Hey all, if you haven't guessed from the login, my name is Ryan.
I thought I'd come here and pose some of my problems/questions.
Firstly, I was wondering if there were other TS communities out there on the web, for younger people especially. This was the only one I could find.
I'm really confused. I'm 20 years old, as far as the record goes. It's hard to order this in the right manner. There are times when I'm unhappy with my body. At first, I would describe it as wishing I were female. On further reflection it's not even that.
It's confusing to me, because I didn't ever stop at night, and think to myself, "Gee, why don't I have breasts? Or curves in the right places?"
The only real thing I could brand as signs of a problem as a child, was my issue with courtseying or however that word is spelled. I had a bad habit of doing it on accident whenever I was supposed to bow for a play, and would get totally embarrassed.
I didn't start thinking, hey, maybe I should fix my body. Until I turned 16. Why would it start then? I don't feel compelled to try on women's clothing, and don't get aroused by doing it. So why would it manifest itself after puberty began?
After I turned 16, I started taking hormones I got off internet pharmacies, but every time I went longer than a month, I'd get scared and throw them all away. I was terrified of what would happen if things didn't work. Being a guy might be unpleasant, but being stuck somewhere in between would be even worse for me. This cost quite a bit of money after awhile.
So I decided to just stay male, but now I'm thinking, isn't that a cowardly thing to do? If I die and this is it, then I wasted a chance, if I die and there is an after life, then this life doesn't matter anyways. So now I'm thinking, maybe I should try my best, and if it doesn't work out, then oh well.
Now this causes some new issues, first, who I am around my family is not who I am when I dwell on these things at night, while I sleep, or go for a walk. I cannot do this as long as I am with my family, I just can't. But I have no money, for hormones or otherwise. I also cannot find a free clinic or anything like that in San Diego. I am unemployed, and all that fun stuff.
My family is very evangelical, I never speak to my father, and don't care much for him anyways. I've asked my mom what she would do if I did decide to do it (Hypothetically) She replied that she would never accept me as a girl, and a few other things on the matter. She already gets upset when I am happy that my hands are actually smaller than hers, my brothers, and my one half sister.
Whenever I get a job, I can't help but day dream, I think to myself, "What's the point of all this work? I don't have time for anything else, and all it does is make me miserable, I do it just to live, and I live just to do the work," I've seriously reached the point where I contemplate trying to get to San Fransisco just to get access to a free clinic, even if it meant being homeless. I'd find someway to survive, and if I didn't. At least I died trying to accomplish something that would improve my life, instead of working in a shop just because I was too afraid to do anything else.
Thanks for reading this, I'm sure it's drenched with emo taint. But I assume you'll forgive me.
