Had an incredible lunch today. Not the food (I mean, it was fine...) but the company.
Went to lunch with a long-time friend. She was the marketing director of a big local company and I sold her on a sponsorship with the college's athletic program back in the day, and just over lunches like this over the years, we struck up a close friendship.
Even though I haven't worked since my headache disability struck 10 years ago, we still stay in touch via FB, and (Covid-aside) we try to get together once or twice year. She was someone that was on the tail end of my "I want her to hear it from me list."
And she immediately clicked into "we need lunch" mode!
She had tons of questions... but they all came from a place of love and concern. And she could not stop paying me compliments that, I have to admit, really landed for me. "You look so much more like YOU than you have ever looked before! I'm not sure if I'm saying that right or if that's bad or something," she said... and I think from the big smile on my face she knew she'd nailed it.
That's what I told her was exactly the way I describe it. I feel more like me than I ever have. She just marveled at the way I carried myself and looked and everything... and, trust me, this was/is someone who would tell me different. In fact, at one point she said "You know I love you right? But you know I'd tell you the god's honest truth about how you look too, yes? You really look amazing. If I just walked in here I'm not sure I would have even figured out it was you."
I don't want to downplay that stuff. I think doing that is a bit disingenuous... and I think it's the kind of entitled thing someone who looks pretty good is allowed to say. So, yes, I really appreciate her saying it, and I'm glad I look good. Because seeing "me" in the mirror makes me happy... I honestly don't know if I honestly could tell the difference without hearing it from other people, you know? I guess I'm just trying to be sensitive when I say that. I hope I am.
You know, with friends like this... I feel overwhelming love and support. She talks about how brave I am (which I very much try to deflect to the real brave person - my wife), how great it is that I can be happy, etc. And I think she sees me as me. The real me.
But these people in my life will never, and can never fully see me as a woman... and I think that's ok. I think it's unfair to want or need that from them. Because I don't. I need that from me. What I am getting from her... gosh, it filled my tank to the point of overflowing.
Love,
Allie
