Hey all! I haven't been around here in a while because things have been going mostly well. However, I am about to start school in person in a red state, and I gave them my real identity as well as my legal stuff. I do not yet have my name/gender marker changed because of money issues. So, none of the staff/advisors I have spoken with have treated me any differently than I'd like, using my preferred name/pronouns, etc. But I'm really worried. I have been going out presenting as a woman, and, being in a red state, I have had my share of hate. I am pretty comfortable going to the store or something where I am not in front of the same eyes for a long time. I am 6'4, very large framed, which doesn't bother me as much anymore, but its my weight. I have already lost 40 pounds since I came out, but I have a LONG way to go. I carry all of my weight in my stomach.

I'm worried about bigots and such that I may be stuck in a class with. I really don't want this to ruin my experience, because I finally know what I want to do and I'm dedicated to becoming a nurse.

Also, like, I have to do SOOO much to even pass as androgenous. If I don't shave every day, I have like viking beard, so my face is getting horribly cut up and razor burnt, visibly. Because I'm still big, I do not have access to a lot of women's clothing. Bottoms/skirts/leggings, etc are no big deal, I wear them now, but because my tummy is so big, it hangs down past my waist. My torso is much longer than my legs, so even plus size women's shirts tend to fit me around, but come to about my belly button. I have my nails and jewelry always, but my hair is currently really short because it takes forever to grow out, and I wear a dysphoria beanie. I'm not sure if it makes me look more or less "manly." And, the more weight I lose, the more "manly" my face looks. And my voice. Probably the worst dysphoria for me. It's so low. It's so low that sometimes the rumbling causes tinnitus. To sound even remotely feminine, I have to pitch my voice in such a way that it becomes very tiring, very quickly.

I'm just really starting to get super nervous about going to school as myself because this is such a huge step in social transitioning. I don't know what to do.

Hello Caiwen,

I am proud of you for wanting to become a nurse. It takes a special kind of person to care for others, and nursing staff are always in short supply.

I, too, live in a red state. South Dakota ranks the lowest when it comes to safety for the LGBTQ community. However, I have found that most people are either accepting or keep their opinions to themselves. Most of the bigotry comes from fanatics and the government itself.

I have known several big women who were tall and/or heavy. I have known women with deeper voices than mine. Don't be too critical of yourself. Work on what you can and focus on your schooling. Your appearance does not need to be perfect. It is nobody's business what you wear or why. If someone has a problem with your appearance, it is their problem, not yours. Tell them to get over it.

Those who will be in class with you are not likely to be bigots. It wasn't that long ago when nursing was a "women's profession". Most bigots view themselves as alpha-male macho men, who care about behaving as such. That is rare in the nursing profession because nursing involves caring for others.

These people will not know anything about you except what you allow them to know. Show them your soft caring nature. In a confrontation, you are not obligated to admit anything. What I have had success with when someone makes a crude remark is to ask them if they are hitting on me. That shifts the focus from questioning your sexuality to questioning theirs. It usually shuts them up.

Seek out an ally in the faculty. If things get rough, let them know what is happening and perhaps they can step in for you and put a stop to it. Discrimination is discrimination no matter what. If a student thinks they could be expelled, they may think twice before risking their career.

I wish you all the best. Go easy on yourself.

Quote from: Caiwen on December 31, 2024, 09:15:43 AMI'm worried about bigots and such that I may be stuck in a class with. I really don't want this to ruin my experience, because I finally know what I want to do and I'm dedicated to becoming a nurse.

What you do is you hold on to this, Caiwen. If anyone starts being a... I'm risking the profanity filter but... a douchecanoe with you, what you do is focus on the end goal and what it's all for. And accept that most likely they will end up flipping burgers or pumping gas because hatred consumes people. You ignore them. Don't rise to the bait. Focus on why you're there, what your end goals are, and keep hold of the knowledge that 10 years from now, anyone who is juvenile with you won't even figure in your life other than someone to chuckle at when you order a big mac.

Like Lori said, I am proud of you for this. It takes a certain someone with a certain mindset to want to do this line of work. You can do it. You can excel at it. I believe in you.

Hi Caiwen

I can feel how much thought and effort you've already put into preparing for school.

You said:

Quote from: Caiwen on December 31, 2024, 09:15:43 AMI am about to start school in person in a red state, and I gave them my real identity as well as my legal stuff. I do not yet have my name/gender marker changed because of money issues.

First, I want to acknowledge how brave you are for moving forward even with these challenges. I changed all my information right away when I changed my life around, and it caused me no trouble. Changing your documents when you can will make things much easier and provide peace of mind. I hope you'll be able to resolve the money issues soon and update your records when possible. It's great to hear that staff and advisors have already treated you respectfully, using your preferred name and pronouns.

You also mentioned:

Quote from: Caiwen on December 31, 2024, 09:15:43 AMI'm really worried. I have been going out presenting as a woman, and, being in a red state, I have had my share of hate.

This is understandable, but remember that your education is the most important focus right now. Nursing is in high demand, and earning your degree will give you the financial stability you need to handle these challenges. Education provides opportunities as I well know.  I used my drafting certificate and skills in that area to earn a living when I changed my life around.  You are already taking the necessary steps to build a secure future.

You also said:

Quote from: Caiwen on December 31, 2024, 09:15:43 AMI have already lost 40 pounds since I came out, but I have a LONG way to go. I carry all of my weight in my stomach.

First, congratulations on losing 40 pounds! That's an amazing accomplishment. Weight loss takes time, so be patient with yourself.

You also said:

Quote from: Caiwen on December 31, 2024, 09:15:43 AMI have to do SOOO much to even pass as androgynous. If I don't shave every day, I have like viking beard, so my face is getting horribly cut up and razor burnt.

For facial hair, waxing can help reduce daily shaving and irritation. Waxing keeps hair away for about a week. On weekends, look into IPL laser treatments or electrolysis if you can manage it financially. These methods provide longer-term solutions and can help reduce hair growth over time.  For me waxing and electrolysis was the way to go and stood me in good stead.

You also said:

Quote from: Caiwen on December 31, 2024, 09:15:43 AMMy torso is much longer than my legs, so even plus size women's shirts tend to fit me around, but come to about my belly button. I have my nails and jewelry always, but my hair is currently really short because it takes forever to grow out, and I wear a dysphoria beanie. I'm not sure if it makes me look more or less "manly."

Dress comfortably while attending class and wear the clothes that make you feel comfortable in class, only you know what looks good.  In addition find a nice feminine or androgynous beanie and let your hair grow under a beanie until it's long enough to style.

You also said:

Quote from: Caiwen on December 31, 2024, 09:15:43 AMAnd my voice. Probably the worst dysphoria for me. It's so low. It's so low that sometimes the rumbling causes tinnitus.

I understand how hard voice dysphoria can be. Setting aside time in the evenings, before or after homework, to practice voice training as this can make a big difference.  Singing and copy female singers was my go to, in this area. Breaking it into small, manageable sessions can help build endurance and reduce the strain you're feeling now. Progress may feel slow, but consistency pays off. YouTube is your friend in this area as well as learning to do your makeup.

You also said:

Quote from: Caiwen on December 31, 2024, 09:15:43 AMI'm worried about bigots and such that I may be stuck in a class with.

This is a valid concern, and it's important to stay prepared. While attending classes, focus on your goals and stay confident in your journey. If any classmates cause trouble or act inappropriately, do not hesitate to report them to maintain a safe and respectful learning environment. Many schools have anti-discrimination policies in place to protect students, so use those resources if needed.

Finally, you said:

Quote from: Caiwen on December 31, 2024, 09:15:43 AMI'm just really starting to get super nervous about going to school as myself because this is such a huge step in social transitioning. I don't know what to do.

Focus on school as your number one priority, this will provide you with financial stability and growth in your nursing career.  Take your hormones if you have already started them if not, then start them as soon as you can to soften your features and prevent further damage to your body over time. While attending classes, wear clothes that make you feel comfortable and confident so you can stay focused on your goals.  Remember report any harassment immediately and rely on anti-discrimination policies for protection while you attend classes.

You've already come so far, and you're proving your strength every day. Be patient with yourself, focus on your goals, and trust that each step you take is getting you closer to the future you deserve. You've got this!

Take care and I wish you all the best for the future.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Caiwen