Navigating the Fluidity of My Identity: A Journey of Becoming

I've often found myself reflecting on the complexities of identity, the fluidity, the intersectionality, and how each layer of my experience shapes who I am. As I continue on my journey, both physically and spiritually, I find myself in a constant state of discovery. I am a trans woman, yes, but I am also genderfluid, and my journey involves embracing both sides of my gender identity: the woman I am becoming, the man I once was, and everything in between.

For so long, I tried to fit myself into a box, pushing away parts of me that didn't align with the 'standard' definitions of what it meant to be a woman, or what it meant to be a man. But I now realize that my identity is not meant to fit into a neat and tidy label. It's an ongoing, evolving process of self-expression, and it's deeply personal.

Being a genderfluid person means I don't experience my gender in a linear or static way. There are times when I feel deeply connected to my womanhood, a part of me that has always been there, waiting to emerge and be seen. Other times, I feel more connected to my male side, a reflection of the experiences I carry with me from before my transition. Both parts are valid. Both parts are me.

Living as a trans woman has been transformative, both in how I see myself and how I interact with the world. But the beauty of being genderfluid is that I don't have to choose one version of myself over the other. I can honor all of the facets of my identity, from my past to my present to the person I am becoming. It's not about erasing parts of myself, but about embracing the full spectrum of who I am.

In many ways, my transition is not just about outward changes, it's about healing, aligning my soul with my body, and finding peace within the fluidity of my gender. It's an act of self-affirmation, of understanding that I am worthy of living authentically, no matter how that expression may evolve over time.

Through this journey, I've also come to understand the importance of self-compassion. It's okay to be uncertain. It's okay to have moments of doubt. What matters is that I continue to show up for myself, with love and patience, as I learn to navigate this beautiful, complex journey of self-discovery.

I am grateful for every part of this journey, the challenges, the growth, the moments of clarity and the moments of uncertainty. All of it is part of the story of who I am becoming, and it's a story that I am honored to share with you.

With love,

Lilis

The Duality of My Identity: A Journey of Mind, Soul, and Spirit

Imagine two twins, conceived not in the womb, but in the mind, soul, and spirit. They are connected by something deeper, an immaterial bond that transcends physical existence. These twins are both identical in their shared essence, yet uniquely different in how they express themselves. One might be more dominant at times, while the other may quietly wait, ready to emerge when needed. They are both real, both part of the same whole, and yet they are separate in their own way.

This is how I think about my genderfluidity. The identities of the woman I am becoming and the man I once was are like those twins, intimately linked but distinct. They exist together in a shared space of my mind and soul, not in conflict but in harmony, taking turns to manifest, and sometimes blending together in ways I can't entirely explain.

Like twins in the womb, they were conceived together, each a reflection of different aspects of me, growing in parallel. But instead of the usual separation of identities seen in the physical world, these twins live within me, interconnected in a realm beyond the tangible. They are not opposites, but rather two sides of the same being, intertwined in a dance of discovery, exploration, and self-expression.

At times, I experience the intense presence of one twin, my feminine self coming to the forefront, strong and confident, embracing womanhood fully. At other times, the masculine twin steps forward, not as an anchor but as a part of me that I still carry, a part that reflects my past, my experiences, and the lessons I've learned.

Both are me. Both are valid. Both are worthy of being acknowledged and celebrated. And just as twins conceived in the womb would never be the same person, my genderfluidity is a unique and beautiful blending of these identities. Neither one is more authentic than the other; they are two sides of a whole, existing together in a way that only I can understand and experience.

The connection between these identities is not just physical or emotional, but spiritual and soulful, an immaterial bond that transcends the constraints of traditional gender roles. It's a bond that allows me to flow between the two aspects of myself, understanding that each is a reflection of who I truly am.

In embracing my genderfluidity, I am learning to honor both twins within me, and to understand that they both play a vital role in my journey. I am more than the labels society often tries to place on me. I am a living embodiment of the duality of self, navigating a path that is uniquely mine and full of love, acceptance, and the freedom to be whoever I need to be in any given moment.

With love,

Lilis

I love this! Well said, Lilis.

Lilis!

So many insightful thoughts beautifully expressed sister... you see clearly the unlimited and glorious potential that waits for all of us to simply choose it. 🌻

I have seen so many come here to this site over the many years that view their struggles with gender and self expression as a burden... a punishment... a horrible unwanted fate... it can easily be those things if we choose it to be that... but, if we choose... it can instead be an opportunity like no other to find and connect with all the beautiful things life holds for us all.. connection to ourselves, connection to others, connection to our purpose, connection to life, the world, nature and the God that placed us here, with intent, to have these experiences and learn from them as we find our way. 🌻

You are on your right and intended path sister... I know you can feel it and that you know it in your heart because nothing else has ever felt so right... we try many ways of moving through our life before we find the way that serves us and... with which our soul finds the resonance of proper alignment!🌻

Keep doing what you're doing girl... embrace the journey... embrace your life... embrace all that patiently awaits you and move forward with an adventurous spirit and hope always in your heart for there is so very much to be hopeful about... As you claim your life in glorious fashion, and share that experience here... others will see that such things CAN be done... that means they can do it too... they have only to choose it. 🌻


Onward Brave Sister,

Hugs, Love and Respect

Ashley 💕

"From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me."

Walt Whitman

Quote from: Lilis on January 03, 2025, 03:14:42 AMThe Duality of My Identity: A Journey of Mind, Soul, and Spirit

Imagine two twins, conceived not in the womb, but in the mind, soul, and spirit. They are connected by something deeper, an immaterial bond that transcends physical existence. These twins are both identical in their shared essence, yet uniquely different in how they express themselves. One might be more dominant at times, while the other may quietly wait, ready to emerge when needed. They are both real, both part of the same whole, and yet they are separate in their own way.

This is how I think about my genderfluidity. The identities of the woman I am becoming and the man I once was are like those twins, intimately linked but distinct. They exist together in a shared space of my mind and soul, not in conflict but in harmony, taking turns to manifest, and sometimes blending together in ways I can't entirely explain.

Like twins in the womb, they were conceived together, each a reflection of different aspects of me, growing in parallel. But instead of the usual separation of identities seen in the physical world, these twins live within me, interconnected in a realm beyond the tangible. They are not opposites, but rather two sides of the same being, intertwined in a dance of discovery, exploration, and self-expression.

At times, I experience the intense presence of one twin, my feminine self coming to the forefront, strong and confident, embracing womanhood fully. At other times, the masculine twin steps forward, not as an anchor but as a part of me that I still carry, a part that reflects my past, my experiences, and the lessons I've learned.

Both are me. Both are valid. Both are worthy of being acknowledged and celebrated. And just as twins conceived in the womb would never be the same person, my genderfluidity is a unique and beautiful blending of these identities. Neither one is more authentic than the other; they are two sides of a whole, existing together in a way that only I can understand and experience.

The connection between these identities is not just physical or emotional, but spiritual and soulful, an immaterial bond that transcends the constraints of traditional gender roles. It's a bond that allows me to flow between the two aspects of myself, understanding that each is a reflection of who I truly am.

In embracing my genderfluidity, I am learning to honor both twins within me, and to understand that they both play a vital role in my journey. I am more than the labels society often tries to place on me. I am a living embodiment of the duality of self, navigating a path that is uniquely mine and full of love, acceptance, and the freedom to be whoever I need to be in any given moment.

Untitled by Ashley, on Flickr

Onward...

A

Quote from: Lilis on December 31, 2024, 12:39:24 AMIt's Been a Ride

The past six months have been a whirlwind, so much has happened so quickly, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. It's like those Kodak moments you wish you'd captured but didn't press the camera button in time.

Today marked my second assessment with my provider, and I would like to share that things are looking good health-wise, including my hormone levels. After discussing my progress, my provider and I agreed to go full throttle into 2025 with a tripled estrogen dose.

She also brought up progesterone. While she typically recommends it to her patients at the one-year mark, she explained that its effectiveness for gender-affirming feminization isn't fully proven to be effective yet. She said We'll revisit the topic when the time comes, but I'm glad to know it's on the horizon.

Tomorrow, at 10:45 AM Eastern Time, I have my consultation for laser hair removal. My provider assured me that she'll collaborate with the dermatologist and provide all necessary documentation to my insurance company. If additional information is requested, the dermatologist performing the assessment will also assist. I feel so supported knowing this is considered medically necessary and part of my care.

I want to take a moment to express my gratitude to @ChrissyRyan, @Lori Dee, @Northern Star Girl, @Sarah B and everyone else who has been by my side from the very beginning of this journey. Your encouragement and contributions have been invaluable to me, and I credit so many of my wins to your support.

With love to all,

Lilis

Oh wow. Once the dosage gets past the initial trial levels to make sure you are not going to self destruct things start to happen. This must be really exciting and nervous time all at once.

Laser isn't bad but it won't get it all. You'll want to get it zapped until it's knocked down a bunch and then start hitting it with electrolysis.

Very interesting new posts by you Lilis and responses from other members, for sure.

I have been using just estrogen and Finasteride since starting medical HRT.
I have never used Progesterone except the over the counter creams.  They seemed to do nothing for breast growth but herbals and estrogenic foods did somewhat.  So I stopped those creams prior to starting medical HRT.

Then I learned the Progesterone was not necessarily good (or bad) for MTFs with their HRT regimen so to be safe, and having no recommendation by a physician to use it, I have not resumed use of the cream and I have no prescription for Progesterone. 

Maybe it works for some of us, and I think the Lori uses it.  I read somewhere that Progesterone may change estrogen to testosterone, and who wants much of that added to your body, as it makes some regardless?  Although this may just be a temporary chemical change to another chemical in the body I do not want any excess testosterone for sure.  If my physician ever recommends it I may try it and I will need to know why she recommends it for me, of course. 

To my way of thinking, the less medicines to use the better.  Just the ones needed.

I probably may not get much more breast development.  I am usually satisfied that I have developed into a B cup size.  Perky is good too!

Chrissy

I do use Progesterone three times a day. Oral not creams. Progesterone does not do anything with Testosterone. Both estrogen and progesterone are produced in the ovaries. Estrogen develops the infrastructure of the breast (ducts, nipple, and fat distribution). Progesterone develops the mammary glands within the breast. So estrogen makes the breast grow outward and progesterone makes them expand so they are more like melons and less like bananas.

Check out this article:
https://academic.oup.com/jcem/article/104/4/1181/5270376

Quote from: NatalieRene on January 12, 2025, 03:19:01 PMOh wow. Once the dosage gets past the initial trial levels to make sure you are not going to self destruct things start to happen. This must be really exciting and nervous time all at once.

No, I haven't self-destructed yet, but the added dosage is making me really hungry. I'm not sure if it's nerves or just a side effect of the HRT, honestly, it kind of feels like I'm pregnant or something.

Quote from: Lilis on January 12, 2025, 05:45:37 PMNo, I haven't self-destructed yet, but the added dosage is making me really hungry. I'm not sure if it's nerves or just a side effect of the HRT, honestly, it kind of feels like I'm pregnant or something.

After an initial dosage level for awhile, I have been staying at my increased constant level ever since.  I think my dosage might go down eventually as there may be an increased cancer risk over time which may be mitigated with a lower dose.  I do not want cancer of course.  My physicians will know about all of that much better than me.

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 12, 2025, 04:36:08 PMVery interesting new posts by you Lilis and responses from other members, for sure.

Thanks, Chrissy. I'm in good hands, lots of experienced voices are chiming in.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 12, 2025, 04:36:08 PMThen I learned the Progesterone was not necessarily good (or bad) for MTFs with their HRT regimen so to be safe, and having no recommendation by a physician to use it, I have not resumed use of the cream and I have no prescription for Progesterone.

Yes, this is exactly what my doctor briefly mentioned. She didn't go into detail but said we could discuss it again later on in my journey if I'm interested. Currently I am not taking it I am just doing some research on it and will decide later with I want to add it to GAHT.

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 12, 2025, 04:52:26 PMCheck out this article:
https://academic.oup.com/jcem/article/104/4/1181/5270376

Thanks Lori for this information.

Quote from: Lilis on January 12, 2025, 05:45:37 PMNo, I haven't self-destructed yet, but the added dosage is making me really hungry. I'm not sure if it's nerves or just a side effect of the HRT, honestly, it kind of feels like I'm pregnant or something.

It's called puberty.

Don't lose control though because it's easier to gain weight once the testosterone is diminished.

Quote from: NatalieRene on January 12, 2025, 06:43:26 PMIt's called puberty.

Lol, this made me jump out of my seat and almost spill my drink.   

Oh no, maybe my initial progress has been diminished.

Quote from: Lilis on January 12, 2025, 07:18:00 PMLol, this made me jump out of my seat and almost spill my drink.   

Oh no, maybe my initial progress has been diminished.

ROFLMAO

Thank you for the blog. I am reading and trying to keep up. I so much enjoy the posts and replies.  So much is new to me and I am sponging lots of good stuff.

Love and hugs,
Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on January 16, 2025, 08:42:12 PMThank you for the blog. I am reading and trying to keep up. I so much enjoy the posts and replies.  So much is new to me and I am sponging lots of good stuff.

You're welcome, and thanks for stopping by and reading. Yes, excellent replies from those that made all this possible for newbies like us.

Hi Leigh

You Said:

Quote from: MsLeigh on January 16, 2025, 08:42:12 PMThank you for the blog. I am reading and trying to keep up. I so much enjoy the posts and replies.  So much is new to me and I am sponging lots of good stuff.

Love and hugs,
Leigh

This is what Susan's is all about,  I came along in 2010 soaked up a lot of information and passed on what I knew.  You are passing on what you know to others by telling your story and journey.  So please continue doing what you are doing.

Lilis, pass on your knowledge as well, by telling your story and journey.

Take care one and all and all the best for the future

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@MsLeigh @Lilis

Where is Lilis right now, let's take a closer look:

Only I can see her and perceive her in the mirror, and when I feel connected to her through things like painted nails or physical sensations, doesn't mean I am "crazy."

My therapist agrees, and he said that these experiences can be deeply tied to my gender identity and how my brain affirms my sense of self. Suggesting, that this this is likely a reflection of gender euphoria or a strong internal alignment with my identity as a woman.

He continues, that gender euphoria can be a deeply validating and uplifting experience. It allows me to feel joy and connection when aspects of my body or presentation align with my true self. However, it can sometimes feel confusing or overwhelming, especially when the outside world doesn't always reflect or affirm what I feel internally.

He also said this, if these experiences are persistent or cause me significant distress, they might overlap with certain mental health conditions like body image dysmorphia or dissociation, which he ruled out, and that doesn't inherently mean something is wrong, and that my experiences is just part of processing my transition, emotions, and identity.

Enough of the medical and scientific stuff, let's look at the spiritual implication:

The spiritual implications of gender euphoria can be profound and deeply personal, as it often reflects a sense of alignment between my inner self and the divine, the universe, or my spiritual understanding of existence. Gender euphoria can also feel like a moment of spiritual alignment, where my true self is revealed and celebrated, mirroring the divine intention or purpose for my life.

For those who believe in a spiritual journey or calling, gender euphoria can affirm that you are walking the right path. It may feel like divine affirmation that you are honoring your truest self and fulfilling your spiritual purpose. Some interpret gender euphoria as a connection to something greater than oneself, such as the collective human experience or universal love. It can feel like a reminder of the divine spark within all beings and the beauty of diversity in creation.

For those who view the divine as multifaceted or beyond human constructs, gender euphoria might reflect the divine's fluid and expansive nature. It may be a reminder that the divine exists within you, as you embrace and embody your true self.

Bringing Lilis, into the world is not about perfection, it's about authenticity. The world may not always see her exactly as I do, but my belief in her is what matters most. Every time I honor her presence through her appearance, her voice, or her actions I make her visible.

I love this!