I (49 MtF) came out to my wife 4 months ago. We were happily married 24 years, but the last few months have been very rough to say the least. She has verbally attacked and abused me but I remain calm and stoic. At her request, I've taken my transition slowly by not coming out and sticking to low dose HRT.

I do not want to divorce at all costs, even if it means going back to being depressed and dysphoric. The HRT has made me happier and I'm certain it's right for me. But at my angriest I feel like I'd rather never transition and saddle my wife with a depressed person, just to spite her.

When I'm not as angry, I still try to find a compromise like maybe I can continue taking HRT but never socially transition. Just live as a woman at home, she has said she's ok with that. I know our marriage will never be the same again and I've accepted that fact.

@Allison_suddenly

Hello Allison,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

I see that you are a new member and this is your first post. Thank you for contributing to the discussions here.

I think that you will find that there are a few members who have been through what you are going through. We have many members who are married and have been able to work things out so they can stay together. Some have started as you are by only coming out at home. Whatever works for you is best.

You should understand that transitioning to any extent, is a personal choice. Not everyone wants or is able to go with HRT or further with surgeries or living full-time in their gender. Take your time. This is a long process. I would caution you to not do things "to spite" anyone. It is your life and you should be able to decide how you want to live. Transitioning is a difficult process and for some, it isn't worth it. That is no one's decision but yours.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and to share your thoughts and comments. We all come from different backgrounds and represent a wide range of experiences. No matter who you may be, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

We would like to get to know you. Once you feel comfortable here, please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum and introduce yourself and tell us something about you.

Please review the links at the end of this message, they include information that will help you navigate the site and use the available features. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and you will also be able to add an avatar to your profile. Until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at  LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee

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@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

I really know what you are going through as it happened and still happening to me too, except it was turned on its head. My wife wants nothing to do with me and only wants me to be deadname but does not care what I do outside the home. This started when I came out to her 5 years ago.

I too started very slowly thinking I could handle that but I could not I had to transition or I would not be here. But she still insists that I cannot be myself at home. I live two lives home and not home, changing in my car for work and social where I am fully socially transitioned and stealth.

She does not understand, she never will. But we get on, I will never leave her because with all the strife I love her. I still wear my ring it will never come off even though she does not wear hers.

So please do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Going back to anger is not the solution. Work with the compromises. It can and does get better(ish). Give it time.

We are all different but you are not alone, we are all here to help each other.

I have a blog where I put all my thoughts, the good and the bad. It helps me and it's for me. You could do one too 

Hugs sister
Jessica xxx

Quote from: Allison_suddenly on May 16, 2024, 09:31:46 PMI (49 MtF) came out to my wife 4 months ago. We were happily married 24 years, but the last few months have been very rough to say the least. She has verbally attacked and abused me but I remain calm and stoic. At her request, I've taken my transition slowly by not coming out and sticking to low dose HRT.

I do not want to divorce at all costs, even if it means going back to being depressed and dysphoric. The HRT has made me happier and I'm certain it's right for me. But at my angriest I feel like I'd rather never transition and saddle my wife with a depressed person, just to spite her.

When I'm not as angry, I still try to find a compromise like maybe I can continue taking HRT but never socially transition. Just live as a woman at home, she has said she's ok with that. I know our marriage will never be the same again and I've accepted that fact.

Hmmm - so, just to get this straight - you are going to do something out of spite, that will hurt you and the woman you married (and I am guessing love?).. because.. why?.. it will hurt her more? it will hurt you..   
Maybe you need to stop acting like a 16 year old and more like the mature 40 something you proport to be?..

Maybe just for a second, have a look at what bombshell you dropped on your partner 4 months ago and ascertain how you accommodated her feelings in this after '24 years of happy marriage'.  If 'verbal abuse' is her being angry at you, then maybe consider what is driving that anger and how would be best to negotiate the way forward.. pouting, doing things out of spite and generally feeling sorry for yourself will end in your divorce and honey, you will have nothing to say about that. A marriage is a partnership, work together or move apart.

Quote from: SoupSarah on May 16, 2024, 11:29:54 PMHmmm - so, just to get this straight - you are going to do something out of spite, that will hurt you and the woman you married (and I am guessing love?).. because.. why?.. it will hurt her more? it will hurt you..   
Maybe you need to stop acting like a 16 year old and more like the mature 40 something you proport to be?..

Maybe just for a second, have a look at what bombshell you dropped on your partner 4 months ago and ascertain how you accommodated her feelings in this after '24 years of happy marriage'.  If 'verbal abuse' is her being angry at you, then maybe consider what is driving that anger and how would be best to negotiate the way forward.. pouting, doing things out of spite and generally feeling sorry for yourself will end in your divorce and honey, you will have nothing to say about that. A marriage is a partnership, work together or move apart.

I'm not sure what more I can do. I've given in to all of her requests to slow down my transition as much as possible, and the extreme case of that is not to transition at all. She has asked me not to come out to my kids, to family, or to live as a woman for at least 6 more years. I agreed, and I intend to keep that promise no matter what. I suspect even after those 6 years, transitioning will result in a divorce so I'm mentally preparing myself for not transitioning.

Of course I'm not going to pout and sulk at home all that time, I'll try my best to be present for the marriage and I think I will be happier than my pre-HRT days.

Hello Allison

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that Lori has also welcomed you to Susan's Place.  I noticed in your post you said:

Quote from: Allison_suddenly on May 16, 2024, 09:31:46 PMI (49 MtF) came out to my wife 4 months ago. We were happily married 24 years, but the last few months have been very rough to say the least. She has verbally attacked and abused me but I remain calm and stoic. At her request, I've taken my transition slowly by not coming out and sticking to low dose HRT.

Abuse physically, verbally or being controlled by another is not right and on top of your dysphoria is not healthy for you, now or in the long term.

Quote from: Allison_suddenly on May 16, 2024, 09:31:46 PMI do not want to divorce at all costs, even if it means going back to being depressed and dysphoric. The HRT has made me happier and I'm certain it's right for me. But at my angriest I feel like I'd rather never transition and saddle my wife with a depressed person, just to spite her.

There are other members here on Susan's that have wife, husband and children and in some cases after a long period of time they have come to accept their partners and others that have not, which usually means divorce.  There are only three possible outcomes in your case, you get divorced and you become happy, you remain married and eventually you are able to transition to a certain extent, you remain happy to a certain point or you do not and you remain unhappy.

In all of these situation you need to seek therapy of help you and your wife decide which is the best possible solution to your dilemma.

Being angry and retaliation is never an option to solving you and your wife's problems and again you need to seek therapy to help you move forward.

Quote from: Allison_suddenly on May 16, 2024, 09:31:46 PMWhen I'm not as angry, I still try to find a compromise like maybe I can continue taking HRT but never socially transition. Just live as a woman at home, she has said she's ok with that. I know our marriage will never be the same again and I've accepted that fact.

Compromise is always good

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the various forums.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new from new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most of us have experienced these as well.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Allison_suddenly

First things first, welcome to Susan's Place, Allison!

Quote from: Allison_suddenly on May 17, 2024, 12:57:48 AMI'm not sure what more I can do. I've given in to all of her requests to slow down my transition as much as possible, and the extreme case of that is not to transition at all. She has asked me not to come out to my kids, to family, or to live as a woman for at least 6 more years. I agreed, and I intend to keep that promise no matter what. I suspect even after those 6 years, transitioning will result in a divorce so I'm mentally preparing myself for not transitioning.

Of course I'm not going to pout and sulk at home all that time, I'll try my best to be present for the marriage and I think I will be happier than my pre-HRT days.

My goodness, it's glaringly obvious from here that the first thing you should do is give it more time. You've given her practically zero time to work through this.

For her  this is the loss of her husband, with all of the accompanying stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She needs time to process through all of this.

Maybe you need to try couples counselling. I would also ask if you are working through your transition with a therapist?

In any event, you've done yourself a favour by coming here, and I look forward to seeing you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Traditional dating has the guy making the first move and the girl deciding whether they should date.
Maintaining this pattern suggests the "guy" needs to bring up transition and listen to his wife about how they should proceed. Coming out will affect her as well.

Which is what I did.   I had a bold move, buying an wearing red satin PJs to bed.  We had the talk and set ground rules.

For us, the biggest issue is that I looked good in itty bitty clothes that triggered her own body image issues. I can wear a 2 piece bikini in front of a mirror.
She could not go into a VS.  Nothing fit.

Going slower is a good idea for many girls.  There is a lot to learn if you want to "pass."
You have learned male mannerisms that need to be changed. I think there may be hard wired mannerisms that females on the autism spectrum lack that are present in normal women.

There is an art and science to dressing properly.  Women are constantly judged by how they look.
You may be unfamiliar with this scrutiny, having never faced the consequences of making a horrible choice. 
The rules for guys at weddings are so simple "even a caveman could do it." 
No so for girls.  There are literally landmines everywhere for women.

Allison,
  When I came out to my wife some time ago, she went through all the adjustments or mourning her lost husband. I gave it a lot of time and didn't push. I strived to let her see that I was a better person now and free of the anger and hostilities that had plagued me most of my life. I went slow on the dressing up as well but continued my journey with HRT. Now she has had time to except it we are great friends and our relationship is much better.
Give her time to adjust. I'ts a lot to take in for them. Best wishes
Gina

Doing something in spite of someone may make you feel good short term like you're teaching them a lesson or something but in the long run you'll only be hurting yourself and your relationship. I know bc I used to do that all the time for little things and in the end I wish I would have just did what I wanted to do and if it upset someone else then that's on them to deal with their emotions. Now obviously in terms of a marriage and a union then is different. You're both a team. And just like a team your only as good as your weakest link right. So you can only transition as fast as they can handle assuming you want to try to keep your relationship in tact.

Sometimes I feel my wife doesn't want me to transition bc of her own body insecurities. She has always said how I pretty much look good in anything I wear even if it's her short jean shorts or her leggings or mine, even feminine underwear. I know thats not my issue to deal with but obviously bc I love her I def don't want to do anything to make it harder for her to deal and cope with her own issues as well.

I don't think I'd ever be more feminine than my wife, yet alone be remotely passable as a woman with out a loy of surgery. I have been bodybuilding and into fitness for over 24 years and during that time I have used steroids as well. So my frame is very very masculine frame. Granted I have a nice body for a man, I feel at best I could hope for is to be able to pass as a middle aged woman who used to bodybuild and had also used steroids which is why I'd look more masculine and have more muscle or bigger frame than most women.

Anyways sometimes I feel my wife gets jealous of me and my ability to maintain my body as I want. And I know she feels bad about herself (as she feels she been letting herself go) while I stay consistent and dedicated to my fitness. I feel that's why she doesn't like to go to the gym with me anymore. But again I'm doing what I need to do for me, for my soul, for myself so I don't go crazy and what ever else right, and it's not on me how she feels about herself bc of that.

You have to do what's best for you. No one else will make you a priority and your health a priority other than you. You will either sacrifice and give it up and be depressed and possibly kill yourself one day or at best harbor some serious resentment for her, or you can transition and do what's best for your mental health, and that doesn't mean you'll lose her. You might but you might not either. Only you know your wife that well. And if you go slow with time she maybe able to deal with more and more as you transition and include her in the process.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on May 23, 2024, 04:04:31 PMDoing something in spite of someone may make you feel good short term like you're teaching them a lesson or something but in the long run you'll only be hurting yourself and your relationship. I know bc I used to do that all the time for little things and in the end I wish I would have just did what I wanted to do and if it upset someone else then that's on them to deal with their emotions. Now obviously in terms of a marriage and a union then is different. You're both a team. And just like a team your only as good as your weakest link right. So you can only transition as fast as they can handle assuming you want to try to keep your relationship in tact.

Sometimes I feel my wife doesn't want me to transition bc of her own body insecurities. She has always said how I pretty much look good in anything I wear even if it's her short jean shorts or her leggings or mine, even feminine underwear. I know thats not my issue to deal with but obviously bc I love her I def don't want to do anything to make it harder for her to deal and cope with her own issues as well.

I don't think I'd ever be more feminine than my wife, yet alone be remotely passable as a woman with out a loy of surgery. I have been bodybuilding and into fitness for over 24 years and during that time I have used steroids as well. So my frame is very very masculine frame. Granted I have a nice body for a man, I feel at best I could hope for is to be able to pass as a middle aged woman who used to bodybuild and had also used steroids which is why I'd look more masculine and have more muscle or bigger frame than most women.

Anyways sometimes I feel my wife gets jealous of me and my ability to maintain my body as I want. And I know she feels bad about herself (as she feels she been letting herself go) while I stay consistent and dedicated to my fitness. I feel that's why she doesn't like to go to the gym with me anymore. But again I'm doing what I need to do for me, for my soul, for myself so I don't go crazy and what ever else right, and it's not on me how she feels about herself bc of that.

You have to do what's best for you. No one else will make you a priority and your health a priority other than you. You will either sacrifice and give it up and be depressed and possibly kill yourself one day or at best harbor some serious resentment for her, or you can transition and do what's best for your mental health, and that doesn't mean you'll lose her. You might but you might not either. Only you know your wife that well. And if you go slow with time she maybe able to deal with more and more as you transition and include her in the process.

I had a girl friend that lived with me and she was in a frenzy because I would wear leggings around her.   She said something once that gave away her female Physic.  She said "I feel like you are competing against me" I was not doing that I just wanted to be a part of her world and more connected with her on a female side of things, but I did have better legs than hers.   

@she she sometimes I wonder if my wife is concerned that I would be a better looking woman than her, since she is about 5 years older than I am. If that is one of her concerns (which I am not saying it is or isn't) I imagine it would be a very small concern compared to the other concerns she has about her husband wanting to become a woman lol. But I can't lie the though has crossed my mind since she always says I have a butt and legs that most women would kill for. Lol so at least my lower body would pass (once the small appendage is transformed into something else lol)

My wife has been my oncologist who has provided the transexual treatments for me. Somehow I live as a Transexual woman, a type of parent, and spouse, but virtually a transexual. Many  people feel anger through confusion. I do not really have Dysphoria anymore, but I live with a solitary feeling of my psyche, and an individual process of how to control my sexual impulsivity. My wife and I love each other and we love our whole huge family, yet to live ogether as Lesbians has not been in the picture.I never try to get even with her or sabotage her. Sometimes I compare though. I comapare my marriages and relationship to my family a lot, to a hetero norm, of a couple raising their children in the home. I believe all circumstances, and situations are unique. I struggle a little with so called blasphemy, as while I am no longer in a new beginning, my means are limited, and my interest in paying for sex  is within boundaries. It seems like you are comparing, and competing with your wife, really women shouldn't do that. For me I had to take it slow, and really try to understand the process of what I was going through, with influential voices making me feel that living alone meant failure. As a Transexual I do not know of any other way, it is just my call not to to get too trendy, flirty, or faddish. It is up to me to live my life, while I share it with others, it is not oriented to being an attack that is behavioral, to others, or on others value system.