Alternate title: "I Saw the Aetheryte Glow"

Oh boy. This is going to be long. I'm typing this out in notepad but I just know this is going to be very long (lets see if it will even fit in a single post). This whole thing is also going to be incredibly meandering. I am going to probably give more detail than I need to, but it's just what my brain does. Also note, I love parentheses. I am wordy and over-explain everything.

Gender is weird and confusing, and I'm confused by what I've been going through lately. I'm 37. I'm male, I guess? You can probably see where I'm starting to go with this. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in my late 20s. I also refer to myself as autistic though it is self diagnosed as I've never received an official diagnosis (though according to many psychologists, it's often harder to get an autism diagnosis if you've been coping with it already for decades and it hasn't "obviously" impaired your life). Basically, if you've found ways to cope with your autism, psychologists are hesitant to diagnose because "what would it change, you've dealt with it for 30+ years, how will giving it a label change your life in any meaningful way?" I grew up in a very very rural area (a town of 900 people followed by a town of 5000 people), so being the kid with ADHD/autism just meant "oh he's the gifted/eccentric/quirky one!"

With that disclaimer out of the way, let's get into the journey:

Since I was young, I've always loved video games. I love stories in video games. I love the "roleplay" element of video games. I love the social aspect of online games. It was only within the last few years that I realized I love the more social video games (like MMOs) because, as a neurodivergent, I'm tremendously awkward with dealing with the social protocols (like paying attention to non-verbal cues) while in person with others. Getting my social interaction through stuff like MMOs and Discord allows me to bypass those. I'm still not the greatest socially and frequently ->-bleeped-<- things up, but it's easier for me. I remember that it was the late 90s when my parents got our first home computer. Shortly after that, we actually got internet too. At the age of like 12/13, I started getting deep into MUDs. I thrived off the social interaction. As the years went on, this continued into graphical MMOs. I missed the earlier stuff like Everquest or Ultima Online, but got into stuff like City of Heroes, Guild Wars, and World of Warcraft. (I promise I'm building to a point with bringing the stuff up.)

Some of this goes back to a prior point - I grew up in a very, very small, rural area. There wasn't a lot of space for people that didn't conform to those social norms. I found my communities online. I always thought I was just weird or unskilled socially since my family moved nearly yearly when I was pre-teen. I never developed a long-term friend group. Online communities were a way for me to have friends that would remain there even if I moved. I feel like this, at times, was detrimental as I would have periods where I preferred the online friends to in-person friends.

Back when I played Guild Wars and City of Heroes, I remember making male characters. Even my first World of Warcraft character was a male character. That's not to say I didn't play ladies in games, but when it came to character creation, I generally created males. In 2007, when WoW's Burning Crusade expansion came out, I created my first major female character - a blood elf paladin. I played that character as my "main" until I quit playing WoW. However, this also marked a shift with me. I noticed how much more I liked how the lady characters moved in games. I liked how the armor fit on them more. It wasn't just a "oh women are hot!" sort of thing, I just had more enjoyment with how I presented myself. Again, I thought nothing of it. Armor looks better on women. So what.

From this point, I started always creating women characters when I had options. Single player RPGs like Dragon Age? My characters were women. Oddly, the only exception was Mass Effect but I think that's because all the advertising was with MaleShep, so I just kept the default look and went with that. If I were to replay the series, I would do FemShep. But in Mass Effect, the character felt less of an extension of me and more of a character I was playing. IDK. It was a weird distinction.

Along comes Final Fantasy XIV. Yeah, here we go. I started playing shortly after the Realm Reborn relaunch in 2013. I created a catgirl, because of course I did. I enjoyed the character, but I did feel like there was a degree of separation between me and them. The catgirls are almost hyper-feminine (and it was not uncommon for them to be overly sexualized). In 2015, the game's first expansion, Heavensward, was slated to come out. My partner had seen me playing and wanted to try the game as well. She created a catgirl, so I decided to change my character - into a lady Highlander. For those unfamiliar with Final Fantasy XIV and it's races, here is an image that shows the differences (https://i.imgur.com/ro4B1j6.png). While I didn't quite understand what I liked about the Highlander option at the time, I understand now that its because they are somewhat masculine-coded. They have broader shoulders and thicker legs than the their more feminine Midlander counterpart. But it didn't lean too far in that direction for my taste.

At this point, something clicked for me. I was able to look at my character and just think "this is an extension of me." I'll see some people say stuff like "Oh, my character did this" or "I got new armor for my character." For me, it always felt like "I did this" or "I got new armor for me."

That sure was a whole lot of words about video games. Now I'll focus on the me at present.

In person, I present as fairly masculine male. I have long hair. A beard. I dress in a black t-shirt, black jeans, and Doc Martens boots. When I say I dress this way - I mean that is almost exclusively what I wear. Every day. I'm like a cartoon character with a set uniform. I wouldn't describe myself as muscular. I'm not overweight. I've got just a very "average" build. Not super athletic, but not completely out of shape either. I've had multiple people ask me if I'm in a metal band, because I guess I kind of give that vibe. I haven't really had much of a problem with presenting this way. I don't feel weird going by he/him. But I also feel like that does accurate describe how I feel.

I feel like my gender confusion has slowly been creeping in over the years, and it has really been loud in my head for the last few months. It is clearly something I should be exploring more because it hasn't gotten quieter - only louder. I feel like 2024 has been a year of extreme introspection for me.

When this all started, I felt like I couldn't fully identify as wholly a man nor wholly a woman. This isn't to say I identify with non-binary either. I don't really feel androgynous. There was a bit of a feeling like there were two wolves inside of me - a man and a woman. I've seen the term bi-gender, but I don't even understand how that would work. I feel like it puts me in an awkward position. I'm okay with presenting as a man, but some days, I wish I could present as a woman. But I can't do one without sacrificing the other. Basically, I wish I was in a Ranma 1/2 situation. I want to flip a switch. "This is my boy day." "This is my girl day."

Obviously, that's not an option. I can take myself there mentally, but I can't take myself there physically. It leaves me in a very awkward situation. I'd love to try a day of presenting more feminine but, like I said, with stuff like my beard and the way I dress, I can't do that without completely destroying that side of my image.

I just don't know what to do about this or where I should go with this. I don't know if I have a solution for how I feel. Maybe I'm just an egg. Maybe as time goes on, I will identify less with being a male. Right now, I don't. I just feel like... both. Though, as time has gone on, that "male" side of me feels like it keeps getting a little more quiet. While the other side feels a little more loud.

Even with my relationship with my partner, it is hard to explain, but I don't feel like my love for her is the kind of "man loves a woman" type love but it feels more aligned with "a woman loving a woman" type love. Maybe that's just my internal ->-bleeped-<-ed up views on gender and masculinity.

Some part of me wonders if its just because I've been spending a lot of time in queer spaces. A lot of the people in the communities I'm part of are trans or just identify as some form of queer. Am I internalizing this? Do I actually feel this way? I don't know!

At this point, I'm sure some of you are reading this and laughing at me! If this is you, please comment below and tell me that you're laughing at me. It would genuinely make me smile.

It has been interesting when I reflect back to when I was younger. One memory of my childhood was, when my younger brother was playing with his army men action figures, I was busy playing with my bright pink easy bake oven. Hell, one of the first CDs I owned was Britney Spears's "...Baby One More Time." I remember being young and many people assuming I was gay because I didn't fit nicely into cis-het norms. I like expressing a non-male side.

I've started to wonder if this less about gender and more about expressions of masculinity/femininity.

These following thoughts are going to be extra meandering. It's been my most recent internal thoughts and I haven't really been able to articulate them well. I offer my apologies in advance.

You know that political alignment chart? I feel like you could repurpose that for gender/expression. Like this: (https://i.imgur.com/LObxis0.png). The X-axis separating man/woman (with people landing on/around that axis being non-binary/genderqueer). The Y-axis separating masculine/feminine (with people landing on/around that axis being androgynous). Right now, I land somewhere in the blue. I hate the blue. I don't know, there's something I hate about male masculinity. But I also don't identify with the super girlie and feminine side of things. I love female masculinity. I wish I could embody female masculinity. I've often joked that I'm a lesbian living in a man's body (and my TikTok FYP certainly thinks I am).

It's a weird feeling. This next statement will be fairly crass - I don't mind having a penis. I don't like having a penis and being associated with male masculinity. Does that even make sense? I was hesitant to even bring up talk of genitals (as society loves to reduce trans/queer people to the genitals). I feel that there is a part of me that thinks "I wish I could present as a masculine woman." - like my Final Fantasy XIV character aka my ideal form.

I don't know if I'm trans. I don't know if I'm an egg that's on the verge of cracking. I don't know what my path is or what to do from here.

This was far far too long and meandering and I don't even have a point at the end. It's just very confusing and jumbled thoughts. Again, if you're reading this and laughing at me (in a loving way, not a malicious way), please do share that.

If you want to share anything or ask any questions in the comments, also please do. I already wrote so much and an hour from now I'll look back and think "oh ->-bleeped-<-! I forgot about <important detail>!!!!"

If you've made it this far, you're brave (or stupid). Thank you for following me on this journey.

Hello Kets,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and to share your thoughts and comments. We have members here with a wide range of experiences from all over the world. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

Just be careful as this is a PUBLIC ALL-AGES forum. So anything you post can be read by anyone on the internet, and the internet never forgets! Don't post anything that you don't want to become public knowledge. 

And now for a quick tour of the site. Clicking the HOME button will take you to a page where you can see all of the various sub-forums. Feel free to comment and share your experiences too.

I will add some links here that are important for new members. Pay special attention to the links in RED. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and to add an avatar to your profile.

Until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at  LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

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@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

Welcome Kets!

Chrissy

Hello Ket

My name is Sarah B and I would like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I just like you, once I start typing cannot stop myself, so please do not worry about the length of what you write because it contains information about yourself and is the basis for you to work out who you really are.

You like playing games (nothing wrong with that) and you noticed a shift in how you express yourself online over time.  In a sense my longing and wanting to be a female grew over time, so not dissimilar to your story.

You mention your growing confusion about your Gender Identity and to truly resolve this issue, one needs to see a 'therapist', psychiatrist, psychologist or counsellor.  Only you and just only you can say where you lie on the Gender Spectrum.  With help from others of course.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the various forums.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

As Lori mentioned, only share what you feel comfortable in sharing as the internet does not forget.

Members of Susan's will more than likely will come along and will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Lori Dee
@Northern Star Girl
@Kets

Hi Kets, I read your post and saw so much of me in it I had to check the sig :-)

I too love video games, especially MMOs - I still can't believe you can be who you like on screen - and I too play female characters. I too grew up in the countryside where social attitudes were seriously conservative and I too learned to play the masculinity game. Mostly because it was the only set of rules I thought I could play. Peak incongruence was when a miner at an event stood up and raised a glass to me as 'a man's man' and I'm wearing a pair of lace knickers under my jeans and I nearly choked on my beer.

I too would be completely fine presenting some days as a man and others as a woman. I've come to see my gender expression as a tool, so I'm typing this dressed as a woman and live around the house as one. But if I had to do something outside, like fix an oil leak on a car, then I'll be a man because no way am I getting a dress dirty. I paraphrase, but the message is that I'm very like you in this.

Everyone who finds themselves in the 'physical sex non conforming with gender' space (as in male or female body versus masculine or feminine nature or gender expression) finds themselves with a variation on the same problem. Me, you, everyone posting here - there are lots of us. And if this is any comfort, it isn't just guys, because right now, twice as many women as men are in the same boat as the one you and I share.

However, depending on where we are in our journeys of discovery and how strong the conflict is, the more or less settled we will be about ourselves. The reason it takes a while to resolve the conflict depends partly on its strength and partly on how gendered our scripts are. In this case, i am using the word gender to mean 'masculine or feminine'.

From the sound of it, you and I were both reared to be strongly masculine and those scripts have been reinforced enough for it to take a while for us to see past them and realise that our gendering (again, meaning masculinity or femininity) is like a mahogany veneer over MDF. The veneer is tough, but break through it and what lies underneath is a very different quality.

Next up (I've spent four decades thinking through this). Masculinity and femininity are completely social constructs - they aren't put there by nature, instead they are creations of society. Society puts bounds on what masculine behaviour and expression are accepted to be, but the bounds vary by culture and over periods of time. So there is no such thing as 'innate' masculinity or femininity, only what we are taught and learn.

This is where games are so helpful. In Baldur's Gate 3, Cyberpunk 2077 my characters are intersex, because if you can have everything, why not? They have some aspects of feminine gender expression because I love women's clothes, but they aren't really male or female, or masculine or feminine. They just are.

I don't mind having a penis, either (confession: it's quite useful at times) but I'm sat here typing this wearing a pink jumper and heels. If I could snap my fingers and have a woman's body I would, but I'm good with the body I've got because there's those oil leaks to fix.

Are you trans? Maybe, maybe not. The first thing I would say to anyone is don't overthink this, go slow, choose your own way and be wary of attaching labels to yourself too soon. Labels can be convenient, but with most human behaviour lying on a spectrum, terms like 'masculine' or 'feminine' are less than useful because they exclude all of the middle ground.

The biggest challenge is opening up the debate with yourself and while that doesn't mean the remainder of the road ahead will be easy or well signposted (or have any signposts), you've made a fantastic start.