Hi,

Had my first appointment with my therapist! She's really nice, and I get along better with women then men due to being abused mentally, physically, and possibly sexually. My memories are very fuzzy when it comes to the possible sexual abuse.

We spoke about my gender questioning and she was able to put somethings into perspective for me. It was great to get an outsiders perspective. One part of this that really concerns me is the fact that every morning I wake up and I am so very grateful that I never transitioned, or did so in my earlier years. Then as the day goes on all the other thoughts start hitting me. This pattern is exhausting! It causes me a lot of distress. It will be something that I will work through with therapy.

I hate that I hate myself...lol I can't but laugh at this as it's so ridiculous. I hate that I hate my life *sigh*. I hate that I hate that I might be transgendered! Yes, this all makes me laugh. Going through the doldrums have the same pattern every day is just exhausting!

I don't know how to end this post. But I guess I can say that I am safe.

A good therapist can be a big help.

I am wishing you more clarity and peace of mind, and that the days ahead are better and better for you.

Chrissy

@treeseeds

I went through the same thing that you are experiencing. At first, I didn't know why I was unhappy and that was why I got into therapy in the first place. When I got my diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria, I rejected it outright because I didn't really understand what that meant. I spent two years in therapy just learning the difference between gender identity, biological sex, and sexual preference. As I learned about these things, I began to see how they applied to me.

I finally reached a point where I felt I had to make a decision. I could go on being unhappy and playing a role that society expected of me, or I could embrace the idea that this is who I am. Do I really care what others think? Have they been helpful so far? No, and no.

I decided long ago to avoid negativity in my life. The people who did not approve of me were cut out. I don't have any need to hear their reasons why I shouldn't exist. So I do not interact with them any longer. I surround myself with good people who are either supportive or just do not care what gender I express.

Stick with the therapy and I hope you too will come to understand what and who you are. I mean really understand and accept yourself. Very often that barrier is one of guilt or shame. We have all been there. When you understand that you did nothing wrong, it is not your fault, this is how we are born. It is a much better feeling to wake up and be happy with yourself.

Are there things we still want to change? Of course. We aren't perfect yet. Transition is a lifelong journey and the further you go, the better we are able to accept, approve, and even love who we are.

We all want that for you too.

Quote from: treeseeds on October 26, 2024, 08:05:04 AMHi,

Had my first appointment with my therapist! She's really nice, and I get along better with women then men due to being abused mentally, physically, and possibly sexually. My memories are very fuzzy when it comes to the possible sexual abuse.

We spoke about my gender questioning and she was able to put somethings into perspective for me. It was great to get an outsiders perspective. One part of this that really concerns me is the fact that every morning I wake up and I am so very grateful that I never transitioned, or did so in my earlier years. Then as the day goes on all the other thoughts start hitting me. This pattern is exhausting! It causes me a lot of distress. It will be something that I will work through with therapy.

I hate that I hate myself...lol I can't but laugh at this as it's so ridiculous. I hate that I hate my life *sigh*. I hate that I hate that I might be transgendered! Yes, this all makes me laugh. Going through the doldrums have the same pattern every day is just exhausting!

I don't know how to end this post. But I guess I can say that I am safe.

If it's okay, honey, can I ask you some questions? You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Firstly, and probably most obviously... why are you grateful that you didn't transition earlier in your life? What does the idea of transitioning mean to you?

What do you hate about your life, Treeseeds? Most people hate themselves, and their lives, in varying degrees, for very specific reasons. Working out what those reasons are is a step on the path towards dealing with the "why".

What is it that you don't want to accept?

Quote from: Sephirah on October 26, 2024, 03:54:12 PMIf it's okay, honey, can I ask you some questions? You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Firstly, and probably most obviously... why are you grateful that you didn't transition earlier in your life? What does the idea of transitioning mean to you?

What do you hate about your life, Treeseeds? Most people hate themselves, and their lives, in varying degrees, for very specific reasons. Working out what those reasons are is a step on the path towards dealing with the "why".

What is it that you don't want to accept?

Hi!

I've never answered a question on here before. I hope I am doing it correctly.

I am grateful that I never transitioned when I was younger because when I was living part-time as a woman I found it stressful. Even though I had men hitting on me, and approaching me. So I guess I was passing...lol I found it stressful because I would have to hide it from my roommates, and I had to put in a great deal of effort and time to look attractive.

Also, I have pattern baldness and the thought of having to wear a wig for the rest of my life sounds daunting to me.

As for what I hate in my life. I guess it would be the constant back and forth of questioning my gender identity. Not liking the looks of my body and feeling shame about that. Yet, feeling thankful that I never went from looking like a man to looking like a woman. Sometimes I am fine with how I look, other times I find it repulsive. It's frustrating.

The possible shame and embarrassment of having to publicly transition. I live in a small city. I have never identified myself as being a member of the LGBTQ community, even though I consider myself an ally.

The shame, confusion, and fear is real as we all know.

If I were to ever start to transition and then change my mind I would be incredibly embarrassing.

Fear plays a large role in my life. I do have PTSD from previous trauma and abuse done to me. I just want to feel safe, that's all I really want and need and I feel like I don't have any of that. My whole life has been one of trying to not just run from men out of fear of them hurting me...and when I look in the mirror I see a man. Men have hurt me, quite severely in past and in mind they continue to do so.

FYI-I am safe and in no danger.

@treeseeds

I am so very glad that you found your way to the Susan's Place Forum to share your
thoughts and comments regarding your personal journey.

As you become more involved in conversations here on the Forum you will
undoubtedly make some like-minded friends here.... and be able to get
some answers to your "life" questions.

In response to your first several introduction postings I see that you have already
been Officially Welcomed by our staff members @Lori Dee  and  @Sarah B
and several other members.... and you given the Forum rules that will help you
navigate safely around the Forum.

If you have questions about how the Forum works, please feel free to ask.

Hugs and best wishes to you as you continue in your journey.
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

Hi Treeseeds

Thank you for sharing your experiences and stories.  Your courage in seeking peace is inspiring, especially given the complexities of being married with children.  While I have never experienced the same situation.  I hope the following suggestions provide comfort, support and peace you so richly deserve.

• Staying committed to therapy can help untangle the layers of identity, trauma, gender identity and self perception.  By sharing openly with your therapist as you have done will give you the space to explore your feelings without judgement.  Addressing past trauma, particularly around gendered experiences, may help lessen some of the fear, shame, and confusion that you are facing in your life.
• Gender dysphoria is persistent and will not stop and unless one takes steps to alleviate the symptoms, inevitably intensifies. Or will return with a vengeance if one buries it.  If there was a cure for this dysphoria, we would know about it.  However, there are ways to manage it.  It might not be about stopping what you are thinking, but rather finding moments of peace, where your dysphoria does not have as strong hold on you.  Those moments might come from therapy self expression or even sharing with others in this community.
• Find feminine activities if experimenting with femininity is still of interest, you might choose ways to incorporating subtle, affirming activities into daily life, that resonate with you, even in subtle ways without committing to permanent changes.  Engaging in activities that bring you joy and help express your identity can alleviate some gender dysphoria and foster a sense of contentment.  I suggest you read this particular thread as it may help relieve some of the symptoms that you are experiencing: Ways to be feminine in guy mode.
• Regarding your relationship with your wife and family.  Only you can tell them if and when you are ready and want to.  Being totally honest is the key.  There are members here, Lori Dee, SoupSarah, Robbyv213, Susan_Rose, Imallie, LurkinLiz and Allie Jayne to name a few, who have gone or going through something similar to what you are experiencing now.  I'm sure reading their stories will give you the insight and help you need.  It might help to remind you that your journey while deeply personal does not diminish your partnership, love or how deeply you care for her or your children.

So one final suggestion and that is to slow down and take a deep breath.  It seems from what you have already written you are on your way to finding out who you really are and that is the most important thing one can do.  So one small step at a time and you will get there eventually.  Changing your life around overnight is not possible even for me it was not possible either as it took me two years to achieve what I wanted and I know you will find your own way.

Take care and all the best for the future and remember, Susan's is here to help you as much as possible, you only have to ask.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@treeseeds

Hang in there with the therapist appointments. You have also found a good resource here and they are a good sounding board. One thing I discovered that this is not a path you started down for entertainment or a fun time. This can be trying to start out but discovering yourself is the right thing to do.

Hugs from a new member also,
Louis

Hi, Treeseeds.

I am glad to hear that you are talking to a therapist.  That is probably the best thing to do to work through the fear and confusion that you are feeling.  Most of us here on Susan's have felt the same things, so ask questions.  You will get lots of perspectives from the members here.

Quote from: treeseeds on October 26, 2024, 11:36:58 PMAlso, I have pattern baldness and the thought of having to wear a wig for the rest of my life sounds daunting to me.

I, too, have MPB.  It sucks, but it is what it is.  The one thing I can say is that, while wearing a hat or a wig any time I go out is a PITA, it is far from being the worst annoyance in my life.  It's just part of my life now.  It is really no worse than having to wear pants or a skirt.

Quote from: treeseeds on October 26, 2024, 11:36:58 PMThe possible shame and embarrassment of having to publicly transition. I live in a small city. I have never identified myself as being a member of the LGBTQ community, even though I consider myself an ally.

This was a big fear for me, too.  I transitioned in a small, very rural village, population 200, max.  Mostly fishermen and hillbillies, and I truly thought I might have to move away.  But, to my surprise, it was okay!  While there were a few raised eyebrows, but no one was mean to me, and most simply accepted me as maybe a little bit weird but basically an okay person.  Which is all I could have asked for.

I hope that, if you do decide to transition, it goes as well for you as it did for me.

Quote from: treeseeds on October 26, 2024, 11:36:58 PMHi!

I've never answered a question on here before. I hope I am doing it correctly.

Honey, there is no "correctly". No one expects you to answer something a certain way, okay? Just say how you feel. Or don't say anything at all. Both are equally good. I know it can be daunting trying to answer stuff, especially if you feel put on the spot. That's okay. Just say how you feel, or don't if you don't want to. It's okay. <3

QuoteI am grateful that I never transitioned when I was younger because when I was living part-time as a woman I found it stressful. Even though I had men hitting on me, and approaching me. So I guess I was passing...lol I found it stressful because I would have to hide it from my roommates, and I had to put in a great deal of effort and time to look attractive.[/i]

... Honey. that's kind of womanhood. No woman comes out of the womb being a supermodel. Standards of beauty these days are so insane... I personally never, ever understood it. Why women have to spend hours plastering makeup on themselves to be attractive to people, but guys can just stink like a garbage bin and throw on the same week old pair of pants. It makes NO sense. It's evolutionary unfairness on a massive scale. We have much lower standards than guys do, lol.

QuoteAlso, I have pattern baldness and the thought of having to wear a wig for the rest of my life sounds daunting to me.

There are always other options, honey.

QuoteAs for what I hate in my life. I guess it would be the constant back and forth of questioning my gender identity. Not liking the looks of my body and feeling shame about that. Yet, feeling thankful that I never went from looking like a man to looking like a woman. Sometimes I am fine with how I look, other times I find it repulsive. It's frustrating.

Did you ever consider you may be non-binary? That you don't have to choose? A good many people here are like that, honey. They don't identify with either male or female. It isn't a one or a zero. It's somewhere in between and they are extremely happy with that. Have you thought that might apply to you? We have a whole section here for folks who don't fall into the either/or mindset. Some very wise, very switched on individuals.

QuoteThe possible shame and embarrassment of having to publicly transition. I live in a small city. I have never identified myself as being a member of the LGBTQ community, even though I consider myself an ally.

The shame, confusion, and fear is real as we all know.

If I were to ever start to transition and then change my mind I would be incredibly embarrassing.

Fear plays a large role in my life. I do have PTSD from previous trauma and abuse done to me. I just want to feel safe, that's all I really want and need and I feel like I don't have any of that. My whole life has been one of trying to not just run from men out of fear of them hurting me...and when I look in the mirror I see a man. Men have hurt me, quite severely in past and in mind they continue to do so.

FYI-I am safe and in no danger.

All I can really offer is the famous quote from Dune:

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."