I would like to ask - Before your transition, how much time of your day you spent thinking about transition? i mean, 10% of your time? 20%? 80%? how much time that was part of your thoughts?

Hi Anonymous

Nice to see to you again, I hope things are going well for you.  You mentioned in your post "A question regarding transition";

Quote from: anonymous24 on July 21, 2024, 08:43:12 PMI would like to ask - Before your transition, how much time of your day you spent thinking about transition? i mean, 10% of your time? 20%? 80%? how much time that was part of your thoughts

I thought about it in light of my past and seriously even I cannot quantify the amount of time that I spent thinking about my situation.  If I did it would have to go like this 8 hours sleep, 6 hours swimming, 8 hours of work.  Which only left 2 hours left.  Which is approximately 10% of the day left to do any normal thinking.

Weekends you could forget, it was either competition swimming or some other activity.  Which at this point it becomes pointless to keep tabs on how much time I would have spent on longing or wanting to be female.

The last two years before I changed my life around, the thoughts did increase, but they never interfered in my life.  I never worried about them, they were a part of me.  When I did think about it or do something, buy clothes or get dressed, the amount of time was very short.  Why did it not bother me?

In hindsight now it's obvious that I was a female and I was just doing things that I liked, regardless of my situation.  So I never thought about 'transition',  but then again the word 'transition' was not around in my time.  So how could I?  Other members will of course have different answers to your question.

Which brings me to your post.  How much time are you thinking about it and exactly what are you thinking about, during those times?

Which leads to me to the following questions, have you spoken to any therapist about your situation?  What are you doing about these thoughts and what can you do about them.  You have been having these thoughts since you were 16 and you need the peace of mind that you so richly deserve in regards to your issues.

One last thought for you, I never thought about longing or wanting to be a female, ever again when I changed my life around, why?  I was living my life as a female.

Take care and all the best and please let us know how you are going.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@anonymous24

For me it was different, I think. When I was first diagnosed, I didn't really understand what that meant. I spent about two years in therapy learning what Gender Dysphoria is and how that applies to me. Once I accepted that this is who I am, I decided to pursue transition and of course, I wanted it all done right away. I understand it is a lifelong journey, but I am not a young girl with my whole life ahead of me. I wanted to get it all done and start living my life tomorrow.

At first, I probably spent a lot of time thinking about it, maybe even 50% of my day. I am retired and single, so I didn't have the issues of a job or family to distract me. I made a checklist of things I wanted to happen to help me achieve my goals, and I focused on one thing at a time. This tripped me up because I thought I had to do these things in order, then later discovered that it was unimportant. Just getting things done so I could check them off the list was a big help. Get it done and move on to the next.

Lately, I have realized that many of the things I want to get done, may not happen for me in this lifetime. Finances, location, and political climate are making these very close to impossible. These are issues that I discuss with my psychologist.

I have not given up hope. When someone tells me that something cannot be done, I turn it around and think, "How can I get this done?" I don't focus on the problem. I focus on the solution and if one is not readily available, I will work on inventing one. Never say never!

Nothing is impossible... except maybe putting toothpaste back in the tube.

After 60+ years of looking at this, I have developed this view. We are born incongruent with our birth sex, and we all realise at some point in our lives that we have conflict with our sex. For some, this occurs late in life, but for others , like myself, it goes back to our earliest memories.

At 4 year old I dreamed nightly os waking up as a girl, as at the time, there wasn't a way I knew of to transition other than magic! As I grew, I learned more, and I considered transition, but felt it was not possible for me. I identified the conflict and yearnings as dysphoria, and though I was able to temporarily distract myself by being insanely busy, some level of it was always there. I learned to manage it, by giving myself periods of affirmative action.

It wasn't always thinking of transition, but often discomfort with my gender role at the time. To overcome this discomfort, I took affirming action, which often took the form of imagining transition. From my 50's, my dysphoria increased, and in my 60's, it became critical. I didn't seriously consider transition until my health declined and my doctor insisted I had no option. Then it dominated my thoughts until after my surgery.

So I have learned that thinking of transition was a way of combating dysphoria, and it didn't always take the form of actual transition, but often simple affirming thoughts.

Hugs,

Allie

I transitioned because presenting male simply didn't work for me.  I had far too many female characteristics and that would drive folks nuts as they couldn't be sure of my gender!
Now that I've transitioned without HRT I have a very feminine 32A-22-34 figure.  Weight 106 lbs with a height of 5'2".  I'm very confident about my mannerisms and voice being feminine.

I wouldn't really be able to put a % of time on my thoughts. What I can say is that the thought of transition was just very persistent. It just kept swirling around in my thoughts. Some days it was more, some days it was less. Sometimes it felt as though it went away for good, like weeks or months at a time. However, it always came back. No matter what, it always came back.

Now that I have transitioned I have found some peace in that I no longer ponder if it might help me to feel better if I transition.

Quote from: Sarah B on July 22, 2024, 04:19:41 AMHi Anonymous

Nice to see to you again, I hope things are going well for you.  You mentioned in your post "A question regarding transition";

I thought about it in light of my past and seriously even I cannot quantify the amount of time that I spent thinking about my situation.  If I did it would have to go like this 8 hours sleep, 6 hours swimming, 8 hours of work.  Which only left 2 hours left.  Which is approximately 10% of the day left to do any normal thinking.

Weekends you could forget, it was either competition swimming or some other activity.  Which at this point it becomes pointless to keep tabs on how much time I would have spent on longing or wanting to be female.

The last two years before I changed my life around, the thoughts did increase, but they never interfered in my life.  I never worried about them, they were a part of me.  When I did think about it or do something, buy clothes or get dressed, the amount of time was very short.  Why did it not bother me?

In hindsight now it's obvious that I was a female and I was just doing things that I liked, regardless of my situation.  So I never thought about 'transition',  but then again the word 'transition' was not around in my time.  So how could I?  Other members will of course have different answers to your question.

Which brings me to your post.  How much time are you thinking about it and exactly what are you thinking about, during those times?

Which leads to me to the following questions, have you spoken to any therapist about your situation?  What are you doing about these thoughts and what can you do about them.  You have been having these thoughts since you were 16 and you need the peace of mind that you so richly deserve in regards to your issues.

One last thought for you, I never thought about longing or wanting to be a female, ever again when I changed my life around, why?  I was living my life as a female.

Take care and all the best and please let us know how you are going.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@anonymous24

Hi Sarah,

First of all i would like to thank you for asking me about my feelings. thats not obvious in our society today.

I actually think about it few times a day i think. it doesent bother me so much, probably because i repress it. i trying "not to think about it" too much, as i always think that it will dissapear some day. or that i could "live with it" without doing anything regarding transition.

This time i just cant do anything in this case, mainly because of my parents. i think that i will hurt them so much that i cant even think about it. telling them i have trans feeling can be harmful to them.

Quote from: anonymous24 on July 27, 2024, 07:20:49 PMThis time i just cant do anything in this case, mainly because of my parents. i think that i will hurt them so much that i cant even think about it. telling them i have trans feeling can be harmful to them.

Why do you think this, sweetie? Tell me about your parents. What are they like? What is your life like with them that you feel this way?

I know a mom who has posted pictures of her new daughter on her Facebook page!
She told me she has trouble remembering her new pronouns no matter how hard she tries.

I think about some level of HRT quite often to be honest.   I know I can not go all the way because of family etc etc so I think about it at a reduced level at least to help my dysphoria issue that nags at me from time to time.   I'm trying to get the courage to see a trans doctor to start but I have not quite got to the point just yet.   I did go as far as to select a Dr who is F/M himself.  I think I could find my place if I did grow some breast tissue and other suttle changes that would not create a loss of family,, my daughter is the one that I would be concerned with. I have not been married for 30 years so that is not a issue.   Thats my story     

I understand your concerns, but I think you might be under a misconception. Breast growth is not determined by how much hormones you take. It is mostly genetic. Your body will respond to it in your system. A "low-level" dose will either be too low and not be very helpful, or it will be enough to get the breasts to grow. Once they grow, genetics take over and size will be determined by other factors. Merely taking a small amount of hormones will not necessarily help you with dysphoria. If it does, perhaps your dysphoria is mild enough that you could transition without it. Changing your appearance with clothing, breast forms, and wigs can help without making anything permanent. You can take them off if the situation dictates. They are available when you need them.

I am glad you found a supportive doctor. That is great! Discuss this with them. Let them know your concerns and what you are attempting to achieve.

How you live your life is up to you and no one else. Have you discussed the possibility of transition with your daughter? Maybe dance around the subject to get a feel of how she might respond? You might not know about her secret friend who is LGBTQ that she has not discussed with you, and it turns out that she could be very supportive.

Something that I learned is that we must live our own lives to achieve happiness, regardless of anyone else's feelings. Explain things to them. Help them understand. But it is their decision to stay or leave, not yours. Keeping them around under pretenses is dishonest and not a good way to approach any relationship. Talk to her. Let her decide for herself how she feels about it. She may be against it, to begin with, but after seeing that you are a happier you, change her position. She may talk to her circle of friends and realize it isn't the end of the world. Give her the chance to decide.

I am glad that you are giving these things some thought before blindly jumping in. In other words, you are doing it right. 

Quote from: Sephirah on July 27, 2024, 07:49:58 PMWhy do you think this, sweetie? Tell me about your parents. What are they like? What is your life like with them that you feel this way?

My mother is one of the most emotional persons i ever knew. she takes everything to her heart. and when it comes to me, thats much stronger. if she know something bad happen to me, than she would react very hard. she always like to protect me and take care of me, even though im 35 years old. again, she is super-emotional and i think she will cry for days and will take that very hard if i will tell her about my trans feeling. i also did made her hard times in the last years, which caused her alot of sorrow, so thats even make it harder for me.

Otherwise than her, i dont afraid telling no one, including my father and my siblings. the hardest part is my mom. i just cant even tell her a word about this.

Transition or dysphoria was on my mind or in the back of my mind almost all the time. 

Hi Anonymous

Just a thought I have had, is there a name that you would like to be called.  'Anonymous' seems so impersonal.  You deserve to be recognized for who you truly are.  It would be nice and if you decide, we at Susan's can change your name, if you so wish.

Thank you for telling us a little about your mum.  Even though you have told us your mum is very emotional.  You have not said anything about other family members including where you live.  It would be nice to hear a little bit more about your family situation.

Please remember that you only share what you are comfortable in sharing and anything you say here can be read by anyone on the internet.  If you want to have a private conversation then it is possible with PM's here on Susan's or on Susan's Discord channel.

You have indicated that your mum is protective of her family and that is what it should be.  That is what mothers do.  However, you have also indicated that when you did something 'wrong', your mother reacted emotionally.  Regardless of what you did or the reason why is not the issue at the present stage.  Why?

Your mother is using Emotional Blackmail, to control you.  In other words you do something 'wrong' or whatever then she will cry for days and have a lot of sorrow.  Do you know what her thoughts are on 'trans' people are?  It seems she may, because you allude to the fact if you did tell  her, she would not like it one bit and would react in the way you have already described.

You have said, you are 34 years old and you have had these feelings of wanting, longing or being a woman since you were 16 years old.  Let me tell you now, these feelings are not going to go away, unless you do something about them.  If you have been reading Susan's for 14 odd years, then you know, these feelings do not go away as countless members have said 'these feelings do not go away' unless they did something to alleviate those symptoms.  I know as I'm one of those.

You asked "And im asking – am I trans or not?"  In my opinion and my opinion only, I would say, Yes.  However, only you and only you can make that determination.  Not your mum nor your family, only you.  The only way that you are going to be able to sort this issue out is to seek 'therapy' with a psychiatrist, psychologist or counsellor that specializes in Gender Identity issues and you need to do this soon for your sake.

If your mother or family did find out about you then there is nothing you can do about it.  You can "help them understand," as Lori said.  However, they still may try to control you, by whatever means.  However, they are adults just like yourself and your happiness is paramount to theirs.

If they are hurt by what you do, then that is their problem, they are adults and will deal with it in their own way.  You do not want to be 65 (whatever age) years old and regret that you did not do anything about your feelings and your immediate family have passed on.

I was 30 years old and my feelings of longing and wanting to be a female were growing stronger and stronger to eventually,  I left all my friends and family behind,  I did not tell them what I was going to do.  In other words I sacrificed everything, the good life I had, to change it around and have a much better life than I ever did before.   Luckily for me, my family accepted me unconditionally.

Let me iterate and emphasize, you need to live your own life, you are an adult and you do not need to be dictated by others on how you live your life.  You need to ensure that your happiness is paramount, that is not to say that you consider the effects that you may have on others.  I certainly considered the effects, that what I was going to do, did not affect my family and friends.  I did this by moving 4,000km away essentially disappearing.

However, you have the final say in what you do and I hope you find the happiness that I did.  Take care and all the best for the future.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@anonymous24

I don't know if transition per se was on my mind, meaning the mechanics of all of this... but the longing to live authentically, and the repercussions of trying to do so... trying to figure out if there was ANY possible way to do so without hurting others, etc.. that was always percolating in the background, and when dysphoria struck, it was the thought that drowned out all other thoughts for minutes, hours or sometimes days at a time.

I think it was only after my first therapy session — when I first started offloading all of "this" from my brain into the real word by discussion it with someone else, did I start to give thought to how this would all play out.

Love,
Allie

I do not know how much time I think about my transitioning.  I cannot say with any accuracy what percentage of my time I think about it.  I think about it more when I face barriers to transitioning I suppose. 

I go to work now as my true female self, so I do not think about being accepted by others for who I am when working.  At least, not anymore.

I just wish I was born female and lived my entire life as a female.  Transitioning is not really fun at all.  It is like trying to get to where you should have been all along. 

I think transitioning ideally should be like being on a one way street, always making forward progress but sometimes stalling at a traffic signal.  But I have reached and been on traffic circles or roundabouts.  It can at times be like reversing direction or going in circles.  Actually, you have forward progress and sometimes backtrack.  At least, that has been the case for me.

Best wishes,

Chrissy


#Devlyn #Lori #Sarah B

And then you wait at the intersection and the traffic cop waves everyone through except you.

Not really, but sometimes that's what it feels like. I think I ran out of gas waiting for my turn. 

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 02, 2024, 10:00:43 PMAnd then you wait at the intersection and the traffic cop waves everyone through except you.

Not really, but sometimes that's what it feels like. I think I ran out of gas waiting for my turn. 

Well try not to run out of gas. 

Forward march, 1,2,3,4.


Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on August 03, 2024, 03:46:30 PMWell try not to run out of gas. 

Forward march, 1,2,3,4.


Chrissy

This made me laugh. Thanks, Chrissy. 

Quote from: anonymous24 on July 28, 2024, 03:21:28 PMMy mother is one of the most emotional persons i ever knew. she takes everything to her heart. and when it comes to me, thats much stronger. if she know something bad happen to me, than she would react very hard. she always like to protect me and take care of me, even though im 35 years old. again, she is super-emotional and i think she will cry for days and will take that very hard if i will tell her about my trans feeling. i also did made her hard times in the last years, which caused her alot of sorrow, so thats even make it harder for me.

Otherwise than her, i dont afraid telling no one, including my father and my siblings. the hardest part is my mom. i just cant even tell her a word about this.

Sweetie.. if your mum cares about you and your wellbeing as much as she seems to... then wouldn't you feeling bad through living your life as someone you don't want to be... wouldn't that be something she wouldn't want for you? If she wants, more than anything, for you to feel happy, at peace with yourself, and not feeling bad about yourself... wouldn't you explaining things to her be the best thing? Wouldn't it make you both happy to lay it out there and you get on with what you need to do to affect the changes which will allow you to be at peace with yourself?

Being trans isn't something that happens to you. It's not some condition you have to either cure or manage. It's just who you are... and transition is nothing more than a process available to you, to enable you to live your life in a way that allows you to tackle the world in an authentic way. I'm not going to say it's some kind of cure for anything because it isn't. In some ways it can be hard. But then life can be hard in general.

Being trans isn't something bad that's happened to you. It's something that you've discovered about yourself that means you want to change your life to live in the best way you can. That's all it is. And if your mum cares about you as much as she seems to do... then I kind of think being honest with her is something you should seriously consider.

*hugs*