As a young child I would go to sleep praying that I would wake up a girl. I would tuck my penis between my legs hoping it would fall off. When I got older I would cross dress, and I would adapt my clothes to make them more feminine. When experimenting cross dressing and adapting my clothing I would feel so much shame and embarrassment. One year for Halloween I went as Peter Pan, I asked to wear leotards and my father said no. My father essentially brainwashed my brother and I to join the military. This then led me to the Army Cadets in Canada.

As I went into my teen years and I progressed in the cadet program in Canada the thoughts and feelings didn't go away. I wanted so badly to be the macho army guy that I saw, but I felt like I could never fit in with them. When I graduated high school I went into the military to work with cadets, and I went to university at a liberal arts university. While there I had my first brush with GID where I told my therapist that when I ever fantasize I always imagine being a woman and having a man make love to me. I have an incredible amount of shame over this.

Then I moved to a mountain town in Canada. It was hippie central! Imagine going from a military base where everything is strictly controlled to a place where anything went...and did...lol It was the first time I felt freedom. From there I moved to a larger city to attend more post secondary education. In this city where I didn't know anyone I decided to experiment. This was in my early 30's and I was living part time as a woman. It was insane! I actually had men approaching me and flirting with me! It was exhilarating...lol So I guess I was passing. I was also going through gender therapy at the time. I also met a few trans women and was able to reflect some things off of them. However, I lost my housing in mid December and I decided to move back in with my parents, it was either that or homelessness. I stopped all therapy.

I decided to stay in the same geographical area as my parents and then I met my wife online. We got married and have two beautiful children.

I just had an appointment with a psychiatrist where I left nothing off the table. The psychiatrist did ask me if there was anything that I wanted left out of her report to my doctor, and I said there wasn't. So, I guess I just made my health care team fully aware of everything. And I am going into therapy...again....for this. I don't want to lose my family, my family of origin, my career, and my friends if I decide to transition to a woman. Pretty much the only thing holding me back is that I feel like I would lose everything and the shame.
 
Am I a man who enjoys cross dressing? Am I a woman who was born with a man's body? Or is this something completely different? I don't know...I am so confused and frustrated. I do know that when I was going through therapy before I felt an incredible amount of fear over this and self-hatred.

I have always wanted breasts. When I see a woman's body I feel jealious. I have always felt like I am missing out.

I feel an incredible amount of fear and self loathing. I hate this, I want it to go away. I feel like I am stuck in ever revolving spiral.

Thank you for that introduction!

You are not alone. Many of us went through the same feelings and turmoil that you are experiencing. Your psychiatrist should be able to help you identify what is going on with you. My psychologist and I had many discussions about the exact same questions that you just asked.

I spent two years in therapy learning about what gender identity is, how it differs from biological sex, or sexual preference. As I learned what it actually means, then I was able to see where I was on the gender spectrum.

From there, it is a matter of deciding if you want to stay in stealth mode, or embrace who you are and express it in ways that make you happy. No one can decide for you what is best for you. But you owe it to yourself to make informed decisions. Talk to your psychiatrist and get your answers. They will not answer your questions directly, but will guide you to find your own answers. Then you can make a plan about how you wish to proceed.

Let us know how it goes. Your experiences can help many others. But only share what you are comfortable with.

Quote from: treeseeds on October 08, 2024, 11:24:08 AMAm I a man who enjoys cross dressing? Am I a woman who was born with a man's body? Or is this something completely different? I don't know...I am so confused and frustrated.

Hi treeseeds - or hi again, unless I am experiencing deja vu?

Reading your story, there are two sides to it. One is your wishes and experiences you have had when you have lived as a woman, or crossdressed - all of which you have enjoyed. The other side is your negative reactions to that experience - concerning which you might find this part of my experience extremely useful!

You have already engaged with gender therapy but pulled out for reasons beyond your control - it sounds as if you might well have continued with it if you hadn't had to move back home. And you still wish you had the body of a woman.

The complicating factor is you are married with children now and so are pulled in two directions, which is why you are stuck.

Being a man who enjoys crossdressing and thinking of yourself as being a woman in a man's body are two sides of the same coin - the two are different facets of gender dysphoria, so you can quit worrying about which of the two you are.

You would like the fear and self-loathing to go away and therapy will help with that, because you are beating yourself up and we've all been there. Once you've lost those two emotions, then it will be easier to think clearly. Once you are clear of the angst, then you'll be able to find your balance, wherever it may be.

The other thing you've written is you 'don't want to lose my family, my family of origin, my career, and my friends'. Do any of them know about your gender dysphoria? There are stories here of people who have been accepted by ammo-chewing uncles in the boonies who they never imagined would be sympathetic, so you may have more allies than you think!

Lori's right, the only answers that will work for you will be your own answers. But between all the people here, we have made every single mistake in the book and the lessons are there to be learned. Between all the people here, we have also made some great decisions, and we'll do all we can to help you feel welcome.

Quote from: treeseeds on October 08, 2024, 11:24:08 AMI don't want to lose my family, my family of origin, my career, and my friends if I decide to transition to a woman. Pretty much the only thing holding me back is that I feel like I would lose everything and the shame.
 
Am I a man who enjoys cross dressing? Am I a woman who was born with a man's body? Or is this something completely different? I don't know...I am so confused and frustrated. I do know that when I was going through therapy before I felt an incredible amount of fear over this and self-hatred.

Welcome to Susan's Place, treeseeds. Your story sounds a little similar to mine. I occasionally cross dressed and was in the military. I'm also married, and have two daughters. I had anger issues which slowly grew until they were nearly out of control. I used to read intro stories on Susan's Place, and time after time I would read a story and think 'that sounds like me'. The light finally came on, and I knew what I had to do.

I began my transition in my mid-50's. It turned my life upside down for a while, but everything worked out. My wife and I stayed together, 40 years and counting. My relationship with my daughters is great, and I still have the same job. A few acquaintances faded away, but I have more friends now than ever before.

Read, search your feelings, and make sure to discuss things with your wife. Allow yourself to become the person you should have been.

Love always -- Jessica Rose