In keeping with the theme of having thread titles that give you no idea what is in it without clicking on it... (not done on purpose, honest... ) this is about tipping points.

I am interested in whether you had a single event, or moment in your life which set you on the path to discovering, accepting, or actively working towards being yourself. If there was one thing you can put your finger on which you can say "This was what tipped the scales I'd been trying to balance!"

Or... conversely, whether you were literally just waiting for the time people listened to something you were telling them since the minute you could form words.

For me, it was a dream. One dream, one night. The most vivid dream I've ever had. And I still remember the details to this day, nearly 20 years on. It wasn't quite lucid, but it felt like it. I tend to have vivid dreams most times... my subconscious seems to have the idea that it can invite all the exotic dancers and stockpile copious amounts of alcohol when my conscious self is not around to stop it... but this was on a whole other level. It was like living a version of my life which was the past, present and future rolled into one. I saw with a clarity I never had before, and have rarely had since.

What was it like for you?

For me, it was a series of events that set me on a most unexpected path. Most of this I covered in The Story of Lori's earliest posts.

The TD;LR version:

My wife and I lived in Illinois. She was finishing her Associate's Degree in Automotive Technology. I had been coming to South Dakota to do some gold prospecting and really loved it. The plan was to move here upon her graduation. We made a few trips together to decide what town we wanted to live in. About two months before graduation, she got a great job offer working nights building insulated tanker trailers. These trailers haul hot liquids (like tar for roads) and she was making good money at it.

She said she was no longer interested in moving, but I hated Illinois and wanted to move. I soon discovered that an old boyfriend of hers had returned and they picked up where they left off. I told her I was moving and if she wanted to come along, she was welcome to and we could work things out. She was not willing, so I packed up my truck and headed north.

Once I got here I was ready for a fresh start. I decided that I would no longer worry about anyone else and I would work on myself. I would get back into hiking, backpacking, camping, and prospecting. And I would seek out a therapist to begin working on figuring out what was going on with me. That led to me seeing a few different therapists and eventually my diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria. The rest is history.

The defining moment was the day I put Illinois and my former life in the rearview mirror. I had no idea how things would turn out, but I was willing to leave everything behind and embark on this journey. To this day, I have no regrets about any of it.

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 02, 2024, 05:00:07 PMFor me, it was a series of events that set me on a most unexpected path. Most of this I covered in The Story of Lori's earliest posts.

The TD;LR version:

My wife and I lived in Illinois. She was finishing her Associate's Degree in Automotive Technology. I had been coming to South Dakota to do some gold prospecting and really loved it. The plan was to move here upon her graduation. We made a few trips together to decide what town we wanted to live in. About two months before graduation, she got a great job offer working nights building insulated tanker trailers. These trailers haul hot liquids (like tar for roads) and she was making good money at it.

She said she was no longer interested in moving, but I hated Illinois and wanted to move. I soon discovered that an old boyfriend of hers had returned and they picked up where they left off. I told her I was moving and if she wanted to come along, she was welcome to and we could work things out. She was not willing, so I packed up my truck and headed north.

Once I got here I was ready for a fresh start. I decided that I would no longer worry about anyone else and I would work on myself. I would get back into hiking, backpacking, camping, and prospecting. And I would seek out a therapist to begin working on figuring out what was going on with me. That led to me seeing a few different therapists and eventually my diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria. The rest is history.

The defining moment was the day I put Illinois and my former life in the rearview mirror. I had no idea how things would turn out, but I was willing to leave everything behind and embark on this journey. To this day, I have no regrets about any of it.

That is kind of a testament to the kind of person you are, Lori. I don't know the dynamic you had with your wife but from what you have said I can take a good guess. You are a very strong person. A leap of faith is often the hardest step we ever take. I am sorry that you had to deal with that, with your wife.

I am glad you took that leap, though. That you had it within you to see what was over the horizon. You've been through a lot. And you use that to be an inspiration for others. You are the rarest of people... you can be deep in the earth but also deep in the esoteric nature of the cosmos at the same time.

You found you. That is awesome.

Thank you for sharing. <3

Quote from: Sephirah on August 02, 2024, 05:20:08 PMA leap of faith is often the hardest step we ever take. I am sorry that you had to deal with that, with your wife.

She was wife #3, so I didn't get upset, yell and throw things. I reminded her that she was not the first, but she will be the last. I knew I needed change, any change. As a practicing Survivor, I knew I had the skills and experience to start a new life. I built a camper on the back of my pickup, loaded it up with my stuff, and drove away. I got to South Dakota the first week of May and I lived in the forest until November 11, when my new apartment became available.

Was it you or Allie who said, "Everything you desire is on the other side of fear"? It is so true.

For me it was a day in the spring of '21.

I'd just come out of a particular bad stretch of dysphoria (which my wife thought was insomnia - which we part of it, plus the panic attacks and the rest of the deluxe package ...). And it all began with two words I'd never let myself ask before: "What if?..."

To that point I'd known in my heart I was trans for decades. I tried ignoring it, working through it, etc, and just generally guilting myself into ignoring it because I had so many wonderful things in my life so why did I have to be so stupid as to consider ruining it?

Plus why would I want to hurt all the people I love? No. If there is pain to be carried I will carry it myself for the rest of my life and no one else has to be hurt because I am broken.

But then the penny dropped. For years it was always that binary choice - suffer the pain silently and keep the good things I have, or hurt everyone and lose everything to live an authentic life.

But what if, I FINALLY asked this day - what if I could have it all? What if I could live authentically AND still have the people who love me and all the good in my life? What if everything became even better? What if I could get the life I always dreamed of?

It just sat there, on the other side of my fear. It took until December of that year when I first engaged with my therapist, but it was on that day when I knew the ball was in motion. I'd never conceived of a happy ending for me. And now I decided that life was too short not to go get it.

Hi Everyone

There never was a defining moment in my life that steered me in the direction that I was going to take in my life.

Some memorable moments or way points that stick out for me and are covered in 'Sarah's Story' are, pile of clothes in kindergarten and trying to find some appropriate clothing, first time I was properly dressed, sitting in an arm chair saying "this feels right",  finding the article about transsexuals, my uncle saying 'go and live as a female', the two Christmas holidays I had as Sarah, especially the second one where I spent a whole week as Sarah and the final one occurred in Feb 1989 changing my legal name.

The real defining moment I would say, was when I woke up for the second time from my operation and the feeling of peace and contentment descended over me as I looked down and realised that what I had was gone as I went back to sleep.

The rest they say is just history.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@Sephirah
@Lori Dee

It was around 7:30pm on Dec 28, 2016. I had just read yet another introduction story here on Susan's Place. Like many of the other stories, it mentioned crossdressing at an early age, never seeming to fit in, and anger issues. I thought to myself 'I could have written that'. The light bulb finally went on. I finally understood the source of my anger. For the first time in ages, I cried. When I was finished, I knew I only had two choices left. Either allow my path to continue towards an abrupt end, or transition. I'm still here, but he is a fading memory.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 02, 2024, 08:37:40 PMI'm still here

And we are grateful for that!

Hugs!
 

Of course, my experience was from a different perspective! In my earliest memories I knew I had conflicting gender, but life and circumstances prevented me form acting on it. Over the decades of self examination, I realised that I liked my male life, and the constant dysphoria was just a condition I needed to manage. I was successful at this for 60 years, but then I could no longer contain my dysphoria, and it made me sick.

My doctors advised I would need to transition to survive, but I truly did not want to transition. I realised they were right, and gave up my lifelong fight against my gender incongruence. They were correct, and transition did reduce my dysphoria, but I didn't find my true self as I had always been my true self. I just had a medical condition which needed treatment.

Hugs,

Allie

I can remember at a young age discovering my fathers Playboy stash. I would stare at those beautiful girls and imagine what it would be like to be one. In my teen years I had a very very vivid dream where I gave birth via a midwife and nurtured my newborn. It was more like a memory from a past life, and I loved it! As an adult the battle raged from denial to relief by brief crossdressing and masturbation. I would fill my free time with work on the family farm and try to stay busy. At 60 my mother died and I found out she had changed her will to take the land away from me, added that to a bit of midlife crises, 60 OMG. I did some serious soul searching and decided I no longer wanted or couldn't hide my true self. It was at this point I felt it was time to transition or commit suicide. Like the rest, I'm still here!

It was the day I bought some clothes just for me as the "oversize" shop was closing, at last some that fit me. Trouble was the ex caught me putting them away and I just blurted out I want a sex change! Getting kicked out and finding my flat just let me be myself after 60 years not that I would change them.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. This is what I was hoping for. To illustrate, really, how all roads lead to Rome, as it were.

One thing I am rather curious about @Allie Jayne is what this felt like for you. Knowing you had this discrepancy yet, as you put it, liking the life you had? How did that manifest for you? What was it you liked that prevented you from acting until you decided you couldn't anymore?

This is awesome. Learning about people and how we are all different but not so much. Anyone who hasn't, please share your own experience. There is no wrong answer. <3

Quote from: Sephirah on August 03, 2024, 05:12:34 PMThank you all for sharing your experiences. This is what I was hoping for. To illustrate, really, how all roads lead to Rome, as it were.

One thing I am rather curious about @Allie Jayne is what this felt like for you. Knowing you had this discrepancy yet, as you put it, liking the life you had? How did that manifest for you? What was it you liked that prevented you from acting until you decided you couldn't anymore?

This is awesome. Learning about people and how we are all different but not so much. Anyone who hasn't, please share your own experience. There is no wrong answer. <3

Sephira, I learned early on that I was incongruent, and ways to mitigate the dysphoria, so I was able to build  a rewarding life presenting as a male, but knowing who I was all along. I had 2 amazing children, was respected in my job, and I was married to my soul mate. We had adventures most weeks, and travelled lots. We were asked to contribute to books and documentaries, and I was able to achieve good things for my community. I was living a dream!

But I had dysphoria which disrupted my life. I had long realised that if I found affirming things to do, I could reduce my dysphoria, so for decades I expressed parts of my identity publicly (long hair etc), expressed my identity in writing stories and online participation. For 20 years my spouse realised I needed to manage my dysphoria, so agreed I could present my female side all the time I was at home. I also avoided idle time, I always had a project, and was organising people.

So I thought I could keep this up for the rest of my life, but my dysphoria increased. I did not want to risk the life I had developed, so I resisted until the cumulative stress made me sick, and after 6 months trying everything to get well, my doctor tried hormones as a 'Hail Mary' and it worked. I got my life back, and tried to stop hormones as I knew they put my utopia at risk, but I got sick again.

So I had to transition medically, and, as I had severe genital dysphoria, I needed bottom surgery. My surgeon was old time, and required a year of living my gender, so I had to socially transition. This all reduced my dysphoria, but it did cost me the wonderful life I had enjoyed. I live comfortably now, but I don't have the daily rewards I once had. I can truthfully say I am not as happy as I was prior to transition.

Hugs,

Allie 

Quote from: Allie Jayne on August 03, 2024, 07:24:13 PMSephira, I learned early on that I was incongruent, and ways to mitigate the dysphoria, so I was able to build  a rewarding life presenting as a male, but knowing who I was all along. I had 2 amazing children, was respected in my job, and I was married to my soul mate. We had adventures most weeks, and travelled lots. We were asked to contribute to books and documentaries, and I was able to achieve good things for my community. I was living a dream!

But I had dysphoria which disrupted my life. I had long realised that if I found affirming things to do, I could reduce my dysphoria, so for decades I expressed parts of my identity publicly (long hair etc), expressed my identity in writing stories and online participation. For 20 years my spouse realised I needed to manage my dysphoria, so agreed I could present my female side all the time I was at home. I also avoided idle time, I always had a project, and was organising people.

So I thought I could keep this up for the rest of my life, but my dysphoria increased. I did not want to risk the life I had developed, so I resisted until the cumulative stress made me sick, and after 6 months trying everything to get well, my doctor tried hormones as a 'Hail Mary' and it worked. I got my life back, and tried to stop hormones as I knew they put my utopia at risk, but I got sick again.

So I had to transition medically, and, as I had severe genital dysphoria, I needed bottom surgery. My surgeon was old time, and required a year of living my gender, so I had to socially transition. This all reduced my dysphoria, but it did cost me the wonderful life I had enjoyed. I live comfortably now, but I don't have the daily rewards I once had. I can truthfully say I am not as happy as I was prior to transition.

Hugs,

Allie 

This seems to be a theme. I have never been married. I keep people pretty distant because as an empath, a lot of things are overwhelming. I think I can feel what you're talking about though, Allie. When you find that special person in your life then you give probably more than half your life over to them. Because it's a largely symbiotic relationship. To quote Spock, from Star Trek: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one."

I am sorry for pressing you, Allie but what you've said I find really fascinating. What did it cost you? What do you miss that you had before?

It seems to me that... I am sorry for being blunt... but marriage is a big roadblock in all this. I have never been married because even though I can't transition, I can't go into a relationship based on being someone I am not... and even though I've had offers from some folks here over the years... it's just not me.

But this seems a very common thing. How much, would you say, was your relationship with your other half a part of your story?

Sephira, I was married twice, both women left me partly due to my being trans. My first wife wasn't a soul mate, but gave me my 2 children. My second wife was my best friend, and remains my best friend, she just feels awkward being in public with me now. She knows that is her problem.

Hormones gave me breast pain and prevented me from participating in my passion. Divorce at 67 years old does change your financial plans, and has affected my retirement plans. I don't travel so much any more. I had never lived on my own, and I loved having someone to care for, so being on my own sucks. The stresses of transition and divorce affected my employment, and I was forced to retire from my dream job before I was ready to, and the cumulative stresses of everything caused me to have a heart attack with 2 cardiac arrests, which also affected my life from then on.

So I lost much of a dream life, and, although I have recovered some of it, I know I can never get it all back. I guess most of you come from a miserable life to an enlightening, then great relief from finding 'yourself', but this was not my path. I knew who I truly was over half a century ago, and spent decades learning and managing my condition, and making my best life. When I had to change, I lost more than I gained, but I am still the same person.

Hugs,

Allie 

I basically survived life until therapy helped me recover from dissociative identity disorder. On recovery, it was noted that I was female. Luckily my biology was such that I was intersex and so transition was not challenging physically but did mean I lost everything I had spent my 50 years building up - partner, home, car, best friend, business and access to my child.

When I was 3 I was sexually abused for 2 years. I was physically abused by my mother from birth until 12 (until I could defend myself) - When I was 9 I told my mom that a mistake had been made, that I was a girl - she beat me so hard I was admitted to hospital and dissociatted into different personalities to hide my truth.  Psychological abuse continued until I left home at 18 - I then met my partner, who continued the abuse further - realising that her 'husband' had mutliple personalities and she could manipulate them as she desired. If she wanted care, she could switch in that person - wanted protection - yeah one for that - wanted intelligent and money savey - yeah a personality for that - adult love.. that was the 4 adults that lived in my body on a time share.. 2 guys and 2 girls.. a nightmare for us - but we provided everyone with what they needed.
 
I then atempted suicide in 2018 - after a failed mental health assesment by the NHS. This faliure sparked me to get some proper help (as I was having 'flashbacks' and was suffering from cPTSD as well as DID).. 3 years of hard work, reliving some desperate times, some atrocities and some heinous crimes against me. I beat DID, I merged into one person, me.. and then I started rebuilding my life.
To date, in 3 years I have found the love of my life, changed country, got married, bought a house and car - moved my daughter over to live with me and got a great job. I am happy and level and at peace. The first 50 years of my life a nightmare - hoping the next 50 are much better. My novel of my life is in the works and I am touting for publishers as we speak.

There were many things going on that led me to begin my transition, but I'd say the moment that made me no longer be able to keep living a lie was the day I had decided to die.

That was what triggered another thought "well, I already decided I no longer want to live, it wouldn't hurt to see if this transition thing works". It got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore, but I'm glad it happened and I chose to live.

The tipping point for me was more of taking advantage of an opportunity.  I had been wearing women's jeans and tops for quite some time, along with a bra under the top.  To the observant, it wasn't hard to tell there was a bra under my tops for a long time.  At some point I started padding my bra and for the most part didn't care who noticed it.  It felt right/normal to dress this way.

The opportunity was a visit to my GP for another minor issue that that needed attention.  When the initial reason for the visit was resolved I told her there was something else I need to discuss.

I'm not sure if I would have made a special appointment for transitioning or if I would have just waited for my next annual checkup, to bring it up.  In the past my annual checkups were one of the few times that I didn't underdress so she really didn't have a clue on what was coming.  To be honest I don't recall her initial reaction, I was too focused on what I needed to do and overcome emotionally to even bring up the topic.  She was supportive and after a few months and a number of visits with a therapist, I made a follow up visit. At that time she was fine with my choice/needs and she prescribed an HRT routine.

Seeing a therapist was only a recommendation my GP had, but after talking with her I thought it was a good idea.  Turns out it was a very good idea.  It did change my path a bit.

Paulie.

Quote from: Allie Jayne on August 03, 2024, 07:24:13 PMSephira, I learned early on that I was incongruent, and ways to mitigate the dysphoria, so I was able to build  a rewarding life presenting as a male, but knowing who I was all along. I had 2 amazing children, was respected in my job, and I was married to my soul mate. We had adventures most weeks, and travelled lots. We were asked to contribute to books and documentaries, and I was able to achieve good things for my community. I was living a dream!

But I had dysphoria which disrupted my life. I had long realised that if I found affirming things to do, I could reduce my dysphoria, so for decades I expressed parts of my identity publicly (long hair etc), expressed my identity in writing stories and online participation. For 20 years my spouse realised I needed to manage my dysphoria, so agreed I could present my female side all the time I was at home. I also avoided idle time, I always had a project, and was organising people.

So I thought I could keep this up for the rest of my life, but my dysphoria increased. I did not want to risk the life I had developed, so I resisted until the cumulative stress made me sick, and after 6 months trying everything to get well, my doctor tried hormones as a 'Hail Mary' and it worked. I got my life back, and tried to stop hormones as I knew they put my utopia at risk, but I got sick again.

So I had to transition medically, and, as I had severe genital dysphoria, I needed bottom surgery. My surgeon was old time, and required a year of living my gender, so I had to socially transition. This all reduced my dysphoria, but it did cost me the wonderful life I had enjoyed. I live comfortably now, but I don't have the daily rewards I once had. I can truthfully say I am not as happy as I was prior to transition.

Hugs,

Allie 

I am so sorry to hear that, Allie. And... I want to thank you for putting forward something that... I think needs to be understood. Sometimes people think transition will be this "magic bullet" that will make their lives immeasurably better. Solve every problem they have in one fell swoop, as it were. But as you've showed, life is not just how you feel about yourself physically. It's about the reflections you see in the eyes of others, not just the mirror when you see yourself. Sometimes they align, and sometimes they don't.

For some, transition is the answer to everything. It's the one thing which... is the final piece to the puzzle, as it were. The one thing holding them back. It's a positive to embrace. The door to a brave new world. But for others, transition isn't encouraging a positive, it's removing a negative, to just be able to live free from pain.

As I said, there is no wrong answer to any of this. And this thread has been hugely eye opening for me, to learn how you all deal with all this.

One thing I will say, you all have in common with your responses... is that you all show tremendous courage. The courage to look inside yourself and change things about yourself to make your lives... if not better, then... not as painful. A lot of people never do this. They are content to blame the world around them. To make it always someone else's fault.

It takes guts to look inside rather than outside. And for that, you all have my undying admiration. <3

Quote from: Sephirah on August 08, 2024, 02:32:34 PMI am so sorry to hear that, Allie. And... I want to thank you for putting forward something that... I think needs to be understood. Sometimes people think transition will be this "magic bullet" that will make their lives immeasurably better. Solve every problem they have in one fell swoop, as it were. But as you've showed, life is not just how you feel about yourself physically. It's about the reflections you see in the eyes of others, not just the mirror when you see yourself. Sometimes they align, and sometimes they don't.

For some, transition is the answer to everything. It's the one thing which... is the final piece to the puzzle, as it were. The one thing holding them back. It's a positive to embrace. The door to a brave new world. But for others, transition isn't encouraging a positive, it's removing a negative, to just be able to live free from pain.

As I said, there is no wrong answer to any of this. And this thread has been hugely eye opening for me, to learn how you all deal with all this.

One thing I will say, you all have in common with your responses... is that you all show tremendous courage. The courage to look inside yourself and change things about yourself to make your lives... if not better, then... not as painful. A lot of people never do this. They are content to blame the world around them. To make it always someone else's fault.

It takes guts to look inside rather than outside. And for that, you all have my undying admiration. <3

Sephirah, many people have told me I am courageous, but I really don't feel it. My choice was to ignore my incongruence, and this was ultimately unsuccessful, putting my life in danger. So, to survive, I relented and did what I had to do. Initially, I actually chose to risk death not to transition, but my doctor said my loved ones would carry guilt for my demise when they learned I chose to protect them. It put me in a no win situation. Courage is choosing to do something you fear, but I had no choice. I relinquished control and just did whatever my doctors said. I don't see courage in this.

Hugs,

Allie