Since you are familiar with writing deadlines, maybe let your wife do the edits. It is important to consider how someone outside of your head will respond to your version of the story. By all means, say what you want to say, but maybe you can say it a different way. She can help with that. I think it would be a good idea to present it as a team effort to explain the situation and how you (both of you) got here.

Hugs!

Great idea, Lori.

Quote from: LoriDee on March 03, 2024, 10:10:37 AMSince you are familiar with writing deadlines, maybe let your wife do the edits. It is important to consider how someone outside of your head will respond to your version of the story. By all means, say what you want to say, but maybe you can say it a different way. She can help with that. I think it would be a good idea to present it as a team effort to explain the situation and how you (both of you) got here.

Hugs!

Oh I always am happy to get feedback. She will 100% be my editor. I also said I would send it to my therapist. She's seen countless of these over her years, so she's as much of an expert on the genre as you can be. Always use expertise when you can find it!

Great idea, Allie!

Ok, I took a crack at the first letter -the one for my sisters.

I did what O&C and I were discussing above, I put an artificial limitation on myself (literally) which helped motivate me: Right after my cluster headache concluded, I took my pain meds and opened a blank doc and started to write and basically raced the meds kicking in. 

Wrote two pages... got to believe page two goes on a bit of a grammatical safari at times, but oh well. I'll check it out in the morning and have a chuckle. Also two full pages is WAY too long, but again... I was rushing it, so I didn't have time to write less. 

'night!
Love,
Allie
 

QuoteI didn't have time to write less.

^This^ made me laugh.

I agree that two pages is too long. They can extract what they need/want with follow-up questions. Invite them to do so, if you already haven't in the first draft, which is unlikely, given your skill as a communicator and your emotional IQ.

When I taught writing, I'd urge my students to respect their audience by getting to the point (Lead with the lede.) and getting off the stage (Don't clench the podium.).

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 04, 2024, 09:12:24 AM^This^ made me laugh.

I agree that two pages is too long. They can extract what they need/want with follow-up questions. Invite them to do so, if you already haven't in the first draft, which is unlikely, given your skill as a communicator and your emotional IQ.

When I taught writing, I'd urge my students to respect their audience by getting to the point (Lead with the lede.) and getting off the stage (Don't clench the podium.).

100% agree. When I worked with students who wrote for me, and especially when working with our son I gave them two main editing tools:
First, read it outloud to yourself. If it doesn't sound good it's a not well constructed thought.
And two, if you remove a word, phrase, sentence or paragraph and you are still making the same exact point - leave them out.

I haven't gone back and looked at what I wrote last night, but since it was stream of (semi) consciousness, I expect it to at least have hit on all the notes I want to hit.
So I can tighten all those up which should knock 25% off easily. And then it will likely make sense to ditch the weakest/least important 25% of the points.  So what remains is a tight one pager.

Hmmm.
So I just read what I wrote.
My initial takeaway was that I found it surprisingly defensive.
I am sure that can partially be attributed to writing while in a lot of pain, very tired, and with the pain meds kicking in... but certainly not wholly.
What I think it speaks to is likely a fear of being judged by my sisters, and so I preemptively struck out with my tone to defend myself.
It is 100% the wrong way to approach ANYTHING like this, and obviously they'll never see a version remotely like that.
The basic structure and points, I think, will work. So the draft will give me something with which to work, so that's good.
And actually, the defensive tone is actually helpful too, it probably alerted me to something I wasn't consciously aware of, and something I need to address before I approach them.
I need to give them the opportunity to embrace, tolerate or reject this all on their own. And I can react to that. Reacting to what I think they might do is first and foremost completely unfair to them, but also the least likely way to achieve any type of positive outcome on my part.

So despite all of that, and really because of it, I'm awfully glad I did write this last night. I think it really was an instructive first draft on many levels.

Love,
Allie

QuoteAnd actually, the defensive tone is actually helpful too, it probably alerted me to something I wasn't consciously aware of, and something I need to address before I approach them.

^This^ is you listening to your better angels.

QuoteI need to give them the opportunity to embrace, tolerate or reject this all on their own.

And ^this^ is you hearing your best angels.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 04, 2024, 12:17:19 PM^This^ is you listening to your better angels.

And ^this^ is you hearing your best angels.

I'm going to have to see if I can get "emotional clarity" listed as a new side effect for hydrocodone/vicodin. I think it will be an uphill battle, but after all minoxidil was original used to treat high blood pressure before someone noticed it grew hair, so this could just be the next evolution of that 🤔

Hi Allie and O&C

You two seem to have things in hand in drafting 'the letter' to your sisters.  I agree two pages is too long and remember all the plans you made for your son, unravelled at the last moment, with a simple "I'm trans'. (that was so funny).

You and O&C are getting too esoteric.  Keep It Simple Stupid (KISS) principle is what you should probably use.  So might I suggest the following structure / outline?

---

Dear sister

I have to tell you something and its a very private matter about me. I'm well and healthy, so please do not worry about me in that regards.    My wife has also known about this, for a long time as well and she also helps me in this private matter.  I would very much like to tell you in person (with wife).  But distance is a problem, which precludes us from doing so.

I'm transgender meaning I have always been a female and I have been transitioning for the last period of time.

Some pertinent facts:

    1. Electrolysis
    2. Hormones.
    3. You can still call me 'your brother' (just like you did with your son)

I have sent a similar letter to your sister telling her about me.

I have already told our son and he is fully aware of what I'm doing and he fully accepts and loves me unconditionally.

I would love / like to talk with you, about this private matter and answer any questions you may have in regards to this matter, if you so wish to do so.

I will always love you no matter what happens between us.

Your loving sister / brother
Allie / (deadname)

---

I also agree that you absolutely must, without a shadow of a doubt let your wife proofread this letter

I hope this provides food for your thoughts.  I would like you to think about what your sisters thoughts could be about this matter.  Maybe bounce this question of your son?  Then you can decide what to do from there.

Your sister from across the pond and I hope you come up with a wonderful letter to your sisters.

Love and Hugs to both of you, always
Sarah B
PS Full Disclosure, 'I'm no expert on this'
@Oldandcreaky
@imallie

Thanks Sarah. Of course you're right. There are really only two basic ways to peel a banana — after that it's all just being way too cute and overly complicated.

Your outline is likely the outline, in one way or another of everyone who has done this. And even with my really defensive letter, if I turned it into bullet points, it would match the above in some fashion.

There are some more details I will go into about my history, etc... but, as mentioned, it's all banana peeling.

But it's really about tone. And yes, I will let my wife, my therapist and if our son wants to read the letters him as well.

Thanks so much!
Love,
Allie

Hi Allie

Thank you for your reply.  When you where discussing with O&C about being defensive. I did not think that was the way to go.

Whatever you do I sure that what you write, I hope will be a success.

It's 23:00 here in Aussie in about 10 minutes I will be uploading the antics of me.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
@imallie

With letters on my mind, I completely forgot to mention quite a low-key, but momentous discussion with my wife from the weekend.

We were looking/browsing houses for our eventual move to the beach (target - spring/summer '27 after she retires) and I just nonchalantly said: "You know, one thing we need to be aware of with you retiring in a couple of years, is that I need to probably get any and all surgical procedures taken care of before that point."
She immediately agreed. She said especially with the coming election, who knows what Medicare will cover and for how long, so the most logical and safest way to do things will be with our current insurance.

And that was that. But I also realized that it was our first-ever discussion about surgeries of any kind.

Well, that's not completely true, I suppose. She knows, for example, about Sara's surgery and she's asked me a few times how she's feeling and doing.  But as regards ME, I mean.

Hi Allie

I seem to find you in very good spirits, I'm sure more wonderful moments are to come.  I hope you are working on the letters, no dilly dallying, hand written (I dare you) is more personal or typed (No Email), snail mail would be interesting.  Anyway you mentioned.

Quote from: imallie on March 05, 2024, 03:27:45 PMWith letters on my mind, I completely forgot to mention quite a low-key, but momentous discussion with my wife from the weekend.

Yes, I know, I read ahead and it was definitely a momentous point in time.

Quote from: imallie on March 05, 2024, 03:27:45 PMWe were looking/browsing houses for our eventual move to the beach (target - spring/summer '27 after she retires) and I just nonchalantly said: "You know, one thing we need to be aware of with you retiring in a couple of years, is that I need to probably get any and all surgical procedures taken care of before that point."

Yes the beach life, do you need a personal life guard?  She is very cheap. She says she will do it for just lodging and food.   She has 10 years plus experience and an excellent swimmer.  She trained no less than in Australia, the land of sun, surf and sand.  If you are interested I will let her know.

I will be around I hope to see you travel that path.  At least you will have family around you.  Sounds like a great plan I approve of it.

Quote from: imallie on March 05, 2024, 03:27:45 PMShe immediately agreed. She said especially with the coming election, who knows what Medicare will cover and for how long, so the most logical and safest way to do things will be with our current insurance.

What can I say about your wife, the only thing that comes to mind is, 'unconditional love' a strength in character that knows no bounds and a doggedly determination that will protect her mate, no matter what.  I do follow American politics and the way the GOP are dealing with our issues is not welcome.

Quote from: imallie on March 05, 2024, 03:27:45 PMAnd that was that. But I also realized that it was our first-ever discussion about surgeries of any kind.

Well, that's not completely true, I suppose. She knows, for example, about Sara's surgery and she's asked me a few times how she's feeling and doing.  But as regards ME, I mean.

The journey you will be travelling will not be alone, so savor each moment. Just like I said to Sara.  I do have enough memories of my journey and it is reflected to the best of my ability to express it, so that others will be able to say, "if Sarah B can do it, so can I".  One final point, I'm a teacher, who has taught for at least 20 years and my philosophy on life is "to pass my knowledge onto others".

Love and Hugs Always to you and your Wife.
Sarah B
@imallie
PS I accidentally pressed post button and I had not quite finished it, it is now!!

Sarah - decided to let the letter marinate for a few days. But that's ok, that's very much part of my creative process. I'm 100% writing/rewriting things in the back of my mind, and when next I sit down I'll be able to bang out the next draft.
However, handwritten is a non-starter. Before Gutenberg, I would have been considered illiterate. 😂
One thing we are trained to do in professional reporting is keep our notebooks (or tapes) of interviews in case there's ever any issue. And despite my atrocious handwriting I always preferred note taking to mini recorders. No chance of opening a notebook and finding I had been writing with the wrong end of the pen, but a real chance of listening to the tape and realizing you had hit play not record. 😬
Anyway, had anyone ever questioned any quote I attributed to them.  I had the notebook. 40 years later I still do. But the thing is, it wouldn't matter because they might as well be Sanskrit.
Even I can only read them for about 48 hours... and after that, it's a struggle.

So that's a roundabout way of saying - email is very much how this is all going to go down. And trust me it's with everyone's best interest at heart.  😉

QuoteEven I can only read them for about 48 hours... and after that, it's a struggle.

It's like slowly disappearing ink!

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 05, 2024, 08:36:42 PMIt's like slowly disappearing ink!

Ha! More like "rapidly" but yes. It's really quite something. But I swear, I went to Elementary school and everything. I have all the papers and report cards with smiley face stickers and all that to prove it. My handwriting is just THE worst.

Cant be as bad as my writing, even I cant read it sometimes. Now what was that item on my shopping list? Thank goodness for tiperighters and speelchuckers or no one on here would understand me!! Saying that I doubt anyone gets my rambles----------

Quote from: davina61 on March 06, 2024, 03:50:57 AMCant be as bad as my writing, even I cant read it sometimes. Now what was that item on my shopping list? Thank goodness for tiperighters and speelchuckers or no one on here would understand me!! Saying that I doubt anyone gets my rambles----------

I will go chicken scratch vs chicken scratch with you... the thing is, in that sort of battle, there are no winners, only sadness and pity.  So maybe, we call it a draw.

Oh, by the way, I CAN draw.  Which helps, because it's much more likely that I can draw a picture of an elephant and someone would recognize it than they would if I hand-wrote the word "elephant" and asked if they had any idea what it was.