Hi and welcome to my introduction. Unfortunately, I'm not creative when I choose usernames. Call me whatever I suppose. In some online spaces I use the name Auriel or Divus. I have not chosen a new name yet—these are just usernames, like on Discord.

As the subject says, I hate living in Tennessee. This sums up my transgender experience. I found Susan's Place while searching for information about transgender-friendly employers who offer comprehensive trans healthcare benefits—primarily facial feminization surgery. This forum's founder, Susan Larson, had an article typed about her in ClarksvilleNow, a publication of the city of Clarksville, Tennessee. I live in Clarksville and I couldn't be more desperate to move to a more liberal state with better employment and healthcare options. Let me explain.

I'm 21 years old. I graduated high school in Maryland in the year 2021. I was living with my dad and step-mom where my dad worked on a military base as a civilian. In high school, I developed a vague feeling of disagreement with my body and especially my face. As I was masculinized through a male puberty, this intense self-hatred impacted my grades, but at least I still graduated. In the Spring of 2021, my dad and mom felt it was best that I live with my mom at least for the Summer while I figured out my plans for university. My mom is active-duty military at Fort Campbell, so I moved to Tennessee.

At 18 years old, I did not have a clear path in life and I was deeply bothered by this lack of purpose. My self-esteem was extremely low as my grades had suffered in my last two years in high school as a result of my emerging mental health problems and the pandemic. I have failed numerous online university classes thanks to my internal struggles staggering my ability to even make my way to the desk to complete assignments.

Over the next three years since June 2021, I have accessed dark places of my mind and sought to force myself over and over into this system of academics while I carried this vague burden. I wanted to be a beautiful person, but I told myself that it is not only impossible, but shameful for a boy to want to be beautiful in a feminine way. When I was in high school, I obsessed over my facial features and was desperate to undergo surgery. I told no one about these thoughts. It was only when I discovered a place in the transgender community that my feelings had an audience. My desires began to make sense and was further validated by discovering the legitimacy of gender-affirming hormone treatment and facial feminization surgery.

Now my focus in life is well-defined as the pieces fit into the right places. I need to get rid of my facial hair, feminize my body, my voice, and, most importantly, my face. All these masculine features that I hated so deeply had meaning, though it took years to figure out and articulate. My parents still do not know.

Tennessee is hostile to trans people. The laws, culture, healthcare, and the religious conservatism of Tennessee is breaking my mind and forces my desperation to find comprehensive medical solutions to my worsening gender dysphoria. I will not talk at length about what is going on here in this state, but I will discuss my current progress in regards to getting the care I need, and why it has come to a stop.

My mom is the sponsor of my healthcare plan with a federally funded healthcare program named Tricare. Tricare is for active-duty military members and their families. I must be a full-time student in university to be on my mom's healthcare plan. As a dependent, I have been able to obtain hormone medication. I have yet to start my medication because I need to cryopreserve my fertility in the case I permanently and irreversibly lose it. So I am using the little money I saved over the years to pay for the enormous cost of just storing a sample for just one year until I can find a sustainable financial solution. I have my appointment scheduled later this month, so I hope to start my medication then. However, a bill that passed the U.S. House of Representatives is threatening to take away my hormone medication. I need to find a more reliable healthcare plan in the case that this bill is signed into law.

This is about as positive as my transition progress goes. Tricare doesn't cover any gender-affirming surgery for non-active-duty dependents. I do not have the money to pay for facial feminization of facial hair removal myself. I have researched employers in my area to see who provides comprehensive gender-affirming healthcare benefits with little success. Research is tedious and I have low confidence that I will be hired by any of the few employers that I have found. So, I guess I need to quit school and look for a job to pay for my own healthcare. I've tried numerous times before over the last three years with no success. Even if I did have a job to pay for the costs of my own healthcare, the options for comprehensive trans healthcare in the state of Tennessee is extremely limited thanks to the lack of anti-discrimination healthcare laws.

I want to stay in school, but I'm forced to upend my academics just to get the healthcare I need. I wasn't passing anyways, but I care deeply about my academics. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I could be catching up on my reading and doing assignments, but I care far more about getting the care I need. I am hell-bent on getting facial feminization surgery and keeping my medication. I am literally willing to sell my soul. I don't know how or when I'm going to get facial feminization surgery. I don't know how I'm going to pay for hormone medications. I don't know how, when or what to tell my family if I decide to just suddenly say "I'm trans." My mom is financially stupid, constantly overspending and taking on debt. My dad will likely view my desires as vain, especially facial feminization surgery. Neither of my parents really understand what's going on, nor do they seem to care despite the hints I give when I'm in distress. I've applied to grant programs for surgery with zero success.

Intense self-hatred and suicidal thoughts

I really hate that other people I know seem to have rich, supportive parents, or are well-connected and got the right job, or just happen to live in a liberal state with far cheaper and easier access to the same care I need. One friend got facial feminization, hormones, and laser hair removal through Medi-Cal for literally nothing, and the other got facial feminization, hormones, and laser hair removal through their work at a vastly reduced cost. They both pass as women by the way. I don't. It sends me into a deep rage to see other trans women who are beautiful and happy while I'm neither. This keeps me awake at night. It makes me want to skip class and stay at home and cry all day in bed. Someone recently said to me, "Life is a journey and may take you to unexpected, unplanned destinations." I secretly wanted to say something equally unexpected and unplanned, like something about putting an end to said journey. This life-is-a-journey way of thinking is shallow and child-like from my point of view as a person struggling to simply get basic trans healthcare in a state that hates my existence.

I'm thinking of starting a fundraiser with a goal to raise more than half of the money needed to facial feminization surgery by this time next year, but that probably won't work. I've thought about moving to a different state, maybe living with my dad until I have enough for surgery or have acquired better healthcare. I just need to find a way to get scheduled for facial feminization surgery and continue my hormone medication. I don't know what else to say in this introduction. Feel free to say whatever in response. I would especially like to recieve any help or guidance you can provide. Thank you.

 @user93797
Dear Auriel
I have noticed that you have just registered today as a new member and
this is your very first posting.
All of us on the Forum are very glad that you found us and that you are now here.

Here on the Forum we have members coming from all backgrounds and with a variety of experiences.

I am wishing you a Warm Welcome to Susan's Place!

I look forward to your involvement on the Forum and reading your
future postings, comments and thoughts.

Please review the LINKS at the end of this message, they include information which will help you to navigate
the site and use the available features. Look especially at the LINKS in RED...
...there are answers to questions that most new members ask.

If after carefully reading all of the information in my message and in the LINKS below, and
you still have more questions regarding how the Forum works, you can contact me
via my private Email that is shown immediatly following my name below:

Once you reach 15 posts you will be able to send and reply to Forum private messages, also
you will then be able to upload and post your Avatar profile picture.

There should be some additional like-minded members coming along
to greet you and to help answer any questions that you may have.

Warmest Regards,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]  E-Mail: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
The Forum Administrator

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            cc: @Sarah B
                  @LoriDee

@user93797
Dear Auriel
I noticed in your introduction posting that you mentioned that
you may have "intense hatred and suicidal thoughts"...
.... this makes me and all of us on the Susan's Place Forum very concerned for
your well-being...please read on...

If you need mental health resources and support, please call, text,
or chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or visit
 988lifeline.org for 24/7 access to free and confidential services.
For youth services dial 988 and then press 3, or text PRIDE to 988.

Please continue communicating with us here on the Forum... we have ears to
listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.

HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator  (Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com)
    ***NOTE: You can also feel free to DM private message me on Discord...
                my username there is:  Danielle (Northern Star Girl)

    cc: @Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Lori Dee  @Sarah B

Hi 93797, I think many, if not all of us can recognise slices of ourselves in your bio. We offer an Olympic sized swimming pool full of experience and support, so dive in.

Right now, you can see the road ahead, but also the obstacles and are feeling daunted by that.

From the sound of it you have got mostly past the masculine scripts that were making you feel bad about yourself, but it's been a struggle and has taken its toll.

You haven't told your parents yet and are at the stage of conjecturing what they think, but you've been able to obtain some hormone medication through your mom's healthcare plan. That's a massive step.

There remains the issue of how to stay on the plan, and you've identified the key to that as being either full-time at university, or finding a job, but that's where you are stuck and your state isn't the most sympathetic one in the US about trans.

Your mood issues are material because they are standing in the way of you moving on and Northern Star Girl aka Danielle has already given some pointers here.

Can you access counselling? There will be some available through Danielle's links, I believe, but some sessions would help. If you can get counselling, just go and serve up your biog to them. Meantime, blow off steam here, because you will find us an empathic audience and because the more you talk, the easier it will get.

Hi.

Welcome Auriel!


Chrissy

Hello Auriel!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

I can certainly understand your struggles, as many of us can. We have been through this, or similar experiences too. You are not alone.

The best advice I can give is to seek out a therapist with experience in Gender Identities. The 988 Lifeline that Danielle linked above can help you with that.

The reason a therapist is important is to establish a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria by a mental health professional. Once you have that diagnosis your medical transition from hormones to surgery is considered treatment for your symptoms. That is what gets insurance plans to cover the treatments. Because things like facial surgery, which is normally considered "cosmetic," become "medically necessary" treatments.

When you see other trans women who have had these procedures and look the way that you want to look, I can assure you that it was not easy for them. There is a process that we all need to go through to get things done. And yes, it takes time and money. There will be struggles. There will be ups and downs. Having a therapist to talk to face to face, who knows you and knows what you are going through can be a big help while you work on things like where to live, a job, insurance, and all the adult things that we all have to deal with.

We will be here to offer whatever support we can, but meeting with a therapist face to face is so much better than taking advice from strangers on the internet. Things do get better if you have patience and take your journey one step at a time. You can do this. Hang in there.

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Lori Dee

Hello Auriel

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

Auriel is a nice name meaning gold in Latin and if you like your screen name and login name to be changed to that name.  Danielle our Administrator can do that for you if you so wish. 

Thank you for sharing your story with us, it takes a lot of courage to open up about your journey.  It sounds like you are facing significant challenges, but there are some basic steps that you can take to help change your life around that will help you to be who you want to be.  The first one on the list is the most important.

• Seek Professional Help:  It's crucial to talk to a therapist who understands your feelings, who specialises in gender dysphoria and can help you explore your identity and desires, especially in regards to feminising your body.  I cannot stress this point enough.  I would also reiterate and maybe call the help line that Danielle mentioned above, to help you sort out your issues.
• Stay in School:  Completing your education can open doors to better job opportunities, which will help you afford future treatments.  Education is a powerful tool that can lead to the stability and resources you need.  I know this from personal experience, I had a certificate in Civil Engineering and that helped me no end when I changed my life around.
• Medical Treatment:  You have mentioned that you are soon to start medical treatment and I hope that goes well for you.  However, if there are problems with the laws in Tennessee, then get that medical treatment from interstate.  Starting your medical treatment as soon as possible will prevent further damage to your body caused by testosterone and given your age the results will be very favourable to you.
• Find Feminine Activities:  Explore feminine interests that resonate with you, even in subtle ways.  Engaging in activities that bring you joy and help express your identity can alleviate some gender dysphoria and foster a sense of contentment.  I suggest you read this particular thread as it may help relieve some of the symptoms that you are experiencing: Ways to be feminine in guy mode
• General Considerations:  Have a back up plan, find a part time job to alleviate the costs of changing your life around.  It is nice to have it all paid for, however given your current circumstances that does not seem likely.  Having a part time job would help pay for your medicine and hopefully work on your facial hair.

You mentioned that you have not told anyone about yourself.  You don't have to tell anyone unless you feel comfortable in doing so.  The reason I'm telling you this is because I have never told anyone about my medical condition, my family knows and a couple of doctors also.

So one final suggestion and that is to slow down and take a deep breath.  It seems from what you have already written you are on your way and that is the most important thing one can do.  So one small step at a time and you will get there eventually.  Changing your life around overnight is not possible even for me it was not possible either as it took me two years to achieve what I wanted.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
PS  I edited my post.  I swapped the first two items on the list around and stressed how important the first step was.
@Lori Dee
@Northern Star Girl
@user93797

Tennessee is awful. So are Texas, Florida, Utah, and many other super red states. I'm in Iowa, which has a fairly hard right governor, but in day to day life is not super bad in the bigger cities. I can only say that I support you and hope for a better future for all of us everywhere. If I had infinite resources, I would pay for everyone in dangerous places to relocate to more trans friendly areas.

Thank you for your all of your replies. I don't know how to respond to a specific user, so I will make this post as a general reply to all users who replied. Hopefully I addressed all or most of the topics they introduced or expanded upon.

My initial post embodies a great deal of emotions that I think about daily. I could talk at length about my problems but that would be useless. A few people I am friends with are aware of my goals and my struggles, but I can't repeatedly express my emotions to them. That is why I have seen a therapist every week for the last two years. But my mental health issues have not improved—they have become worse despite my attentiveness to my health. The reason my health has become worse is because I am not getting the healthcare I need which is made worse when I waste energy researching, calling, emailing, and speaking with various agents, representatives, therapists and other providers only to be told there is nothing they can do. I spend my hours internally screaming at the system that put me in this position while maintaining a show of composure when I speak with said people.

A significant reason therapy has not worked is because many of the psychotherapists in my area of Clarksville, Tennessee are not experienced or well-educated in topics regarding gender dysphoria, transgender healthcare, and other issues I cannot name here. Even if the perfect psychotherapist practiced in my area, the waitlist for rare professionals is usually long and there is a chance my health insurance does not cover sessions with a certain provider. I know the waitlists for professionals experienced in transgender mental health issues are longer than the average provider because I found one in my area who could not allow me to book an appointment. I suppose I could wait longer, or I could try to look for providers in Nashville and bear the drive once weekly. But I must keep in mind that in my search for the right therapist, I changed providers five times because we weren't getting anywhere and I didn't feel comfortable.

Therapy has not been helpful. I suppose it is helpful, but it is best characterized as using a band-aid for a massive wound.

I have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria. Despite this fact, there are many health insurance companies in the state of Tennessee who have strict exclusions of gender-affirming surgeries. Even the state Medicaid, TennCare, explicitly excludes coverage for gender-affirming surgery (see page 12).

It is so hard to have patience. Impatience and desperation has brought me here because I cannot waste my time not researching, not asking questions, not finding ways to get the care I need. If this forum has anything to offer, I want it because I'm desperate for solutions to get the care I need while my current situation strictly prohibits access to it.

I will reiterate a point from my initial post: I have been consistently failing courses in university thanks to my worsening conditions. I don't see a way out. More of my time is spent worrying about acquiring the healthcare I need more than my schoolwork. Some days I cannot suppress the negative mood that prevents me from studying. Is staying in school my best choice given the trend?

I hope to talk more about solutions rather than problems. I hope there is someone here familiar with employers in my area where I can reasonably expect to be hired and take advantage of the comprehensive transgender health care benefits. Otherwise, my next step will be to move out of state which represents a total upending of my life in pursuit of basic healthcare.

I know the frustration of not having the care you need available. I live in the Black Hills of South Dakota. As a disabled veteran all of my medical care is covered through the VA... but the VA will not cover surgeries. I got electrolysis approved as "medically necessary" but no one in this area does it and the VA will not send me someplace that does. Even if the VA changed the regulations to cover surgeries, there is no one in the area that does them.

So our situations are similar. I am already making plans to move someplace where I can get the care I need. My apartment lease does not expire until August 2025, so I have from now to then to figure out the details.

I would suggest that you focus on your schoolwork. I mean really get into it. It will help distract you from focusing on lack of medical care. Take care of your "here and now". While doing that, start making a plan of where to go and how to get there.

Minnesota has state laws that make sure that insurance companies will cover gender affirming care. You are not far from Illinois. The Chicago area always has work available and it pays well. But the cost of housing is very high. I lived in northern Illinois for 25 years. We would work in Chicago and make good money but lived in the suburbs where housing was less expensive.

You need to figure out where you can go to get what you need. Make a plan, do research so you understand what jobs are available, what do they pay, how much will it cost to move, how much will it cost to live there, etc. As you start figuring things out you will make adjustments to your plan.

Then. Work. The. Plan. Every. Day.

It took me a year to figure out where I was going and what I needed to do to make it happen. I saved every penny I could to help finance the trip. I planned for things to go wrong. And when I thought I had everything covered, I got in my truck and started driving and I never looked back. I left behind friends and family who were no help to me. I got here and lived in the forest from May to November until an apartment became available. It didn't matter, I was prepared in case that happened. I was determined to stick to the plan no matter what.

You need to dig down deep and find that kind of resolve. If you want it bad enough, you will get it done. You cannot rely on anyone else to live your life for you. No one is going to hand you what you need. You need to do what you need to do for you. No regrets. No excuses. Make it happen.

If there is something we can do to help you figure out the details, we are here for you. But we can't do it for you. It is up to you to get off the couch and put your plan into action. If I can do it at 60 years old, you most certainly can do it.

I hope this helps you in some way. Good luck.

Quote from: user93797 on October 08, 2024, 11:32:56 PMIs staying in school my best choice given the trend?

If you are looking for solutions, then the state of Tennessee is not the best place for finding them, so on our mythical whiteboard, I would put 'move somewhere else' up.

But right now you are in a vicious circle, where you could get care if you could manage a course at university, but you can't complete a course because you're time is taken up searching for solutions and you're experiencing mood swings which make it worse.

So on the board we can also write, 'Get thru Uni somehow' because if you could achieve that, you could get care, I think?

Which takes us to what is stopping you getting through Uni. It sounds like you have confidence you could do a course if you were studying without the distractions. So I'd add to our board, 'Work out some kind of temporary fix for the distractions even if it is only a kludge'. This is not discounting what's making it hard for you, just breaking this down into its components, so it is easier to think about it.

Yet the 'Get thru Uni' entry on our board is only there because of the law in Tennessee. Which means the 'Temporary fix' entry is dependent on it.

The other thing we should write up there is 'Don't want to upend life in pursuit of healthcare'. But maybe we can add below that, 'Healthcare will upend life anyway, and change things for the better.'

Only you can decide how these entries balance up, but reading your posts, I'd say this is the core of it, because you aren't questioning your gender dysphoria and so we can leave that off the board completely.