as you can hold up, do the telling, sweet Allie. Do the telling.

Please note the correction in bold. I'm sorry I could not resist!

Best Wishes and Hugs always
Sarah B
PS Only joking, your are a wonderful cowgirl

Good news/bad news -

My wife and I had an excellent 30-45 minute discussion about all the things I mentioned about and talked about in therapy this morning. We talked strategies, and pluses and minuses of various methods... we talked "buckets"... we talked about letting our son tell his best friend before we tell my sisters, even though his friend would technically then be the third non-professional to know... but him having someone to talk to is more important than who knew when, etc.

The bad is we really didn't land somewhere we were happy with in regard to telling my siblings. We laughed a lot at the ways each solution would potentially blow up in our faces... but we didn't crack the case. So we said we'd keep thinking about it. But we also have some busy weekends coming up and we fear it could suddenly drag out into April pretty easily, which is a shame.

But that's what happens when long distance is involved.

We 100% decided that the Zoom idea was too impersonal, at least for them.

We ended it with me reiterating that transition is literally for other people ... and wondering if I could call my therapist and just cancel all this because it's too much of a bother. 😘

So we agreed to just keep thinking about it for a few days...

Still, always good to be on the same page.

Love,
Allie

Here's a novelty: a card trick via blog post. 

Can't accuse me of sleight of hand, since you'll be handling the cards completely on your own.

(Why am I doing this BTW? Well, it's 1:08 am, which means no cluster headache tonight (Yah!) and so I need to give my pain meds a bit of time to kick in before I can go to bed (with no cluster, my migraine doesn't break, it sort of slowly dissipates). And also, if you ever want a good writing challenge? Try to write instructions to someone to complete a semi-complex task they've never done. It hones your ability to be clear and concise).

Ok, ready?

1. Get a standard 52-card deck and shuffle it.
2. For the purposes of this trick, an Ace= 1 pt, 2-10 are self-evident, Jack=11, Queen=12, and King-13
3. Flip the first card, face up, on the table.
4. Whatever that card is, that's your starting number. So, for example, if it is the 7 of Spades, your number is 7.
5. Continue to deal cards, also face up, onto that pile, counting outloud or to yourself, until you reach 13. Each card being worth one point, regardless of the card's face value.
6. So in that example above with the 7 of spades, you would add six more cards -- counting 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 as you added each card.
7. Once reaching 13, turn the whole pile face down.
8. Now repeat as many times as necessary until you have used all the cards in the deck.
9. If you do not have enough cards to reach 13 with the final pile, simple pick up those cards and keep them in your hand.
10. Once you've finished you should have several face down piles before you, and, unless it hit just right, at least a few cards in your hand.
11. Now, pick ANY three piles on the table. Push them slightly forward. Now remove all the other piles and add them to the cards in your hand.
12. You should now have three face down piles on the table, and a stack of cards in your hand.
13. Take the first 10 cards off the pile in your hand and discard them.
14. Now, count the cards remaining in your hand.
15. Whatever number you got - that's your prediction.
16. Now, remembering our 1-13 pt system from earlier, turn over the top cards from each of the three piles.
17. You will see that you correctly chose the three piles whose cards totaled EXACTLY the predicted number.

And just like that, you're a magician!

Lemme know if it worked for you!

Love,
Allie

I had came out to my son and his wife. The next family gathering her family all lined up to give me hugs as I entered. I new right away by the way they acted that the word was out. I didn't mind as I'm not close with her family and it saved me the awkward, "I have something to tell you all!". I noticed the discomfort of the men sneaking glances, checking out my progress, but not wanting me to see them doing it. All went well and if anybody had anything negative to say they kept it to themselves till latter, not that I care.
Gina

QuoteI can wrangle words, but I'm just a creaky cranky, ol' cowgirl.

So true. More than once, I've felt like the crankiest poster at Susan's. So, you made me laugh.

My wife and I were hoping to find a time to get together with our son to sort of take his temperature on everything and see how he's doing.

But the last two days, today especially, we've all been texting a lot per usual. He's been updating us on some work stuff, asking for advice, etc... same ol, same ol.

Doesn't mean we still don't want to still try to get some time with him prior to Easter (much to his chagrin - once a month usually fills his quota 😉) but really feeling like status quo. Which is great.

Love,
Allie

A couple of random food related bits, which is sort of related to my transition, I suppose.

We were at lunch today at our favorite Pho place. It's now gotten to where when we show up they don't give us menus, the waitresses know our order, even the way we customize our bowls. I like to think that speaks highly of their competency and not that we are addicted to their food. (Which we 100% are, btw).

But while eating today, my wife and I both noted it was the hotest (in terms of spice level) it has ever been. Of course we dump all the hot sauce they give into it, plus the jalapenos too.. so we ask for it. And it's so flavorful... it's wonderful. No complaints, it was just hot.

Meanwhile, the Thai couple that sat next to us ordered some sort of fish noodle bowl and ordered it "extra hot." Their broth came out and it was the color of blood. I thought my eyebrows were going to spontaneously combust if I looked at it too long. And they ate it like they were eating a marshmallow peep.

It led us to discuss how spice tolerance is really a factor of the food you grew up with. Neither my wife nor I grew up eating spicy food. But in the past few years we've really built up our tolerance for it. Our son has always had it (somehow) so he sort of shamed us into it.  We still don't like hot for hot's sake, but we can enjoy spicy thing.

But as much as we love the Pho place, and think the food is amazing... I have a few friends who it is pointless to bring there. They are not tolerant of spicy foods. They wouldn't enjoy it. So it would selfish to bring them. You cannot force spice on someone, we concluded.

Sushi, we decided is a bit different. Most people who say that they don't like sushi... haven't tried sushi. Which is understandable. Heck, I only started eating it myself a few years ago, and I regret all the years wasted not eating it. But I truly think if I could bring a so-called non-sushi eater to one of my favorite places, I could slowly and without tricking them or forcing them, bring them to enjoy it just by educating them and having them sample a few pieces.

Tonight we went to our favorite Cuban spot. This one baffles us. Anyone who doesn't like Cuban food? The only real complaint you could have is you don't like flavor. But the thing is, people think Cuban food is spicy. I know we did before we went to Miami a few years ago. We went to an authentic Cuban spot and this wonderful waiter sat with us and gave us "the history of Cuban food"  and explained how Cuban food is a mix of Spanish, African and Caribbean traditions... using their spices.

But somehow, it's directly confused with Mexican food. Mexican food (which is delicious, by the way) has a lot of fried food. Cuban food has a lot of stewed and slow cooked food. Mexican food is spicy, Cuban food lean sweet. They really couldn't be more different.

And yet, when we were having this discussion over dinner, this couple sat down next to us, and were studying the menu. When the waitress came she asked if they had any questions. The woman said "Is this food very spicy?"

So whomever has the Cuban food marketing account, needs to be fired.

Anyway... just a ramble about food while I should really be writing my coming out letters to my family & friends but I really don't want to... so I'm doing this to kill time.

See, I told you this was a LITTLE about my transition. 

Procrastinatingly yours,
Allie
 

I think the coming-out letters are like ripping off a bandage. Do it quick and get it over with. I would write them and then put them away for a day or two. Then read them again, edit and put them away for another day or two. Then read them again, do any edits, and then send them off. There will be questions, of course. But you already know the answers. It's just hard to take that step. I'll be your cheerleader.

Ra-ra-ree
Kick them in the knee
Ra-ra rass
Kick them in the... other knee.
 

Seriously. You got this.
Hugs!

Quote from: LoriDee on March 02, 2024, 09:22:40 PMI think the coming-out letters are like ripping off a bandage. Do it quick and get it over with. I would write them and then put them away for a day or two. Then read them again, edit and put them away for another day or two. Then read them again, do any edits, and then send them off. There will be questions, of course. But you already know the answers. It's just hard to take that step. I'll be your cheerleader.

Ra-ra-ree
Kick them in the knee
Ra-ra rass
Kick them in the... other knee.
 

Seriously. You got this.
Hugs!

 

Thanks Lori!

Yeah, I know once I start I'll knock them off quickly.  Part of the issue is that we haven't figured out the logistics yet for telling people.

There are a whole bunch we want to tell in person (with the help of the letter to soften the ground the night before in most cases). But all these people are out of state, so we are trying to sort all that out.

I think if I had a deadline, like we needed it by Monday, I'd get it done.

I've spent my life writing on deadlines... so I am used to getting other things done knowing I can write at the last moment. But it's kind of annoying.

My wife HATES the particular story I'm about to share. She in particular hated when I shared it with our son when he was in school, as she felt it sent all the wrong messages. She was, per usual, 100% correct. Except it made me look like a bad-ass in his eyes (an irresponsible one, but... nonetheless...) so I liked sharing it:

3L (third year of Law School) I liked to consider myself ... well, in Television casting terms, a "Guest Star" rather than a "Series Regular". I had already had a job waiting for me after graduation with the firm I clerked for during the previous summer, so my motivation was nonexistent. (Plus, I found law school really easy compared to college... but that's just me)

Anyway, I would always show up for the first class.. and then, you know... the final. Sometimes if I found something interesting, and there was nothing good on TV or I wanted to visit with friends and I was on campus I'd go... it was pretty bad. Again, not a great look for me.

As you can imagine, things got missed.  I did well grade-wise, but things get missed.

For example, I missed the fact that all students are required to do a thesis to graduate. I guess I should have known that? But I got a note from my advisor and went in to talk to him and he said mine was overdue and he could hold off the dean but I needed to submit it in the next 24 hours to graduate... and since I didn't know what it was, I sort of faked my way through that entire conversation and told him I was just finishing it up and then walked out and called a friend and asked what it was.

It needed to be a 75-100 page fully researched and annotated paper on the topic of your choosing. I have no memory of what my topic was, but I do remember that, in the conversation with the advisor I made something up on the spot with no concept of if it was doable, what the challenges were, etc.

So that afternoon and evening I went to the law library, researched whatever the heck this topic I had made up was, and wrote a 90 page (I remember that) thesis paper.  And I submitted it the next morning, and it was approved with no revisions.

Again, my wife was not in favor of my sharing that story with the boy. But he really is an excellent writer so... I think it's ok. He's good under fire too. But he's also responsible like his mother, thank goodness.

The moral of this story is... I need a deadline to kick my butt on these letters. This is night two of NOT writing them. And I'm annoyed with myself.

Ha, Allie! You and I are alike in so many ways. My proudest moment as an undergrad was when I missed one of the two midterms in Logic and several of the weekly quizzes, as well as the majority of the lectures. So, I went to the professor and asked if it was possible for me to pass.

"An 'A' on the final would do it," he said.

So, I found the darkest corner of the library, studied the text for five hours, and took the test, earning an "A" on the final and a "D" in the course.

That D knocked me from Summa cum laude to cum laude, back before grade inflation rendered the designation meaningless, but it was my greatest academic achievement.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 03, 2024, 08:46:57 AMHa, Allie! You and I are alike in so many ways. My proudest moment as an undergrad was when I missed one of the two midterms in Logic and several of the weekly quizzes, as well as the majority of the lectures. So, I went to the professor and asked if it was possible for me to pass.

"An 'A' on the final would do it," he said.

So, I found the darkest corner of the library, studied the text for five hours, and took the test, earning an "A" on the final and a "D" in the course.

That D knocked me from Summa cum laude to cum laude, back before grade inflation rendered the designation meaningless, but it was my greatest academic achievement.

Ha! Yes, I recognize completely that instinct: To challenge yourself by creating seemingly insurmountable restrictions, time limits, handicaps and then still excel at a task — and consider it a triumph.

The converse being, the task was one you could have much more easily completed and excelled at if you just did it as assigned and requested — so most people in your orbit are like "why did you do that to yourself?"

It definitely says something about us. I'm not entirely sure it is something great.  But I made peace with it years ago so... *shrug* 😉