I wrote this elsewhere but I thought I would share it here.
What do you think? I always appreciate feedback.
The Explicit Sexuality of Women
An Unexpected Experience for a Transgender Woman
Of the many differences I have noted in my late-in-life slow-motion transition from male to female presentation is the physicality of female sexuality.
Women can be much more sensual.
It is one thing to see sexuality as a man looking at a woman. It is entirely a different experience when you do it as a transgender woman.
You suddenly feel what you saw.
If you are a transgender woman you are constantly learning how to present female, for your own validation and in the hope that you successfully pass in public. There is a lot in motion and a lot at stake.
It takes the question, "What is a woman?" to a whole other level.
You have to find your true self through countless levels of binary socialization, patriarchal filters and the question:
How do you define the woman that you are?
That is a significant amount of emotional heavy lifting.
While you are doing all of that internal analysis, you then look into the mirror:
Your physical reality is looking back and it is very judgmental!
Who do you want to be? What do you want to look like? What is your style?
Then you ask, "What looks good on me?"
In my male days, the answer was simple: a pair of tidy whitey undershorts, a t-shirt, denim pants, and track shoes, and off I'd go. Eight minutes tops, to get out the door. Oh yeah comb your hair and put on deodorant.
Kiss those days goodbye.
Now my fashion decisions need to include a food break. Included in my thoughts is this crazy concept of sexuality.
-Should I wear a pushup bra or no bra at all?
-How low should my neckline be to show off my breasts?
-Do I unbutton the third button-down from the collar?
-Thong or boy shorts?
-Leggings or not?
-Stockings or tights?
-How short or long should the skirt be?
-Heels or flats?
Then the real question is:
Who am I dressing for?
Lace bras, bikinis, short skirts, and high heels were all part of the visual image that I had at the start of this strange journey. Now, they are off my gender visual. They aren't me and I am OK with that.
I am still married and I am not attracted to men, even after six year on female hormones. I dress for my validation and for my acceptance by other women. To me, my sense of clothes is starting to come from the inside, out.
As a man, I never felt any sexuality. I never wore a pushup jock strap, nor wore a shirt that showed off my nipples, nor selected shoes that showed off my athletic legs.
Nope.
Never a thought.
Now, I notice my nipples pressing against the fabric of the shirt I am wearing. My breasts are the most sexually expressive part of my body. I never noticed my male chest, nor did anyone else, but now I understand:
Eyes up here!
I love my fashion choices and the ability to amp up or down my sexuality. I get to choose, a dress or sweats, make or no makeup and bra or no bra.
I don't want unwanted guys attention but I do like the sensuality of being sexy.
It's great to finally get the old guy uniform off !
It smelled funny.
Emma Holiday
Thank you for reading my work.
Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender. All trans people want is to be simply treated as a normal person that we are.
