Hey all,

So after my introduction post and getting a warm welcome a few people have suggested I try creating a blog of my own journey so here goes ☺️

I'm a pre everything mtf (I think) and it's something I've always dealt with by pushing away and trying to ignore it but I'm 30 next week and I'm tired of living my life to everyone else's standard.

My teen years and first half of my 20s revolved around just trying to stay as quiet as possible and not cause any issues to which my mothers ex husband would go beating me for - he was an evil person to say the least. And so when I was in my teen years starting to understand myself I pushed everything away so that I didn't look out of place and could be the perfect "son" that he wanted. I mean I wasn't very successful in pushing it away but when I did anything remotely feminine it was hidden away as though it were a huge taboo secret.

My years of 25-29 were spent trying to forgive myself and explore myself more and so my 30s I'm determined to love and accept myself no matter where that road may lead.

Currently I'm so scared of where it will lead though but there's also a huge part of me which is excited as anything to start my journey to being me.

It sounds awful but because of everything I endured I became a massive lier to myself and everyone else in meaning that I will literally put everyone else's expectations first and then lie to myself pretending I'd enjoy it. For instance I started the gym in order to lose weight and got myself a pt who has grown to be a really brilliant friend. The only issue is he's a total alpha male (biggest softie personality wise) and so when we train he's like oh yeah you want bigger muscles don't you and look good for all the women and I just lie to go along with it when in actuality it stresses me out like made, I just want to get a flat tummy and bigger bum. So I'm at a point where I'll try to lie to myself and say I'm just making all the dysphoria up and then I'll look at a woman who has her hair nice and in a nice dress and be like gosh I wish I was her.


Anywayssss sorry for rambling I'll try to get better at not doing that 😅

Ramble away dear, that's what a blog is all about.

What a wonderful start. I look forward to future updates to your story. So many of us started in similar ways, feeling similar feelings, and having similar experiences. What makes us unique is how we move forward, how we handle the obstacles, and what achievements we gain for ourselves.

@Helen994
Dear Helen:
I think it is wonderful that you have started your own personal Blog thread.  It will not only allow you to track your progress but your personal thread will be in effect your personal transition journal.  Just writing details out like you have is not only a good recap for your readers and followers but it also can be good personal therapy for you as well. 

As you might already be aware, I have my personal transition thread here on the Forums but I also keep a personal pen & paper journal at home complete with colorful doodling and appropriate snapshot photos.  I have kept a personal journal since I was in Junior High School... we called them "Diaries" back then.
I find that when I have difficult issues that I am working through that writing down my thoughts helps me to ponder and to formulate positive solutions.    When things are going well, I certainly write about those things as well.

As your thread garners more regular readers and followers you can expect joyful and congratulatory responses to your good news and when your news is not so good, you will find your readers and followers offering their ears to listen and their shoulders for you to lean on.

On cold and rainy nights when I am staying in, I often find myself in my comfy chair in front of my fireplace thumbing through and reviewing my journals, that is when I can gain insights as to what I need to do to overcome future difficulties and to see how to avoid future problems....  I can spend hours just reading and reminiscing about my past life events.

I have carefully read and digested your very first introduction postings and your other postings that you had submitted on other Forum threads and topics ever since you became a member about 2 weeks ago.

I will be eagerly following your new Blog thread, please, if you will, continue to keep it updated as you feel comfortable doing. 

The subject title that you have chosen for your Blog thread "Helen's journey to living a happier life" is a positive and wonderful way to start out with your journey.

Here on the Forum you will certainly come across many like-minded members here, some will become very good friends as you share your thoughts with one-another on the various threads around the Forums but also in Personal Message exchanges.

Thank you for starting and posting your new personal Blog thread....
...you will find it quite beneficial to you and perhaps it will provide help and encouragement to others that read it.

HUGS and well wishes,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

Welcome to the blog world! Hopefully it will give you an outlet to share your story, along with your thoughts and concerns! We'll be reading!

Love,
Allie

Nice to see you started a blog, Helen. Sorry to hear about your abusive past. Many of our members, myself included have endured abusive upbringings. I look forward to more of your story. I believe you have enough posts to change your avatar now.

Hey everyone,

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Life's been pretty horrible recently.

I was suffering with a horrible cold which knocked me around a lot as I was still working and couldn't rest.

On top of that I did something stupid, I ended up cutting my hair and trying to force myself back into hiding away from myself.

I've noticed when I do this I tend to not be happy in life generally. My room becomes an utter disgrace (rubbish left everywhere, dirty plates unmade bed, clothes just thrown everywhere), I stopped looking after myself (can't bare to shower even after a sweaty gym, I stopped moisturising, cleaning my teeth etc) and spent pretty much everyday telling myself my suicidal thoughts about not being me was just a case of low self confidence in being a man and trying to convince myself I'm not actually a woman.

Sorry it's not a more positive update everyone 😭

Hi Helen,

Yes, sometimes that happens.  Hopefully as you become more accepting of yourself this will happen less and less.  It can be a long hard journey to accept yourself.


Good luck!

Marion

Quote from: Helen994 on July 03, 2024, 05:06:30 AMHey everyone,

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Life's been pretty horrible recently.

I hear you, and it sounds like you've been going through a really tough time, transitioning is a journey there will be up and downs on the road there.

QuoteI was suffering with a horrible cold which knocked me around a lot as I was still working and couldn't rest.

On top of that I did something stupid, I ended up cutting my hair and trying to force myself back into hiding away from myself.

It's completely normal to feel down after being sick and on top of that struggling with gender identity.

QuoteI've noticed when I do this I tend to not be happy in life generally. My room becomes an utter disgrace (rubbish left everywhere, dirty plates unmade bed, clothes just thrown everywhere), I stopped looking after myself (can't bare to shower even after a sweaty gym, I stopped moisturising, cleaning my teeth etc)

I know what you mean, been there before. You've identified the pattern of self-isolation that follows when feeling low. Can you try doing one small thing today to break the cycle? Maybe take a shower, or put a load of laundry in the wash. Small wins can build momentum.

Quoteand spent pretty much everyday telling myself my suicidal thoughts about not being me was just a case of low self confidence in being a man and trying to convince myself I'm not actually a woman.

Sorry it's not a more positive update everyone 😭

Here, I am very familiar with the drill and perhaps many in the community. Is there a friend, family member, therapist, or someone else you can reach out to? Talking about how you're feeling can be a huge weight off your shoulders.

Remember, you're not alone in this. There are people who care about you and want to help.  Things can get better.

I was going to say the same thing. @Lilis hit the nail on the head. We empathize with what you are going through and wish we could do more to help. Sometimes just doing a simple "normal" chore can help us get back to feeling like ourselves. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Hey, I just got back from work, had a mini break down where I was just staring at all the mess in my room and how I look and smell from a long day at work and nearly broke down in tears. I took your advice and going to try at least tidying up and giving myself a good shower and trying to relax in the water just like let it was away all the bad thoughts.

Even know typing this I just feel so stupid, like I turned 30 last week surely it shouldn't be that hard to keep on top of my life and stuff? And then that just makes me feel worse.

Just wish I could be normal 🤦🏻�♀️

It's odd it's like when I try repressing everything I turn into a completely different person I end up snapping at everyone and arguing with my mum and feel so crappy about it but then when I'm true to myself I'm a lot better.

I just feel if I'm true to myself I'll end up hurting everyone around me. Whereas if I lie to myself I end up hurting everyone anyone anyways 😭

Hi Helen,

Do you have a gender therapist to talk with about these feelings? It seems like you are just getting started and struggling to figure it out independently. We are our own worst critics, and our opinions of ourselves are never objective. It can help to have someone who knows what it is like to be there to guide you.

Have you started any medical transition, such as hormones? A therapist can help you figure out if that will help you if you haven't. If you have, when are your next lab tests? The reason I ask is because I went through a similar period not too long ago and the labs showed my hormones were low and so were my vitamin levels. With both being low it had a compounding effect that made me feel very bad.

If you have a GP, perhaps talking to them might help figure it out. My Primary Physician noticed it with me, and now things are back on track. Is this an option for you?

Hey LoriDee,

Unfortunately not yet, it's been rammed at work and I work stupidly long hours until the kids break up from school (July is the time for uk for schools six weeks off).

At the minute it's just me and everyone here I talk to about any of this so it's all just constantly going in circles in my head. I tried coming out to my sister and mum yearsss ago but put myself back in the closet so to speak and when we out for my brithday last week when it was just me and my sister we was on about how I change my mind so much and she commented about how she was right years ago when I said I was wrong on being a woman and although it wasn't meant nasty at all and I feel once the truth is out she'd probably be my biggest supporter, it makes it difficult to be more open with her now.

Like I'm worried if I be like surprise I lied all along and the issues never went away she'd either be annoyed I lied or worse be like oh it's just a phase again if that makes sense?

I get it. My dad said I had been lying to him because I didn't tell him when I first came out. I explained that I wasn't lying, I just didn't feel comfortable talking about such a personal issue.

You have never lied about it. You are undecided because you are still learning what all of this means and whether or not it applies to you. Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't. Gender is not cut and dried this or that. It is a spectrum and many people, even here at Susan's flow back and forth along that spectrum. It is not right or wrong.

I would strongly suggest you seek out a therapist or psychologist with experience in gender identity. They can explain things to you and help you figure out what is going on. You may be something you hadn't considered. It is not either/or. You could even be gender fluid. Some days you feel one way, the next day something else, maybe even some days both or nothing.

The important thing is that you are not lying, to yourself or anyone else. It isn't a matter of changing your mind. Maybe that is how you felt at that time. Maybe you feel differently tomorrow. It is all perfectly normal.

Just remember that people who do not experience the things we do have a very hard time understanding what we go through. They can still love us and support us, but maybe just don't really understand. That is ok. Because as you learn, you start to understand, then you can help them understand. Some will not be interested in trying. Some will be supportive, and some won't. You are not responsible for how they think or feel. That is their issue to address. All you can do is be true to yourself and let others see that you are just being you.

I guess I'm just scared that if I'm true to myself I'll end up being all alone with no one and I had that before when I lived with my mums ex husband (I stayed with him stupidly long story when mum and my sister left) and thst was 5 years by myself constantly told that no one wants me and that I'm unlovable and i guess I'm scared that if I come out to my sister it'll start a ball rolling and everything he said will end up true. 

The thing is I do feel like I lied because when I did open myself up and put myself back I knew I shouldn't have, and when I gave my sister the makeup I brought I knew I shouldn't be doing it but did anyways trying to pretend everything was not the way it was 😭😭

I am definitely going to be getting professional help it's just more a question of when at this point just cause of work

I was very lucky to have the support of my wife, who knew before we got married that I was transgender!
 I never had the need for professional help.  She was an expert in mental health issues and was a support group leader for NAMI.  Somewhere I still have a picture of her lobbying Congress to support mental health issues.

What's Nami never heard of this? 😅

Happy 4th July to all my American friends ❤️

About NAMI
NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, the nation's largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness.

Ohhh ok being from the uk I wouldn't have across this group sorry ❤️

So I have been wracking my brains all day over what I would say to my sister about everything and thought I'd write it here so I can reread it if I need to (sisters name is changed)


Hey Lucy,

Before you carry on reading this I just wanted to start by saying that once you've read this if you don't want anything to do with me don't feel any pressure that you have to but I will always love you.

im sorry for lying to you for all these years, when I told you before I was wrong about being a trans woman I was lying. Those feelings never went away I just pretended they had. When I brought the bag of makeup round to you to give you on both times I had to pull up down the street because I ended up in floods of tears knowing I did wrong.

So why am I telling you this now? Honestly it's because everyday I feel I'm a step closer to ending things permanently and can't keep living like this.

In my head I see a beautiful woman who's happy and living life to her fullest which is always taken away from me whenever I look at my reflection and I don't know who the person in the mirror is.

I know it's a long road ahead and at the end of my days I may have potentially lived a very lonely and secluded life being the true me but I'd rather that then constantly wishing for the next life every single day.

I'm sorry to be a disappointment and know this is probably not easy to read but I will love always love you.

Your sister ❤️