Quote from: Sephirah on August 03, 2024, 06:12:41 PMSweetie.. if your mum cares about you and your wellbeing as much as she seems to... then wouldn't you feeling bad through living your life as someone you don't want to be... wouldn't that be something she wouldn't want for you? If she wants, more than anything, for you to feel happy, at peace with yourself, and not feeling bad about yourself... wouldn't you explaining things to her be the best thing? Wouldn't it make you both happy to lay it out there and you get on with what you need to do to affect the changes which will allow you to be at peace with yourself?

Being trans isn't something that happens to you. It's not some condition you have to either cure or manage. It's just who you are... and transition is nothing more than a process available to you, to enable you to live your life in a way that allows you to tackle the world in an authentic way. I'm not going to say it's some kind of cure for anything because it isn't. In some ways it can be hard. But then life can be hard in general.

Being trans isn't something bad that's happened to you. It's something that you've discovered about yourself that means you want to change your life to live in the best way you can. That's all it is. And if your mum cares about you as much as she seems to do... then I kind of think being honest with her is something you should seriously consider.

*hugs*

Hi sephira,

I truly appreciate the fact that you advice me the way you do. its not something obvious for me.

In my case, i truly doesent know how my mother will react if i will tell her. the only thing i know that she is very emotional and i believe she will be worried about me and will "take it to her heart".

I always tell myself that maybe those feelings would leave away, or blaming myself to feel that way. i also think that i could live with that and keep being a man - i mean, i doing it for 35 years and i doesent suffer that much. maybe i repress my inner feelings, thats possible. it is still doesent bother me 24/7 but only small part of the time.

As i mention, i thank you a lot for spending time giving me advices. i appreciate it alot.

Hi Anonymous

I sense that you still don't know what way to go and that is understandable.  I agree with all what Sephirah said.  If you are sad and miserable, then your mum is going to be emotional, because she wants you to be happy.  If you tell her about your true feelings, then she is going to be emotional either way.

In other words you are damned if you do and damned if you don't tell.  I have said it before, "you need to live your own life" and my question to you is, "What do you really want?"  Live your life as a female?   Live your life as you do now?  Or something else?  Otherwise you life will continue to be in limbo.  You need to try and answer this question one way or another.  Your life is paramount first and foremost.

If you are unable to answer that question by yourself, then you need to seek out help, that will help you to answer that question and hence provide the peace and path forward that you need.

Once you have this answer, then you will be able to move forward with your life.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@Sephirah
@anonymous24

I agree with what Sarah and Sephirah have said. You need to figure out what YOU want and how to make that happen.

"If you keep doing what you are doing, you'll keep getting what you are getting."

If you have read some of our member's stories, you may have noticed that dysphoria gets worse the longer we let it go untreated. Eventually, it gets to a point where something must be done. Don't wait. You deserve to be happy now and shouldn't have to wait until you are 60.

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 11, 2024, 09:32:55 AMI agree with what Sarah and Sephirah have said. You need to figure out what YOU want and how to make that happen.

"If you keep doing what you are doing, you'll keep getting what you are getting."

If you have read some of our member's stories, you may have noticed that dysphoria gets worse the longer we let it go untreated. Eventually, it gets to a point where something must be done. Don't wait. You deserve to be happy now and shouldn't have to wait until you are 60.

I admire people like you who had the "guts" to go on with what they want to do in their life. i am currently in a position i doesent think i can do this. i always tell my self i can live with it. and im trying to think what will cause less damage - if i keep living like that, or if try to do something toward transition. and than i choose the first option. if i lived like this for 35 years, than i probably can do this another 35 years. thats what i thinking.

Just look at the costs of this. my family can be suffer alot. my mom can become so worried about me. and for what? for being selfish and thinking only about myself? why its their fault that i have those feelings?

Also, my dysphoria isnt that strong. in some days i doesent even thinking about that.

Sometimes you have to choose between 2 bad options. for me, the less worse option is to keep living that way. repress my feelings and doesent doing anything. i still telling myself i can keep doing this, as i did this for 35 years.

I understand your dilemma. Coming out is not easy for any of us. It means discussing things that are extremely personal to us. What I would suggest is to seek out a therapist with experience in gender identity. Having someone that you can talk to about these feelings can help you so much. Even if you take no further action, it is helpful to have someone there for you. Then, if things get tough and you are struggling they can help you through it.

What you need to understand is that it will not stay the same as it has for the last 35 years. When you keep things repressed and bottled up, they get worse. As we age, our hormone levels drop and that can affect how you are feeling.

You should read some of our member blogs and learn from their stories. So often we read how people kept things to themselves for many years, but eventually, the distress became unbearable. That may not happen to you. But if it does, a therapist who has had a chance to get to know you can be there ready to help. Please consider this option if you can.

You may well be able to keep the water at a low boil for a long time. Knowing and accepting your feelings may help you control your dysphoria. I lived with it for over 50 years, but I didn't know it. Something was causing a darkness to build within me, a rage that I could sometimes not control. Once I discovered the source of my anger, it became easier to control, but I still knew I had to transition to survive.

Some people can control this, they can live with it. Just knowing it's there and understanding it may be enough. Please, do not think of yourself as being selfish if you decided to move forward. I think there's wisdom in this lyric from 'King of Anything' by Susan Bareilles:


Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: anonymous24 on August 12, 2024, 05:13:45 PMI admire people like you who had the "guts" to go on with what they want to do in their life. i am currently in a position i doesent think i can do this. i always tell my self i can live with it. and im trying to think what will cause less damage - if i keep living like that, or if try to do something toward transition. and than i choose the first option. if i lived like this for 35 years, than i probably can do this another 35 years. thats what i thinking.

Just look at the costs of this. my family can be suffer alot. my mom can become so worried about me. and for what? for being selfish and thinking only about myself? why its their fault that i have those feelings?

Also, my dysphoria isnt that strong. in some days i doesent even thinking about that.

Sometimes you have to choose between 2 bad options. for me, the less worse option is to keep living that way. repress my feelings and doesent doing anything. i still telling myself i can keep doing this, as i did this for 35 years.

Honey it isn't about guts. It isn't about doing something you don't think you can do because you are afraid of the outcome. Okay?

Look at the costs, as you say... look at the cost to yourself. Look at how it's backing you into a corner where you are living your life for other people but never truly happy living as yourself. How long do you think that's going to last, sweetie?

Being selfish isn't always wrong. We deserve our attention as much as anyone else in this world does. And, honestly that's where a lot of the issues with people come from. Why they go to therapists in the first place. To work out why they are so mismatched with how they want to be. It mostly comes from a lack of self-esteem. Of self-belief. Of the fundamental understanding that we are all important. How we feel and what we want is important. We aren't just put on this planet to please other people, honey. Their quality of life matters literally no more than our own quality of life.

Loving yourself isn't wrong. And not doing so is often a sign of low self-esteem. Which is something you need to look at, sweetie. Because you deserve better. And are capable of better. Don't hide behind your mum as an excuse to live the best life you can live, okay? *hugs*

I used to believe that to. Despite knowing I'm intersex, I tried to tell myself that I was okay with just living as male. As far as going through the motions of existing, I probably was. I shared with a good friend of mine and she was like no, you need to see a therapist. I knew she was right, but I did nothing at that point. It wasn't tell she passed away from a medication that resulted in her falling from several stories up that I took stock into what she said. After that, I didn't waste much time before seeing a doctor and getting things moving to where I finally am now.


It often comes down to being honest with ourselves and where that takes us. Maybe that leads you transitioning and maybe it doesn't At the end of the day the only person it should matter to is you. Amount of gender dysphoria one has differs from person to person. Many don't have it 24/7, but others do. Another thing I can tell you from personal experience is it doesn't go away. My spouse, who transitioned after we got married, set the idea of transitioning aside for a time before going full throttle into transitioning. Anyways, I hope that helps. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: anonymous24 on August 10, 2024, 05:08:49 PMHi sephira,

I truly appreciate the fact that you advice me the way you do. its not something obvious for me.

In my case, i truly doesent know how my mother will react if i will tell her. the only thing i know that she is very emotional and i believe she will be worried about me and will "take it to her heart".

I always tell myself that maybe those feelings would leave away, or blaming myself to feel that way. i also think that i could live with that and keep being a man - i mean, i doing it for 35 years and i doesent suffer that much. maybe i repress my inner feelings, thats possible. it is still doesent bother me 24/7 but only small part of the time.

As i mention, i thank you a lot for spending time giving me advices. i appreciate it alot.

Sometimes you need to move away from a toxic environment.

I had a co-worker who told me that all the males in family were considered 2nd class citizens by the Matriarch of the family!  Not only that, the deliberately excluded him from parties held after he moved out of the household!

A very good manager who was openly gay moved to Connectict from Texas, as they were less accepting back then.  Times have changed so she may move back there when she retires, or stay with her friends in Connecticut.

In the USA it is relatively easy to move across the country to a new home.

Serious as this topic is, I still got a giggle.  Around our house we taught the kids young, "If you always do what you always did.  Then, you'll always get get what you always got."

And when they had a tantrum?  "Louder, sweetie.  Your heart isn't in it."  Worked to bring them up short without conflict.

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 11, 2024, 09:32:55 AMI agree with what Sarah and Sephirah have said. You need to figure out what YOU want and how to make that happen.

"If you keep doing what you are doing, you'll keep getting what you are getting."

If you have read some of our member's stories, you may have noticed that dysphoria gets worse the longer we let it go untreated. Eventually, it gets to a point where something must be done. Don't wait. You deserve to be happy now and shouldn't have to wait until you are 60.

Quote from: D'Amalie on August 14, 2024, 10:44:04 AMSerious as this topic is, I still got a giggle.  Around our house we taught the kids young, "If you always do what you always did.  Then, you'll always get get what you always got."

And when they had a tantrum?  "Louder, sweetie.  Your heart isn't in it."  Worked to bring them up short without conflict.

I love this! 

All I know is that when I try not to embrace it, Im less passionate about life. I'm just existing, have more stress and anxiety and depression. Can't focus at work, and I'm just on autopilot through life.

When I allow myself to embrace it, all that goes away for the most part. Granted everyone has bad days. But in away colors are more colorful. I get excited about life and the possibilities for my future. I'm able to focus at work and I find Im not just going through the motions in things that I enjoy.

There are days where the thoughts consum me the entire day and other days where they aren't all prevailing, just there in the background.

Hi Robby

Thank you Robby for posting your view

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 14, 2024, 06:57:14 PMAll I know is that when I try not to embrace it, Im less passionate about life. I'm just existing, have more stress and anxiety and depression. Can't focus at work, and I'm just on autopilot through life.

When I allow myself to embrace it, all that goes away for the most part. Granted everyone has bad days. But in away colors are more colorful. I get excited about life and the possibilities for my future. I'm able to focus at work and I find Im not just going through the motions in things that I enjoy.

There are days where the thoughts consum me the entire day and other days where they aren't all prevailing, just there in the background.

Take care and all the best.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@Robbyv213 

I would like to say again HUGE THANKS for all the people that commented! it really warming my heart. i didnt see such a nice people in the last time. this forum is really miracle for people who have those feelings.

I told myself already 10 times in the past that "Ok, now i will go to a therapist" but did absolutely nothing. i was afraid. i couldnt do the first step as i thinked maybe someone will found out. my mom is the most important person for me in this planet. she is caring about me so much. i know she wants only the good for me, but im still afraid that she will take that hard. maybe i need to do the first step by going to a therapist and than consider what to do.

But im afraid that i probably lying to myself and i wont do anything. the hardest step is the first one. by passing it, the rest is 10 times easier.

I trully admire all of you who did this. you probably braver than i am when it comes to this issue.

As i said - the hardest step for me is the first one. i probably need to think about the option going to therapist.

Quote from: anonymous24 on August 16, 2024, 03:43:03 PMI would like to say again HUGE THANKS for all the people that commented! it really warming my heart. i didnt see such a nice people in the last time. this forum is really miracle for people who have those feelings.

I told myself already 10 times in the past that "Ok, now i will go to a therapist" but did absolutly nothing. i was afraid. i couldnt do the first step as i thinked maybe someone will found out. my mom is the most important person for me in this planet. she is caring about me so much. i know she wants only the good for me, but im still afraid that she will take that hard. maybe i need to do the first step by going to a therapist and than consider what to do.

But im afraid that i probably lying to myself and i wont do anything. the hardest step is the first one. by passing it, the rest is 10 times easier.

I trully appreciate all of you who did this. you probably braver than i am when it comes to this issue.

As i said - the hardest step for me is the first one. i probably need to think about the option going to therapist.

Sweetie, the hardest step for everyone is the first one. It's the one we never want to take. It's the one we always make the most excuses for. Listen, you're not alone in what you've said okay? We all know where you're coming from. That's why we try to support you. Because we care <3 We see part of us in you.

In that vein... honey, you can do this. I know you can. I know it's scary. And it feels like standing on the top of a cliff from which, if you walk off the edge you're scared you can never get back up. But... the things most worth aiming for sometimes require a leap of faith.

You can do this. If someone finds out... okay, so they find out. The first thing you have to do is be okay in yourself that this is what you have to do. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If anyone says anything, you just say you're seeing someone for help with some stuff you're going through in your life. That's all you need to say. Therapy is something millions of people partake in. It's not some ugly, shameful thing you have to admit to. It's something you do when you are strong enough to know you can't deal with something alone.

You can take this step, honey. Think of it as the first step, and take it from there. Don't think beyond that. Just take your life one step at a time.

You can do this. You can! I believe in you. <3

A therapist can also help you with talking to your mom. After going to the therapist for a little while, you can tell your mom why you are seeing a therapist. Maybe she will be happy that you are getting the help you need. Maybe she will support you and want to help you too. That is for her to decide, not you. You focus on you. First steps. You can do it!

Hugs!

Quote from: Sephirah on August 16, 2024, 03:49:58 PMSweetie, the hardest step for everyone is the first one. It's the one we never want to take. It's the one we always make the most excuses for. Listen, you're not alone in what you've said okay? We all know where you're coming from. That's why we try to support you. Because we care <3 We see part of us in you.

In that vein... honey, you can do this. I know you can. I know it's scary. And it feels like standing on the top of a cliff from which, if you walk off the edge you're scared you can never get back up. But... the things most worth aiming for sometimes require a leap of faith.

You can do this. If someone finds out... okay, so they find out. The first thing you have to do is be okay in yourself that this is what you have to do. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If anyone says anything, you just say you're seeing someone for help with some stuff you're going through in your life. That's all you need to say. Therapy is something millions of people partake in. It's not some ugly, shameful thing you have to admit to. It's something you do when you are strong enough to know you can't deal with something alone.

You can take this step, honey. Think of it as the first step, and take it from there. Don't think beyond that. Just take your life one step at a time.

You can do this. You can! I believe in you. <3

I truly appreciate your kindness and help. again - this is not obvious for me. in this world it is very hard to find people who care about other people that they doesent even know personally. so i really thank you for all your support.

As i mention, i need some time to think about it. your support gave me alot of new point of view about this. to see people like you who have done all this, i must say that you really brave person. in my case, im not sure i have the "guts" to do all this. in the next days, ill consider going to a therapist. doing that step isnt easy for me, as it affirming i have those feeling. until last year i told myself it is only in my head and this is not real. it will fade away some day. but it didnt. it is still here while im 35 years old.

This forum is absolutly one of the most helpful place i saw in the last years. for me, it is like a float in the middle of the ocean.

If i do some step, you will probably the first ones to know about. you are really awesome people.

Quote from: anonymous24 on August 17, 2024, 06:38:13 PMI truly appreciate your kindness and help. again - this is not obvious for me. in this world it is very hard to find people who care about other people that they doesent even know personally. so i really thank you for all your support.

As i mention, i need some time to think about it. your support gave me alot of new point of view about this. to see people like you who have done all this, i must say that you really brave person. in my case, im not sure i have the "guts" to do all this. in the next days, ill consider going to a therapist. doing that step isnt easy for me, as it affirming i have those feeling. until last year i told myself it is only in my head and this is not real. it will fade away some day. but it didnt. it is still here while im 35 years old.

This forum is absolutly one of the most helpful place i saw in the last years. for me, it is like a float in the middle of the ocean.

If i do some step, you will probably the first ones to know about. you are really awesome people.

Take all the time you need, sweetie.

The only thing I would say is that... you are just as brave as anyone else. You took the step to post here looking for help. You took that step. A lot of people don't. They look from the shadows and never take it any further. That's bravery. Reaching out for help when you feel scared to even say anything.

You have it within you. Being brave isn't a case of not being scared. It's being terrified but not letting it stop you. You've already proved that you can do that. *hugs* You have more "guts" than you think you do. You've already shown that.

Keep us updated, okay?

*massive hugs*

Wishing all the best for you, honey. <3 Very few things in life worth doing are easy. If they are, they aren't worth doing.

You can do this!

Quote from: Sephirah on August 17, 2024, 06:42:36 PMTake all the time you need, sweetie.

The only thing I would say is that... you are just as brave as anyone else. You took the step to post here looking for help. You took that step. A lot of people don't. They look from the shadows and never take it any further. That's bravery. Reaching out for help when you feel scared to even say anything.

You have it within you. Being brave isn't a case of not being scared. It's being terrified but not letting it stop you. You've already proved that you can do that. *hugs* You have more "guts" than you think you do. You've already shown that.

Keep us updated, okay?

*massive hugs*

Wishing all the best for you, honey. <3 Very few things in life worth doing are easy. If they are, they aren't worth doing.

You can do this!

Thank you. it may sound weird, but sometimes people like you giving me hope in humanity again.

Transitioning, I knew it was best for me to transition after being diagnosed. My therapist was a big help with my family with the transition,told them I would be much happier in my life.