Hi everyone. I don't know if anyone else has been in a situation like this but I'll try to give a short story.

I have an uncle currently in the hospital. He is in need of open heart surgery. He needs quadruple bypass. Recently they discovered cirrhosis in his liver so his open heart surgery was canceled and they gave him a pacemaker instead. To get to the point he's still going to need to quadruple bypass surgery soon. He is 69 years old and a very heavy man so I seriously doubt he will live much longer.

The situation now gets more complicated with the fact that my aunt and I don't speak. This is my uncle's wife by the way. She seemed to get very jealous of me when I transitioned to female and now she basically thinks I'm the devil. She is one of those born again Christian types who I don't see eye to eye with at all.

On the other hand I am very close with my cousin (My uncle's son.) He is like a brother to me. He's been there for me all through my transition and I stay in touch with him the most.

I guess the problem is now that my uncle is dying and my aunt is about to be hit with some very hard times; I would end up seeing her at the funeral. These arrangements haven't even been made yet but I am very apprehensive about this situation and questioning if I should even attend the funeral. My mother did tell me my cousin said he would write me an email soon. I might get to talk to him about this. I would really only go to the funeral for him anyway.

Has anyone else found themselves in a complicated situation like this? What do you suggest I do?

Hi Athena,

I have thought about a similar situation within my own family.

First, don't count your uncle out so fast. He may not be in the best of health, but I have seen people in bad shape who survived and continued living for many years.

I agree that it doesn't hurt to have a plan should things go badly.

In my own situation, my parents are elderly and most of the family has nothing to do with me. I have openly hostile brothers, and one of them I am sure will officiate at a funeral. He has inserted himself in similar situations, like my mother's funeral, so I have no doubts about this. There is a strong possibility that I will not be invited to attend.

Several family reunions have been held where I was not invited and only learned of them several months later. When questioned about it, my father said that due to the animosity (pre-transition) between me and my brother, it was best if I didn't come so there would be no confrontations.

My dad's brother (my uncle) and one of his daughters have been very supportive of me. Although they disapprove of the situation, they would be an ally in any uncomfortable situation.

The thing to remember is that funerals are held for the living, not the dead. It is a chance to say goodbye and provide closure. I can do that without needing to see a body in a casket. And I would avoid any drama for me and others by not attending. I can always visit my uncle and cousin and spend time with allies during their grieving period.

I think what you need to consider is how close were you to the deceased, and whether will you feel an obligation to say goodbye and pay respects in person. If your only reason for going is to support a family member, you can do that by spending time with them before and after the funeral. That would prevent turmoil at the funeral itself. Sure, there will be some to criticize us for not attending, but in my case, there will be even more that are thankful if I don't.

I hope this gives you some things to think about and is helpful somehow.

Quote from: CosmicJoke on October 19, 2024, 09:53:53 AMHi everyone. I don't know if anyone else has been in a situation like this but I'll try to give a short story.

I have an uncle currently in the hospital. He is in need of open heart surgery. He needs quadruple bypass. Recently they discovered cirrhosis in his liver so his open heart surgery was canceled and they gave him a pacemaker instead. To get to the point he's still going to need to quadruple bypass surgery soon. He is 69 years old and a very heavy man so I seriously doubt he will live much longer.

The situation now gets more complicated with the fact that my aunt and I don't speak. This is my uncle's wife by the way. She seemed to get very jealous of me when I transitioned to female and now she basically thinks I'm the devil. She is one of those born again Christian types who I don't see eye to eye with at all.

On the other hand I am very close with my cousin (My uncle's son.) He is like a brother to me. He's been there for me all through my transition and I stay in touch with him the most.

I guess the problem is now that my uncle is dying and my aunt is about to be hit with some very hard times; I would end up seeing her at the funeral. These arrangements haven't even been made yet but I am very apprehensive about this situation and questioning if I should even attend the funeral. My mother did tell me my cousin said he would write me an email soon. I might get to talk to him about this. I would really only go to the funeral for him anyway.

Has anyone else found themselves in a complicated situation like this? What do you suggest I do?

The thing with funerals is that you put aside differences you have with people who attend them. Take it from someone who's been to way, WAY too many. You're not there to deal with the matters of the living. You're there to pay your respects to the person who's passed on. And if someone doesn't get that... that's their issue, not yours. And massively distasteful.

And that's literally all you have to think, or care about. If someone else doesn't, that isn't your problem and they need to grow up. I suggest you ignore the hatred, and do whatever you need to do for your uncle, Cosmic. Yes, you need to go. You need to pay your respects. If it comes to that. To hell with what other people think. It isn't about them and to think it is, is just selfish. If it comes to that, you go... you mourn, you grieve, you be there for other people affected. And you don't give two hoots about petty gender politics by people who have nothing better to think about.

Life is more than what gender you are.

I don't know just how angry your aunt is with you,  What do you think about sending your aunt a sympathy card before the service telling her that you are sorry for her loss. Then attending the service to support your cousin and to pay your respects.  Give your aunt room, if she approaches you that would be a plus.  I think the worst that would happen is that you may feel a need to leave early, but you'll know you did the right thing. 

You could send a card now telling your aunt that you heard of uncle _____'s illness and that they are both in you prayers.  Find a nice "thinking of you" card that's blank inside. 

I wish you all the best in this.

Paulie.