@MsLeigh
Dear MsLeigh:
I am so very glad to read that you are enjoying our site.  There is not only a wealth of information here but the other thing that our members enjoy is the personal stories that our members share with each other. 

Many of our members develop warm friendships here.

I am eagerly looking forward to you future sharing around the Forum.

HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: MsLeigh on October 31, 2024, 11:27:26 AMThanks, I passed some time blogging while in the waiting room.  All went well, heading home soon.

I apologize if I am wearing you out.  I'm hooked on this site!! Feels like a new toy for Christmas.  Maybe I will get tired and put it away..... hahaha..       Don't hold your breath quite yet. I love the connections.

Hugs,
Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on October 28, 2024, 03:00:51 PMAccepting myself as female has made questions surface.... hmmmm here is a weird one. While raking leaves this morning I got to thinking...If my true gender is female....would I have had children if I was born CIS female?

The answer came to me fast YES! I remember dressing up as female when real young. I would borrow my older sisters clothes and stuff them to make me look pregnant. I would also borrow a doll and stuff a bra with socks and then pretend I was nursing the doll. This might be to much info for some but to me it validates what was going through my brain during those years. Was I born with a female gender?,, I believe yes.

Louis

Why wouldn't you want kids? What difference does your gender make? Some people just want to be parents. Listen, you don't have to justify this to yourself. Having different bits in different places doesn't change your desire to have a family. To pass on your legacy to the world. If that's what you want then that's what you want. If it means you do it with what you have then that's what happens. Don't ever let that be playing on your mind when it comes to deciding who you are, okay?

You don't need to justify this in any way, okay? You don't need to look for reasons why you are who you are. You don't need to validate it anymore than any other woman has to validate themselves. You just are, in whatever way you want to be. You get to choose. You get to decide the course of your life. And you don't have to prove it to anyone.

Being true to yourself isn't necessarily about mimicking how other people do something. Sure, if that's what you want, if it makes you happy... go for it. But the most important thing, the thing that everything else in your life will spring from, is just self acceptance. As Ghandi said: "Be the change you want to see in the world." Be your own woman. Not everywoman.

Notice to readers:

        The member's original username Louis aka: Lee was changed to MsLeigh
 ref:              Changing Your Name on the Forum
  https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,196460.msg2285462.html#msg2285462

Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

A new day today: After the last few days of ultimatum from my wife I am having bad thoughts again. I have not been successful at convincing her that I am me. I don't intend to change my insides (like personality) or to do something drastic physically before I am "ready". This is not an overnight thing. Yesterday him and today her is not my intent. I have always been her but I portrayed as him. I don't want the portrayal to be without thought or purpose. As I don't have an ally that I have come out to I am writing to get this off my chest. It is time to evaluate options. Not a fun time at all. My wife was my best friend and it feels like I lost her. I understand fully the hurt she went through. It has been around a year and she has not overcome the hurt. I'm wrangling with how long we need to go before I move on. Feelings of being conceited and "all about Leigh" are hard to deal with.

Apt with therapist this afternoon. Need to be positive!!!

MsLeigh

Well some bad days are followed by good days.  I told my first family member that I was female.  She was welcoming and supportive.  She told her husband and he gave me full support too. They invited me to visit and stay with them for a few days because they love me and want to hear more of my story. Great start and things will get better. Thanks to this sites members who gave me strength.

Big hugs,
Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on November 05, 2024, 07:31:01 AMA new day today: After the last few days of ultimatum from my wife I am having bad thoughts again. I have not been successful at convincing her that I am me. I don't intend to change my insides (like personality) or to do something drastic physically before I am "ready". This is not an overnight thing. Yesterday him and today her is not my intent. I have always been her but I portrayed as him. I don't want the portrayal to be without thought or purpose. As I don't have an ally that I have come out to I am writing to get this off my chest. It is time to evaluate options. Not a fun time at all. My wife was my best friend and it feels like I lost her. I understand fully the hurt she went through. It has been around a year and she has not overcome the hurt. I'm wrangling with how long we need to go before I move on. Feelings of being conceited and "all about Leigh" are hard to deal with.

Apt with therapist this afternoon. Need to be positive!!!

MsLeigh

Don't be discouraged, okay? It's not your job to convince someone of something, or explain something to someone to the degree they fundamentally understand it. Only they can do that, honey. If they do, they do, if they don't they don't. All you can do is present the truth. How you feel, why you feel, and what you feel.

As Morpheus said in "The Matrix": "I can only show you the door. You are the one who must walk through it."

Some people walk, some don't. And you have to accept that. With no blame, no hurt, no anger. Be honest with someone, give them all the information you can... but you have to leave it up to them to decide how to deal with it. You have to deal with their decision. The thing is, honey, you have to let people be them as much as they have to let you be you. If they can come to terms with this, and work out how to move forward then great. Fantastic! But if they can't, then you have to let them follow that path also. Because as much as you matter to you, they matter to them. The most important thing is communication, and trying to understand why someone feels the way they do, without trying to get them to feel something different just because you don't like it. This goes for your wife as much as you.

*hugs*

You do have allies, honey. <3

Quote from: Sephirah on November 08, 2024, 04:30:35 PMBecause as much as you matter to you, they matter to them.

Sephirah,

I was glad to see your note. It was uplifting. I am trying so hard to be understanding. I find myself always giving in to the other persons opinions. Words are words but it hurts to be told I am being unreasonable to believe I am female. "Just look at yourself, you are a male, act like it!" Then stopping my progress and going back to the old manly ways is difficult. There is nothing wrong with manly ways for men but I am finding it more and more uncomfortable to live that way. Too much roller coaster.

Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on November 08, 2024, 07:25:46 PMSephirah,

I was glad to see your note. It was uplifting. I am trying so hard to be understanding. I find myself always giving in to the other persons opinions. Words are words but it hurts to be told I am being unreasonable to believe I am female. "Just look at yourself, you are a male, act like it!" Then stopping my progress and going back to the old manly ways is difficult. There is nothing wrong with manly ways for men but I am finding it more and more uncomfortable to live that way. Too much roller coaster.

Leigh

Leigh, remember what I said in your intro. Criticism says more about the critic. People feel the way they do not because you feel the way you do about you, but because they feel the way they do about them. You have to keep this in mind, okay?

People want you to "act like it" because if you don't, that threatens someone else's way of being. That's literally all it is. Spouses most of all. They thought they were marrying the image they had of you. And you can't blame them for that, you can't blame them for being upset. Someone who is not dealing with gender issues should not be expected to have to deal with it. Some do, most don't. But either way, it's not your fault, okay.

You can only be honest with them, and if they can't accept it, then you have to accept that. What you don't have to accept is someone trying to make you be someone you're not, through guilt or anything else. Just to make you into who they want you to be. That's not how this works, okay?

I do remember your other post and I read it again. Thank you. I agree with you and your advice. My struggle is my personality was formed around satisfying others. It was a SEVERE abusive childhood. I did not start to shake it until I was 50. Kind of embarrassing.

Leigh

No reason to be embarrassed. I am currently in therapy for PTSD due to an assault that happened in the mid-70s. Very often, the way that we cope with trauma is to stuff it away in a locked box in the back of a messy closet and forget about it.

As we get older, we are certain that we have moved on, but other life experiences remind us of what we locked away. Then slowly, things start creeping out of the box.

Originally, we (my doctors and psychologist) thought that my issues were related to my transition. Things did not improve because I was not dealing with the cause. But we didn't know what that cause was. My lab tests showed low hormone and vitamin levels, so we thought that was the issue. We fixed that, yet the symptoms continued.

It wasn't until I was speaking with my neighbor who was raped in the military that I began to wonder about the things I had locked away decades ago. I spoke to my psychologist about it and she did some PTSD screening tests. The tests are scored from 0 - 80 and I hit 66. So we changed gears and shifted my focus in that direction. I am 67 and just now dealing with two rapes that happened over 50 years ago.

I learned that "shaking it" is not the same as dealing with it. Learning is a lifelong experience and I have no doubts that I will still learn something new about myself when I am 70.

The important thing is that you understand how events shaped your behavior for good or bad. There is nothing wrong with considering the happiness of others. You just cannot do it at your own expense.

You must come first. Everyone else comes second because they need to realize that they need to look after themselves first, and you come second. If that makes sense.

Quote from: MsLeigh on November 08, 2024, 09:02:56 PMI do remember your other post and I read it again. Thank you. I agree with you and your advice. My struggle is my personality was formed around satisfying others. It was a SEVERE abusive childhood. I did not start to shake it until I was 50. Kind of embarrassing.

Leigh

It's not embarrassing at all, sweetie. And realising this is something you can work on dealing with. A good many people never realise the cause of the issues they face. Probably because they don't want to. It's something you can get over, and realise your own self-worth, okay? It's okay to be you. And satisfy yourself. My hope is that your journey will allow you to see that. *hugs* I think you've come a long way already. More than you probably thought you could. That's a testament to who you are.

Keep going! I am proud of you. <3

Quote from: Sephirah on November 08, 2024, 11:02:58 PMI think you've come a long way already. More than you probably thought you could. That's a testament to who you are.

Keep going! I am proud of you. <3

Sephirah and Lori

Been doing some self reflecting after your encouragement. I  am coming along...I think.

As a child, I learned from abusive parents that I needed to be what they wanted. They admitted when I was older "We had kids to do work". I spent my life working to achieve approval. This included parents, employers, spouse, and anyone I felt was in a leader position.  My wife does not approve of my decision to be myself. She wants me to be male. So I  give in and stop my progress.  I cannot stop and I will be my true self.  Here is a new thought...: I find myself working on hair removal, walking, posture, sitting,..I want to present myself as female to reflect what I feel inside. I think I want my appearance to "pass" because I want recognized or "approved" as female. 

I understand societies norms for appearance.  My goals are not to be a barbie. I just want to feel myself. I  like chrome on my truck and not a blacked out look. I know chrome does not get you home but I LIKE IT. If I want pierced ears,  flare leg jeans, sparkles on a top, and lipstick then that is what I will do. Not to get attention but so I feel good and like myself. I need to stop looking for approval from others or even society norms.

Thank you for letting me ramble,
Many hugs,
Leigh

Sounds like you got this figured out. You have a healthy attitude.
It isn't about society or family or friends' opinions.
The only opinion that matters is yours, because it is your life and no one can live it for you.

Exactly ,that's what I do. Work on my hot rod, wear what I like and just get on with life.

Quote from: MsLeigh on November 09, 2024, 08:09:26 PMSephirah and Lori

Been doing some self reflecting after your encouragement. I  am coming along...I think.

As a child, I learned from abusive parents that I needed to be what they wanted. They admitted when I was older "We had kids to do work". I spent my life working to achieve approval. This included parents, employers, spouse, and anyone I felt was in a leader position.  My wife does not approve of my decision to be myself. She wants me to be male. So I  give in and stop my progress.  I cannot stop and I will be my true self.  

Wow, sounds like we had the same parents. I still feel driven to work harder to find approval, even though both of my parents have passed. We must remind ourselves just how important we are and not feel guilt from anyone. Its ok to be happy!

Quote from: Gina P on November 10, 2024, 12:05:02 PMIts ok to be happy!

Gina,

Thanks for the note it means a lot. Gives me sanity to hold on to.

Not sure who are believers or not, anyone who has a free second, please breathe a prayer for me.

Thanks,
Hugs,
Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on November 10, 2024, 02:24:29 PMNot sure who are believers or not, anyone who has a free second, please breathe a prayer for me.

You got it.

Some of the same struggles keep coming up.  Wife and her family are in full opposition to my gender. My ally list is still at zero.  I have to think.

Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on November 11, 2024, 04:50:34 PMSome of the same struggles keep coming up.  Wife and her family are in full opposition to my gender. My ally list is still at zero.  I have to think.

Leigh

Your allies list is never zero. We might not be local, but you still have us.

Hugs!

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 11, 2024, 04:59:42 PMYour allies list is never zero. We might not be local, but you still have us.

Hugs!

Thanks for the correction . I don't have local family supporting me. But yes, I have met many wonderful supportive friends like yourself that I do appreciate so much. Every day I look forward to pull up posts and read what they are up to as well as constructive words to me.

Many hugs,
Leigh