Hi, I'm Clarissa and I'm a transwoman in my early 40s. I started crossdressing since I was 5 or 6. I don't know why but I've been always fascinated by how wonderful silk and satin feels. I'd go out shopping with my mum and I'd brush my hands as I walk pass the silk and satin blouses/skirts and dresses in the woman's clothing section and I've always wished I could wear them.

However, deep inside, I know what I wanted was wrong. But I've never stopped trying to brush my arms against those silk and satin clothing when I walk pass them. They are so luxurious and sensuous.

Whenever I come back from school early, I'd put on my mum's silk dress or satin blouses and I'd feel so happy wearing them.

When I was 11 or 12, my mum bought this really heavenly silk dress. It was so beautiful to touch and look at and I couldn't wait to wear it. At the same time, I discovered where my mum hid her cosmetics so I was so excited to try them on.

I had to wait a few agonizing days before I had the house to myself. My heart raced and I went to my mum's closet and held the silk dress in my hands. They were shaking badly as I felt how soft the silk felt. I put it on and it was so buttery soft and silky and my body just trembled. I zipped up the dress and went to put on the lipsticks, blush and eyeshadow. I didn't know how to put them on well and I guess I looked funny but that didn't matter. It just felt so right when I saw my reflection in the mirror.

And at that moment when I was looking at my reflection, I was suddenly overwhelmed by this urge to be loved by a man. I just wanted to be held and loved so badly. I was at the age where boys are starting to get feelings for the opposite sex, but here I am, in a dress and makeup and suddenly having the urge to be loved by men.

I felt guilt and shame. Fast forward to when I was 18, I managed to save up some money and bought some satin fabric and got a seamstress to make me a gown (I lied to her saying that I need the dress for a project but she knew it was for me and made some snarky remark. But I didn't care). The gown took 2 weeks to arrive and i was so excited to put it on. It was a lilac colored, long sleeved satin gown and I couldn't stop looking at myself when I put it on, together with the wig I bought and makeup from my mum's. Again, the same feeling of wanting a man to love me overwhelmed me and again I felt deep shame and guilt.

Fast forward to today, I live full time as a woman and dress in the most luxurious silks and satins. However I'm still waiting on finding a man who loves me. I hope the day comes soon.

Here's a link to my flickr account if you'd like to see some pictures of me. (Let me know if this isn't allowed)

https://flickr.com/photos/35497658@N06/

Welcome Clarissa!

We hope you find Susans's helpful and that you return.

The official welcoming crew will be by soon.


Chrissy

Hello Clarissa

My name is Sarah B and I would like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

Thank you for a lovely introduction to yourself, I enjoy reading new members stories and Clarissa is a lovely name.

Quote from: Clarissa Heng on August 12, 2024, 03:41:25 AMHi, I'm Clarissa and I'm a transwoman in my early 40s. I started crossdressing since I was 5 or 6. I don't know why but I've been always fascinated by how wonderful silk and satin feels. I'd go out shopping with my mum and I'd brush my hands as I walk pass the silk and satin blouses/skirts and dresses in the woman's clothing section and I've always wished I could wear them.

However, deep inside, I know what I wanted was wrong. But I've never stopped trying to brush my arms against those silk and satin clothing when I walk pass them. They are so luxurious and sensuous.

The feelings you have since you were 5 or 6 are virtually no different than other members.  There is nothing wrong with those feelings either.

Quote from: Clarissa Heng on August 12, 2024, 03:41:25 AMWhenever I come back from school early, I'd put on my mum's silk dress or satin blouses and I'd feel so happy wearing them.

When I was 11 or 12, my mum bought this really heavenly silk dress. It was so beautiful to touch and look at and I couldn't wait to wear it. At the same time, I discovered where my mum hid her cosmetics so I was so excited to try them on.

I had to wait a few agonizing days before I had the house to myself. My heart raced and I went to my mum's closet and held the silk dress in my hands. They were shaking badly as I felt how soft the silk felt. I put it on and it was so buttery soft and silky and my body just trembled. I zipped up the dress and went to put on the lipsticks, blush and eyeshadow. I didn't know how to put them on well and I guess I looked funny but that didn't matter. It just felt so right when I saw my reflection in the mirror.

Yes, I know how you feel that "it just felt so right" when one dressed up, I remember sitting in a lounge chair and saying to myself "this feels right", but the time spent was so short, knowing that family members would be back soon.

Quote from: Clarissa Heng on August 12, 2024, 03:41:25 AMAnd at that moment when I was looking at my reflection, I was suddenly overwhelmed by this urge to be loved by a man. I just wanted to be held and loved so badly. I was at the age where boys are starting to get feelings for the opposite sex, but here I am, in a dress and makeup and suddenly having the urge to be loved by men.

Having those thoughts, again there is nothing wrong, why because as you say you are a women and you are allowed to have those feelings.

Quote from: Clarissa Heng on August 12, 2024, 03:41:25 AMI felt guilt and shame. Fast forward to when I was 18, I managed to save up some money and bought some satin fabric and got a seamstress to make me a gown (I lied to her saying that I need the dress for a project but she knew it was for me and made some snarky remark. But I didn't care). The gown took 2 weeks to arrive and i was so excited to put it on. It was a lilac colored, long sleeved satin gown and I couldn't stop looking at myself when I put it on, together with the wig I bought and makeup from my mum's. Again, the same feeling of wanting a man to love me overwhelmed me and again I felt deep shame and guilt.

Fast forward to today, I live full time as a woman and dress in the most luxurious silks and satins. However I'm still waiting on finding a man who loves me. I hope the day comes soon.

When I was 32, I finally had surgery and eventually I settled down with a man.  So my dreams did come true.  I do like the pastel colors and of course lilac is one of those.  Satin and silks are nice materials.

Quote from: Clarissa Heng on August 12, 2024, 03:41:25 AMHere's a link to my flickr account if you'd like to see some pictures of me. (Let me know if this isn't allowed)

https://flickr.com/photos/35497658@N06/

There is nothing wrong with the link to your personal photos.  Just be mindful of the two links in red below and in particular TS07 and TS09.  They will provide you with information on what type of links are allowed.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself and your journey in the Introductions Forum, of course.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these as well.

Please review the links at the end of this message, especially the red links, they include information which will help you navigate the site and use the available features.  When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and you will also be able to add an avatar to your profile, until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact, the Forum Admin Danielle Northern Star Girl alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Clarissa Heng

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Hello Clarissa,

Welcome to Susan's Place, and thank you for that wonderful introduction.

I think that you will find many members here had similar experiences growing up. What is unique to each of us is how we handle these situations. Thank you for sharing your photos link. You look so lovely in each of them.

There is a lot of information here at Susan's on a wide variety of topics. We would love your opinions and advice if you find something that interests you. Everyone is welcome here.

Our lovely Sarah B provided some important links for you that will help you navigate the site and answer questions about site policies. Pay particular attention to the links in red. If you get lost or have questions, be sure to reach out and someone will be along to help.

I look forward to seeing you around the forums.

Lori Dee

Hi Clarissa,

Welcome to the community!

It's great to have you here, and thanks for sharing your story.

@Clarissa Heng


~ Lilis

Hi Clarissa, 

  I'm an older "non-passable" closet cross-dresser which can be a lonely existence.  And the male part of me has always been "dominate" in social situations; not that I particularly want to be, it's just what others always expect of me.

  So a few years ago I was "hanging out" with an accepting female friend, drinking some wine while in a baby doll with some earrings, lipstick and a dash of perfume.  We had been just talking about nothing for a while when all of a sudden she got up, took my arm and said "come to the bedroom". 

  Ohh. What a moment.  The girl within me had never had someone reach for her with desire before and, surprisingly, didn't quite know what to do. But she let herself be led into the bedroom, laid down on the bed and be kissed and touched passionately.

  What a treasured memory. I hope that when someone reaches for you with desire that you end up with a treasured memory also.

    Love, Carolina


 

 

Thanks all for being so welcoming to me. I went to another forum, typed my intro and it got deleted right away because it was deemed too long. They didn't even give me a chance to edit it to make it a little shorter. I appreciate all of you so much.


@Sarah B - I'm so happy for you to find someone you love and who loves you back. That's the most wonderful feeling ain't it? =)

I hope I do find a man who would love me too.

Welcome Clarissa!

Chrissy