Q.  What genre of music was often played during social gatherings of the early Pilgrim colony years?

A.   Plymouth Rock.

the grinch was just a sad lonely guy who liked animals more than people why do we hate him still?

What is a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song?

Do You Hear What I Hear

These jokes were popular in my high school during the early 1970s. 

A terrorist was ordered to blow up a bus.  He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

A three eyed, one-legged alien with no arms was waiting at the bus stop.  The bus driver gave him the once over and said
"Aye aye aye, you look 'armless, hop on!"

This joke I first heard from an acting headmaster who regarded himself as a cool dude:
 
The sky god Thor got drunk and spent the night with a mortal human tart.  When he awoke and saw who was next to him, he was ashamed for demeaning himself and was prepared to stand on his dignity.  The tart awoke too.
"Good morning, Hunky Wunky", she said.
"Hunky Wunky?" thundered the sky god.  "I am mighty Thor!"
"Tho am I" she replied, "but letth do it again."

This is another joke from the "cool" acting headmaster mentioned in the previous post.  I was reminded of it by a post that I read a little while ago, so I hope that it doesn't offend anyone.

Masochist: "Beat me!  Beat me!"
Sadist:      "Oh, no!"

What has eight wheels and flies?

*
*
*
*
*
A garbage truck

I don't remember where I found these, but I do not claim them as my own:

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

A man is walking down the road with a huge box of sodium chloride. He was stopped by a policeman and asked what are you doing with that box. The man refused to answer so he was arrested for a salt.

Xxx

Electrician working in a cocktail bar asked the waitress to pass him a screwdriver----------

one I heard yesterday that works best read out, Got a job in a chess factory. Only problem is I work nights (knights)

If you ever get chased by a group of angry taxidermists, never ever play dead.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 08, 2024, 02:05:17 PMIf you ever get chased by a group of angry taxidermists, never ever play dead.

I will remember that advice Jess.

A bug squashed on my windscreen , was it insecticide?

A flea and a fly in a flue
They were trapped, so what could they do?
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
And they flew through a flaw in the flue.

It is way too early for me to appreciate what I am sure is a good humor.  Back to Zzzzzzzz, if I can!


Chrissy

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 11, 2024, 08:41:30 PMA flea and a fly in a flue
They were trapped, so what could they do?
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
And they flew through a flaw in the flue.

It's better if you read it aloud.

Did you know this?


A Web site is supposedly female because it's always getting hit on?

A subway is supposedly male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up?

An hourglass is supposedly female, because over time, her weight shifts to the bottom?

Did you know this?

That car tires are male, supposedly because they go bald and are often over-inflated?

The hot air balloons you may see supposedly are male, because to get those balloons to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the hot air part?

That sponges are supposedly female, because they are usually soft, they are squeezable, and they seem to at times retain water?

Why do many French people eat snails?

 They usually don't like fast food.



Why do some golfers wear two pairs of pants?

 In case they got a hole in one!

A bear walks into a bar and says can I have a pint mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-------------------------------------and a packet of crisps and the barman said whats with the big pause.