QuoteI feel for the hurt I know I am causing my wife.

QuoteWe laugh every day and I will not hurt her.

So, are you hurting her or not?



There are women at Susan's who've configured solid, new relationships with their wives, like Jessica Rose, Allie, me, and others. I even invited you and your wife to visit my wife and me so the two of you could see what a healthy, loving relationship between a former husband and wife looks like, but you immediately declined. I assume you never even offered the possibility to your wife because you declined so quickly.

And I further observe that you never go to Jessica Rose or Allie or me or others with curiosity and humility and ask, "How did you do it?" Do you read Allie's blog? Read it everyday? She is a master communicator. You could learn a lot from her. I sure do. And you'd enjoy the teaching, as she is funny.

Have you ever asked Allie, "What exactly did you say to your wife way back when?"

If I failed and failed to run a certain set of rapids and I saw someone else succeeding, I'd pump that person for information. Why don't you want to learn how others have run the rapids successfully? Of course, it might not possible with your wife, but why not at least glean AS MUCH AS YOU CAN from those who have run the rapids? Stop posting about being sad. Navel-gazing keeps you from asking questions and learning. 

I never liked my navel.

O&C honest advice given in ignorance is not helpful.  It's like clapping with one hand.  Through the years, you offered your home and your advice.  It is always appreciated.  You read what I post here and it is filtered through what I decide to share, from my side of the story. It is only a potion of the story.

For clarity my wife has continuously refused to talk to a therapist, alone or as a couple.  I have tried multiple times to convince her. That is her decision.  I won't bully her and she won't be bullied.

I know my wife.  We have been together since 1976. I do not share the many conversations she and I have had since I was diagnosed as transgender.  I told her the week I was diagnosed. We both found out pretty much at the same time. 

I was ignorant of being transgender.  Like many, I suppressed so successfully that the diagnosis blew me out of the water.

She made clear at that time that she could not stay with me if I transitioned.  That was 2018.  Since that time we have found a way to stay together.  We compromised.

What I wrote last night was just the part of me that feels the struggle to maintain the compromise.  We both made concessions to each other and we are still together.

She has been by my side through eye surgery to feminize my eyes, facial electrolysis, androgenizing my clothes, and my recent orchiectomy.

I had maintained my male persona for her, our family, our friends and for my son to be able to pass my practice on to him.

My gender dysphoria went from a roaring scream in my ear when I first posted on Susan's in 2018 to an annoying itch like last night.

I get my "Emma" moments and I have my Emma friends.  My wife cannot share them and that makes me sad but it is a survivable sadness.

We are still together.  We talk and laugh every day. We are both doing the best we can.

Thank you for trying to be helpful,

Since I don't regularly post here, below are some photos from the days I spend being me.  For the record, my wife is aware but chooses not to be a part of those days.  Given the divorce threats in 2018 to her tolerant acceptance in 2024, our compromise is working. 

Of course, in the first photo I think I look too fat in the skirt and it was way too hot for makeup.

     


     

You are truly beautiful, Emma. Inside and out.
Thank you for sharing this side of you.

Thank you Lori and back at you too!!!👍❤️

Well your slimmer than me dear!

Worrying about our weight proves that we are women.  As if we needed the proof!

I love this YouTube by a wife who explains why she stayed with her husband who fully transitioned even after they had three children.

https://youtu.be/6Xprh0MA7kM?si=cv80sOC4qJiR4y6_

You know you better than anyone here knows you, sweetie. I am the poster child for sharing only a minute fraction of my life so I get it, totally. 99% of my life, no one here has ever seen or knows about because I choose not to share. I have massive trust issues. You'd have to overcome some Indiana Jones type stuff just to get me to open up. I can count on one hand the people that's been the case for. Some people are an open book, others aren't. Both are okay.

Is why I don't have a blog here. After two times of trying. Because I just have nothing that I want to put in it, lol. I am a very, VERY private person and it makes me feel extremely awkward talking about myself.

Just know that... whatever is going on, whatever you want to share or not... you're beautiful, girl. And even though I might sometimes try to tease more out of you because that's just the kind of psychoanalyst b***h that I can be... I always have your back. And I don't need to understand the details to want to hug you when you're feeling down. <3

Lori is right, though. You ARE beautiful.

Sephirah thank you for understanding me and being my corner.  It means a lot.

...not about the "beautiful" comments by you and Lori.  I truly appreciate them but one reason I keep having Jenn take the photos when we are out is because I just don't see that myself except my smile.  I remain my own worst critic.

No surprise after all this time huh?

Have you tried different hair colors or styles?

I love your pic, you are gorgeous. But I had a similar issue.

My natural hair was dark brown, so I tried a dark brown wig. I hated it. I tried red and that was okay, but not quite me. I tried Blonde and it was SOOOOO close. Then I found a strawberry blonde and I stopped and said, "Hello there!" I recognized me instantly.

My point is that maybe something is just a little off that keeps you from recognizing her in the mirror. Maybe try some experimenting and see if that helps.

Good news, I am wearing a wig in the photos so style and colors are easy to change.

I am planning to color my grey hair in the fall and get transplants next year.

Quote from: Emma1017 on August 02, 2024, 12:01:59 PMGood news, I am wearing a wig in the photos so style and colors are easy to change.

I am planning to color my grey hair in the fall and get transplants next year.

Hey Emma -

First of all, you look BEAUTIFUL in those pics!

But I just wanted to let you know that I went the hair topper route... so they dyed my "bio hair" to match, and then now topper is sewn in with beads... and just gets redone with my salon visits every 4-6 weeks.

An alternative to transplants to consider, perhaps? I have been SHOCKED at how much once the piece was beaded on (after doing the daily clipping in and taking off for the first few weeks) it quickly just became "my hair."

Love,
Allie

Quote from: Emma1017 on August 01, 2024, 05:27:52 PMSephirah thank you for understanding me and being my corner.  It means a lot.

...not about the "beautiful" comments by you and Lori.  I truly appreciate them but one reason I keep having Jenn take the photos when we are out is because I just don't see that myself except my smile.  I remain my own worst critic.

No surprise after all this time huh?

No, sweetie, in my opinion I don't think it's about being your own worst critic. I think there's a big part of you that doesn't accept just how beautiful you are because you don't want to accept it. Because your life is such that you can't fully embrace that part of yourself. And because of this, you have a side of you that tries to keep you in check. Because you have to, to balance everything going on around you. To accept yourself as who you are, the way we all see who you are, would be equal parts exhilarating and very uncomfortable. It would be the ultimate juxtaposition because of how your life is.

That isn't the same thing as not seeing it, sweetie. I think deep down you do see it. That's why you strive to express it at every opportunity. To take those fleeting snapshots which allow you to live in the moment. But juggling is hard.

*hugs*

Keep smiling, Emma. <3

Allie the topper is a great idea.  It is definitely an option if I fully transition. 

Given that I currently live in a gender twilight zone, if I do the transplant, people will write it off as a male mid-life crisis....

Sephirah, this hit home:  "...you have a side of you that tries to keep you in check." This is very true. I have a hard time accepting that anyone could see me as beautiful. My lifetime of male socialization keeps fighting for survival.  It keeps saying, "Why are you bothering?  Haven't you come far enough? What is enough."

Questions that are keeping my therapist employed and questions that periodically rear up...and questions that seem to frustrate other people as well.  Sadly, the questions have easy answers if they were mine to answer alone. It's not like I haven't heard all the solutions and ideas that people have shared.  I have listened and analyyzed them all.

My current solution is the best I can do, for now. 

I get told you look beautiful/lovely when in going out mode and I think "should have gone to Specsavers"  Thats a UK tv ad for them as dont know.

Davina I am not sure what you meant.

My wife came up with a great slogan for the next US election:  "Vote smart, not weird."

Its an add for a chain of opticians, someone makes a mistake due to poor eye sight so "should have gone to specsavers"

OK now I get it.

Sorry, this has been eating at me for the last couple.  It has been suggested that rather than dealing the massively complex adult issues surrounding gender dysphoria, being transgender, discovering late in life that you are and then sharing that explosive reality with a spouse of 36 years, that I choose to stare at my navel.

It was a callous and ignorant statement. I am a 68 year old adult with significant experience of making real life and death decisions and well as professionally guiding intelligent adults as they deal with their own significant life events.

Statistically, my wife and I should not be married.

50% of marriages in the US end in divorce.  90% of parent who lose a child to leukemia end in divorce and more than 90% of couples where one partner comes out, ends in divorce.

We are still married.

That says a lot for out relationship.

I am sorry that for a moment I shared a moment of gender dysphoria sadness. It happens.  I did among friends.