Hi All,

So I'm in need of some advice/encouragement here. I'm 41, known I was trans for over 20 years now, always wanted to be female as far back as I can remember. Anyway, I'm 100% in the closet to everyone I know, except my doctor.

For the last few years I've been taking stupid herbal supplements (more or less to feel like I'm doing something), and have been "underdressing" daily at work just to help curb the dysphoria just a bit. Early in December I literally wrote a 10 page letter to my doctor, basically coming out to her, with details dating back to child hood and how I felt growing up, that I want to transition, and asked her if she would help me with HRT....

Problem is... she called me because I missed a pre scheduled appointment )made prior to dropping off the letter), and wanted to talk. I couldn't talk at that moment so she asked me to come in the following week... I drove down there, sat in my vehicle wanting to go in, but scared ->-bleeped-<-less and felt super awkward at the thought of talking about myself with her... so... I ended up driving away... I've regretted it since, because she did sound supportive on the phone, and it seemed like she was going to help me start HRT...

Since then my dysphoria has been all over the map from manageable to down right "punch in the gut/ want to crawl in a cave, sleep and never come out".

I want to call and make an appointment to go see her later this week or next week and hopefully start HRT ASAP (want to be on HRT for a while prior to coming out, if that makes sense), but I'm nervous to call and worried that when the day comes I'll just back out again.... It's not that I don't want to start HRT, god knows I've dreamed of it forever, but I just feel so damn awkward and nervous to talk about it with her...

Any words of wisdom from any of you girls who have actually had the guts to talk about it without doctor on how to not be so damn nervous and feel awkward as hell?

TIA

Jess

Hello Jess,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for joining the forum and contributing to the discussions.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. Our members come from all over the world and have many experiences. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place. Perhaps some of their stories can help you, too.

Definitely talk to your doctor. They will help you get started. When I started, I felt the same way, but my Primary doctor needed to do a referral to a psychologist. The psychologist then diagnosed Gender Dysphoria and that is what my Primary doctor needed to justify prescribing hormones. It is a team effort between Primary Healthcare, Mental Healthcare, and sometimes Specialty Care (like endocrinologists or gynecologists. I have seen both.)

By now, your doctor has read the letter, so the ice is broken and you two can sit down and have a real talk about your goals. Take advantage of this opportunity.

We want to get to know you. Once you feel comfortable here, please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum, introduce yourself and tell us something about you.

Clicking the HOME button will take you to a page where you can see the various sub-forums. Feel free to comment and share your experiences too.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

I will add some links here that are important for new members. Pay special attention to the links in RED. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and add an avatar to your profile.

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Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

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@JessicaRy
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

Hey Little Sister!

Much of finding what we need along this path involves fear management... we spend a lifetime hiding and it works as a strategy until the tipping point comes when our worst fears we can imagine are no longer as bad as hiding anymore... hiding from others, hiding from ourselves, hiding from the world and hiding from life...

It sounds, from what your wrote that this doctor wants to help you... I believe you'll be pleasantly surprised if you call her... it is okay to tell her you chickened out the first time because this all means so very much to you... she will understand

I would advise also seeking out a gender therapist to help you sort things out... You have amazing things patiently awaiting you... take a small step forward and then another... you will arrive where you wish to be in time...

Onward Brave Sister,

Ashley 💕

How do you get past that "awkward" feeling though?... in my head I know how I feel and what I want, but also in my head I feel like even though I wrote that incredibly detailed novel of a letter (it's had everything in there! And I mean EVERYTHING), I still feel like, I don't know how to say it, umm that because of the way society is that she's not going to understand, think I'm weird, crazy, etc. and that makes me feel mega awkward to make an appointment and go see her, even though I think there is a very strong chance she'll help which is what I want.

If that makes sense?

Quote from: JessicaRy on January 08, 2025, 03:00:01 PMHow do you get past that "awkward" feeling though?... in my head I know how I feel and what I want, but also in my head I feel like even though I wrote that incredibly detailed novel of a letter (it's had everything in there! And I mean EVERYTHING), I still feel like, I don't know how to say it, umm that because of the way society is that she's not going to understand, think I'm weird, crazy, etc. and that makes me feel mega awkward to make an appointment and go see her, even though I think there is a very strong chance she'll help which is what I want.

If that makes sense?

The key to getting past that awkward feeling is to ignore it and just talk to her. She is a person and there is a very good chance that you are not the first patient that has talked to her about this. Many healthcare providers go through extensive additional training to learn how to respectfully handle these types of situations. She is a professional and I would be shocked if she did not treat you with respect.

Do you have an ally, someone you know who is supportive, who would be willing to go with you to the appointment? If not, check your area for LGBTQ Support Groups. Get in contact with them and explain that you would like someone to go with you for this first appointment. They might know someone who can help. You might even gain a new friend and ally in the process!

If you don't know where to turn, reply to my email and tell me what city you live in. Perhaps I can put you in contact with someone in your area who can help.

You are much stronger than you think. You can do this.

Hugs!

Jessica... There are glorious things to be found in moving down a path that takes us to the life we want to live... there are a few places along the way that demand a bit of a leap of faith... MLK said " Faith is taking the first step even though you can't see where the staircase leads... keep hope and faith in your heart and summon that same courage it took to send the letter...your courage will be rewarded and you will feel liberation...you will feel proud you were bold in taking a needed step and... you will feel that you can finally make the future you want!  All that you seek is within your grasp... you simply need to reach out

Onward Brave Girl... The World Is Yours

Ashley 💕

PS...read the bottom of my signature line quotes...it is for you 🌻

I called and made an appointment for 1:30 next Wednesday.... The receptionist (the one I handed the sealed letter to) answered and when I gave her my name (current male name) her tone changed a bit... maybe that was in my head, but I've never liked that women... went onetime for a knee issue twice in the span of a few weeks and she acted all annoyed with me when I got there. Hopefully it's just her being her... I'll be pissed if she read that letter.... Out right out for Dr.soandso's eyes only, CONFIDENTAL on it...


Anyway... here's hoping this bout of dysphoria stays strong (never thought I'd say that LOL) so that it pushes me to actually go through with it!  Fingers crossed!!

I'll keep you posted!!

Please do keep us posted as much as you are comfortable with sharing. Fingers crossed for you!

Quote from: JessicaRy on January 08, 2025, 03:33:21 PMI called and made an appointment for 1:30 next Wednesday.... The receptionist (the one I handed the sealed letter to) answered and when I gave her my name (current male name) her tone changed a bit... maybe that was in my head, but I've never liked that women... went onetime for a knee issue twice in the span of a few weeks and she acted all annoyed with me when I got there. Hopefully it's just her being her... I'll be pissed if she read that letter.... Out right out for Dr.soandso's eyes only, CONFIDENTAL on it...


Anyway... here's hoping this bout of dysphoria stays strong (never thought I'd say that LOL) so that it pushes me to actually go through with it!  Fingers crossed!!

I'll keep you posted!!

All shall be well little sister... don't let an ill tempered receptionist bother you! Can't wait to hear how great it goes next Wednesday!

Hugs

Ashley 💕

The way through fear is usually forward.  Or, as Ashley says, "Onward".

I remember my first awkward encounter with my doctor.  It scared the crap out of me because I was meeting her for the first time, as well as asking her to refer me to a therapist.  What kept me going was that I knew I needed to do this.

It sounds like your doctor is accepting, so this is your chance to move forward with your life.  Onward!

I was nervous and frightened about my first appointment as well. When I left the appointment with a prescription for HRT, I was full of joy and excitement. I nearly had to pull of the road on the way home because of the profound sense of freedom.

'Everything You've Ever Wanted Is Sitting On The Other Side Of Fear' - George Addair

Three months later, I had my second appointment. Nothing could dim my smile. Even my doctor and her assistant broke out in smiles when they saw me. I knew I was on the right path.

You'll get through this Jessica, and we'll help you.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Hello Jess

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

You have already shown a lot of courage by writing that letter to your doctor and scheduling the appointment.  It is completely natural to feel nervous or awkward about talking through something so personal, especially after keeping it private for so long.  Your doctor sounded supportive on the phone, so there is a strong chance she genuinely wants to help you start HRT.

As others have mentioned, it is okay to tell your doctor that you were too nervous to go in the first time.  Many doctors are trained to handle conversations like this respectfully, and you are probably not the first patient she has helped with this.  She will likely appreciate your honesty and be supportive moving forward.

It may also be helpful to seek out a therapist who specialises in gender dysphoria.  Whether it is a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counsellor, finding someone who uses informed consent can help you get started with HRT and provide additional support as you work through your feelings.  This kind of guidance can also help you better understand yourself and where you are coming from, which may make these next steps feel less overwhelming.

I understand your concerns about the receptionist's attitude, but her behaviour does not define the quality of care you deserve.  Focus on the fact that your doctor has already shown signs of being supportive and willing to help.

You are much stronger than you realize, Jess.  This appointment is another step toward becoming who you know you are.  Keep moving forward, and remember that it is okay to take this one step at a time.  Let us know how it goes.  We are here for you.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@JessicaRy

Dear Jessica, my wife asked me to ask my psychotherapist for suggestions for trans resources in 2018. My therapist said that my wife was probably the only trans person in the city, so there weren't likely any nearby resources, but she'd ask around.

At our next meeting, she told me that she discovered that many people in our city were trans. There was even a trans services center right across the street. She connected us with someone who connected us with someone...

Next, my wife gave our primary care doctor a coming-out letter much like yours. The doctor was excited to ask her trans friend for suggestions. One thing led to another, and my wife started HRT at the local Planned Parenthood. But then health concerns arose, so she gave up her life purpose.

This all happened over 6 years ago.

Then, a little more than a year ago, she had to meet with a urologist to discuss prostate surgery. The surgeon's resident did her intake, which included him asking her how she felt about increasing her testosterone level. He ask her in an intimidating way, and she responded submissively.

But when we got home, she threw up her hands and said, "Enough is enough!" She decided at that moment to persue transitioning again. She came out to her entire world, corrected her identity documents, and is now scheduled for gender confirmation surgery for the day after your appointment!

If you don't get to your doctor's appointment next week, it's OK. Your dysphoria will keep prodding you to do what you need to do. We understand. We're here to support and encourage you.

In the meantime, keep focused on what you want and know. We're here to support and encourage you!

I hope you get to discuss what you want to cover at your appointment.

Wishing the best of results for you Jess.


Chrissy

Quote from: JessicaRy on January 08, 2025, 02:23:12 PMAny words of wisdom from any of you girls who have actually had the guts to talk about it without doctor on how to not be so damn nervous and feel awkward as hell?

Nope. Anyone who tells you that you can do this without feeling awkward or nervous as hell, I would take that with a dumper truck of salt. But the thing to realise, sweetie, is that it's okay to feel like that. Everyone in the world feels like that when they're wanting to do something important, something that matters to them, but who are scared of what other people will think. And if they tell you they don't feel that way... there's a 95% chance they're straight up lying. The other 5% might well be sociopathic.

The thing is... as I say, it's okay to feel scared. It's okay to feel like you want to chew your nails down to the knuckles. It's okay to feel like you want to pack your bags, and run for the hills. It's a normal human reaction. Fear of the unknown is one of the strongest of all human fears. Because we can't control what we can't foresee. And when we can't control something, we feel vulnerable.

I can give you advice on how to cope with feeling terrified like you're going to be eaten alive and spit out in a small globule of "omg what did I do?" And this comes from one of the people I spoke to, a medical someone. She said something to me that changed my whole mindset on the spot.

She said "However scared you thought you were about saying anything, I was just as scared of you saying it."

At first I didn't understand what she meant, and got somewhat defensive. But she explained that even though she was trained on this kind of thing, actually dealing with it scared her to death. Because she couldn't be inside someone else's head, so she was terrified she was going to somehow make it worse by saying the wrong thing. Or missing something important.

And that's when it kind of hit me. We're all just normal people, trying to deal with things we sometimes don't know how to deal with. The best we can. The people you talk to are no more or less a person than you are. And that's how you have to think of it. We're all just trying to get through life. Usually scared to death of one thing or another. And that's okay.

Don't treat this person as someone in authority. Treat them as someone just like you. Someone who feels the same as you about life. They don't have all the answers, you just figure it out together. Form a relationship. That's how I dealt with it.

Quote from: JessicaRy on January 08, 2025, 02:23:12 PMHi All,

So I'm in need of some advice/encouragement here. I'm 41, known I was trans for over 20 years now, always wanted to be female as far back as I can remember. Anyway, I'm 100% in the closet to everyone I know, except my doctor.

For the last few years I've been taking stupid herbal supplements (more or less to feel like I'm doing something), and have been "underdressing" daily at work just to help curb the dysphoria just a bit. Early in December I literally wrote a 10 page letter to my doctor, basically coming out to her, with details dating back to child hood and how I felt growing up, that I want to transition, and asked her if she would help me with HRT....

Problem is... she called me because I missed a pre scheduled appointment )made prior to dropping off the letter), and wanted to talk. I couldn't talk at that moment so she asked me to come in the following week... I drove down there, sat in my vehicle wanting to go in, but scared ->-bleeped-<- and felt super awkward at the thought of talking about myself with her... so... I ended up driving away... I've regretted it since, because she did sound supportive on the phone, and it seemed like she was going to help me start HRT...

Since then my dysphoria has been all over the map from manageable to down right "punch in the gut/ want to crawl in a cave, sleep and never come out".

I want to call and make an appointment to go see her later this week or next week and hopefully start HRT ASAP (want to be on HRT for a while prior to coming out, if that makes sense), but I'm nervous to call and worried that when the day comes I'll just back out again.... It's not that I don't want to start HRT, god knows I've dreamed of it forever, but I just feel so damn awkward and nervous to talk about it with her...

Any words of wisdom from any of you girls who have actually had the guts to talk about it without doctor on how to not be so damn nervous and feel awkward as hell?

TIA

Jess

When I was first starting out I was worried about what people would think. I froze like a deer in the headlights right outside my therapists door the first day.

I'm eternally grateful that my therapist opened the door quite literally.

The one thing I can say is call and explain and reschedule your appointment. Then when you get there you have to envision your plan and see that going in for your appointment is just a small little milestone in your journey. Psych yourself up, walk in and cast your die.

Hi Jess!

You have some expert advice on this thread already. Ashley's affirmation has helped me a lot lately by realizing that the woman who was trapped inside me for over 5 decades is far more courageous than one would think! I now know this to be true and it helped me come out to three colleagues on Friday.

You will feel scared for sure but Sephirah is indeed correct, your MD is human just like the rest of us. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone, including the medical clinic whose support staff include the mothers of children, now adults, who grew up with my children. I was so full of fear and shame when I had my "coming out" appointment with my MD - who is in his late 30's - and was so pleasantly surprised by his genuine kindness and interest. He also had a great line in response to my statement that I was "suffering from gender dysphoria" stating, "you're not suffering anything, you have it, cannot change it and we will work together to help you move down this path."

Repeat Ashley's affirmation to yourself and believe it, as well as the others' advice, because it is all true and together we're better!

I wish you love and good wishes on your path Jess!

Brynn

Well I changed the appointment to a phone appointment because I was nervous as hell and wanted to see if she would actually help. She will, but not to the extent I was hoping. She refers her patients to the trans health clinic (Klinic) here because "they are the professionals" which I get but was hoping not to have to go through them because the wait list is bloody long as hell and I didn't want to have to basically re say everything I wrote in that letter...


She asked me to come in for some blood work and an exam, so I'll do that and see if she would be willing to work with them and thier folks opposed to me having to go through all the wait time and multiple appointment hoops...

I was surprisingly not a nervous as a thought I'd be talking with her though which surprised the hell out of me!! So that's a plus!!!

Quote from: JessicaRy on January 15, 2025, 02:03:21 PMWell I changed the appointment to a phone appointment because I was nervous as hell and wanted to see if she would actually help. She will, but not to the extent I was hoping. She refers her patients to the trans health clinic (Klinic) here because "they are the professionals" which I get but was hoping not to have to go through them because the wait list is bloody long as hell and I didn't want to have to basically re say everything I wrote in that letter...


She asked me to come in for some blood work and an exam, so I'll do that and see if she would be willing to work with them and thier folks opposed to me having to go through all the wait time and multiple appointment hoops...

I was surprisingly not a nervous as a thought I'd be talking with her though which surprised the hell out of me!! So that's a plus!!!

Hey Sister!

Doesn't sound too bad... If she'd be willing to be primary and work with them that would be great...how long is the wait list if you end up at the clinic? Don't fret too much if you have to restate where you are at with things to them... that's what they are there for!

Hugs!

A💕

I just checked and it's freaking 1 year!!! Right in their site it indicates they recommend the primary care provider support thier patient and initiate HRT because the wait time is so long.... UGH!!

I'm going to make an appointment for the bloodwork and exam and show her that... I'm also going to print off the informed consent forms from Klinic's site and more or less beg her to reconsider... I do NOT want to have to wait a year just to get in and then another 3/4 months to get the script.