Speaking at symposium I am often asked what is my greatest change. For me the answer is easy it's the mental change from a brain that feeds on Testerone to one that feeds off Estrogen.  I was an Alpha male, very successful in business, sports and had 4 beautiful wives and 4 children. I was a playboy and sex maniac with exceptionally high Testerone. I was arrogant, agressive and generally a rich powerful ->-bleeped-<- man that rationalized my terrible behavior. Much like all rich powerful men. There was no peace in my life, and had very little empathy.

Today, 15 years on hrt, I am at peace, and devote my life to helping others thru my foundation. I have great empathy which initially caused me to have strong guilt feeling from my actions as a male. Today I'm at peace, a bhuddist, living each day to the  fullest, have wonderful friends. I have accepted that I will never be a female, maybe I transitioned too late, but am a proud tg female.

Quote from: warlockmaker on November 22, 2024, 02:59:10 AMI have accepted that I will never be a female, maybe I transitioned too late, but am a proud tg female.

Do you mind if I ask, honey, what's the difference? What is it about being female that you don't accept? I find this a little confusing, honestly. To me, being female isn't something you do, like a template you have to fit, it's just who you are. And... being transgender doesn't make it an "either/or" kind of thing. It's an "and" kind of thing.

Have you read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. There are certain behaviors of men and women driven by Testerone or Estrogen. Then there is the male bonding with is very different from females.

I believe if you transition in puberty or at a young age this may
be different. This brings other issues including the human desire to reproduce and a TG female can
never experience this very important experience.

I behave as a female,look 100%
female, my female friends all
accept me,  yet I know I am not
a real female. This is how I feel, others may be able to succeed but I have yet to meet one. Maybe because the ones that succeed blend in so
well. I hope that many can achieve this.

I have presented to groups about my journey, and I am asked that question, 'What has been the greatest difference', but I have an alternate response. I tell them I have always been me, always had a strong feminine side, so I haven't really changed. The main difference for me is living without dysphoria affecting my life. Not just the mounting frustration and stress, but the constant underlying distraction which prevented me from enjoying things fully. You see, I didn't transition to be female, but to rid myself of dysphoria.

Like Warlockmaker, I will never see myself as female, but gender diverse. I have spent almost seven decades analysing myself and what was happening to me, and in this process I studied women. I realised that we are a product of our development, and I travelled a different path to females. I didn't have the same social and biological expectations imposed on me. I didn't grow up relating to women and men the same way. I have many female friends, and we share intimate things about each other, but I sense there is a limit to this because I didn't grow up knowing half the world is stronger than me, I can't relate to the monthly cycles, and I just didn't have that social conditioning so important to forming who we are.

Now I know this can be unsettling for some reading this, as they did transition to become female, and they are on the way or have fully achieved this. This is your reality, and I respect that, and hope you can respect my reality. In the end we just need to achieve peace with ourselves.

Hugs,

Allie

Much the same as Allie I have always been female in my actions, yes working in a garage environment you take on maleness but then at my last work place we had some female apprentices and I noticed the same thing. Now I am just me, my over weight clunky frame not helping me to pass all the time but mostly I do pass. 

Hi Everyone

I never expressed my gender before I changed my life around, as far as I can recall, yet there in the background of my mind at different times I just wanted to associate with girls, play with them and wear girl clothes.  Still I knew instinctively not to mention any of this.  I don't know why, maybe it was self preservation, instinct to protect myself or even that I was just a private, quite and shy person by nature, which served me well.

Things really started to changed after I read an article on 'transsexuals' in a playboy magazine.  It described ways to conceal one's identity and naturally I adopted some of those methods to a certain extent, nothing extreme, but enough to blend in.  Interestingly, many of the activities discussed were being done by females although not widely.

Eventually, my longing to be a female was growing stronger and stronger.  Finally, I changed my life around in Feb 1989 at the age of 30 (I was young then).  I left my family (who, not long after, found out and still love me unconditionally), my friends and my life behind.  In Feb 1991 I underwent surgery.

After surgery, I continued to live my life, boyfriends, university and swimming.  What is strange, I still never explicitly expressed my gender, even though I was living as a female and ticking the corresponding boxes on forms.  It was not until I came across Susan's Place in 2010 that I truly understood: I was a female and I always had been.

Which brings me to the point, I have always been me, I never changed my personality, which is of course female.  All my friends and family (I asked) see me as female.  My friends do not know my medical history and I will never tell them. Only a couple of doctors know.  I never tell anyone, even doctors and even then, I will think twice about telling them.

This is how I feel I'm a female through and through.  Yes I understand my physical body was not born female and I accept that unconditionally, nature or whatever stuffed up.  If I could change it, I would in a heart beat.  Thinking about what I once had makes me feel nauseous.  It must be said, before I changed my life around, I had no dysphoria, none whatsoever.

I live as any other women in the suburbs.  I'm just a part of society and that's the way I like it.  I plan to keep it this way for the rest of my life.

My past is who I am today, so yes I blend in, because I'm just being me, a female.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

Estrogen does seem to have impacted me more than physical changes.
Unsure if I think much differently but my emotions seem more pronounced at times than before taking the E.  I like things like bracelets, female hair, and female clothes but I suppose cross dressers like those too and they do not take E.  I enjoy talking with women when accepted as a woman, this goes beyond enjoying talking with any woman or man, that also may not have anything to do with estrogen.  This is likely because I am a woman.

Is estrogen helping me transform into a woman in many ways?  Hard to say.  I am sure it helps me in that regard but just being a good person before helps you be a good person after estrogen starts.

Chrissy

The biggest change for me is that I no longer have to pretend to be male.  The effort to pass as male for most my life was draining.  It felt like I was acting in a stage play without having had a chance to read the script.

I accept everyone's right to perceive themselves as they do.  Unlike some of the other respondents, I do consider myself to be female.  In fact, I have never not been female.  I hid the fact for many years because I thought hiding it was required.  So, for me, the biggest change is that I no longer hide it.

Of course there are many "typical female" experiences that I can never have.  There are many things that cis women are taught that I will have to figure out for myself, and many things that men are taught that I have to unlearn.  But that doesn't alter who I am and have always been.

Quote from: KathyLauren on November 23, 2024, 08:32:49 AMThere are many things that cis women are taught that I will have to figure out for myself, and many things that men are taught that I have to unlearn.  But that doesn't alter who I am and have always been.

This is so true.

When I was a kid growing up, I just did things my way. It wasn't that I was taught to act feminine, as I grew up with three brothers, so we were all treated as boys. But doing things the way that just felt natural to me. That got me beat up a lot. I had to study how the boys behaved and mimic that behavior. In the Story of Lori, I explain how that became a life-long process to be the manly man.

Now, coming up on five years into transition, I find that I still have to unlearn some of those habits, but instead of learning new behaviors, I can relax and just go back to the way I did things when I was a kid. So I can act and feel more natural, but unlearning any habit is not easy.

The biggest change is not having to hide who I am. This has had profound effects on my personality. The estrogen calms my brain as well. Adopting female mannerisms has been a challenge. Growing up I was taught how boys sit, talk, walk, and act. Mother was always correcting me. Had I been left alone, i would have had many more feminine mannerisms. So much I missed out on trying to please her and pretending to be a macho male.
.

Quote from: Gina P on November 23, 2024, 11:50:09 AMThe biggest change is not having to hide who I am. This has had profound effects on my personality. The estrogen calms my brain as well. Adopting female mannerisms has been a challenge. Growing up I was taught how boys sit, talk, walk, and act. Mother was always correcting me. Had I been left alone, i would have had many more feminine mannerisms. So much I missed out on trying to please her and pretending to be a macho male.
.

So true Gina.

Chrissy

We all seem to have adjusted to our rebirth. I'm so happy to hear that some have blended so well.

I thought I may receive replies of misery and despair. We are blessed to live 2 lives in one lifetime.

@warlockmaker
Dear Bobbie:
Very well stated.  I could not have said it better.
Thank you for sharing and posting.
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: warlockmaker on November 24, 2024, 05:38:59 AMWe all seem to have adjusted to our rebirth. I'm so happy to hear that some have blended so well.

I thought I may receive replies of misery and despair. We are blessed to live 2 lives in one lifetime.

I honestly dont think E changed me, it just brought the true me to the surface. I was always female deep down.

As a child, my mother used to help out making dresses.. for girls around the ages for 5 to about 7/8 years old, and since I was that age at the time and she never had a daughter, I was used for sizing.. so I was "forced" to try on the dresses so my mother could measure and gauge sizing etc.. I would moan about it, but deep down I loved it.. My father hated it as he said, you will ruin the boy.. As I got older, i could not help with this as I was then too old.. and this girl inside me went quiet, she awake again I was maybe 12/13 and I was at a family friends function, and it was hot and I was forced to wear a suit.. and there was this girl she was around 14/15 and she was wearing this lovely strapless dress and I so wanted to wear it and for the first time I really wished i was a girl. The girl inside never went away after that as these feeling eventually lead me to experiment wearing girls clothes. The rest is history

I was told, E brings on physically and mental changes.. and I found this is very true I think.

Yes, I do think like a woman, but then I was never an alpha male, I was a very closed off shy male.. since starting on hormones I became more outgoing and confident, was this E or was it the real female me coming out of her shell.

I am a very girly girl, I love makeup, nail polish, cute earrings, wearing pretty dresses/skirts, wearing high heels and i Love shopping etc... I love making myself pretty..  Was this E changing me, as a male I never really cared how i looked.

Now that I am a married woman, my husband and I have adopted 3 (2 girls and a boy) beautiful children, I love been a mother and find it very rewarding.

I think, I was always a woman and I needed the E to get her out and in front.. I am post-op many years ago.. I don't see myself trans anymore.. I am just a woman, a mother and a wife and I am very happy. The only hick-up I really wish I could birth a child with my husband.

That's a wonderful change in your life. I'm so glad for you.

Quote from: warlockmaker on November 23, 2024, 02:01:14 AMHave you read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. There are certain behaviors of men and women driven by Testerone or Estrogen. Then there is the male bonding with is very different from females.

I believe if you transition in puberty or at a young age this may
be different. This brings other issues including the human desire to reproduce and a TG female can
never experience this very important experience.
 
I behave as a female,look 100%
female, my female friends all
accept me,  yet I know I am not
a real female. This is how I feel, others may be able to succeed but I have yet to meet one. Maybe because the ones that succeed blend in so
well. I hope that many can achieve this.

I love your posts Bobbie but I cannot agree with your viewpoint on this with regards to others. Perhaps for yourself but you are still falling into a very binary way of thinking. Not only sex but also gender are nowhere near as black or white as you think.

It's also very looks driven if you don't mind me saying. You once told me face to face that you did not believe anyone who is tall can transition gender from male to female!

There are so many shades of sex and gender on physical, mental, emotional, hormonal levels. I could give you myriad of examples of 'females' who are massively more male than 'males' and vice-versa.

I'm glad you are at peace with yourself though and it works for you.

xx

Quote from: Tills on January 10, 2025, 01:12:15 AMI love your posts Bobbie but I cannot agree with your viewpoint on this with regards to others. Perhaps for yourself but you are still falling into a very binary way of thinking. Not only sex but also gender are nowhere near as black or white as you think.

I have to agree with Tills. When I was in school attending college for Hypnotherapy we learned about personality types. It was similar to what was presented long ago in that book. The two types were labeled as "Emotional" and "Physical". Don't get caught up in the labels, they are just a way of differentiating the two types.

But both men and women fall into these categories. The stereotype is that women are the "Emotionals" while men are typically the "Physicals". However, there are emotional men and physical women, just like there are feminine men and masculine women. It has to do with the way our brains are wired, which is a combination of hormones and past experiences. This leads to behaviors that could be interpreted as being the behaviors of the opposite gender. We used that in hypnotherapy because the two types respond to various therapies differently. What works for one type does not usually work well for those of the other type.

Although this may sound equally "binary", those are the extreme ends of the spectrum. Like gender, there are an infinite number of points between the extremes where most people exist. Thinking that you are not "a real woman" just because you were not born with a uterus is false thinking. Cis-women who have had to undergo a double mastectomy often question if they are still "real women" after losing their breasts. Your body does not determine your gender. Your mind knows the truth. The difficult part that we struggle with is accepting what our mind tells us despite what our body looks like.

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 23, 2024, 10:04:29 AMI had to study how the boys behaved and mimic that behavior.

Me too, Lori. I was lucky to be able to befriend girls as a child and be befriended in return. So, I didn't have to mimic boys until it became unsafe to side with the girls and that mimicking didn't last long, as I retreated to  nature and books, as I preferred being alone to mimicking boys. Even in my teens, I functioned as female, being the babysitter of choice for many families. I also loved to bake.

As an adult, I continued in childcare and transitioned through my twenties. Today, I have many female friends, so not that much has changed. FWIW, my love of nature never ended and I wish more women had been exposed to the woods so that they too would love trees throughout their lives.

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 10, 2025, 10:39:35 AMYour body does not determine your gender. Your mind knows the truth. The difficult part that we struggle with is accepting what our mind tells us despite what our body looks like.

I believe this is where most critics go wrong. Becoming aware of this, thanks to the people here at Susan's, this realization  has set me free, breaking the physical constraints on my gender identity.

Some people say that you cannot be a woman just because you think you are a woman.

While one may not have been born with what appears to be a female body, that does not mean you cannot believe you are a woman, live as a woman, and be a woman through your behaviors, appearance, social interactions, and relationships.  You can add emotions and perhaps ways of thinking to that too.

That is harder to understand if one does not wish to understand than if you want to understand transgender people.