I'm sure a lot of you will not remember me. My name is Chelsea. What I am about to say my "Trigger" some of you so just so you know. I am just warning you to not expect to much from HRT unless you start young AF. I came here when I first started transition almost 7 years ago. Like a lot of you I had a great childhood but when puberty started and girls started getting butts and boobs and guys starting getting hairy legs and muscles, I knew something was very wrong. I didn't develop like others. When everyone around me was going through puberty I stayed looking like a kid. My mom took me to a doctor in Knoxville that told her I was a "Late Bloomer" and wanted to start me on testosterone for 4 weeks to give me a "Kick Start".
That one moment has totally trashed my entire life. I told mom that I felt like a girl and living in the south she smacked me in the face and said "You're a good looking boy and to never talk that way again" So I thought the way I was feeling was wrong. So I kept it hid. When I started looking like a guy it was devastating.
By the time I was in my early teens I was already shaving my legs and painting my toes because it was something I could hide. Eventually that wasn't enough. Then women's underwear was the fix. There was times that I felt ashamed and tried to "Man Up" by growing out my beard, lifting weights and got more attention from women then ever before but it made me want to die. This got worse over the years.
By the year 1998 I first discovered trans-women on the internet. I was amazed and didn't even know what it was I was seeing. So I started doing research and found out how they was doing it. I also knew that there was know way I could ever do anything like that, so I let it go. I never understood why I felt like a girl but wasn't attracted to men. I discovered the hormones from Thailand for feminizing so I ordered some. After doing that for almost two years it wasn't really doing anything besides making my skin soft so I give up. In 2013 I started my own business thinking I could "sneak" and transition and no body would know. I really was that naive. Started the cheap photo-estrogens from Thailand again with no luck or not caring about the risk. Finally at the end of 2017 I had had enough. I told my girlfriend of 10 years that there was something really wrong with me and I want to go see a professional. We drove an hour away to see my first psychiatrist and after a long emotional 2 hours telling her my entire life story she told me that I was more then likely transgender. I immediately went to get a second opinion and sure enough was told the same thing. On the way home, all I could think about is that "I cant do this" "Everyone will make fun of me" "All my friends will never talk to me again" "My family will disown me" "I will never get a job again" "How would I ever get surgeries?" I mean a hour of nothing but seeing a dead end.
Late that afternoon while my girlfriend was sleeping I didn't see any way out so, I grabbed my dads 12 gauge shotgun and walked up in my woods behind my house and sit down under a tree and put the barrel in my mouth and prepared to fix it. I cried out loud for about 45 minuets and a thought came through my head that "If its worth dying for then its worth trying to fix. One week later I started HRT from a place in Knoxville. I was the happiest day of my life but was short lived. About 21 months went by and I wasn't developing like some of my trans friends. Planned Parenthood would never check my levels so I left and found me a endocrinologist that had done only male to female trans people for 33 years and was highly recommended. On my first blood test my Testosterone was over 500 and my estrogen was on 70. I was so pissed that I wasted the first 21 months. I started in my mid forties and never did any research on what to expect form HRT. My only thought was "Oh crap I am getting old so I gotta start now." With perfect levels for the next few years I was very let down.
The only thing that HRT did for me was soft skin, a feminine kinda face, A cups, and that's about it. No hips, No ass, No thighs, No shape, No curves, No teeth and a stomach that looks like a can of busted biscuits. I used to dream about being voluptuous and sexy but sadly that day will never come. I learned how to act and look happy in pictures. Truth is I am more miserable now then I was before because I know I am screwed no matter how many surgeries. They cant move bones. I don't care how vain or superficial it sounds it is what I wanted. I dreamed for all these years. I look pretty good but its all fake and I will never be happy. I wear elastic bands and tape behind my neck to keep the skin tight so I don't look so damn old. I wear literally 10 pounds of silicone shape-wear under my clothes to make me look "kind of normal" 10 POUNDS. That padding goes all the way to my knees. I cant even wear a simple pair of shorts, a skirt, a dress, a bikini or god forbid anything sexy because of my disgusting man body. Naked I look like a soft hairless boy with a-cups and its the most disgusting thing I have every seen.
I told my mom I was a girl when I was young. When there was enough time to fix me and be happy. She did this to me. She passed away last year and I am glad she is gone. I should take a dump on her grave.I hate her for making me live this was. For letting testosterone destroy me. I will never be happy. I'm sick of therapist telling me to accept it. Not no but hell NO.
My reason for posting this was if any of you think your gonna be curvy and voluptuous and sexy starting hormones this late in life I will not turn out like you think. Some are ok with what they get. Me? I will absolutely not continue life looking like I do now. I will get the courage someday to stop my pain. Someday I will. This will be the last picture of me ever. Elastic bands, Tape, breast forms, 10 pounds of silicone padding, Photoshop and filters. I'm done with all of this. I said something back when I was young enough to fix this. Thanks mom. I hope you rot.
